Sandwich generation feeling resentful

Wow that’s a lot of looking after no wonder you feel resentful, I looked after my elderly father with Alzheimer’s he moved in with us I also worked full time, it was exhausting. My husband helped as he was on shift work, I also had power of attorney! Your family are expecting a lot school runs childcare and babysitting, I would have to stop some of that, you cannot be pulled every which way it’s not fair and you are retired too, I would be having a word with your family, it’s not right that you are running yourself ragged for other people, think of yourself. You are certainly not an awful person! I would be telling them to find alternate person for school runs twice a week, you can’t expect to go on like that, I used to look after my grandchildren after school but when my father became poorly my daughter said it’s too much and found other childcare arrangements

My 91 year old mother just won’t even contemplate moving into a home, she is quite unsteady. She is housebound and needing more and more of me and my sisters help. The house is falling down around her ears, and not too clean, the garden is just about kept under control by a lady who comes in when she can. My brother won’t help. She is always very grateful and thankful but I resent her as she was never there when I needed help when my children were young as she was always ‘too busy’.

I also have to deal with a daughter going through a messy marriage break up with a young child and my other daughter has two young children who are demanding and her husband works long hours.

My husband is as helpful as he can be but I seem to be in an ever descending spiral. I am going away to see a friend who lives in France next week and so looking forward to being just me and leaving the wife/mother/daughter part of me being in the UK.

MerylStreep

Just remember: don’t rescue to the point where you have to be rescued. Then everyone’s in trouble.

Too much, far too much on your plate. You need to call a family meeting to explain how exhausted you feel, and find ways forwards. hugs

I'm not surprised that you feel so worn out Yvette. Sending you a virtual hug and a reminder to take note of what other posters have said about taking care of yourself as much as you can.
It made me think that it's my job - and maybe yours too, fellow GNetters- to make sure that I think how I will navigate extreme old age ( should I be lucky enough to get there) without expecting too much of my" children" who will, potentially, be quite old themselves by then.

I think all of you caring for elderly patents are wonderful, it must be so hard. If it wasn't for you really they round be in a home. You love them but are pulled in all directions. Please take care if your needs or you will need help. This country with a rapidly expanding generation we need more safe and affordable take care homes, where people are not scared to go into. It's not really fair of elderly to expect so much of their children, I could not bear to see my son run ragged for me.
I would not expect my son and family to care for me, I shall fund my care by selling my home, but what happens when all the money has been used I don't like thinking about it.

Visiting carers don’t generally seem to take the strain with the ‘needy & lonely elderly’ as there are large gaps where family bear the brunt. We looked after Mil, for as long as we could (until it became dangerous) We were actually exhausted and our lives were being dominated by her antics. In the end she agreed to go for respite into a care home, it turned into a permanent arrangement as 3 weeks in she realised it was ok! Hardly anyone wants to go into a care home but often it is the best solution for everyone.

After ten years of caring for three elderly parents, I just about lived to tell the tale. Six years on and I am still coming up for air. Sadly, it drained me of any emotion or empathy I had left so now I operate on a kind of substitute form of empathy where I recognise the emotion but don't feel it. I have no time for people who moan about minor things and can be very intolerant towards spoilt people. Please look after yourself as no one else will do it for you. Take time out and see if there are corners you can cut or delegate.

Also in this situation and no siblings to help. I cant help feel resentful that I retired early to have no responsibilities but now just have different ones .

I empathise. I had times in my 50s when I always felt I should be somewhere else. At home felt I should be at mums, at work I should be at home, looking after my family that I should be looking after my family member with addictions/mental health problems.
Inevitably my own health began to shout at me. I listened and worked out what I was able to do safely for me. As others have said, self care, prioritising our own needs as well, isn’t selfish and it is essential

Similar situation, in my 60s, still working full time. Caring for elderly dad with memory problems and frailty and adult children with ASD. I also work 37.5 hours per week. Local Carers charity are a lifeline they're part of the Carers Trust and run support groups and training courses. I agree with the comments about trying to rest when you can. I've done an online shop for dad this week because I couldn't face staggering around the nearest town to get his shopping, because he has specific foods he wants.

I understand exactly how you feel.I posted on the carer's threads a couple of years ago and got lovely support. My very elderly, frail mum was very resistant to care in her own home but wasn't coping or safe.For a few years I went increasingly and ended up taking meals,showering cleaning etc whilst also doing a couple of very early starts a week with grandchildren plus some overnight stays. And yes did feel a touch resentful at times.Much as I love my mum -she's now in a care home -she had none of the above to cope with and a carefree retirement. I'm still glad I have been there for her,but it would have been a hell of a lot easier if she had worked with us and allowed some outside help sooner.We're only human.I hope you find some way to keep a balance and look after yourself more.

Chardy, I think you missed out the word 'not'

I think sometimes it is normal to feel resentful but it isn't healthy or helpful. Can you prioritise your time? Do you get any support for 'you'?

I think people really don;t value how important family care givers are and how overwhelming it can be

No, Yvette, you are an awful person. Imo you feeling bad is your body's way of saying you are doing too much.
Several of our family tried to get my mother to take up a hobby when she retired, even more so when she was widowed a year later. No. She wasn't interested. Can you get your mum into listening books or jigsaws?
I wonder if we Gransnetters think about how we'll fill our time when we are in a similar situation?

We have never had a good care system for the elderly, because a) people didn't live as long as they do now and it wasn't so necessary, and b) it was the women who looked after the elderly relatives at home because they had no choice. When I grew up we all had a granny or grandpa in the back bedroom; now many women are commuting to elderly parents' homes, plus a great deal of child care, fitted in round work.

Another one "who's been there". I was in my 40,s then though so a lot fitter. Now it's grandchildren I help out with which I don't mind, like helping younger ones get on. Mother was the most difficult woman ever. It takes a toll, you have to look after yourself too.

Similar story until mum passed away in her 90s. Dad's Parkinsons became too much and he is now in a wonderful care home. All this responsibility with grandchildren on a regular basis & supporting DH in business had me physically & mentally exhausted. I miss mum and all her foibles although I have to admit the relief of not having them both to look out for is huge. Take care of yourself OP and speak to authorities to at least try to get more support 👍

I am sorry I wrote my earlier response now. I was feeling a bit sorry for myself last night. I do agree totally with Dickens although I can't see it ever happening. @biglouis - It's not a matter of being trapped by needy relatives exactly. It's more that it's your mum and you don't want to see them suffer but it's hard finding the right balance. I like looking after my granddaughter. I just wish I had more time and energy to give her.

When read threads like these I look back at the period when I - as single and childfree - could have got trapped into running around after needy relatives. Fortunately there were no smart phones then (although there were mobiles) so communication was mostly reliant on landlines. The best thing I ever did was to leave my home city after my grandmother died.

Well said Dickens 👏

Reading these posts just highlights how desperately we need a proper, functioning, integrated care-system.

The oft repeated refrain that "family should look after their own" really grates with me. Because we do, we do - but we cannot always cope with the many demands made by various family members without some help. In the 'good old days' when families often lived and worked in the same location, it was feasible to do this but when industry came to an end and we had to 'get on our bikes' to look elsewhere for work, then the disintegration and fracturing of family life became inevitable.

No one person can do it all and no one should be made to feel guilty because they can't.

As MerylStreep so wisely said, Just remember: don’t rescue to the point where you have to be rescued. Then everyone’s in trouble.

We have a government that has kicked care / social care into the long grass - again. We, carers, should be out near Downing Street demonstrating against the apparent indifference shown towards our plight... but we're too bloody busy getting on with the job. Whilst yet more and more of the services we rely on are targeted in yet another damned austerity drive.

Yvettehartland1 You are absolutely right in feeling resentful and you do need to take steps to improve your situation.
The problem is, you will suffer guilt as a result, but if you don't your health will suffer.

First, is there anyone who can share the burden with you,close family and relatives? (I bet not and if there are any they are probably 'unable to commit'.)

Next, you need to lessen your own commitments; three days occupied with childcare/school run and babysitting twelve miles away from your home is too much; you have to discuss with the parents about reducing this, and they may have to pay to provide some extra care for their own children.

You will have to harden your heart against your mother's dependency on you and insist on reducing the time you spend with her; isolation may make her agree to perhaps one day at the Day centre, or similar. I don't envy you: I had a father who flatly refused to alter his way of life or accept any form of help when he was in his late eighties until his health failed, mainly due to poor diet and he had to go into a Home. I was an only child living 170 miles away, divorced with children ,working full-time and there was no-one else available to help. The guilt still kicks in.

It seems that many women, and some men, are still as responsible for the care of elderly relatives as our parents' generation were in the forties and fifties, but with the addition of most women working and providing childcare for very young children, which was not nearly so essential in previous times.
I do hope you stand firm and reduce your commitments somewhat.

Marydoll, your mention of the endless phone calls really resonated with me. It was my poor brother who bore the brunt though - at one point my mother (with dementia) was phoning him literally 30 times an hour - because she simply couldn’t remember that she’d only just rung him.

The strain on him was colossal. When she finally moved to a care home (not before time) we were asked whether she’d like a phone in her room. Absolutely not!!!

For the first week or so she did ask staff several times a day to ‘ring my son’ but they’d limit it to once a day, and otherwise tell her he was out or not answering.
To our great relief she forgot all about it in no more than about 3 weeks.

I feel the same. I take care of my paternal Grandmother, ny mother and I have 2 teenagers.

I feel resentful because caretaking skipped a generation. And now I have 2 elderly people to care for. Neither of my siblings help.

One thing that we have learned from my experience is we will never rely on our children for our care as we age We will be ensuring we have funds available to pay for our care.

My children know that I happy happy to have Grandkids, or not. But not to expect me to provide full time care.

I have spent the last 50 years caring for others, I am going to spend some time taking care of myself now.

👋 Another one here!
Moved here to help my daughter but DM decided to move too from another part of the country.
Since Lock-down she has become reclusive, books & cancels holidays, turns help I'd organised away.... 🙄

We had a local support coordinator call to see what help we needed;
DM: "I don't need any help I've got RO60" Aargh 😱

A friend the same age as DM at a group I belong to gave me permission - I feel, to visit less, which I now do & enjoy evenings out with friends, a walk, a whole day 'tidying the house'

I'm lucky though, DD doesn't take me for granted & baby sitting is generally a pleasure. I do get asked if it's convenient - but there again, can be hard to say No.