Splitting childcare between daughters

My goodness! What offspring to have. My daughter didn’t have her first child til 30 and I was still working full time so couldn’t oblige… indeed she didn’t even think of asking . Then when he went to school I was working part time so could oblige with picking up three days a week. Then she had her second…and I could fit two days childcare around my job and increasingly demanding sick husband ! Then I retired and could do three days a week for granddaughter and I lived every minute of the hassle with my GC. But the difference being …not once was I hassled into doing a minute more than I could or indeed wanted. My daughter always asked me if I could do a certain day or time and I would say yes or no. She wouldn’t even expect me to give her a reason. If I said no …then she would/could make alternative arrangements I was first port of call as the kids preferred nanny to their friends mums’ after school.
The arrangement worked well for them and I was pleased to do it…..if my daughter ever dictated what I should be doing that would’ve been the end for me. We knew where each other stands.
I now don’t do any ‘helping with kids’ as the lad is 16 and can quite easily control ( nearly) his 11 year old sister. I do miss the hassle it caused me. Life is dull without thier daily nattering.

i volunteered for one day a week in feb this year for my son,it is exhausting, 2 days with a couple of what seem adult children,would not only take a physical toll,but an emotional one also. think of what is realistic for you,they don't seem to have you in mind.

Do your daughters and yourself all live near each other? I would say one day for each of them and they do one day for each other and let them sort it out.

How many children are there and what are their ages?
Is it just you, or do you have a partner, too, that can help?
Is it possible to have all on one or 2 days?

I think the od has had more than her fair share and it's time to help out the yd I look after my gd 2 days a week and my gs 2 days in school holidays depending on my dd shifts and she is a single parent fortunately dd and dil get on well and we try to muddle through they need to think about you and how it's making you feel

I totally understand as I have two daughters who need help with children. One lives close and so gets much more help from me. I try to make it up to the other one in the school holidays.
I looked forward to having grandchildren but never thought it would cause such rifts. I try to be fair but it seems to be impossible.

They may be 'entitled' but both appear pretty desperate as well. If you gave the first gc this support in some ways you can understand the younger daughter feeling you might give hers the same benefit but then you had already got an agreement with, and expectation from, the older daughter. Unfortunately most parents need to work these days to maintain any foothold in a career, for a pension, their independence and for the family to simply get by. Nevertheless, you shouldn't have to be in the middle of all this and you need to decide what you are able to offer them and if you feel you can offer them help, say what is on offer and get them to sort it out between them. What a sad situation all round. I worked part time for free, more or less, after the cost and availability of childcare - and things seem to have got much worse since then. The whole childcare situation is dreadful and I do feel for you all and hope you can find an amicable solution that doesn't leave you in such a difficult position. Contrary to all the political talk about equality and getting women back into the workforce I feel that there's a not very subtle trend towards pushing women out of work and back into the home.

Yes really entitled! A friend has three young GC and the parents recently separated. The Mum starts a new job in Sept and as the Dad 'had made plans' she was asked to drop all her own arrangements and drive an 80 mile round trip to cover a gap in childcare for a week!! Needless to say she put her foot down. As I think you should too.

Get the daughter who has been made redundant to look after the younger daughters child as well as hers until she finds work?.
By then you will have decided to only have the children for 1 day each.

Our youngest daughter looked after her sisters baby in London until she found work, it worked well, she was cheaper for our eldest and it was so nice for her to have the time with her new niece. By the time she was working eldest daughter was pregnant again, it worked very well.

Our AC don’t seem to realise that we are getting older do they? I have helped with childcare for all mine but am beginning to feel the strain. When my first DC was born my parents were thrilled and desperate to help but I knew it would be too much. I was reducing my hours and had booked a childminder for the reduced hours, but I had to return full time for a short period. My parents looked after DC on the days I would be cutting, I think it was for 6 weeks, and they admitted that they had found it hard. I’m glad they had that opportunity but also that they realised how hard it would have been for them.

MIL looked after sil's children a LOT when they were babies adn toddlers. When she heard I was pregnant- she said 'don't count on me, I've done it once and never again. Ah well- we did look after her right to the end.

They are lucky you are happy to do some childcare for them. Tell them you will do one day a week each plus emergency care if you are able on the day.

Older child has had her share, goodness me she sounds a bit selfish. It is your chance to get to know your other grandchild now. This is your choice to make not theirs no matter how stroppy and rude she gets. Perhaps she should check on the cost of your unpaid labour so far.

why don't your daughters support each other?

I'm glad I never did volunteer for it! They don't live close by - and they know me well enough to realise I'd soon resent a regular commitment.

They both have arrangements with childminders and friends. If I'd been too willing to step in, maybe they wouldn't have sought out that help?

For instance, one granddaughter spends a day with her friend (they're happy together) and the friend comes to her house on another day.

Definitely one day a week each.

The past is irrelevant tho they are childishly saying "but she had this and that".

Say you are older, less energy, will not ge involved between the two of them, its a case of what you can offer NOW, and have to get this under control and couldn't have possibly anticipated the situation.

I note that one daughter is going to earn more money
AND already has nursery care 2 days, whats wrong with more days there?

Re things like school holidays - the lovely nursery my DGC go to takes children up to about 8 in the holidays, they are happy and busy there with other kids.

(heck you are well warned with 5, VS, it makes me glad...I just had one!)

I think I am going to be careful with this one

I have 5 children, I don't want to do for one what I can't for others

I’d be tempted to point out to eldest that she’s already had years of childcare in comparison to her sister, so to make it fair, you wouldn’t be doing childcare for her anymore. But you’re NOT doing that, so she should be grateful for what you can give

This entitlement is getting out of hand in many families. We know so may who, having looked after one AC's children, are expected to look after all of AC's children for the next 20 years. Two couples we know looked after son's kids for 2.5 day, then another AC returned from abroad, and in the other case, another AC got pregnant- so we told they had to look after those for 2.5 days = 5 days of care every week + many week-ends. And the blackmail and threats are beyond belief.

Grandparents are supposed to help and support, not bring all their GCs up!

Do either of them ever express genuine concern for your availability beyond how it impacts them?smh. They seem entitled.

Decide how much time you want to spend caring for young children. Tell them what you are willing give, and let them each take it or leave it. If it’s one day each, so be it. They aren’t the only parents in the world with loads of responsibilities. They have to learn to sort childcare issues out like the rest of the planet.

Shut down any and all talk from one about the other. A simple “I’m not getting in the middle” will suffice. Rinse and repeat. Prioritize your peace. You’ve already raised your children.

Hithere

Why cant your daughters behave like adults and address their own children care needs individually instead of making this much unnecessary drama?

I agree!

eazybee

Goodness, there are some entitled adult children about.

The older daughter doesn't dictate what child care you do; you have helped her out and now the younger daughter needs your help.
Do what you are prepared to do for her, and likewise for the older daughter should she get a job, but make sure you limit the time you are prepared to offer to both, and at the first hint of 'she's getting more than me' threaten to drop it.

Good advice from Eazybee

vegansrock

Tell them you can do one day a week for each of them( if that what you are prepared to do). They can sort out the days between them. You can’t play King Solomon here- if they can’t agree between them then you can say “ I’ll do Mondays for YD and Fridays for OD. That’s my availability. If you don’t like it you can pay a professional. “

This!

It's their problem to sort out, not yours, 6Grann4

I was helping with GC for over two years long days. When my third GC was born I said to DS and Dil I couldn't be so available. I was wanting to see my new GC. Their response was rather selfish imo and rather annoyed me at the time.
I have not been asked to help with them since it was either their way or no way!
Occasionally I am asked to help with third GC but they live too far away for regular childcare. I do see our three GC on a regular basis I am glad to say and we do all get on well.
I think at times adult offspring take grandparents for granted and expect constant child care without question.
Our friends both couples constantly complain their time is not their own. They have childcare and out of school activities with timetables. I don't think I would want to put up with that and I know DH would not either.

Goodness me! Very entitled me thinks, totally agree with Hithere! They sound so childish. I would say one day each and that’s your lot matey!