Gransnet forums

AIBU

AIBU to be upset with DD. Pregnant age 45!!!!! 8th different baby dad

(32 Posts)
Lessy1101 Sat 01-Jul-23 11:29:02

hi, my youngest DD always been difficult. she changed as a teenager and escalated from there. Periods of estrangement when she was younger, challenging behaviour, hostile towards DH and I, verbal abuse. She is in our lives but we are not close. She is now pregnant with her 10th child to 8th different man. Current father is younger who again she is not in a relationship with. She is 45. Whilst i am amazed she actually got pregnant at this age i am dreading it. She has not been a great parent to her other children. Concerns around neglect, social services input. Oldest children now adults were left with us for days whilst she disappeared in her 20s. She constantly demanding money, food, childcare etc

Whilst she has settled down from this behaviour, her hostility towards all her family hasn't and verbal abuse we suffered when she was last pregnant 6 years ago was horrendous. As this pregnancy progresses DH and I are concerned she is likely to try to lean on us more but the abuse will escalate then she will disappear again once baby is born. DH and I are now heading towards 80. I am not sure i want to be involved. I don't approve of this pregnancy. Infact i am embarrassed when people mention it. We dont want to have to deal with social services again as we looked after her older children for a while last time. We dont want to left for weeks with a baby and we definately do not want the abuse that comes from her. We have been worn down by it all.

Whilst she is my daughter and i love her, we do not want the drama that comes with her. How can we nicely tell her this time its too much at our age without going down the road of estrangement. We do love and enjoy seeing our grandchildren when we get the occasional opportunity to though the teen and adult ones only visit occasionally over the christmas period. AIBU for feeling this anger towards her and the shame i feel she is inflicting on us. She is 45 no longer 25!

Hetty58 Sat 01-Jul-23 11:38:32

Lessy1101, I'd lose that 'shame' right now. Her lifestyle, her choices are absolutely not related to you or your parenting. Lose the anger, too, as it will only harm you.

Yes, do point out that, at your advanced ages, you don't have the capacity, or energy, to care for a baby or child. Nobody in their eighties should be expected to.

Make that absolutely crystal clear. Of course, you'd love to see her, but any help or childcare must be arranged with somebody else. Perhaps her friends or adult children can help her out this time?

wildswan16 Sat 01-Jul-23 11:48:34

It's time to stop trying to be "nice". Tell her once, and once only, that you are unable to help in any way during her advancing pregnancy or with the baby. You do not have to give explanations (it should be obvious to anyone).

You then have to stick to your decision. That may be difficult depending on her attitude - but you must stand firm for the good of your own health and wellbeing. You have my sympathy for having to cope with all this at your time of life.

Katie59 Sat 01-Jul-23 11:51:35

45 is not at all old to get pregnant if you have had several children before.
You have my sympathy, she is a lost cause, if it was me I would have moved a long way away long ago, Australia maybe.

nanna8 Sat 01-Jul-23 11:54:03

It all sounds very unusual and she really needs to get help if she is in this situation. She’s well and truly an adult , not a child.

VioletSky Sat 01-Jul-23 11:58:01

If your grandchildren are at risk, you absolutely do need to call social services. You can't leave them in a dangerous situation just because you feel they would have to be placed with you... They don't need to be placed with you.

You also do not need to tolerate abusive behaviour, ever. Put the phone down, walk away.

Whatever happened to your daughter to turn her into a verbally abusive neglectful parent, it is her responsibility to heal now as an adult.

The children must be put first

VioletSky Sat 01-Jul-23 12:00:11

I would also put down judgement on her situation and her partners. Children are not something to be embarrassed about no matter how they came to be. If others stand in judgement, that is their problem not yours

AGAA4 Sat 01-Jul-23 12:00:23

Your DD is responsible for her own actions. You aren't there to pick up the the mess she has made. She does need help but you are not able now to give it. You have to look after yourself.

grandtanteJE65 Sat 01-Jul-23 12:21:14

No-one could possibly expect you to take on the care of an infant at your age, and I very much doubt that even if you wanted to, you could be appointed legal guardian for a baby.

You have done enough - your daughter is not likely to change now, and if she or this child comes to need help, you will need to leave the matter to social services.

Smileless2012 Sat 01-Jul-23 13:17:52

You both need to tell her that you're unable to provide practical and financial help. As wildswan's posted, you don't need to explain yourselves any more than she'd expect to have to explain why she's pregnant again.

You say there have been periods of estrangement in the past so you'll no doubt know that there's nothing you can do if she chooses to estrange you again.

You and your husband need to out your well being first now.

TerriBull Sat 01-Jul-23 13:19:20

I can't help thinking the abuse may be a way of deflecting from the fact that she has behaved in a very irresponsible manner, the way teenagers are often heard to say "it's not my fault!" when trying to wriggle out of culpable behaviour, but a teenager she certainly isn't! There has to come a time when she becomes responsible for her own life, you can't allow her to drain you of the last vestiges of energy, emotional and financial support. Deep down she must know she is not ideally placed to bring another child into the world, given past histories with your other grandchildren. You state she is your youngest, what do her siblings think of this latest development? I do hope you have some extended family to support you, or indeed any third party who can act as a buffer between yourselves and your
daughter.

I'm so sorry for your situation you do sound most undeserving of all this turmoil, especially given what you have offered in the past flowers Wishing you a peaceful resolution.

Primrose53 Sat 01-Jul-23 16:06:49

How on earth does she cope with 8 different fathers?

lyleLyle Sat 01-Jul-23 17:54:35

Her life and her choices are not your burdens to carry. She is 45 years old. I would say the same of most adults, but anyone approaching half a century is completely responsible for their own choices. Don’t even begin to mentally take them on. I cannot imagine seeing your child struggle is easy at any age, but certainly at 80 it’s time to let yourself off the hook here. Call social services if any situation arises where there are genuine safe guarding issues. It’s the right thing for the child. But be prepared to say that you and your husband are not the appropriate parties to assume any primary care role. At this point in life, you have a right to be free from the emotional consequences of your offspring’s lifestyle choices.

My main advice for right now is to free yourself from worry of things that have yet to pass. Free yourself from the worries of problems already in the past. Whenever the subject arises, remind yourself that her choices are her responsibility. Be prepared to lovingly stand firm in your desire to rightfully stay out of whatever mess she may or may not get herself into. But shift your focus here. Worrying about hypotheticals is like pre-stressing. So, don’t!

lyleLyle Sat 01-Jul-23 17:56:59

Also, yoy will never be able to control another person’s reactions to you setting boundaries. Don’t worry about what you can’t control. Only focus on what you can, which is where your thoughts take you. Be the master of your feelings and thoughts by not allowing your daughter to be.

M0nica Sun 02-Jul-23 14:41:40

The whys and wherefores of what she has don and is doing are irrelevant. What I read in the OP is a daughter who discovered that bad behaviour paid.If she was obstreperous enough, you were prepared to giver her money or look after her children, just to get her off your backs.

I have every sympathy for you, a difficult and troublesome adult child can make life, very difficult for parents who are not naturally combatative themselves.

Unfortunately, often standing up to them is the lesser of 2 evils, because otherwise they think they can order you around, demand money and expect you to be at their beck and call, and when you call it a day and shut up the shop, what follows can be very unpleasant.

As others say, you now need to put your foot down, draw a line in the sand. Tell her that you are now too old to offer her any assistance of any kind with the new baby. She is on her own and has to manage. there will be lots of roaring and shouting and hateful accusations about lack of love and care, she will try to emotionally blackmail with offers and withdrawals of access, but you need to stay firm and just keep saying 'no' to every request.

She is 45, if her life is a mess, only she has made it that way and she needs to learn to live with the consequences.

Germanshepherdsmum Sun 02-Jul-23 14:44:39

I agree. And remember, it’s not impossible for yet another baby to come along.

Hithere Sun 02-Jul-23 17:35:42

People who judges you for actions that you have no control over are gossipers and busy bodies

Plenty of people despise them and wont care what they say

You are todays news but forgotten tomorrow

As for your dd, set your own boundaries and stick to them

Hithere Sun 02-Jul-23 17:36:15

People who judge, not judges

mumofmadboys Sun 02-Jul-23 17:42:57

I don't know how advanced the pregnancy is but the risk of miscarriage is high at that age. I agree totally that you are too old to offer much physical help with a new baby. I hope things work out better than you think.

Katie59 Sun 02-Jul-23 17:53:16

She is totally irresponsible and beyond the pale taking advantage of everybody she can, don’t let her ruin your life anymore, however much she tries to blackmail you.

Shelflife Sun 02-Jul-23 18:03:58

Your daughters behaviour is not your fault! Yes , you love her but........ there is no way you can be expected to provide care , financial help or any else! What you can and must do is contact social services if you are ever in any doubt about the welfare of your grandchildren - you owe than that and please do not be afraid to do that . They must be the priority! Stand firm and take care of yourself and your husband. Just say NO NO NO!! Your daughter is not your responsibility.

Emberforever Tue 04-Jul-23 21:14:02

Has your daughter ever been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder aka Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder at all? She certainly displays all the classic traits. The families of those with this diagnosis often find it very difficult to deal with the chaos that comes with the sufferers behaviours. I recommend a book entitled 'Walking On Eggshells' which covers this diagnosis and how to cope. You can pick up a copy on Amazon. Please know that you do have the right to absolutely set boundaries with your daughter to protect both your sanity and happiness.

Lessy1101 Fri 07-Jul-23 19:47:41

thanks for all the support and yes this is real. The first 4 children are now adults or very soon adults. The youngest apart from this baby is 6 and 10. Social services have been involved but last time she fled abroad. It is getting better she lives with a much older man but apparently this is not his baby and we are unsure of the relationship with him. I dont understand it all.

She has never had any mental health assessment. She would likely refuse. We have already had some requests for money. We are being firm but it is difficult. She is threatening to estrange us if we do not give her money. Sadly for our own sanity this may be the only option. I am trying very hard not to blame myself but it is just hard

Dickens Fri 07-Jul-23 20:18:31

Lessy1101

thanks for all the support and yes this is real. The first 4 children are now adults or very soon adults. The youngest apart from this baby is 6 and 10. Social services have been involved but last time she fled abroad. It is getting better she lives with a much older man but apparently this is not his baby and we are unsure of the relationship with him. I dont understand it all.

She has never had any mental health assessment. She would likely refuse. We have already had some requests for money. We are being firm but it is difficult. She is threatening to estrange us if we do not give her money. Sadly for our own sanity this may be the only option. I am trying very hard not to blame myself but it is just hard

My goodness Lessy, what an awful situation to be in when all you probably want is a peaceful and stress-free old age.

Basically, she is blackmailing you. Pay up, or else...

And, if you do give her money again - how long before further demands are made?

It's upsetting, but you must now put a stop to this. As gently but as firmly as possible you've got to make it clear that her life, her choices, are her responsibility... 'gently' because you are already blaming yourself and you don't want to feel guilty about the words you use.

As others have said, if there are safeguarding issues with the younger children, then the appropriate social services will have to be involved. I hope the older man she's with has the maturity to deal with the situation.

I'm really sorry you're having to go through this. But it really is not your fault. At 45, your daughter is an adult, and you are not responsible for the way she chooses to live her life.

Nannynoodles Sat 08-Jul-23 11:02:40

Oh Lessy, what an awful situation you are in but you must stand firm however hard it may be.
She is already blackmailing you by asking for money or you will not see her, if you pay up/give in now how long to the next demand? It will not stop.
Her life choices are not your fault, I know as Mothers we can feel responsible or guilt for things our children do which we may not approve of but it’s their life and their choices not ours, and it sounds like you have done so much in the past to help.
As others have previously said I think your only responsibility is to ensure Social Services are aware of any concerns you have and that given your time of life you are no longer able to give the level of support you once did.
Also maybe as far as possible let your existing grandchildren know they are always welcome to visit your home, that even if their Mother chooses not to see you they will always be welcome, they may need a safe oasis from what sounds like a chaotic home.