Not Supported - Advice

It's pretty normal

I work as a TA and if 30 children behaved for us the way they do with their parents we would have a nervous breakdown the first day.

But children act up with their parents because they feel safest there to let out all the things they have held in all day.

They suffer from stresses and troubles just like adults but they aren't emotionally developed enough to handle those emotions.

Parents would like to be able to go out and enjoy social events or even exist at home without spending 100% of the time disciplining children. That doesn't mean there are no boundaries at home it is just as they are the children's safe space it's a much harder job to enforce them constantly and still have their children feel loved and safe.

It's a challenge to find that balance and given that in a lot of families both parents now work, and feel guilty for not being at home... It's tricky

I'd take a different tactic when you are all together, keep the children engaged, reward positive behaviours. Give achievable wanted rewards like "if you tidy your toys we will have ice cream".

It shall pass

Thank you vampirequeen. I think that's the problem, we have set boundaries which DC are perfectly happy with and know our rules. It's not like that in their own home, that's why when they get taken back all hell lets loose but parents don't see this or maybe don't agree with boundaries, I'm not sure on this one tbh. Only yesterday when they were here for lunch the youngest one ALWAYS tries to skip main part of lunch to get to sweet treat. He tries this with us but he knows the rules, finish off your main and you will get your sweet and complies with no problems. What happened yesterday well mummy was here and was allowed to skip main to have sweet. I reminded them all of 'our' house rules and was told 'perhaps that's not the best rule to have'. I was dumb-struck and he was allowed sweet.

The children are obviously aware that there are behaviours which you do not accept but their parents do, they are showing you that their parents are in charge.

If the parents are seeing what you consider bad behaviour and ignoring it then there is not a lot you can do, they are saying it is acceptable by ignoring it.

Good advice grandtanteJE65 👍🏻

When the situations arise, why not just speak gently to the child and remark that what they have said to you is rather rude/unkind, or whatever they have done and that you do not like being spoken to treated in that manner.

By doing that you are merely making a personal statement about how you feel, not trying to discpline the child. Hopefully they might get the message after the first few times, or their parents would.

However, while this behaviour is undoubtedly hurtful, do not waste your time feeeling inconsequential. These are children you are dealing with and they are just thoughtless, there is no intent behind what they say.

The real problem lies with the parents and how they are bringing their children up, but that is another issue.

There is a lot to be said for biting your tongue, as doing so won't cause offence to the children's parents.

By speaking out, you might end in the situation that the parents say they don't want their children forced to comply with your notions of good manners and compliance. A lot of parents seem to feel this way now.

I think you are right, as we are doubtless of the same generation, and as a school-teacher I dealt towards the end of my working life with far too many children who were allowed to behave like your grandchildren are in their own homes.

I don't know if the five year old is old enough yet for this to work, the seven year old is, in my view: say next time you have them alone and you know they will be coming with their parents within a day or so: "When mummy and daddy are here on Sunday (or whenever) let's show them how you usually behave so nicely when they aren't here".

It might work. If it doesn't the only other option is taking the attitude that in grandma's house, grandma's rules apply, but this too might lead to a quarrel with the parents.

You are very wise not commenting on their behaviour in their own home and in expecting their parents to check them in yours - but could they be hestitating waiting for you to react?

I would myself greet the next cheeky or rude remark from a child by saying, "You don't usually speak so cheekily to Grandpa/ me, do you? So what is up with you today?"

Presumably the children are trying to find out whether your rules or their parents are in force in YOUR home when their parents are there as well. If this is the case, it is fairest to the children if you do set some boundaries.

Could you ask the parents, or the one of them who is your child, when the children are not within hearing about this discrepency in behaviour and what he or she feels you should do about it?

No. You point out to the children and their parents that you don't appreciate being treated in that manner and you expect them to treat you properly regardless of whether their parents are there or not.

Children need boundaries and, if their parents don't set them, you need to make it clear how you expect to be treated.

My DH did this just the other day. A child he knows is very rude to his mother and never does anything she says/asks of him. His latest 'trick' is to get into her car and press every button, flick every switch and generally use it as a piece of play equipment. He tried this the other day in our car. My DH firmly told him that if he behaved like that in our car then he would not be allowed in it. Straight away his behaviour changed and instead of wrecking our car he started to ask lots of questions about it. It's a Berlingo but we've turned it into a micro camper so it is very different to other cars he's been in.
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C