I have a friend who does not get on with her brother as his recall of childhood incidents with their parents is completely different to hers. She now says firmly when he broaches the subject'I do not agree and I do not wish to talk about it, By doing this they maintain their relationship on a reasonable level . I suggest not allowing your daughter in law to be spoken about in an untruthful manner when she is talking to you. I agree that as you help out with the children a lot she is unlikely to prevent you seeing them. That would be Blackmail and should not be given in to under any cicumstance. That is cohersive behaviour.
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Should we stand up for ourselves? Family feud
(119 Posts)I would greatly appreciate the wise counsel of you lovely gransnet members, on this distressing family situation myself and DH find ourselves in. Some background is necessary, and for this reason I’ll apologise now for the length of the post.
We have two DS. DS1 is in his early 40s and married to a lovely woman of a similar age. They are child-free out of choice.
DS2 is mid 30’s and has 2 DC with his fiancée. Again, a lovely girl, the vast majority of the time. We are very fond of her, she’s a wonderful mum, although we feel she does have a little growing up to do. She’s a fair bit younger than DS - in her mid 20’s. We see the grandchildren multiple times a week and help out a lot, which we are only too happy to do.
Our DS are, in the nicest way, possible, chalk and cheese. DS1 is a very calm, laid back chap, DS2 has always been in the middle of some drama or other and can be argumentative. He gave us many sleepless nights when he was growing up . They rarely talk, have little in common. It’s been this way since they were children It’s not that they don’t get on as such, they just have little to talk to each other about whenever they do speak. And sadly, the family situation I’m about to explain is only serving to push them further apart.
For some unfathomable reason, which we cannot quite understand, our youngest DS’s fiancé detests our elder DS’s wife.
Myself and DH, and other family members feel that this stems from jealousy. Eldest DS and his wife both have good careers and therefore a good standard of living, own house, holidays and the like.
Whereas our younger DS, although a hard worker, it’s in a lower paid job, and I definitely struggle, with him, having to fully support his fiancée and the two DC.
At elder DS’s wedding a few years back, we over, heard some nasty comments made by younger son’s fiancé, about the wedding,, whereas we knew deep down, this is the sort of wedding she would have wanted, so we feel the jealousy started there.
We have noticed that eldest sons wife has always tried her best to be hospitable towards her, despite the tension.
DH and I have tried to stay out of this whole situation because it is between the two girls . Sadly, things have escalated recently. This coincides with our eldest son having not long moved house to a larger property and also his wife having a new car. (I will add, they are not bragging people, very humble and deserve everything they have as they both work hard!)
Unfortunately, we now seem to find ourselves drawn into this, as younger son’s fiance is making some extremely untrue and very cruel remarks - telling elder son’s wife that we hate her. This is absolutely not the case, we love both of the girls very much.
Elder son’s wife seem to have reached the end of her tether recently, and, although a very emotionally mature lady, she phoned us up last week in tears, due to these unkind remarks about her on social media.
She feels that we should be doing something to step in at this point, because the comments have now involved us, and these untrue claims.
However, DH and myself do not want to get involved. If we do, we know exactly what will happen - youngest son and his fiancée will stop us seeing our grandchildren. I can both be immature at times, and this is a threat that has been made to us before. So we do find ourselves placating them a lot of the time.
However, at the same time, we hate the fact that the fiancée is making up a complete lot of rubbish about us. We do not hate our older sons wife, she is part of the family. We feel that all this unnecessary hatred stems from jealousy, from the things our eldest son and his wife have, which the younger ones don’t.
DH had a very long and frank discussion with elder son’s wife and told her honestly that we cannot speak to the younger son and his partner about this because we know what will happen - and we cannot bear to lose contact with our grandchildren. We had longed for grandchildren for years, they are the lights of our lives and we can not imagine our world without them around. Our daughter in law was very upset by this and feels that we should be stepping in and defending ourselves and pointing out that this is unacceptable.
We resent the fact we are being dragged into this, and the lies that are being told!
But at the same time, we know the consequences of speaking up to our youngest son. Are we right to stay out put this, for the sake of not losing contact with our grandkids, or should we speak up?
If anyone is going to take a risk and stick their necks out in this it should be the two couples involved, not you and your DH. Whatever the rights and wrongs of this situation it is one of their own making, including lies told about you. It is up to them to argue it out or come to a mutual understanding. You’ve put your DIL’s mind at rest about your feelings about her - leave it at that. I don’t think you have any further part to play in this.
I agree with the previous poster who advised least said, soonest mended.
People have the right to express their own opinions about others as publicly as they like - even in as immature a fashion as this girl has done. Nobody has the right to decide and express what they have decided is your opinion on any matter. It is perfectly fair to ask her to remove all comments other than her own. It might be worth asking her what she thinks she is achieving by this constant stream of misery.
For me static periods are OK when they happen VS. Standing still at times isn't as great as moving forward but better than regressing to a place it's taken years to move on from.
I looked back, couldn't see if anyone suggested ignoring the whole drama? What is there to gain by stirring a hornet nest?
My first inclination is to ignore nonsense, in silence. Works well.
Maintain a dignified silence?
I can't believe my son has taken his wife back after she had a affair for 3 years with a person who has four arrest for domestic violence
Continue your relationships with both DiL, and treat them fairly and lovingly.
Don't be dragged into unnecessary arguments about which is loved more etc.
Youngest feels, obviously, that you should love her more and this could be because she has given you the grandchildren. But you can love both of them equally for just being themselves!!
IF you're made to feel that you have to get involved in this tit-for-tat, make sure you tell both ladies that you love them very much. It might be best if said to their faces, in company, so neither can say any differently to anyone of importance!!
What a hateful situation. Already having 2 sons who don't really have time for each other is a big headache. This spitefulness by youngest son's fiancee could be coming from lots of different things - jealousy looking obvious but not necessarily of material wealth but also not being tied down by kids and all that entails. Whatever the reason, it's disturbing that you younger sun is in denial. If this is out on social media then there is written proof so he can't deny it. All things being equal, you just can't confront the fiancee - that could be disastrous. Your DIL has to bite the bullet unless she wants to implode the brothers' relationship forever. In my book, if one DIL is upsetting the other and they can't discuss it then it's up to the brothers. Since they don't get on anyway, does it really matter if it strains thi gs further?
What an absolutely ghastly situation to find yourself in. A situation not of your making but in which you are now being implored by the older DIL to deal with by becoming embroiled in it.
You can be sure that if you do get involved as older DIL is suggesting, it will all come back to bite you. Even though your name has been dragged into the spat - the problem is not yours, it's theirs
I feel sorry for the older DIL, she's obviously and naturally distressed - but once you become entangled in this, you will not be able to get out of it.
I think all you can do is tell both of them that you love them, but that expecting you to 'take sides'... because that is what is being asked of you, is causing you pain and unhappiness and they must sort out the issues themselves.
As someone else observed, least said, soonest mended - and that's so very very true. If you get involved, you will be adding another layer, another dimension to the issue between the two DILs, and then the whole thing will escalate - with you in the middle.
I must say that holding the threat over your head of not seeing your DGC by the younger DIL is pretty mean and spiteful, to say the least and gives a clue as to who is the major problem here.
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. But I'd really advise to stay out of it. And make sure they both understand that that is what you intend to do.
Norah, ignoring it is really what I do by acting dumb. There are advantages to keeping well out of it. I don't believe it's any of my business, so I won't involve myself - or put myself in the firing line. If I'm ever asked my opinion (or to take sides) I just say:
'Oh, really? How silly - when will you kids grow up?'
Some people are just toxic - they have all their own baggage and they deflect all their issues onto other people - they gaslight and disrupt and they will always make everything about someone else even though it is obvious to everyone that they are at fault - seem it so many times . And the sons rarely man up . The weaponising of children is so awful but familiar stuff to many .
You can either bring it to a head yourself and say enough .. or tell your sons to do the same . Or just do not get involved at all . Sounds more simple than it is I realise .
There is very little you can do. You and your husband have reassured your son's wife that the comments attributed to you are not true. Any interference on your part would result in you being drawn into a row not of your making; the wife has to sort it out with her almost sister in law.
It does come through that you approve very much your elder son and wife and I suspect the fiancee has picked up on this and feels second best, that you tolerate her for the sake of the grandchildren. Your daughter in law is in her 40s, has a good career and a secure life; she should be able to deal with her own problems. The fiancee is younger, immature and her life sounds to be a struggle. Why has your son not married her?
You have to leave your children to sort it out and say very clearly to both that you cannot and will not be involved.
Sons! I have 4, I let them get on with it, no commenting either way. Siblings!,my brother wont speak to his twin sister, again it their problem, nothing I say or do will make any difference.
So I get on with my life, keep any warring parties separate as far as possible and don’t loose any sleep at all.
Another one saying that the GC are being weaponised. Where would you draw the line in your desperation to keep in touch with your GC?
Certainly your daughter in law should screenshot the abuse just in case it escalates and she needs to take it to law. And then consider coming off social media or blocking your son's fiancee.
This is 6 months old, I expect things have moved on.
Hello. I desperately need advice. My Sons girlfriend is holding my GS as ransom if I don't do as she says. It happened once before on new years eve but, I swallowed my pride so I could see my Son and GS. They live 2hr drive away so visits were agreed to twice a month, they come up, we go down. He was born end Nov and I have been down twice, but I'm not allowed to go to their flat and not before 2pm, her rules. We meet at restaurants where I might get to hold GS or not depending on if he's sleeping. Then after the meal I leave to come home as I start work the following day at 5am. This month she arranged to come up to spend an hour with me, then move on to Great Gran and then all the family at a resaurant. So I text her as to what time they will be arriving. She then sends me 4 voice messages waffling on, on the last one her last words were and you can put the dog in the garden or shut him in a room. No, could you, would you, but you can. My response was to say no I would not it's his home I never shut him out. and she shouldn't project her fears on her son. (he's a very gentle dog, doesn't jump up, never bit anyone, let's next doors children pet then moves on.) Had she of ASKED I probably would have arranged something but her telling me what to do in my own home? No. She then sent 4 other messages saying how disrespectful I was, how her family put their dogs out, out of respect for her (even though she's never mentioned her family had dogs before) and that she's just trying to protect her son. Then says well maybe they shouldn't come round, I replied that was OK we could just meet in the resaurant. I then got how shocked she was that I couldn't put the dog out for a while so I could have cuddles with my GS and that they would see me at the resaurant. 2 mins later on the family group chat she says shes cancelled the resaurant but will still be going to Great Grans. Therefore cutting me out completely. I'm pretty sure my sons not aware of what's gone on, but I don't want to stick him in the middle and have to choose sides, but I am afraid of losing MY son. Where should I go from here?? I don't want to held to ransom everytime things don't go her way.
kaj66 This is an old thread that may not be picked up, and certainly not a new problem on it.
The best thing you can do is copy this text then go to the top of the page, purple stripe, click on forums' then click on 'relationships' and then the orange/yellow box 'Start a new subject ' and use your text to do just that
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