I find the squabbling exhausting, AIBU to refuse

I assume you just have the three older GC and not the four year old. As they are off school because of strike action, why can't you keep them at your home doing some school work for the morning and then take them out for a run around in the afternoon? There are loads of activity books and educational TV programmes they could watch and it would help them keep abreast of school work. Or, you could teach them how to cook/make biscuits/cakes etc. Or your DH, if good at making things, could show them how to fix things in the house or build a model. It sounds to me like they are bored and haven't got the school structure to give them focus.

Someone needs to chat with the kids mom and tell her the squabbling has to stop when they are with Gpa! Or mom can start taking time off work to watch her kids or hire a sitter. Next time you go make sure you have the house key so the minute the kids misbehave you can take them home and fix canned soup for lunch! Grandparents do not need to be sitters, but should have priority time they want to spend with the grandkids. My own grandchildren have never been yelled at by their parents, so when I raise my voice they cry. One day this will bite their parents back.

Summerlove

I’d just leave him to it. You were not asked or properly considered in his choices.

His failure to plan is not your emergency to fix.

I’m surprised how many are suggesting you go along with his plans

I agree.

DH's GC whom he is asking out, DH's to sort.

I'd gently advise him to carefully follow all rules set by the parents, no sweet foods given, wild play, etc -- to avoid future conflicts.

Taking them out one at a time sounds like a great idea. You get to know them as individuals. Together they will fight and mess around like any siblings. 2 of mine - sister and brother (6 and 9) are like that together. There is a big difference in understanding and abilities between the younger one and his brothers - not years wise but I've found the younger one thinks she should be able to do exactly the same as her brother and has a big fuss when she can't. They both wind each other up. Funnily enough older grandson tolerates his 5 year old cousin better than his sister but then only sees him every 2 weeks and can also teach him things like Minecraft and play football whereas sister is a very girlie girl.

I think that you should have a different one each week. I remember when I stayed with my GPs when I was young and had their undivided attention..My GM taught me how to bake and my GF taught me how to paint and also how to process and print black and white film. My GM took me to the South Ken museums.

With 3 siblings all vying for attention from their parents it must be difficult for each child. So for them to be alone with adults would be be a real treat.

This sounds as if your OH is offering to take the children out of his DD's house to leave her with the 2 year old.. As you only live 40 mins away why don't you bring them to your house where you can more comfortably establish ground rules and make sure they have some activities that engage them. Try to establish a pleasant, calm environment with a nice meal.. I wouldn't be taking them for days out.. or giving them special treats.. keep it as normal as possible.. Presumably the idea is to help the DD cope with unexpected
days off school so it won't help her if the boys are taken home early.. The boys are old enough to know how to behave and you can encourage them by having that expectation of them..

I’d just leave him to it. You were not asked or properly considered in his choices.

His failure to plan is not your emergency to fix.

I’m surprised how many are suggesting you go along with his plans

Have you thought of not taking them out but simply having them at yours for the day. They may be better just chilling out with their iPads or playing board games. Or building castles with the sofa cushions 🙃. You may find these conditions more relaxed and easier to deal with. Children don’t always needs exciting days out.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

The problem here seems, to me, to be your OH. If he can't deal with them without getting aggressive then he shouldn't be taking them out. Everyone is getting upset: him, you and the kids, If he insists on continuing then as soon as he starts to loose it, I think you should insist on 'Home James'

Could you take the 9yo on your own while DH takes the older 2?
Or ask either DSD or her DH to come with?

I note that your OH is volunteering to take the children out for the day. He is not being asked to or expected to.

Presumably on days he doesn't want to take them out, he doesn't and his daughter manages to care for the children quite adequately herself.

The solution, therefore is quite simple. You tell your OH that you cannot cope with the squabbling and arguing and that if he wants to take the children out for the day, then he does it alone.

I suspect that one day coping with them on his own and the problem will be solved. You can then offer to join him on outings, perhaps once every couple of months.

I used to be in a similar situation, except there were only two SGC, a boy and a girl and my OH was as soft as anything with them. They used to squabble and the little girl was dreadful when she didn't get exactly what she wanted - she used to chuck herself backwards onto the ground. My SD used to save her by holding her head, but I was truly worried I would not be quick enough. Anyway, one bad day, I just said I was giving only the boy a ride in my new red sports car (something they had been nagging to do) and that I did, leaving the little girl sobbing and yelling at the front door as I closed it. But, it did the trick, her behaviour improved no end and as a result the squabbling ended as well. It is tough and in a way I felt like the big bad wolf, but my view was that although this behaviour might well be acceptable to my OH and SD, it was not acceptable to me and the children had to know that.

If it was me I would just refuse , let him get on with it if he won’t have a word with the children.

Exactly.
OH is the one creating the problem by volunteering himself and OP to take the kids out and by then getting worked up because he can't cope.

Tell him you opt out of that situation until he can change it.

Or speak to the parents about it yourself.
It's ridiculous to feel you can't say anything, while being closely involved with their kids, just because they aren't your blood relatives.

Split them up, you take the best behaved one and let your OH take the others , if they think they are missing out, explain to them that until they can behave themselves then the best behaved one Will be treated differently, it’s up to them then.

Kids are mercenary, if they can get away with fighting they will, divide and conquer!

One thing strikes me is that the husband is promising to take the kids without asking his wife first. Woe betide any partner of mine who promised anything without asking first. I couldn’t bear being taken for granted like that. The problem of the squabbling should be talked over between the two of them then discussed with the parents. As other posters have said no treats for badly behaved children.
If it was me I would just refuse , let him get on with it if he won’t have a word with the children.

GPs seem to be afraid of upsetting 'the little darlings ' and also afraid of telling their AC how much the children care playing up and how utterly exhausted they are. If GP s don't say anything then the child's parent will have no idea. GP s are not there to be e taken advantage of, their role is to love and nurture their GC and AC should appreciate them!

Shelflife

Your OH or you must take the children to one side and let them know in no uncertain way that you will not tolerate their bad behaviour on a day out . Be stern and mean it ! No negotiating, no anger . Tell them there will be no second chances , the second they start causing trouble round them up and immediately take them home. No Mr nice guy promising treats if the behave! Just Mr determined if they step out of line. No warnings , no appealing to their better nature - just about turn and go home! They are behaving badly because they can !!! Let them know you mean business and most importantly who is in charge!!! and it is not them!! If parents don't like you using firm tactics , they must find someone else to take them on - problem solved. I know this sounds harsh but I imagine you will only have to return home once with them, you must tell them of the consequences before taking them out,it is then in their hands whether they have a lovely day out or be taken home IMMEDIATELY - no negotiating. You must mean what you say and carry it out regardless of their promises to behave - they need to learn you are not backtracking. Hopefully they will learn that good behaviour reaps reward , bad behaviour does' nt - simple really! Stand very firm , if they play up then no words other than " we are going home now " and do it - no falling soft.

Great advice!

OH deals sternly with his GC, no bad behaviour acceptable.

Yes, if parents want their parents to look after their children, they need to respect the fact that GP's may do things differently Shelflife. If the children's parents aren't happy, they need to find someone else to provide child care.

Thank you smileless, children are skillful at ' being in charge ' and will push and push if not pulled into line. I recognize that it is a different story for children with autism/ ADHD.
I often hear about GP who are exhausted by taking care of GC. Setting rules may be impossible if parents resent that , my children have trusted me implicitly and have never questioned GMs rules. I am a great believer in the fact that children recognize that boundaries set are home may be different from boundaries when with GPs - within reason of course!! Our GC know that and any rules I set are for their safety - I am no longer a spring chicken!!
We have very little trouble when our GC stay with us , they have a great time and love coming, so my boundaries are accepted and in the whole peace reigns!! GP should not have to tolerate unruly children!!! and parents should back their parents with regard to childcare - my children respect my wishes and appreciate the time I am able to give. The children know that I will report any bad behaviour to their parents and my AC back me up in front of their children. The result is the children behave - most if the time ! They come to me , paint , bake make dens under the dining table , race round our garden, picnic outside and are taken out too. Long may it last !

Excellent adviceShelflife .

forgot one other thing, earbuds to listen to soothing music when they start making a fuss.

Get husband to talk to daughter about the problem.
Take GC out, too prone to boredom if they stay in.
Put eldest child in front seat of car
You or husband sit between other 2 children in the back.
Give books toys food etc to keep everyone engaged in their own thing
Only visit places which encourage them to run and play (park?)
Take balls etc, to encourage them to wear themselves out.
Have plenty of drinks on hand (children dehydrate quickly)
One of them should fall asleep in the car on the way home.
Don't get involved in discipline of the children - pass that on to Mum and Dad (too wearing)
Let the parents know you expect them to deal with squabbling retrospectively, when they pick them up.

Or alternatively take yourself out for a relaxing coffee/spa day when they come around

This is what the OP said. It's the teacher strike days that they have the children. so parents can go to work I presume.

so not just treat days. depends on their ages and if you are on the same page with rules.

I would let him take them and go off somewhere myself I think....

I would also cut out the 'taking them out' element and just have them at home. I think it is completely normal for siblings to squabble