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Full Time Working Nanny

(34 Posts)
AppleJ Mon 03-Jul-23 11:20:01

Hi, sorry it's my first time on here. It's taken me ages to trim this down and get to the point, as I was writing war and peace. Ultimately, my question is, why do I feel so guilty not being able to look after my 2 grandchildren for a day a week. I work full time in a high pressured job, but I can work from home 3 days a week running my team.

My best friend has her two granddaughters almost every other day and she works (though it's not a pressurised job and she is about to retire from it).

I'm feeling like the worst nan there is, but I just can't do it with my job ... :-(

Smileless2012 Mon 03-Jul-23 11:24:30

Have you been asked to do this Apple?

Even if you have been, your job clearly doesn't make this doable so there's no reason for you to feel guilty about it. Not all GP's I'm sure look after their GC on a regular basis for one, let alone more days a week even though they're retired.

Not everyone wants to make such a commitment and there's nothing wrong in not doing so.

It's what you do with your GC when you do see and get to spend time with them that matters, not the amount of time.

AGAA4 Mon 03-Jul-23 11:28:38

Firstly stop feeling guilty. You are working in a high pressure job so taking on childcare is too much. You know your limits which is a good thing.
Childcare isn't easy so you need to make it clear that much as you love your grandchildren you are too busy to take that extra job on.

eazybee Mon 03-Jul-23 11:34:56

What ages are your grandchildren?

If the job is so pressurised why not work from the office, as presumably you did pre-covid, then you know you are not available to look after grandchildren.

Alternatively, could you work 2 longer days from home, leaving one day free for grandchildren?

Theexwife Mon 03-Jul-23 11:36:59

I can understand parents feeling guilty about having to work and put children into childcare if that was not what they really wanted.

However I do not understand why you would feel guilty, it was not your choice to have the children. The parents make the choices and are responsible for how they live.

fancythat Mon 03-Jul-23 11:38:10

In my eyes a day a week is quite a lot.
The subject doesnt really arise for me as I live too far away from all my gc[it was them that moved, not me] to see then daily, or even weekly.

But I do see them quite often, as they come to stay with us for several days at a time. And we go and stay at theirs for a few days at a time.

Is that all something you could do?

ginny Mon 03-Jul-23 11:39:17

You certainly should not feel guilty !
We are retired and love our little one dearly but no way would we offer to have them on a regular basis.
Always there for emergencies and some babysitting. We also enjoy having them for the day or for a sleepover but that is at our convenience.

Siope Mon 03-Jul-23 11:40:37

In the nicest possible way: they are not your kids, this is not your responsibility. If you want to spend more time with them, discuss with their parents how you can do some fun stuff with them. If you do not, it’s still nothing to feel guilty about.

Shelflife Mon 03-Jul-23 13:00:09

You work full time , you already have a job - so don't need another!!! I always did one day a week but I had retired. Childcare is tiring, so any time you may have is for you to use as you please. Do not feel guilty, too many parents demand too much from GPs . We have had our children,
Sacrificed for them and put our heart and soul into bringing them up. I love my GC dearly but ............ their care is not my responsibility!!!!! Their children their responsibility. Stand firm .

Grammaretto Mon 03-Jul-23 13:14:50

As has already been said, don't feel guilty. I suspect that you want to be able to say yes but cannot.
My DM was a lecturer when our DC were small and DMiL ran a hotel.
I employed child care when I had to work from home
My DC have never asked me to help with the children. I live too far away anyway .

Norah Mon 03-Jul-23 13:24:56

Quit feeling any quilt.

Your friend has made her own choice, for her own self.

It's perfectly fine not childminding GC. I don't work outside my home, I never watch GC or GGC on a schedule - not my responsibility. The persons who are parents to the children bear all responsibility for them.

End of.

Georgesgran Mon 03-Jul-23 13:32:30

I’m coming from a different point of view - my BF was so delighted that her youngest son had children, that she first went down to a four day week, then a few years later, a three day week to look after them to enable her DinL to continue working.
Even now, as she’s retired, she picks them up from school most days and watches them until the first parent gets home. The children are 14 and 11, but she doesn’t want the elder to be responsible for the younger.

Smileless2012 Mon 03-Jul-23 14:24:32

my BF was so delighted that her youngest son had children ...... I'm sure the vast majority of GP's are delighted to become GP's Georgesgran but that doesn't mean they want to be or should be prepared/able to help look after them.

Georgesgran Mon 03-Jul-23 14:42:12

I agree Smile but with a daughter who never wanted children and a middle son with MH problems, she felt all her Sundays had come at once when the youngest had children. She always said her own parents were reluctant GPS, even though they lived nearby, were retired, but chose not to get involved and she didn’t want her son to feel the disappointment she did.
When her DM died a couple of years ago, only the youngest son chose to attend the funeral - the other 2 said they hardly knew her - she was a difficult woman.

sukie Mon 03-Jul-23 14:56:42

Everyone's circumstances and experiences will be different. Stop comparing to someone else, put blinders on and do what's best for you. If you were to try to watch the gc while at the same time doing your work from home, both would likely suffer and imagine the stress and guilt you'd feel then.
You know you can't do it, you've already sorted that out in your mind so now let it go.

pascal30 Mon 03-Jul-23 14:58:19

As it doesn't sound as though you've actually been asked to look after them I'm not sure what the problem is..

Dwmxwg Mon 03-Jul-23 15:12:12

Please don’t feel guilty Apple. My mum was a full time professional when my children were little and she was unable to help out other than the odd evening babysitting. We still love her and respect her just the same.
I, on the other hand, chose to cut my hours down to help out with childcare when my first grandchild was born. I do not regret and have close bonds with all of them, but 12 years later and 3 more grandchildren it does get harder (energy levels, juggling commitments).
It is a big decision to make but do not feel pressured by others

sodapop Mon 03-Jul-23 15:21:20

I worked full time when my grandchildren were young as well AppleJ so it meant my availability for child care was very limited. Fortunately I worked shifts so I was able to do a bit more than maybe someone with a 9 - 5 job. I helped out when I was off duty and during holidays. My daughter and grandchildren quite understood this and we worked around it. We all have a good relationship now my grandchildren are in their 20s and 30s. Don't stress about it just do what you can and enjoy time together when work allows.

Katyj Mon 03-Jul-23 16:27:22

Apple I don’t know your circumstances, but would you like to look after your Grandchildren or do you just feel you ought to ? If you could reduce your hours you could have the best of both worlds but of course that might no be possible.

Visgir1 Mon 03-Jul-23 16:54:47

Why not during the School holidays take a few days off and take them on a treat day?
They will enjoy that, so will you as its your special time with them.

ayse Mon 03-Jul-23 17:01:36

I was unable to provide any care for my first five grandchildren as I was still in full time work. I finally became a Gran able to help with childcare when the now 8 year old twins were born. It’s been a great joy but it just wasn’t possible before.

I used to spend sometimes in the holidays with them. I’ve got to know the older ones better since they’ve been teenagers. Just spend time whenever you can.

Esmay Mon 03-Jul-23 20:34:02

Hi Apple ,
Please don't feel guilty .
I couldn't as I had and still have my father to care for .
I have lots of friends who are finding looking after their grandchildren a strain .
It's best to be honest .

VioletSky Mon 03-Jul-23 20:49:45

The key here is what you want.

If you want to have your grandchildren once a week, decide if you can manage on less income and ask for less hours. The answer might be no but at least you will have asked an you can put the guilt down.

If you love life and your job and just feel guilt that you aren't doing what other grans do and you aren't helping out... Stop it! Put the guilt down! Make plans for holiday time or weekends an create special memories anyway

There is nothing wrong with being a working gran, what an amazing example to set

cc Tue 04-Jul-23 11:38:08

No reason to feel guilty, you're a working granny and there is absolutely no reason why you should give up any work to look after them. Maybe in an emergency you would help out? Those of us who no longer work sometimes find childcare a bit of a tie and rather tiring even if we do enjoy it, I don't see why you should feel bad about not doing both

Dcba Tue 04-Jul-23 13:06:07

These are your grandchildren ….not your children …..not your responsibility …..you’ve raised your family! Enjoy your grandchildren and be the busy independent working nanny who enjoys visiting with grandkids but has a life of her own and interests outside of being a child minder! Let the other grandmothers who think it’s their life’s work to be a carer do just that if they want ….but tell yourself regukarly that there is .absolutely no guilt attached to wanting to live your mid life life years the way you want to.