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AIBU to be upset with DD. Pregnant age 45!!!!! 8th different baby dad

(32 Posts)
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VioletSky Sat 01-Jul-23 12:00:11

I would also put down judgement on her situation and her partners. Children are not something to be embarrassed about no matter how they came to be. If others stand in judgement, that is their problem not yours

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VioletSky Sat 01-Jul-23 11:58:01

If your grandchildren are at risk, you absolutely do need to call social services. You can't leave them in a dangerous situation just because you feel they would have to be placed with you... They don't need to be placed with you.

You also do not need to tolerate abusive behaviour, ever. Put the phone down, walk away.

Whatever happened to your daughter to turn her into a verbally abusive neglectful parent, it is her responsibility to heal now as an adult.

The children must be put first

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nanna8 Sat 01-Jul-23 11:54:03

It all sounds very unusual and she really needs to get help if she is in this situation. She’s well and truly an adult , not a child.

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Katie59 Sat 01-Jul-23 11:51:35

45 is not at all old to get pregnant if you have had several children before.
You have my sympathy, she is a lost cause, if it was me I would have moved a long way away long ago, Australia maybe.

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wildswan16 Sat 01-Jul-23 11:48:34

It's time to stop trying to be "nice". Tell her once, and once only, that you are unable to help in any way during her advancing pregnancy or with the baby. You do not have to give explanations (it should be obvious to anyone).

You then have to stick to your decision. That may be difficult depending on her attitude - but you must stand firm for the good of your own health and wellbeing. You have my sympathy for having to cope with all this at your time of life.

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Hetty58 Sat 01-Jul-23 11:38:32

Lessy1101, I'd lose that 'shame' right now. Her lifestyle, her choices are absolutely not related to you or your parenting. Lose the anger, too, as it will only harm you.

Yes, do point out that, at your advanced ages, you don't have the capacity, or energy, to care for a baby or child. Nobody in their eighties should be expected to.

Make that absolutely crystal clear. Of course, you'd love to see her, but any help or childcare must be arranged with somebody else. Perhaps her friends or adult children can help her out this time?

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Lessy1101 Sat 01-Jul-23 11:29:02

hi, my youngest DD always been difficult. she changed as a teenager and escalated from there. Periods of estrangement when she was younger, challenging behaviour, hostile towards DH and I, verbal abuse. She is in our lives but we are not close. She is now pregnant with her 10th child to 8th different man. Current father is younger who again she is not in a relationship with. She is 45. Whilst i am amazed she actually got pregnant at this age i am dreading it. She has not been a great parent to her other children. Concerns around neglect, social services input. Oldest children now adults were left with us for days whilst she disappeared in her 20s. She constantly demanding money, food, childcare etc

Whilst she has settled down from this behaviour, her hostility towards all her family hasn't and verbal abuse we suffered when she was last pregnant 6 years ago was horrendous. As this pregnancy progresses DH and I are concerned she is likely to try to lean on us more but the abuse will escalate then she will disappear again once baby is born. DH and I are now heading towards 80. I am not sure i want to be involved. I don't approve of this pregnancy. Infact i am embarrassed when people mention it. We dont want to have to deal with social services again as we looked after her older children for a while last time. We dont want to left for weeks with a baby and we definately do not want the abuse that comes from her. We have been worn down by it all.

Whilst she is my daughter and i love her, we do not want the drama that comes with her. How can we nicely tell her this time its too much at our age without going down the road of estrangement. We do love and enjoy seeing our grandchildren when we get the occasional opportunity to though the teen and adult ones only visit occasionally over the christmas period. AIBU for feeling this anger towards her and the shame i feel she is inflicting on us. She is 45 no longer 25!

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