Not Supported - Advice

Mrsmoneypenny
Oh dear I sympathise with you here . The advice being given is wonderful and I hope you work out a wAy forward with this . In a not unseemlier situation myself previously my GC did not when they were younger play up but the younger of them never ever addressed me directly, always speaking to my DD her Mother . This still continues as does the whispering to her Mother . I find this downright rude both in my house and their own ! When I have “dared” to say something I am told I wouldn’t speak to my DS C in the same way .
I give up it’s like walking on eggshells

If they are 7 and 5, they are old enough to understand. When they are at yours, sit them both down at the table with your husband and ask why they are well behaved at your house and act very rude and mean towards you when they are at home. Explain how it makes you feel. If necessary, impose consequences. If there is rudeness and disrespect at home then when they come to yours, certain toys or privileges will be taken away. They’re not toddlers, they’re only doing it because the parents are letting them get away with it and they think if their parents are there, they won’t face consequences for being rude to you.

Yes Norah, I agree with you about food being a different issue.

Smileless2012

I agree with Allsorts that the parents are the problem. They may not mind if their children are disrespectful to them, but there's no reason for you to put up with it.

Nothing wrong with a gentle correction.

Indeed. We never allow rude, we correct bad behaviour at the moment.

However, food issue is far different, not OPs business what another eats. Food is between parents and their children. End of.

I agree with Allsorts that the parents are the problem. They may not mind if their children are disrespectful to them, but there's no reason for you to put up with it.

Nothing wrong with a gentle correction.

It's the parents who are the problem. Just be yourselves when you have them, talking to parents will undoubtably land you in trouble. If a child was being rude and obnoxious I would gently correct them or make an excuse and leave, I wouldn't just sit there and take it.

I do not think that my DGC (16, 13) have ever been rude to me.

As for the food they eat when they are with me, because of distances, most visits are family visits and I let their parents deal with any food related issues. Their rules are much as mine were.

welbeck

i don't think there should be sanctions around food.
so i'd agree it's not a good rule.
eating disorders are so common now.
people need to be relaxed to eat properly and enjoy it.
we wouldn't deny an adult one food item unless they ate another.
people should always be able to decline something.

I agree. Why would anyone offer sweets for eating mains?

That way is towards eating disorders - slim or chubby.

Children usually show their worst behaviour to their parents. They (usually) respect rules and boundaries in school. At various After school groups, at friend’s homes and at grannies. No wonder they let off steam with their parents. I grew up in the 50’s. Mum was at home, dad went to work, grannies visited alternate weekends. I went to brownies, briefly as it wasn’t for me. I read endlessly, no tv and friends didn’t come to tea or sleep overs.
Life was quieter, rules and boundaries easy to follow
Todays youngsters live very busy lives, those with working parents often have different carers during the week, ours have 3 grannies as do many others. Child care so expensive grandparents have to combine being a surrogate parent with being grandparents.
Unless there are safeguarding concerns, we should trust our children to look after theirs. Let’s face it, their greatest parental role models were us, their parents

My 4 grandchildren are exactly like this, as soon as Mummy and Daddy turn up they turn into horrors.

….luckily my ideas of child rearing and my daughters , although a thirty year gap ….I’d the same . Like she says…bad manners are bad manners …whatever generation you are. But then she sees a lot of these liberally tolerated children in her office and when she goes into schools….as she’s a child psychologist and specialises in behavioural problems!!! She has no doubt where all her clientele comes from ….lacksidasical parents!

My daughter or son- in -law would never allow such disrespectful behaviour toward me or their granddad…. If either of us speak to them we expect to be answered politely and with respect. That’s not to say they’ve not got their own opinions….they have ….and I like to hear them and have s conversation with them . I respect them ( They’re 16 and 11) and they respect us. I would never take that sort of behaviour from my two kids now ( in their 40’s) let alone when kids! You need to stand up and be counted ….d plain to the parents that this is not acceptable behaviour !

i don't think there should be sanctions around food.
so i'd agree it's not a good rule.
eating disorders are so common now.
people need to be relaxed to eat properly and enjoy it.
we wouldn't deny an adult one food item unless they ate another.
people should always be able to decline something.

We have just one lovely GC who is almost 9 and of late he’s the same - if in our house or elsewhere without parents he’s mainly lovely, second parents arrive he can be rude and surly - we ignore it unless in our house where we very gently call him out - it’s a very difficult situation isn’t it !

I woukd find it difficult not to say anything. Your DD allows the children to talk to/treat you rudely therefore she has no respect for you as her parents. Telling the children off in their own home is down to DD and I'd tell her you don't the way the speak to you when you are tgere. After all, the children dont do it in your home.

MrsMoneyPenny

Thank you vampirequeen. I think that's the problem, we have set boundaries which DC are perfectly happy with and know our rules. It's not like that in their own home, that's why when they get taken back all hell lets loose but parents don't see this or maybe don't agree with boundaries, I'm not sure on this one tbh. Only yesterday when they were here for lunch the youngest one ALWAYS tries to skip main part of lunch to get to sweet treat. He tries this with us but he knows the rules, finish off your main and you will get your sweet and complies with no problems. What happened yesterday well mummy was here and was allowed to skip main to have sweet. I reminded them all of 'our' house rules and was told 'perhaps that's not the best rule to have'. I was dumb-struck and he was allowed sweet.

I think 2 quite different concepts are confused here.

Of course you'd politely correct your GC, ask them to be kind - not rude. We correct our GC, kindly, no matter their age if we're babysitting.

If Mum or Dad is with us - all discipline falls to parents.

In the lunch example, Mum was in attendance - she rightly made a decision to what her children eat, in what order. Not your choice.

IMO, 'perhaps that's not the best rule to have' isn't rude - factual.

Apart from that - many people don't believe in bribing children with treats. Mum didn't make us 'clean our plates' just served the foods, asked us to sit quietly until everyone was finished.

Recent thread: some believed children should be fed what they like. IMO, they should have a wide variety (main, veggies, fruit, bread, dessert). Children eat what they fancy on their plate, eating dessert with everyone.

I have a DGS in her mid twenties. I have always had certain rules around meals. She doesn't push the boundaries with me.
She knows that Grans rules are reasonable but also have to be respected. She knows I love her.

I always thought it a good idea to demonstrate that different people have different expectations of her.
the world is not going to adapt to her expectations.

The younger DGC are happy to go along with my rules and see their older sibling happy to do so has helped.

I won't allow rudeness to me pass unchallenged either.
Again my home, my rules.
Sometimes I do not have DD's cooperation. Yet we somehow do get pass this without things getting to be angry.
I think the dgc like to please us......the suppliers of many treats per visit.

I empathise completely with this having experienced exactly the same . So much so that while we love looking after our GC we will make ourselves scarce when the parents get back . Which I know doesntcrwally solle anything but it was getting so awkward . We ll just nip.to the shop or chevk the car or something until mealtime is over . Then reappear to have nice chat with parents once the GCs are in bed . Things are improving a little now as they get older so hopefully yours will too !

MrsMoneyPenny

Thank you vampirequeen. I think that's the problem, we have set boundaries which DC are perfectly happy with and know our rules. It's not like that in their own home, that's why when they get taken back all hell lets loose but parents don't see this or maybe don't agree with boundaries, I'm not sure on this one tbh. Only yesterday when they were here for lunch the youngest one ALWAYS tries to skip main part of lunch to get to sweet treat. He tries this with us but he knows the rules, finish off your main and you will get your sweet and complies with no problems. What happened yesterday well mummy was here and was allowed to skip main to have sweet. I reminded them all of 'our' house rules and was told 'perhaps that's not the best rule to have'. I was dumb-struck and he was allowed sweet.

Oh I think in that case I'd have smiled sweetly, agree he could skip his main course, and say I'd serve the sweet course to everybody when the rest of us had finished the main. That worked with my own children who usually decided they would like the main course after all

Simply tell parents and children, it's your house so your rules apply. How they behave at their own home is not your concern.

If any of my grandchildren are rude to me I tell them off there and then. I don't care if the parents are there or not. It's very rare now as they know exactly where they stand with us. I think you should do the same.

No-one has license to treat you badly, and that includes grandchildren. Why, as grandparents, do we seem to believe we have to be so powerless and passive? Calmly, pleasantly firmly put them in their place

GC = Grandchild. (Where is CG?)

I would not accept a grandchild being rude to me without commenting. Nor would I let them get away with rough behaviour likely to cause damage. This would apply whether the parents were there or not. My house, my rules.
The no sweet until….rule is trickier and here, like you, I would have pointed out our normal house rules, though in this sort of thing, you have to defer to parents. The child’s mother was out of order to reply as she did, in my opinion. I know not everyone will agree.

What's a CG?

I don't think your situation is uncommon. Children often behave better for GP s than they do at home .
They feel safe at home to kick off and misbehave - parents should not tolerate their behaviour! However if they do then so be it. I am a great believer ' Grandma's house Grandma's rules' It has always worked for us , my AC accept and agree with this. If they didn't nt they can look elsewhere for child care ! I set my rules in accordance with my advancing age and reduced fitness! That way I am happy and my GC are safe and happy. Win win !