Splitting childcare between daughters

I think I would look after younger daughter's child on the premise that it will be until she gets a nursery space. If the older daughter gets a job before that time perhaps she could get a nursery/child minder place or have both children on the same day, might be easier to have the two together.

Esmay

I know so many grandmothers , who are completely worn out trying to please their adult children by providing childcare .

Any retirement plans and aspirations are shelved .

What appalls me is the attitude of their children - explosions of rage and a tirade of insults if they fail in some way .

This absolutely. In my own case I am a fair few years off retirement so alongside the child care, housework and admin tasks (for the kids as well as my self) I am still working! I am exhausted by it all and yet the guilt that we were not better off when the kids were young and that their father was ill and we went through some very tough times is so severe that I cannot say no! The repercussions of saying no are awful!

Why agree to childcare duties in the first place?

If one WANTS to do some childcare in later years that's each persons right. Yhe problem is NOT the agreeing. The problem is not being clear about ones boundaries on childcare from the beginning and sticking to it!

I know so many grandmothers , who are completely worn out trying to please their adult children by providing childcare .

Any retirement plans and aspirations are shelved .

What appalls me is the attitude of their children - explosions of rage and a tirade of insults if they fail in some way .

Why do these grans get themselves into these situations in the first place. It’s a ridiculous responsibility to take on in later life.
Why agree to childcare duties in the first place? Have these grans got nothing better to do in their ‘golden’ years? It’s not surprising these internal struggles arise within families if Gran kick-starts the whole process off by agreeing to be the child minder!

Lathyrus

If I understand correctly it’s all a bit up in the air anyway. The older daughter wont need childcare for a bit because she’s being made redundant and the younger one only wants a temporary day until a nursery place becomes available.
You might be able to fit on with both in the timescale.

However I have to say that you’re not obliged to do childcare unless you’re loving it, so maybe take this opportunity to review the arrangements?

Agree with Lathyrus.

Best wishes.

Can't you look after both of them at the same time?

I was hoping to move nearer my son and daughter in law to be able to help but made it clear I wouldn't offer regular childcare but would try to be available for emergencies. Daughter in law is currently on maternity leave after birth of their second child. My grandson goes to nursery and his sister will do too after the maternity leave. I haven't moved yet but still hope to, as they currently live 200 miles away.

It is important in retirement to have your own life and interests, though many grandparents offer quite a lot of childcare. It also depends on one's age and health. I was an older mum and I'm aware that I don't have as much energy as many younger grandparents. Don't feel obliged to offer more than you are comfortable with as you need to look after yourself too.

I hope your daughters can resolve their differences and reach an arrangement that works for every one. It would be sad if this results in a major rift in the family.

Thanks for all your advice. Just to answer a couple of questions posed above - older daughter has 2 children - 4 1/2 (about to start school) and 21 months. Younger daughter has one child - 3 1/2 who is on the waiting list for a third day at nursery but won't be until at least January if then. They live about 20 miles apart in opposite directions from me and older daughter doesn't drive so sharing childcare or providing for each other is not practicable. I am aware that I am a soft touch and find it hard to say no to my children and need to toughen up with them.

FNODT

Omg! I do a 12 hour day each week with GC for my DS and DIL and I end up out of pocket. I still work 3 days as a tutor in FE so I'm knackered. Might suggest they contribute to my gym membership which is cheap as chips. AC do seem to think it's our responsibility to look after ^their ^children!

Sounds like my neighbour/friend. She has minded her granddaughter from birth to now 13. She has given up so much for her solicitor daughter.

Years ago she admitted that her daughter didn’t pay her anything for childminding and said she coould do eith it but didn’t like to ask.

My goodness this is such a spoilt generation .

I would never have been so ungrateful with my parents .

Tell them what you can do giving each daughter equal amounts of time .

And if it doesnt suit say , one more word of complaint and there will be no babysitting and I'll be enjoying things that I like to do .

biglouis

And some of you wonder why people like me chose to remain childfree! At least I never imposed this burden on my own parents.

I had kids ...but I didn't "impose this burden on my parents"!!

It isn't having the kids that's the problem!!

And some of you wonder why people like me chose to remain childfree! At least I never imposed this burden on my own parents.

Omg! I do a 12 hour day each week with GC for my DS and DIL and I end up out of pocket. I still work 3 days as a tutor in FE so I'm knackered. Might suggest they contribute to my gym membership which is cheap as chips. AC do seem to think it's our responsibility to look after ^their ^children!

I know you love your grandchildren and want to help your daughters, but it amazes me that so many young families these days just expect and assume that grandparents will provide help when they require it. You are doing them a favour, I would tell them if they can't agree then they had better find the child care elsewhere where no doubt it will cost them.

jenpax

My complete sympathy! I too am stuck between daughters requiring help and childcare! In my case I have 3 DD and the youngest expects me to provide 24/7 unpaid (unthanked) child care, cook, cleaner and general factotum for her 3 DC the others expect me to fill my (non existent free time!) with helping them ! Between them I have no life! Sadly guilt about the hardships of their childhoods is the reason I let them do this and youngest openly plays on this!

jenpax you know you are allowing them to treat you so badly because of guilt on your part. This is wrong and going them and you no favours. Please try to balance tour own needs in your life ..its not fair on you and you only have one life

You and you alone decide how many days you take care of your grandchildren, and you alone decide how many children you can cope with on any given day. Your youngest daughter needs your help now, she needs the extra day untill the daycare can take her child. Your oldest daughter is not working right now so can manage her own childcare. You could offer her to take care of her children the days she's out on job interviews. This is how I see your situation, respect to you for trying to find the middle way between your daughters.

My mum felt very guilty that she couldn’t do the same childcare for me as she’d done for my sister, 9 years older and had children younger than I did) due to being older and in ill health. I didn’t expect her and dad to look after my kids and was fortunate enough to be able do night work so we could manage between us. She did the kids out for the odd afternoon to try and ‘compensate’. Too many kids are relying on parents for free childcare-we’ve done our bit and, if retired, deserve a bit of ‘me’ time

coastalgran, exactly - they're not your problem. When my four were young (even now) I had regular migraines and allergic reactions, meaning I'd take to my bed, leaving them, effectively, home alone looking after each other. They survived!

They are your grandchildren, not your children. Your daughters decided to be parents and have children with their partners therefore the responsibility is theirs, not yours.

My complete sympathy! I too am stuck between daughters requiring help and childcare! In my case I have 3 DD and the youngest expects me to provide 24/7 unpaid (unthanked) child care, cook, cleaner and general factotum for her 3 DC the others expect me to fill my (non existent free time!) with helping them ! Between them I have no life! Sadly guilt about the hardships of their childhoods is the reason I let them do this and youngest openly plays on this!

if they're going to argue just tell them free childcare is closed

If you've already given a lot of childcare for elder DD and only occasionally for younger DD then surely you help out younger DD with a day each week until a space becomes available at nursery for her child. DS2 will need to get nursery care too. It's not fair to give so much more childcare to dd1. I would have thought 1 day each a week is very generous of you. Don't forget you have your own life to lead too.

My son’s m-i-l has looked after all three grandchildren while my d-i-l worked - I felt a bit jealous to start off with as, like most of us, I love spending time with my DGC. (Also, they live near the in-laws, and nowhere near us).

However, I’ve developed arthritis over the last few years, and have much less energy than I used to have, so I really wouldn’t be able to do regular childcare until I get the arthritis pain under control.

Have your daughters never considered sharing a nanny or childminder? I’m astonished by how many grandparents I know who offer unconditional childminding - I can see the chance to see the GC regularly is very tempting, but do leave some time for yourself!

If you could wave a magic wand, what would be YOUR choice - ie ideal for you , how much you want to be with the grandchildren
Do that x