American visitor

are you alone with her, OP ?

Nothing that ‘was mine’ would be out of my bedroom drawer / mantle shelf if it was in the shared bathroom it would be universal

ExDancer

I see this post was only started this morning and imagine you must have been on your computer most of the day.
How far have you progressed?
Hopefully you will have reached a state of truce and are being sensible and discussing what your next step should be.
You don't say whether your visitor was intending to tour the UK alone or intended to rely entirely on you for her British holiday. Whatever her original intentions its obvious you cannot be involved in her holiday any more.
I imagine the best thing for both of you would be for her to move to a Travelodge or similar accommodation and re-plan the rest of her stay in Britain without your input.
I do hope you manage it without unpleasantness.
Please keep us in the picture and let us know the outcome.

Hi Exdancer - I've been hopping onto the thread from time to time, and tbh, I'm amazed at how it's blown up!!

The make up/ boundary issue is just a small part of the situation.

Some background to explain that might be useful; my guest has a number of mental issues and is a heavy weed user (for pain and general anxiety) as well as a whole host of other prescription drugs - she's been through some horrific stuff and I can't begin to imagine how that's been for her - so, since I met her 5 years ago, I've never judged, always been there to listen and never taken offence when she's dropped dates or not replied to texts (she's my partner's sil,and I'm over in the States about 8 times a year). We've always got on really well when we've met and have a shared love of plants and gardens; so I invited her over for a 2 week visit to tour round gardens and visit the Chelsea Flower Show.

Yesterday, she accused me of a number of things, refused to accept that I hadn't done any of these things and,when I refused to react, has just got meaner and meaner. I do realise that she's mentally very fragile.

So I've explained why the friendship is over - ( I have no need of a friendship which includes aggression) and I'd like to get her home ASAP. I'm slightly reluctant to push her into a hotel as she's completely unfamiliar with the UK, and quite frankly, isn't capable of organising her way out of a wet paper bag!!

So the question about AIBU was actually only the tip of the ice berg - but the strength of feeling on this thread has solidified my decision to end the friendship.

so you wouldn't mind if other people put their fingers into a jar of your face cream, and you'd still use it afterwards ?

Different families have very different upbringings, habits, customs and rules (always 'boundaries' here on GN - just makes me think of fences).

With a large family and many visitors, we've always kept our own stuff in our rooms, with anything in bathrooms available to everyone, shared toiletries.

Daughters, siblings and friends have 'borrowed' clothes a lot, never really seen as a problem. We know to ask if it's something special - but wouldn't think face cream was special at all.

We value people far above mere things - so I really feel sorry for your visitor and the 'welcome' she received.

I see this post was only started this morning and imagine you must have been on your computer most of the day.
How far have you progressed?
Hopefully you will have reached a state of truce and are being sensible and discussing what your next step should be.
You don't say whether your visitor was intending to tour the UK alone or intended to rely entirely on you for her British holiday. Whatever her original intentions its obvious you cannot be involved in her holiday any more.
I imagine the best thing for both of you would be for her to move to a Travelodge or similar accommodation and re-plan the rest of her stay in Britain without your input.
I do hope you manage it without unpleasantness.
Please keep us in the picture and let us know the outcome.

Interesting post. I think this culture/personal space clash can happy anywhere, anytime. I used to organise student exchanges and the amount of problems we had with teenagers not fitting in with families be it from over relaxed families to military style families. I made friend with a lady from overseas on a foreign holiday about 20 years ago. She was so lovely and we were great pals on Facetime for many years. Recently, she retired and starting making all these plans for me to visit including what she would feed me, where she would take me etc. I suddenly realised that we had absolutely nothing in common. I was a very traditional Victoria Meldrew and she was one of the Golden Girls. Luck had it that circumstance meant we would never meet because of one thing and another so I very slowly made less and less contact till it fizzled out. She has been spared me and I have been spared her. OP, your original post sounded horrendous and I think, like you, I would have been angry especially seeing she is of a mature age.

That's your experience. A trip to Kentucky does not an expert make. My experience is different. I’ve also come across some very pretentious, snide Brits, but you don’t see me painting a broad brush. There are different types of rudeness, even if one lacks the self-awareness to see it. If you think your anecdotal experience is enough to stereotype a diverse, large nation then I feel sorry for you

Blimey!
It was an exchange programme, not a short trip and if personal experience counts for nothing any more whence do you derive your superior knowledge? .

Or are you just a bigot?
Basic manners tend to be universal. Let me happily burst your snobby little bubble and inform you that British people don’t own the concept of being polite. Your false sense of superiority is laughed and pointed at

That’s not rude?

the can i get does sound rather rude and abrupt to uk ears.
it also conjures up the idea or going behind the counter to serve themselves, ie going to get the item.
but i've now realised even in uk, the word get is also used to mean receive.
so can i get, means can i be given, can i receive.
as in what did you get for xmas/your birthday.
doesn't imply that you went and fetched it yourself.

As GNHQ agreed.

Hithere

Lyle wasnt rude

Bella was stereotyping a whole country and got called out

Stereotyping is wrong (although I just did it to the British 😁).

However, lylyle's response was uncalled for and ironic when we are discussing manners.

Foxygloves

lyleLyle

Bella23

The difference between an American upbringing and a British one. Just tell her your boundaries in a pleasant but firm way just like we do our children and GC.

You’ve had an American upbringing to know the difference? Or are you just a bigot?

Basic manners tend to be universal. Let me happily burst your snobby little bubble and inform you that British people don’t own the concept of being polite. Your false sense of superiority is laughed and pointed at.

Now you are just being rude and disproving your point!

As a teenager I took part in an exchange programme with Louisville, Kentucky and while I came across excellent manners and exquisite Southern politeness, the absence of Please and Thank you took me by surprise.
My exchange partner from a very middle class, educated home would cone into my room and say “Zip me up” - not intended to be at all rude or brusque but even then I was struck by the absence of the magic words!

Standing in a long queue for icecream in Wales - every British person asked "Can/May I have ........ whatever"
The American woman in the queue said "Can I get a vanilla cornet, can I get a strawberry tub, can I get a Magnum etc ...... "

Perhaps it's just a different way of asking that we're not used to.

Other nationalities don't queue, they just rush forward!
Nor chat in queues
Nor apologise if someone bumps into them 😁

Perhaps we're the odd ones!

I hope you can remove her as easily as you think you can.
It sounds horrendous but I keep all my make up, lotions and potions in my bedroom. I wouldn’t dream of leaving them in a shared bathroom as she the may well think you had been benevolent and left them for her
Anyway whether it’s her rudeness or your over trusting it hasn’t worked I d definitely not invite an unknown person to my home like that again
Good luck in your removal of her !

HousePlantQueen

Crikey, this thread escalated quickly.

your guest is rude, her nationality is irrelevant, I wouldn't even share skin products with my daughter, let alone with a stranger.

Lesson learnt, and hopefully laughed about once your 'guest' has left.

Didn't it just!! 😳 some very strong opinions here!

Germanshepherdsmum

By whom?

By lylelyle in her usual fashion, Germanshepherdsmum.

Bella23
I'm sure that not all Americans are the same, Bella23 🙂
But certainly the response you received shows a complete lack of manners!!

Foxygloves

I seem to recall an anecdote telling how Meghan felt insulted/excluded because Catherine wouldn’t lend her her lip balm.
Perhaps it is a US thing.

Ugh!
That is so unhygienic!

You never really know someone until you share a bathroom
Or a kitchen!

Lot's of good advice here.

When the next thing happens just laugh about it and explain to her that you are not "used" to this and hopefully she can just laugh with you.
She will only be with you for a limited time, don't ruin your friendship over this.
Some people just are like this as they experienced free sharing of everything in their family, nothing to do with nationality.

I know it's vexing but to her the behaviour will be normal and being "told off" will only ruin your friendship. Hope you can put up with it till the holiday is over.

Had you met this woman previously or was she a penpal?

I must say you're very brave having her to stay! Is she on a tour of the UK and is she moving on soon? 👋🤞

I don't think it's nationality, some people just don't have boundaries.

Crikey, this thread escalated quickly.

your guest is rude, her nationality is irrelevant, I wouldn't even share skin products with my daughter, let alone with a stranger.

Lesson learnt, and hopefully laughed about once your 'guest' has left.

Personal venom is subjective

Bella's post contained plenty of that too

Hithere

Lyle wasnt rude

Bella was stereotyping a whole country and got called out

I wasn’t challenging her right to call Bella out, just objecting to the aggression of post. Other people have made the point with less personal venom. We can surely disagree but vitriol is not necessary.

As you suggested, Stillwaters, it sounds as though there may be some mental health issues involved. Fingers crossed you manage to part amicably, without any further incidents.

Stillwaters

Thank you everyone who has responded - I'm reassured that I'm not being unreasonable and I think that we've established that it's not a cultural thing.

She'll be going home ASAP and I've already told her that the friendship is over (she's also accused me of doing/saying various things whilst she's been here, that I haven't, and refuses to accept that I haven't- I knew that she had some mental problems but I didn't expect her to 'turn' on me.

I always used to say to my children that there is no such thing as a bad experience- there's always something to be learned - even if it's "crikey, I never want to do that again!!" Appropriate here I think 😁

Well, at least it's sorted now.

But I was surprised that you thought it might be an "American" thing!

I know there are cultural differences, but I've always found the few Americans I've met to be polite (very much so) and civilised- no different to us, in fact.

This is simply an individual who doesn't respect - or understand - boundaries... they exist everywhere.

Very odd - even my own family would never use my bathroom products without asking. When my son visits from South Africa - he evens asks if he can use the shower gel hanging in the shower. And using lip balm... I' surprised she wasn't worried about the hygiene aspect.

Another experience to be chalked up!