Is this a sign he doesn’t care.

I find this with my nephew who does a lot for me. He knows I cant carry anything up or downstairs as I walk with a stick and need the other hand on the stair rail. If I ask him to bring something up or down for me he will do it. But he will walk cheerily past things on the bottom stair waiting to be taken up even if he is going up there.

Like a lot of men he thinks just about the things he has to do at that immediate time but does not seem to anticipate or plan ahead. I on the other hand am a planner and am always thinking "what if".

Bopeep14 manages whilst he is at work - it may be disheartening but it's not as impossible at the weekend as some are implying.

Bopeep14 I think you should simply tell him you are a bit lonely when stuck in the house all day every day and that you would appreciate some friendly company/chat next weekend please?

The good news is it's a walking cast so you can get about a bit.

Get well soon!

Bopeep14:

'is this a sign he doesn't care?' - no, it's a sign he doesn't think!

Typical male, he assumes you can manage quite well without him, as you do on other days. You have to actually spell it out to him that you struggle - and would appreciate his help and support.

Have you considered a chemical loo downstairs, the sort that's used for camping and caravanning? Your husband could take it upstairs for emptying and cleaning. There are eco-friendly cleaning products for these things. And have you asked your GP for advice about any help that might be available?

I agree with you Dickens. I also think that some men's attitudes are formed in the house they are brought up in. If they see their father being taken for granted, manipulated around and general dogs body, some will emulate others will make sure they don't. On the other hand if they are brought up as mummys precious boys whilst the girls have to be mummys little helpers they go decidedly one way or the other.
I think it is partly the same for women if we are brought up to feel we are equal to men we act that way if we see our mothers scurrying around our father {Which seems a lot less these days] we tend to think that is the norm.
I hope I have brought my DD's up to expect equality with the men in their lives but I know it has been more of a struggle with one than the others.

Wyllow3

Of course different men are different, but I think it is fair to say that more women pick up on emotional needs better than most men, and the need to ask is there. We don't need to get polarised about it.
I smiled when I read, if you're really ill (as in in bed and clearly not able to do anything) the cups of tea and so on and the understanding,

but the for me the problem in the O/P is that he wasn't picking up on emotional needs and it needed spelling out. the hugs, the staying in, maybe the offer of a drive out instead of the hobby day, etc.

In other words - jus a bit of 'moral' support...

I sometimes accompany my partner on a short trip to the surgery for a blood test. Although disabled, he's quite capable of managing it on his own but I go with him to offer unspoken 'encouragement'.

And he will do the same for me - without being asked.

It's just a question of having some insight and not being totally absorbed with your own needs. And men are in principle quite capable of that.

OTOH - if they don't have that mindset - it doesn't mean they don't 'care' - I believe it's simply that they're more involved with their own priorities. When asked, they will often quite willingly do whatever it is you want them to do.

It's just more reassuring when you don't have to ask, and you get a simple, "is there anything I can do for you today".

Of course different men are different, but I think it is fair to say that more women pick up on emotional needs better than most men, and the need to ask is there. We don't need to get polarised about it.
I smiled when I read, if you're really ill (as in in bed and clearly not able to do anything) the cups of tea and so on and the understanding,

but the for me the problem in the O/P is that he wasn't picking up on emotional needs and it needed spelling out. the hugs, the staying in, maybe the offer of a drive out instead of the hobby day, etc.

sodapop

There is such an assumption frequently on Gransnet Bella23 that all men are incompetent, incapable of finer feelings and totally unable to look after themselves without a woman. I find it patronising and doesn't apply to the men I know, if men referred to women in this way there would be an outcry.

Would there? maybe on Grans net but not in some societies.
Whilst in a pub in the North of England a young chap entered he was asked where his other half was the answer"Wor lass is colving[calving]. Not one man complained about the way he was talking about his wife as if she was a cow. Quite a few women did.
How about the phrase "t'uther half, old woman,t'missus,the boss, the old bat. just as patronising if not more so than some women describe their husbands.
You are lucky and must have very kind generous helpful men around you or are you such a person that they daren't be otherwise?

There is such an assumption frequently on Gransnet Bella23 that all men are incompetent, incapable of finer feelings and totally unable to look after themselves without a woman. I find it patronising and doesn't apply to the men I know, if men referred to women in this way there would be an outcry.

sodapop

Another sweeping generalisation Bella23 the men you know may fit that description.

I think I am allowed my sweeping generalisation from my personal experiences, can you give some examples to justify the opposite of what you have just accused me of?
Don't we all make our assumptions from people we have lived with, worked with or knew personally?

Most men can live amidst chaos. The dont notice dust, piles of washing, the fact that the rug needs hoovering or dirty dishes. They dont notice anything until it impacts them personally. Even then they will simply clear a space on the table or wash a plate for themselves without doing the rest.

If only we women could be like that.

Sometimes it is a hug thats needed,no words,no deeds,a strong pair of arms and a loving chest.

How's it going, Bopeep?

Another sweeping generalisation Bella23 the men you know may fit that description.

I don't think you can expect anything, you have to spell it out.
Most men will tell or demand what they want at any time not just ill. I don't think it is personal it's their mindset. If you eavesdrop on a group of men talking they are very blunt with each other, women try to guess what they would want themselves and then ask you. Like my friend finding me in the bath.
for a quick recovery.

Unless I’m very ill ofcourse… then he’s bringing cuppas like they’re going out of fashion ☕️😊

I agree with Iam and Sodapop. I would have expected most partners to ask, and at least set me up for the day before going. However, I too sometimes have to ask as my DH doesn’t always notice my emotional needs if I’m not VERY clear. It’s not that he doesn’t love me, it’s just that he has an ‘aspergers’ way of loving me.

It’s good to know we’re not alone.

I agree with Iam64 surely any partner male or female would realise that someone with a broken leg needs a bit more help and care than they would usually.

AskAlice
would he ask for your help in a similar situation or just expect it?
Btw I agree about Mars and Venus in a general kind of way but am mindful of other threads here in gransnet where men who have hit bad illness expect their wives to run round after them all the time and put their own lives completely aside!)

I think it's a case of "Venus and Mars", to be honest.

Men in general (not always!) need to be told exactly what is required. Women (again, not always) would know without being asked.
Have you actually asked for help? Said that you can't manage without some help from him?

A classic case in my experience was when I had a bad back for many months which eventually led to a slipped disc, very suddenly one Sunday afternoon I sent him a text message from the kitchen floor when he had gone to a football match ( a VERY IMPORTANT North London derby!) to say that I couldn't get up and was in extreme pain, had phoned 999 but it would be a few hours before they could get to me. I had crawled to the front door to leave it open for if/when they arrived but was in real agony. The answer to my message... "Let me know how you get on." I have never forgotten how I felt when I got that message...

Since then, if I need specific help I spell it out in words of one syllable. Sometimes you have to put yourself in the mindset of someone who doesn't think the same way that you do...

I feel for you

I know. (Good mornings)

I'm all too aware of the danger of the "unsaids" due to my own experiences.

Different reasons, but result of pondering the same.

I speak from experience, Wyllow*. 🤣

Marydoll

Good post, Baggs!
Bopeep, are you perhaps needing company, after being alone all week
and perhaps hoping that he would have spent the weekend with you?

I think you have hit the nail on the head, Marydoll. Yes, the practical things not to be ignored, and may need specific requests - but being poorly and at home all week then himont choosing to spend time with you at the end of the week - this is what really would have got to me.

And maybe being upfront about this, "I need your company as well as x,y,z" is the right thing to say.

Yes I absolutely understand wanting him to have guessed or intuited - or most of all, wanted that - but you need to say so. then such maters can be healed.

grandtant
Could you use a bucket with a cast on?

Good post, Baggs!
Bopeep, are you perhaps needing company, after being alone all week
and perhaps hoping that he would have spent the weekend with you?