Not Supported - Advice

No. You point out to the children and their parents that you don't appreciate being treated in that manner and you expect them to treat you properly regardless of whether their parents are there or not.

Children need boundaries and, if their parents don't set them, you need to make it clear how you expect to be treated.

My DH did this just the other day. A child he knows is very rude to his mother and never does anything she says/asks of him. His latest 'trick' is to get into her car and press every button, flick every switch and generally use it as a piece of play equipment. He tried this the other day in our car. My DH firmly told him that if he behaved like that in our car then he would not be allowed in it. Straight away his behaviour changed and instead of wrecking our car he started to ask lots of questions about it. It's a Berlingo but we've turned it into a micro camper so it is very different to other cars he's been in.
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C

There is a lot to be said for biting your tongue, as doing so won't cause offence to the children's parents.

By speaking out, you might end in the situation that the parents say they don't want their children forced to comply with your notions of good manners and compliance. A lot of parents seem to feel this way now.

I think you are right, as we are doubtless of the same generation, and as a school-teacher I dealt towards the end of my working life with far too many children who were allowed to behave like your grandchildren are in their own homes.

I don't know if the five year old is old enough yet for this to work, the seven year old is, in my view: say next time you have them alone and you know they will be coming with their parents within a day or so: "When mummy and daddy are here on Sunday (or whenever) let's show them how you usually behave so nicely when they aren't here".

It might work. If it doesn't the only other option is taking the attitude that in grandma's house, grandma's rules apply, but this too might lead to a quarrel with the parents.

You are very wise not commenting on their behaviour in their own home and in expecting their parents to check them in yours - but could they be hestitating waiting for you to react?

I would myself greet the next cheeky or rude remark from a child by saying, "You don't usually speak so cheekily to Grandpa/ me, do you? So what is up with you today?"

Presumably the children are trying to find out whether your rules or their parents are in force in YOUR home when their parents are there as well. If this is the case, it is fairest to the children if you do set some boundaries.

Could you ask the parents, or the one of them who is your child, when the children are not within hearing about this discrepency in behaviour and what he or she feels you should do about it?

When the situations arise, why not just speak gently to the child and remark that what they have said to you is rather rude/unkind, or whatever they have done and that you do not like being spoken to treated in that manner.

By doing that you are merely making a personal statement about how you feel, not trying to discpline the child. Hopefully they might get the message after the first few times, or their parents would.

However, while this behaviour is undoubtedly hurtful, do not waste your time feeeling inconsequential. These are children you are dealing with and they are just thoughtless, there is no intent behind what they say.

The real problem lies with the parents and how they are bringing their children up, but that is another issue.

Good advice grandtanteJE65 👍🏻

The children are obviously aware that there are behaviours which you do not accept but their parents do, they are showing you that their parents are in charge.

If the parents are seeing what you consider bad behaviour and ignoring it then there is not a lot you can do, they are saying it is acceptable by ignoring it.

Thank you vampirequeen. I think that's the problem, we have set boundaries which DC are perfectly happy with and know our rules. It's not like that in their own home, that's why when they get taken back all hell lets loose but parents don't see this or maybe don't agree with boundaries, I'm not sure on this one tbh. Only yesterday when they were here for lunch the youngest one ALWAYS tries to skip main part of lunch to get to sweet treat. He tries this with us but he knows the rules, finish off your main and you will get your sweet and complies with no problems. What happened yesterday well mummy was here and was allowed to skip main to have sweet. I reminded them all of 'our' house rules and was told 'perhaps that's not the best rule to have'. I was dumb-struck and he was allowed sweet.

It's pretty normal

I work as a TA and if 30 children behaved for us the way they do with their parents we would have a nervous breakdown the first day.

But children act up with their parents because they feel safest there to let out all the things they have held in all day.

They suffer from stresses and troubles just like adults but they aren't emotionally developed enough to handle those emotions.

Parents would like to be able to go out and enjoy social events or even exist at home without spending 100% of the time disciplining children. That doesn't mean there are no boundaries at home it is just as they are the children's safe space it's a much harder job to enforce them constantly and still have their children feel loved and safe.

It's a challenge to find that balance and given that in a lot of families both parents now work, and feel guilty for not being at home... It's tricky

I'd take a different tactic when you are all together, keep the children engaged, reward positive behaviours. Give achievable wanted rewards like "if you tidy your toys we will have ice cream".

It shall pass

I don't think your situation is uncommon. Children often behave better for GP s than they do at home .
They feel safe at home to kick off and misbehave - parents should not tolerate their behaviour! However if they do then so be it. I am a great believer ' Grandma's house Grandma's rules' It has always worked for us , my AC accept and agree with this. If they didn't nt they can look elsewhere for child care ! I set my rules in accordance with my advancing age and reduced fitness! That way I am happy and my GC are safe and happy. Win win !

What's a CG?

GC = Grandchild. (Where is CG?)

I would not accept a grandchild being rude to me without commenting. Nor would I let them get away with rough behaviour likely to cause damage. This would apply whether the parents were there or not. My house, my rules.
The no sweet until….rule is trickier and here, like you, I would have pointed out our normal house rules, though in this sort of thing, you have to defer to parents. The child’s mother was out of order to reply as she did, in my opinion. I know not everyone will agree.

No-one has license to treat you badly, and that includes grandchildren. Why, as grandparents, do we seem to believe we have to be so powerless and passive? Calmly, pleasantly firmly put them in their place

If any of my grandchildren are rude to me I tell them off there and then. I don't care if the parents are there or not. It's very rare now as they know exactly where they stand with us. I think you should do the same.

Simply tell parents and children, it's your house so your rules apply. How they behave at their own home is not your concern.

MrsMoneyPenny

Thank you vampirequeen. I think that's the problem, we have set boundaries which DC are perfectly happy with and know our rules. It's not like that in their own home, that's why when they get taken back all hell lets loose but parents don't see this or maybe don't agree with boundaries, I'm not sure on this one tbh. Only yesterday when they were here for lunch the youngest one ALWAYS tries to skip main part of lunch to get to sweet treat. He tries this with us but he knows the rules, finish off your main and you will get your sweet and complies with no problems. What happened yesterday well mummy was here and was allowed to skip main to have sweet. I reminded them all of 'our' house rules and was told 'perhaps that's not the best rule to have'. I was dumb-struck and he was allowed sweet.

Oh I think in that case I'd have smiled sweetly, agree he could skip his main course, and say I'd serve the sweet course to everybody when the rest of us had finished the main. That worked with my own children who usually decided they would like the main course after all

I empathise completely with this having experienced exactly the same . So much so that while we love looking after our GC we will make ourselves scarce when the parents get back . Which I know doesntcrwally solle anything but it was getting so awkward . We ll just nip.to the shop or chevk the car or something until mealtime is over . Then reappear to have nice chat with parents once the GCs are in bed . Things are improving a little now as they get older so hopefully yours will too !

I have a DGS in her mid twenties. I have always had certain rules around meals. She doesn't push the boundaries with me.
She knows that Grans rules are reasonable but also have to be respected. She knows I love her.

I always thought it a good idea to demonstrate that different people have different expectations of her.
the world is not going to adapt to her expectations.

The younger DGC are happy to go along with my rules and see their older sibling happy to do so has helped.

I won't allow rudeness to me pass unchallenged either.
Again my home, my rules.
Sometimes I do not have DD's cooperation. Yet we somehow do get pass this without things getting to be angry.
I think the dgc like to please us......the suppliers of many treats per visit.

MrsMoneyPenny

Thank you vampirequeen. I think that's the problem, we have set boundaries which DC are perfectly happy with and know our rules. It's not like that in their own home, that's why when they get taken back all hell lets loose but parents don't see this or maybe don't agree with boundaries, I'm not sure on this one tbh. Only yesterday when they were here for lunch the youngest one ALWAYS tries to skip main part of lunch to get to sweet treat. He tries this with us but he knows the rules, finish off your main and you will get your sweet and complies with no problems. What happened yesterday well mummy was here and was allowed to skip main to have sweet. I reminded them all of 'our' house rules and was told 'perhaps that's not the best rule to have'. I was dumb-struck and he was allowed sweet.

I think 2 quite different concepts are confused here.

Of course you'd politely correct your GC, ask them to be kind - not rude. We correct our GC, kindly, no matter their age if we're babysitting.

If Mum or Dad is with us - all discipline falls to parents.

In the lunch example, Mum was in attendance - she rightly made a decision to what her children eat, in what order. Not your choice.

IMO, 'perhaps that's not the best rule to have' isn't rude - factual.

Apart from that - many people don't believe in bribing children with treats. Mum didn't make us 'clean our plates' just served the foods, asked us to sit quietly until everyone was finished.

Recent thread: some believed children should be fed what they like. IMO, they should have a wide variety (main, veggies, fruit, bread, dessert). Children eat what they fancy on their plate, eating dessert with everyone.

I woukd find it difficult not to say anything. Your DD allows the children to talk to/treat you rudely therefore she has no respect for you as her parents. Telling the children off in their own home is down to DD and I'd tell her you don't the way the speak to you when you are tgere. After all, the children dont do it in your home.

We have just one lovely GC who is almost 9 and of late he’s the same - if in our house or elsewhere without parents he’s mainly lovely, second parents arrive he can be rude and surly - we ignore it unless in our house where we very gently call him out - it’s a very difficult situation isn’t it !

i don't think there should be sanctions around food.
so i'd agree it's not a good rule.
eating disorders are so common now.
people need to be relaxed to eat properly and enjoy it.
we wouldn't deny an adult one food item unless they ate another.
people should always be able to decline something.

My daughter or son- in -law would never allow such disrespectful behaviour toward me or their granddad…. If either of us speak to them we expect to be answered politely and with respect. That’s not to say they’ve not got their own opinions….they have ….and I like to hear them and have s conversation with them . I respect them ( They’re 16 and 11) and they respect us. I would never take that sort of behaviour from my two kids now ( in their 40’s) let alone when kids! You need to stand up and be counted ….d plain to the parents that this is not acceptable behaviour !

….luckily my ideas of child rearing and my daughters , although a thirty year gap ….I’d the same . Like she says…bad manners are bad manners …whatever generation you are. But then she sees a lot of these liberally tolerated children in her office and when she goes into schools….as she’s a child psychologist and specialises in behavioural problems!!! She has no doubt where all her clientele comes from ….lacksidasical parents!

My 4 grandchildren are exactly like this, as soon as Mummy and Daddy turn up they turn into horrors.

Children usually show their worst behaviour to their parents. They (usually) respect rules and boundaries in school. At various After school groups, at friend’s homes and at grannies. No wonder they let off steam with their parents. I grew up in the 50’s. Mum was at home, dad went to work, grannies visited alternate weekends. I went to brownies, briefly as it wasn’t for me. I read endlessly, no tv and friends didn’t come to tea or sleep overs.
Life was quieter, rules and boundaries easy to follow
Todays youngsters live very busy lives, those with working parents often have different carers during the week, ours have 3 grannies as do many others. Child care so expensive grandparents have to combine being a surrogate parent with being grandparents.
Unless there are safeguarding concerns, we should trust our children to look after theirs. Let’s face it, their greatest parental role models were us, their parents