I find the squabbling exhausting, AIBU to refuse

I have two grandsons whom I found really hard work. One is autistic. It’s the squabbling, pushing, shoving, arguing that is really draining. I also have another granddaughter. Two of the grandchildren are similar ages. I decided to split them up. I was honest. Said I couldn’t cope. For two years or so I took them out separately. This year, I took them all on the Horrid Histories trip on the Thames. I was dreading it. But they’ve grown up and matured. We had fun. There were occasional slip ups. I told the nine year old I got anxious and worried when he went off on his own and he actually listened to me! You could see the cogs in his brain turning. So hang in there. They will be human one day. Or split them up! Your husband takes one and you take the other.

It sounds very hard on you both———sit them down at the beginning of the day and say we are not putting up with fighting,if you behave we will all have a good time if not there will be big trouble ( you decide what,good old fashioned idea write lines or what ever)Give them “the look” Tell them you love them very much but not when they fight.Then keep them busy,make them walk separated,adults in between the problem children.Movies might be good to start with,one kid either side of adults,or set up long walks,races up hills for them——- if they are bad put them all in separate rooms.Make stuff so fun
they want to come over,if they behave take them for a big treat at the end of the day.Putting Mintos in Diet Coke creates a giant fountain,Welly throwing contests,monetary gift,you get the idea.You already deserve a medal,if all else fails give them electronic devices ! Very best of luck.

Your OH or you must take the children to one side and let them know in no uncertain way that you will not tolerate their bad behaviour on a day out . Be stern and mean it ! No negotiating, no anger . Tell them there will be no second chances , the second they start causing trouble round them up and immediately take them home. No Mr nice guy promising treats if the behave! Just Mr determined if they step out of line. No warnings , no appealing to their better nature - just about turn and go home! They are behaving badly because they can !!! Let them know you mean business and most importantly who is in charge!!! and it is not them!! If parents don't like you using firm tactics , they must find someone else to take them on - problem solved. I know this sounds harsh but I imagine you will only have to return home once with them, you must tell them of the consequences before taking them out,it is then in their hands whether they have a lovely day out or be taken home IMMEDIATELY - no negotiating. You must mean what you say and carry it out regardless of their promises to behave - they need to learn you are not backtracking. Hopefully they will learn that good behaviour reaps reward , bad behaviour does' nt - simple really! Stand very firm , if they play up then no words other than " we are going home now " and do it - no falling soft.

How long have you been with your OH? Just wondering how well you know the grandchildren and their mum?

Your part of this is talking to your OH. His part is talking to the children's parents.

Romola

Caston, what makes you think that parents and grandparents have a break during the school holidays??

Because OP said the grandparents were having the three older children because of school strikes?

Caston, what makes you think that parents and grandparents have a break during the school holidays??

I'd think he could handle his GC without involving you. If they act out he could follow a plan of his own making and return them home?

Perhaps keep the outings for a treat and look after them in their own home unless their behaviour improves. Then plan an outing once there are signs of improvement. You might find they are less of a behavioural problem in their own home as the older ones are likely to retreat to their own spaces for at least part of the day.

You’ll have a break shortly when they break up for the summer holidays, which by the sounds of it will be a relief. I think three children so close together in age are going to squabble whatever you say to their parents, it’s what kids do, they probably do it at home too so it’s their modus operandi. What’s always worked in our family is to take one of them out of the equation, in turn. So your husband would take two of them out for the day, while the third remained at home with you, went to a friend for the day or whatever. As long as you do it strictly in turn, that will be understood by them all, and the two won’t fall out when they are with their grandfather.

I agree with wildswan. The parents need to be made aware so they can talk to their children, who need to know that if their behaviour doesn't improve, there'll be no more trips out.

If this doesn't work then it's up to your OH if he continues to look after them, and if he can't manage trips out on his own, look after them in their own home for the day.

I agree with Tenno, siblings squabble. I’m now in my 70s but can still remember having all sorts of squabbles with my two much loved sisters when we were kids. My own 2 older DC also, “it was his/her fault’, ‘it’s not fair’ etc etc. DC 3 was so much younger than them so was almost like an only child so there were no squabbles then - maybe that’s a bit sad?
I do think we need to remember that we are getting older and managing 3 DG can be a bit much, do you have to have them for the whole day? Maybe just a few hours doing something they enjoy would be easier all round? Good luck.

Are they split sexes? If so, could you take a girl/girls somewhere while hubby takes the boy/boys somewhere else? In the good weather, could you entertain them in the garden? Lots of cheap outdoor games in the supermarkets.

Sibling squabbles are normal , although I’m surprised that they play up for their GD . Mine were angels for my parents or pil but devils with me or my dh . My dm used to say they’d been fine for her but played up at soon as I walked in the door .
I think your oh needs to speak to his daughter . And any squabbles no treats.

Just to add that we have two GC that we have both together a couple of times every few weeks and at one point it was getting very difficult because of the squabbling (they are 4 years apart in age and different sexes). We spoke to our DD and SIL about it, and they had the conversation with the GC about what behaviour they expected when they were with us. I know this is slightly different as these are your OH's grandchildren and not yours, but it still impacts on you so I would think your OH could have a similar conversation with his daughter if he is willing, since he presumably is aware of your thoughts and feelings?

I see this scenario a little differently. If your OH is volunteering the two of you to take the children out for the day, then you are the adults and responsible for managing the children during the time you are in charge. If your OH ends up losing his temper and shouting at them, then that really isn't good role modelling is it? Do the children squabble and fight in this way at home? If its the norm for them then its unlikely that they will behave differently for you. I'm a firm believer in setting out clear and sensible expectations and sticking to them. If the children won't behave in the way that you expect them to, you quietly call an end to the day and take them home without further ado.

Oh, so many typos - apologies, hope you can get the gist of what I meant to say!

I think it's up to your OH whether he carries out any threat to go home or without treats if he is the one that volunteers to take them on...and this should be in consultation with his DD. To be honest, if it were me I would be saying to him that if he voluoffersnteers, then he deals with the consequences!

Separating them seems like a good solution if you are willing to take the youngest - never mind the older two thinking that he is getting something they aren’t! They are now old enough to understand that it's horses for courses and presumably the oldest at 4 years older than the youngest would't want to do the same things as his younger brother?

Three boys all together at different ages but with small gaps in them are always going to squabble, but they need to learn that actions have consequences...sounds like a nightmare to me so good luck with that one!

I really do think that your OH's DD needs to be told how difficult it has been, but again that is up to your OH so that is a converation that you two need to have together so that he can approach it in an appropriate way...if he is open to that discussion.

Why can’t you refuse to be involved? His grandchildren, his problem.

Warn them, sternly at the start of the day. Allow just one fail but then simply take them home. The older two bullying the younger one is not behaviour that should be tolerated. They need to learn that actions have consequences, and to be more respectful.

Thanks for your replies, unfortunately separating them into groups/different activities would not work as they always think the others are getting something they aren’t.

I do like the idea of OH speaking to his daughter to tell her the truth of the situation (he tends to sugar coat things with her) also telling the kids they will go home or go without treats if they behave badly but whether he would carry it through….

I’m going to broach some of your suggestions with him and see how it goes.

Do you/does he usually take them to the sort of place where there’s a gift shop you have to go through at the exit?

Speaking of experience with elder Gdcs (now nearly 7 and 8) during school hols, we’ve rarely managed to get through these without giving in to their wish for some bit of overpriced tat (Gds was once greatly enamoured of a plastic battle axe) but
they’re usually pretty good so we don’t mind indulging them within reason.

However in your case I’d be crystal clear - any squabbling at all and you’ll get nothing at the shop - or ice cream or anything else you usually treat them to. But you’d have to mean it!

Why must you take the children out for the day? Surely that is giving them a treat......if they can't behave themselves then stay at home; no treats, no days out, no privileges.

However, in the event that your OH insists that you both take the children out for the day he needs to understand the importance of telling the children "behave yourselves or we will go back home" and stick to it. They need to recognise that actions have consequences and by not punishing bad behaviour your OH is simply feeding into it.

As for you not wanting to go along with him, that is your call, you need to stand your ground and refuse to go but by not doing so you cannot expect your OH to follow through on the warnings.

It’s not your responsibility and although your son will struggle, he’s a grown adult and it’s not your responsibility to save him. I know your own mother instinct will kick in and you will feel guilty for this but you can’t always sacrifice your own feelings for the sake of someone else’s.

Just a suggestion if you feel you have to go:

What is your relationship like with the children? Would they respect you saying something? Could you handle 2 on your own?

If so, I would suggest you tell your son to take the instigator of the argument to sit in the car in silence with him for 30 mins while you carry on with the other 2 … it sounds like these kids just need a bit of discipline. Once they learn there are consequences for bad behaviour (without your son resorting to screaming) their behaviour should improve.

Good luck!

Their grandfather must speak to the parents. They have to tell their sons that they will not get any more trips out with you unless they stop the squabbling and nonsense.

Then give it one more try (reminding them before you set off what has been agreed). If no improvement - then just refuse to do it any more.

If their parents really need your help with the childcare then they have to make the effort to bring their children up with some better manners.

Or alternatively just take one at a time and let the parents make other plans for the other two.