Full Time Working Nanny

Do not feel guilty! Maybe when you retire or go part time, you can pitch in if still needed.

People simply don’t understand that some jobs require a little more grit, stamina and fortitude. Many jobs are repetitive and mundane. That’s another kind of stress (boring).

Taking care of oneself is most important - only then can you be strong for your family/children/parents, if needed.

We have 4 grandchildren all teenagers now. I adore them all and we see each set of two maybe 5 times a year. One set live too far away to see them more often but when we do it is often for a long weekend maybe where we are staying on holiday or else in a lovely little annex attached to a big house just around the corner from them. They only have 3 bedrooms and a son and a daughter. The other two live closer but are heavily involved in sport and sporting competitions so as a family they are very busy When they were younger we were busy working so there was no real question of child-minding. I am happy with the relationship as it is. I love to spoil them when we see them, which will be less as they take weekend jobs and expand their social lives, but that is normal. Both my children have very good supportive partners. They are all excellent parents. I consider myself to be blessed.

Stop feeling guilty and stop comparing yourself with your friend.

She presumably is taking on child-care because she likes it and is looking forward to doing it when she retires.

Reading this sites, I have come to realise that British parents apparently expect their own parents to gladly take on the job of raising their children.

What is the problem? Don't you British have nursery schools, creches, or day-care any longer?

I know these can be expensive, but parents of young children should have taken this into consideration before starting their families and have decided either to find that money, or for one of them to stop work until the children start school, or for one or both to work part-time until them.

Grandparents! Say as my sister did: "I have brought up my children, now dear daughters: you bring up yours! And I will come and spoil them which is the function and priviledge of grandparents!"

Working frm home means just that and impossible to do 2 jobs at once.

Oh Apple,don’t spend one minute feeling guilty. Enjoy your lovely grandchildren when you do see them. You’ve done your bit bringing up children and now they are using all the skills you taught them to bring up theirs. Just be proud of them and tell ‘em you love them!

You're working full time the fact that you are able to work from home 3 days a week doesn't mean you can commit to childcare on those days. You say your job is high pressured in which case you can hardly fit in child care with work, it's just not possible. You're paid to do your job and look after your team and you can't do both. Try not to feel guilty, there are only so many hours in a day and you're not superwoman.

I'm retired but live too far away to help with childcare for my GC, I want to move closer so I would be able to support, but have already said I wouldn't be offering regular childcare but would be happy to help in emergencies. I know my limitations and how tired I get if I do too much! I have friends who do childcare regularly as their GC are local and some still work too, but we all need to know our own capabilities and only take on what be know we can safely do.

By the time I get around to moving I guess it may only be after school care but even that might be too much every day!

Don't feel guilty. Your GC are not your responsibility. But do give them quality time when you can. My daughter and I gave up a weekend to look after my GS so his parents could have a weekend away before the arrival of his baby sister. Maybe offer something like that instead of regular childcare which is clearly unrealistic.

AppleJ - it's not clear from your post whether you've actually been asked to provide childcare for one day a week or whether you're just observing a friend doing this and feeling a little bit envious.

If you've been asked then the guilty person is the parent who did the asking when knowing full well that you are employed full-time in a job with high pressure.

If you are simply feeling envious then perhaps you could re-appraise how you do your job, and then make the offer.

Is this a generation thing? Do children expect their parents to do childcare these days? I had no support from my parents and I went back to work part time 6 weeks after my son was born.
No choice. My parents had my sons for one weeks holiday a year when they spoilt them rotten. My boys have very fond memories of these holidays.
I used childminders, after school clubs and a babysitting circle. All my friends did the same.
These days women are having their children much later.
In life. Grandparents are much older. In their late 60 s in most cases. Many of my friends are juggling childcare and looking after elderly parents. Doing family things that their parents didn’t.
Not much of a retirement in my view

These are your grandchildren ….not your children …..not your responsibility …..you’ve raised your family! Enjoy your grandchildren and be the busy independent working nanny who enjoys visiting with grandkids but has a life of her own and interests outside of being a child minder! Let the other grandmothers who think it’s their life’s work to be a carer do just that if they want ….but tell yourself regukarly that there is .absolutely no guilt attached to wanting to live your mid life life years the way you want to.

No reason to feel guilty, you're a working granny and there is absolutely no reason why you should give up any work to look after them. Maybe in an emergency you would help out? Those of us who no longer work sometimes find childcare a bit of a tie and rather tiring even if we do enjoy it, I don't see why you should feel bad about not doing both

The key here is what you want.

If you want to have your grandchildren once a week, decide if you can manage on less income and ask for less hours. The answer might be no but at least you will have asked an you can put the guilt down.

If you love life and your job and just feel guilt that you aren't doing what other grans do and you aren't helping out... Stop it! Put the guilt down! Make plans for holiday time or weekends an create special memories anyway

There is nothing wrong with being a working gran, what an amazing example to set

Hi Apple ,
Please don't feel guilty .
I couldn't as I had and still have my father to care for .
I have lots of friends who are finding looking after their grandchildren a strain .
It's best to be honest .

I was unable to provide any care for my first five grandchildren as I was still in full time work. I finally became a Gran able to help with childcare when the now 8 year old twins were born. It’s been a great joy but it just wasn’t possible before.

I used to spend sometimes in the holidays with them. I’ve got to know the older ones better since they’ve been teenagers. Just spend time whenever you can.

Why not during the School holidays take a few days off and take them on a treat day?
They will enjoy that, so will you as its your special time with them.

Apple I don’t know your circumstances, but would you like to look after your Grandchildren or do you just feel you ought to ? If you could reduce your hours you could have the best of both worlds but of course that might no be possible.

I worked full time when my grandchildren were young as well AppleJ so it meant my availability for child care was very limited. Fortunately I worked shifts so I was able to do a bit more than maybe someone with a 9 - 5 job. I helped out when I was off duty and during holidays. My daughter and grandchildren quite understood this and we worked around it. We all have a good relationship now my grandchildren are in their 20s and 30s. Don't stress about it just do what you can and enjoy time together when work allows.

Please don’t feel guilty Apple. My mum was a full time professional when my children were little and she was unable to help out other than the odd evening babysitting. We still love her and respect her just the same.
I, on the other hand, chose to cut my hours down to help out with childcare when my first grandchild was born. I do not regret and have close bonds with all of them, but 12 years later and 3 more grandchildren it does get harder (energy levels, juggling commitments).
It is a big decision to make but do not feel pressured by others

As it doesn't sound as though you've actually been asked to look after them I'm not sure what the problem is..

Everyone's circumstances and experiences will be different. Stop comparing to someone else, put blinders on and do what's best for you. If you were to try to watch the gc while at the same time doing your work from home, both would likely suffer and imagine the stress and guilt you'd feel then.
You know you can't do it, you've already sorted that out in your mind so now let it go.

I agree Smile but with a daughter who never wanted children and a middle son with MH problems, she felt all her Sundays had come at once when the youngest had children. She always said her own parents were reluctant GPS, even though they lived nearby, were retired, but chose not to get involved and she didn’t want her son to feel the disappointment she did.
When her DM died a couple of years ago, only the youngest son chose to attend the funeral - the other 2 said they hardly knew her - she was a difficult woman.

my BF was so delighted that her youngest son had children ...... I'm sure the vast majority of GP's are delighted to become GP's Georgesgran but that doesn't mean they want to be or should be prepared/able to help look after them.

I’m coming from a different point of view - my BF was so delighted that her youngest son had children, that she first went down to a four day week, then a few years later, a three day week to look after them to enable her DinL to continue working.
Even now, as she’s retired, she picks them up from school most days and watches them until the first parent gets home. The children are 14 and 11, but she doesn’t want the elder to be responsible for the younger.

Quit feeling any quilt.

Your friend has made her own choice, for her own self.

It's perfectly fine not childminding GC. I don't work outside my home, I never watch GC or GGC on a schedule - not my responsibility. The persons who are parents to the children bear all responsibility for them.

End of.

As has already been said, don't feel guilty. I suspect that you want to be able to say yes but cannot.
My DM was a lecturer when our DC were small and DMiL ran a hotel.
I employed child care when I had to work from home
My DC have never asked me to help with the children. I live too far away anyway .