Being a grandma compared to being a mother

NotSpaghetti

Thanks for the comments KMoo22
Some of us try really hard to be a support when needed and not in the way. I certainly also liked to hear how I'm not alone in the way I grandparent as you can also feel a bit odd when so many are very involved with and invested in their grandchildren.
I'm not including those that do this in a dire situation - this is truly a gift of love!

It's hard to move from mother to grandmother I think - probably more so if your own children have long since grown up. In my case our oldest daughter was a mother when our youngest left home. I'd really only just finished "mothering". I wanted my daughter to have the same lovely bond with her little one that I felt I had with mine and did anything useful to make her transition to mother as positive as possible.
Cooking dinners and dropping them off (without going in) was always nice to do - and buying "big knickers" after a C-section - and lots of nursing bras online ^and taking responsibility for the returns...

Also, many women enter the menopause at about the time they become grandparents - I wonder if there are any studies around grandmothers and loss of fertility just as their daughters and sons are starting families?
And then there's hormones too..

I do think people forget to remind the new mum what a great job she's doing, to assure her she will get through this and it's just the first of many phases and challenges - and that years down the line some of this will actuallybe funny. Laughteris a great healer in early days...

However we all have faults - in my case I know I have a tendency to want to "rescue" people (I think I've always had it). If my adult children and partners have something going on that I perceive is an issue that they can be rescued from I'm on high alert! .
I have learned to only make suggestions once and then back off. I do now say "I'm going to say this once and then never again" if i think I'm a bit too close to the bone. Occasionally they come back and say, "yes, I never thought of that" or "I tried that last month and it worked" or "tell me again what you said about x"... I'm glad I know I do this. 🙄😬 and have found a way to manage it!

I think some grandmothers struggle because they don't know their faults and so can't address them - like Sara1954's once-lovely friend.

I have lots of faults.
I try to notice what I'm doing and saying and still sometimes something intended to be kind or thoughtful goes wrong. But the relationships survive because we care for each other and in the end, we are pulling in the same direction.

This is a bit rambling. Apologies.
It is nice to find some people with some shared thoughts.
💐
Thank you.

Them big knickers never leave the drawers 😂😂😂😂 my Mum bought my loads for after my birth as I tore and bled a fair bit soo mine were a god send lol!

NotSpaghetti

Thanks for the comments KMoo22
Some of us try really hard to be a support when needed and not in the way. I certainly also liked to hear how I'm not alone in the way I grandparent as you can also feel a bit odd when so many are very involved with and invested in their grandchildren.
I'm not including those that do this in a dire situation - this is truly a gift of love!

It's hard to move from mother to grandmother I think - probably more so if your own children have long since grown up. In my case our oldest daughter was a mother when our youngest left home. I'd really only just finished "mothering". I wanted my daughter to have the same lovely bond with her little one that I felt I had with mine and did anything useful to make her transition to mother as positive as possible.
Cooking dinners and dropping them off (without going in) was always nice to do - and buying "big knickers" after a C-section - and lots of nursing bras online ^and taking responsibility for the returns...

Also, many women enter the menopause at about the time they become grandparents - I wonder if there are any studies around grandmothers and loss of fertility just as their daughters and sons are starting families?
And then there's hormones too..

I do think people forget to remind the new mum what a great job she's doing, to assure her she will get through this and it's just the first of many phases and challenges - and that years down the line some of this will actuallybe funny. Laughteris a great healer in early days...

However we all have faults - in my case I know I have a tendency to want to "rescue" people (I think I've always had it). If my adult children and partners have something going on that I perceive is an issue that they can be rescued from I'm on high alert! .
I have learned to only make suggestions once and then back off. I do now say "I'm going to say this once and then never again" if i think I'm a bit too close to the bone. Occasionally they come back and say, "yes, I never thought of that" or "I tried that last month and it worked" or "tell me again what you said about x"... I'm glad I know I do this. 🙄😬 and have found a way to manage it!

I think some grandmothers struggle because they don't know their faults and so can't address them - like Sara1954's once-lovely friend.

I have lots of faults.
I try to notice what I'm doing and saying and still sometimes something intended to be kind or thoughtful goes wrong. But the relationships survive because we care for each other and in the end, we are pulling in the same direction.

This is a bit rambling. Apologies.
It is nice to find some people with some shared thoughts.
💐
Thank you.

Not a ramble at all! I enjoy reading longer comments as I feel if your similar to me easier to write it down than say it out loud!

I love GN it gave me some good pointers in dealing with my MIL, I never intended to go no contact and we still aren’t I tend to keep the contact as she is a lovely person, shes not malicious. Shes just very confused in the difference of mum/grandma.

Mothers day was a good example I think she just got into a frenzy and fuss as its always just been about her being a mum that she automatically translated it to being ‘Grandma’s day’. I felt quite bad for my boyfriend as he seemed genuinely upset when she thanked our son for the gifts when we specifically wrote them from my boyfriend and not him so not to cause any upset or confusion. And my partner was really upset and said why on earth did you call it grandmas day and thank him for the gifts they were from me to my mum not him!!
But shes honestly a genuinely nice person, shes just very thoughtless. My partners just like her at times.

Sadly I think newer grandparents see other grandparents who have the GC’s regular etc and they follow suit and it becomes an expectation based off what others do! OR if in my partners family for example my MIL is literally the ‘house wife’ she does everything cooks/cleans/washing etc so she expected the roles to continue into her GC.

I do think some do struggle separate that role though! But I do LOVE GN as the members on here are so resourceful and helpful!

I'd think being a mum is not actually comparable to being a gram - totally different relationships, in my opinion. The mum work is over.

Mamissimo your post made weep.

Thanks for the comments KMoo22
Some of us try really hard to be a support when needed and not in the way. I certainly also liked to hear how I'm not alone in the way I grandparent as you can also feel a bit odd when so many are very involved with and invested in their grandchildren.
I'm not including those that do this in a dire situation - this is truly a gift of love!

It's hard to move from mother to grandmother I think - probably more so if your own children have long since grown up. In my case our oldest daughter was a mother when our youngest left home. I'd really only just finished "mothering". I wanted my daughter to have the same lovely bond with her little one that I felt I had with mine and did anything useful to make her transition to mother as positive as possible.
Cooking dinners and dropping them off (without going in) was always nice to do - and buying "big knickers" after a C-section - and lots of nursing bras online ^and taking responsibility for the returns...

Also, many women enter the menopause at about the time they become grandparents - I wonder if there are any studies around grandmothers and loss of fertility just as their daughters and sons are starting families?
And then there's hormones too..

I do think people forget to remind the new mum what a great job she's doing, to assure her she will get through this and it's just the first of many phases and challenges - and that years down the line some of this will actuallybe funny. Laughteris a great healer in early days...

However we all have faults - in my case I know I have a tendency to want to "rescue" people (I think I've always had it). If my adult children and partners have something going on that I perceive is an issue that they can be rescued from I'm on high alert! .
I have learned to only make suggestions once and then back off. I do now say "I'm going to say this once and then never again" if i think I'm a bit too close to the bone. Occasionally they come back and say, "yes, I never thought of that" or "I tried that last month and it worked" or "tell me again what you said about x"... I'm glad I know I do this. 🙄😬 and have found a way to manage it!

I think some grandmothers struggle because they don't know their faults and so can't address them - like Sara1954's once-lovely friend.

I have lots of faults.
I try to notice what I'm doing and saying and still sometimes something intended to be kind or thoughtful goes wrong. But the relationships survive because we care for each other and in the end, we are pulling in the same direction.

This is a bit rambling. Apologies.
It is nice to find some people with some shared thoughts.
💐
Thank you.

I look after my younger grandchildren twice a week in the school holidays. Sometimes I go to their house and sometimes they come to m. I can’t do two consecutive days because I get so tired. I must admit that I do it to help my son and his wife: I don’t really enjoy it. At least they let me put the tv on for them now. When I looked after the youngest a few years ago tv was banned and sometimes I just wanted to sit and watch a film with him. I don’t think their parents understand that I’m old now and my walking isn’t too good.

I absolutely LOVE reading the comments on this thread its so wonderful to see so many grandparents in agreements. I actually joined this group a year back to try and get some in-sight into maybe it was me being cruel (thrns out I wasn’t I was setting my boundaries down) and just get some general support from other grandparents; as my IL’s turned into possessive demons the minute my son was born. If I could write it all down I’d need two books at least to completely fill!
It was all about my MIL and her experiences as a grandma, what she wanted to do and she in the politest way possible tarnished any nice memories I had with my son in them newborn days as most of it I had horrific PNA due to her pushing and carrying on over who was the most important woman to her grandson. Falling out over us having no choice in living with my mum and dad as my house was deemed unliveable due too a burst pipe destroying it, then the worst comment I had was about me needing to stop breastfeeding and give him bottles instead as it wasn’t what my MIL wanted for him, she felt left out of being a good grandparent as I stripped her of some roles and I hadn’t spoken to her about how to make caring for the child equal…
Its sooo damned REFRESHING to see so many sensible people in these comments and actually saying that the parenting stops with the parents, we are there to help when asked for or needed. Its so nice to see how many agree some grandparents are too over involved. Ofc I took on board some suggestions at the time that things were caused by my PNA and I learned to relax some stuff!

Thank you all again for more helpful and insightful comments to read!

I think this thread has drawn quite a few of us who are happy to be less involved with our grandchildren than seems to be the "norm" on Gransnet (if such a thing exists)..

Many of us have a much closer bond with our adult children than our grandchildren.

Personally I think that's how it should be. I do like to have time with my adult children and would probably choose that over seeing grandchildren if it was one or the other.
I think like farmor -
It seems our children are very keen for us to see them fairly often - want to visit- even though we don't go out of our way to do exciting things with them..
They do, of course also bring the grandchildren and I do love doing things with them - especially the baking and messy stuff with paint and glue!

I was similar to M0nica when our children were growing up - encouraged independence as soon as possible. There's a family joke (more or less true) that as soon as a child could hold a knife to butter bread, they had to make own sandwiches for school. I know of other mothers who were still preparing lunches for their offspring in their 20s!

As far as grandchildren are concerned, it seems our children are very keen for us to see them fairly often - want to visit- even though we don't go out of our way to do exciting things with them. We do have another life besides children and grandchildren,.

As a mother I greeted every sign of independence by my children with delight, from not needing to support theur heads to themfeeding themselves, to the first day at school, when I finally got my life back.

I am exactly the same with DGC

I have always found that encouraging my children and grandchildren to fly without constraint with no attempts to keep them in any way, has done more to keep the family close and in touch than anything else.

Exactly xx

I have a friend who is in a constant battle with her sons in-laws, for who can be most important granny. Christmas is a minefield, my friend will probably be getting her invite in around now, plus booking lots of seasonal outings.

Her daughter in law hates her, and only wants to be with her own family, and it’s now come to to the point that they visit their own families with the children, but not each others.

She is a nightmare, she was a lovely funny, sensible woman before the children came along, now she’s a monster.

While I would stop short of saying a relationship with grandchildren was ‘unhealthy’, I am puzzled about some posts I see from grandparents who seem to be very worried about things which, to me, should be dealt with by the parents. I do love my grandchildren, but certainly have no desire to be massively involved in their lives, and I don’t stress if I haven’t seen them for a while. I have never been greatly involved in childcare, which has suited me just fine. I have a sleepover booking for tomorrow night, so the wine will be in the fridge for when they leave.

When I was a young child my grandmother would love to have been much more involved in my life. Because of a family rift she was prevented from this and only allowed a visit once a month when one of my aunts took me to see her. She later told me how much it had hurt her not to be more involved. It was not as though she allowed me to do as I wished and spoiled me. In fact she had very strict standards of behaviour. Neverthlless I formed a far closer bond with her than I did with my parents. Looking back, my grandmother was a very strong minded and determined woman and I am proud to take after her in that way.

As soon as I reached the age of consent (21 in those days) I became much more involved with her and it was my own parents to took a back seat in my life.

Children grow up to make their own choices.

MayBee
Have one of my granddaughters here for a long weekend, we have always been close, her having spent several years living with us.
But I feel the change, going out with her friends, needing picking up, not knowing exactly where she is, I miss her, but am very happy she’s enjoying life.

Very aware at the moment of being a grandmother and not a mother. Currently looking after grandchildren that aren’t quite old enough to be left at home on their own for a weekend but don’t really want me around. Don’t really know what to do if I’m asked to do it again as I feel it’s important for DD and SIL to spend time together ( one if the reasons my marriage broke up was that I was very obsessed with our children) but I’m feeling very awkward and can’t wait to go home! Very aware that they look on me as a grey haired old lady who has nothing in common with them

NotSpaghetti I wonder if those of us who had slightly bigger families are more inclined to say "no" having "childrened ourselves out" a bit more?

I think that could easily be true. We had 2 of our daughters whilst I was in my late teens and 2 more when I was in late 30s early 40s. We were quite "children-ed out" a very long time ago, I love a clean calm home.

We've lovely GC- most childcare accomplished by dear daughters.

NotSpaghetti and Katyj I think you have it.
All “childrened” out. That must have been my Mum after 6 children then a seventh at age 42- me (I think women became old quicker then) and depression……well it didn’t even exist.

My eldest sister was 21 when I was born and I became an Aunty to a niece at 14 months of age with more to follow. So plenty of babies about the place and lots of comings and goings.

Both my parents could only focus on one baby at a time so each time a new grandchild was born the previous one got abruptly left by the wayside so to speak and boys were seen as a nuisance !
My parents were full on in that I went everywhere with them but the other siblings at home were heavily involved.
Not that unusual at the time BUT it was, over the years like having being brought up by a committee with six older siblings plus their subsequent partners all putting their two penneth in!

40sGranny I recognise that feeling of “ being cast as an understudy” very well indeed😉

Katyj

Yes NotSpaghetti I think your probably right. My DH is one of five the last one being born with a big gap. When the DGC came along my mil wasn’t interested much at all ,she enjoyed us visiting but didn’t want to look after them. I found it strange at the time but now I’m older I can understand her.

Ha, she sounds just like me!

NotSpaghetti

I had five children over 13 years. All were "extended" breast feeders and we took them everywhere we went- no babysitters. They very occasionally had an overnight or 2 with grandparents - but only once they were big enough to put on a train - and we would drive the 4 hrs the next day to visit too.
My husband and I home-educated so spent thousands of "extra" hours with them when others had children at school.
I do not regret it. Not even the 13 plus years of no sleep.

I really feel I have done with parenting children now though. I would still die for my children (if it came to it) but hope they would be the ones thinking like that about our grandchildren!

I love my grandchildren mainly because my children love them. They give us all joy and I feel very blessed.

We do look after them in emergency situations, of course. We regularly have them pop in for an afternoon or for dinner or whatever and occasionally we take them out for fun days and treats - or simply because they want to do something or other... but we don't do any day-to-day or regular care.
I'm afraid we just said no.

I wonder if those of us who had slightly bigger families are more inclined to say "no" having "childrened ourselves out" a bit more?
Who can say...

Yes maybe, I have 5 children too and breastfed, co slept (until very recently with our toddler) I remember being all broody and clucky over other peoples babies before I had my own but then less so after and certainly less so than my friends who have only had 1 or 2 children. Although with each of my own babies I have felt a tremendous love for them. I had not been particularly broody for another baby as such when we thought about having our last one but wanted a sibling for the other youngest one to grow up with. However was actually really surprised by how amazing it all felt despite doing it so many times before and the overwhelming love I felt was no less. and even the joy for us when took first steps etc.
I love having the my DC and DGC pop over for the afternoon, cooking them a nice lunch, nurturing all of them and seeing the DGC play etc and so heartwarming to be called grandma. Love buying them birthday and Christmas presents too. However I really don’t have any inclination to be responsible for them, do any of the the day to day care etc I would of course do it in an emergency or babysit if they’re sleeping but it’s not something I particularly want to do. I don’t mind so much the idea of babysitting when they’re older if they themselves are particularly keen to come and stay then can imagine having a lovely time together going to the cinema etc and really looking forward to that stage. For now though, like most toddlers they get quite upset if mummy and daddy are out of site and it’s so much more nerve wracking and challenging looking after someone else’s toddler, you know less about them, what they like and works with them etc, worry if they bump themselves, need to align any parenting to parents preferences etc. then there’s just having the time and energy. Much as we absolutely love being parents, we pay for childcare for us to just get a break when we can. So really don’t want to take
on an even more challenging version of the same responsibility. It has started causing conflict though as they see friends whose parents want to be hugely involved, babysit for days at a time etc and feel angry that I’m not offering the same and I feel resentful that they are expecting that.

Yes NotSpaghetti I think your probably right. My DH is one of five the last one being born with a big gap. When the DGC came along my mil wasn’t interested much at all ,she enjoyed us visiting but didn’t want to look after them. I found it strange at the time but now I’m older I can understand her.

I had five children over 13 years. All were "extended" breast feeders and we took them everywhere we went- no babysitters. They very occasionally had an overnight or 2 with grandparents - but only once they were big enough to put on a train - and we would drive the 4 hrs the next day to visit too.
My husband and I home-educated so spent thousands of "extra" hours with them when others had children at school.
I do not regret it. Not even the 13 plus years of no sleep.

I really feel I have done with parenting children now though. I would still die for my children (if it came to it) but hope they would be the ones thinking like that about our grandchildren!

I love my grandchildren mainly because my children love them. They give us all joy and I feel very blessed.

We do look after them in emergency situations, of course. We regularly have them pop in for an afternoon or for dinner or whatever and occasionally we take them out for fun days and treats - or simply because they want to do something or other... but we don't do any day-to-day or regular care.
I'm afraid we just said no.

I wonder if those of us who had slightly bigger families are more inclined to say "no" having "childrened ourselves out" a bit more?
Who can say...

I have one son who is 49.

His first few years with me were very bumpy, due to my ongoing post natal depression. My husband was wonderful and supported me and my DS.

When I became a grandmother to two grandsons I was suddenly enveloped in total love for them and I thought ‘so this is how it was meant to be’. Why didn’t I have these feelings all those years ago ?

My 3 boys are my life now, plus DH of course.

I think the difference is that we were looked after a lot by my grandparents, but we weren’t entertained. My cousin and I would play outside, we were allowed to play in a spare bedroom, if gran needed to go shopping, I was dragged along. I went with her visiting friends, to her town’s women guild meetings, and if I was naughty, I was told off.
In other words, I fitted into her life, and apart from the odd packet of smarties, I was no expense.
With me, when I’m looking after the children, that’s all I do, and the day it tailor made to meet their needs.
I love spoiling them, I enjoy taking them out and treating them, but my role is very different from my grandparents.

I had two babies in my late 30s early 40s - also 4 first GC. No, I do not feel the same towards our GC as our own children. I'm not inclined to babysit GC on a schedule - I have my own tasks.