Daughter starts horrendous arguments within minutes of speaking to me.

I've sent you a pm .
You are not alone .

It sounds as though she is very unhappy , severely depressed. When my teenage son used to do this I used to tell him I loved him and leave the conversation .
Poor you , its an awful scenario because you do love her and because she loves you she's treating you like the punchbag .

I'm sorry your daughter is treating you like this Colvillefly it's very hard I know. I think the best thing to do is not to engage with her when she is being hurtful. You can tell her you love her and will help her but you are not prepared to tolerate her abuse and end the call. You have to look after yourself in this situation.

I would not write a letter it will be misinterpreted whatever you say. Been there.
Distancing yourself is the best way. Answer calls but keep them short, very short, don't give up
On her, we always return to our mothers, time and patience keeps you from regrets

I would not s

I agree with sending a carefully worded and loving letter with no apologies and no blame Colvillefly, simply explaining that the arguments are hurtful (you could say that they must be hurtful for her too) and in future if they start, you'll end the call.

It doesn't matter if she keeps hold of the letter because there'd be nothing wrong with it and as pascal's posted, a letter may give her the opportunity to think about how she's behaving and why.

You need to have boundaries to protect yourself and sometimes as upsetting as it is, you need to protect yourself from your own child, which you can do while remaining in contact.

Good luck .

That is why I suggested a very carefully worded letter with no recriminations or conditions other than the Op loves her and is there for her.
I expect the initial response will be more abuse and the OP won't be talking to her, but she is clearly troubled and possibly in the dark reaches of the night she might just cling to it and remember you are there for her.

My daughter can also be quite difficult. She found it hard during the time her Dad and I were going through a divorce. She was a Daddy’s girl, but felt she had to support me, due to his affair etc. Although she did help, there were times she would say some harsh things. That’s typical of a mother-daughter relationship, I think . Don’t worry too much - you’re not alone in this ..

I agree with many of the comments on here - it sounds like she may well have MH issues of some kind. But at the end of the day, you need to put yourself first now and stop responding to her. Delete any messages without replying to them and don't respond to any of her nastiness. Leave it be for a while and see if the situation settles down. Take care.

Some really helpful comments on here for you and nothing else I can really add except look after yourself. I'm sorry this is happening in your family. It sounds like at some point she is going to disconnect with you which would be a sadness for you but perhaps some space would do you both good.

It is heartbreaking but you must protect yourself. Many good suggestions above.

I'd not contact her, I'd wait for her to contact me, and set boundaries described above when she does for now.

I have some reservations about you bringing it up with her sibs unless they bring it up with you, these things can rebound.

It's really hard: like others I think there are MH problems lurking there, and it is NOT your fault in anyway. If you go on feeling as bad as you do, I'd seek a counsellor out for myself.

That's so sad, Colvillefly. I'm really sorry. It certainly seems as if your daughter has issues and needs help.
I know for certain, that if any of my loved ones behaved like that towards me, although I would try absolutely everything to put things right, if they continued to hurt and upset me then I would definitely cut myself off from them. For a while, at least.
I sincerely hope that she gets help and that your relationship can be mended in time. Sending best wishes.

Very sound advice from everyone. I have a friend whose daughter behaves like this. She has lost an extremely good job due to her unacceptable behaviour, which is thought to be a personality disorder, made worse if she drinks alcohol. The company had been supportive for years, paying for private health assessments, whilst she received a full salary. She demands money from her father, whilst being abusive to him. I am amazed how he tolerates it, whilst currently going through prostate cancer treatment. Do take care of yourself and your husband Colvillefly, and try to only communicate through your other children. Sadly, it would appear to be a mental health issue, for which she needs medical help.

lemsip

oh, don't write a letter, she will hold on to it forever .

It will give her the chance to think about it which is not possible in the heat of an argument..

I love both my daughters but I don't LIKE one of them. She takes offence at the most innocent of remarks and can turn even a complement into an insult at the drop of a hat, and is super critical of my cooking and housekeeping.
But I haven't found an answer so I'm sorry not to be able to help, I just wanted to say you're not alone. All I can suggest is that its a kind of insecurity and they can only make themselves feel better by attacking their mother who is the easiest target because she loves them unconditionally.

oh, don't write a letter, she will hold on to it forever .

She's clearly very unhappy and you are the one she offloads on... I think that I would write her a letter saying that if she wishes to talk to you about her problems then you will listen but that she has to respect your boundaries and not resort to insults. Make it clear that if she speaks to you in that way that you will hang up and block her on your phone. and do it.. that way you are allowing her to take full responsibility for her actions and showing her that you care but will not be treated in this way.. stand very firm, even if she has MH problems she will understand.. then maybe you can help her get any help she might need..

Could you write a brief and very carefully worded letter saying that she is your daughter and you love her and you are distressed that she seems to dislike you so much? Do not apologise, accept any responsibility for her behaviour or attitude, just state that if she needs any help you are there.

If she rings you and starts abusing you simply say there is no point in continuing the conversation and end the call; delete any abusive texts.
A horrible situation but perhaps her siblings will be able to discover what the problem is.

delete the texts as they come through, don't read them.. you know they will be nasty as you've just spoken on phone.

protect your mental health by not making contact , if she phones you keep it brief.

contrary to what some say, I bet she's sweetness and light to her friends and colleagues who would be appalled if they knew how she was with her own mother.

I agree with all the above replies .

Colvillefly, I just wouldn't put up with it - whatever her problem or challenge may be. You've done your job, brought her up, and now she's an adult.

If she can't treat you with respect, you are free to stop communication. Any messages can go through her siblings. Leave her to sort out her difficulties - they're not yours.

But dont ask her directly.
Ask siblings etc. But dont let your daughter know you are asking.

I agree with answers on here.

I would start to try and work out why she has changed, if she wasnt like this previously.

1 agree with coolgran65

Colvillefly I feel for you, as I have experienced similar treatment. I am not a psychologist but I think it sounds like a personality disorder. Getting her to acknowledge she has a problem and getting her the help she needs will probably be difficult. I have made some small progress here but there is still a way to go. Please take care of yourself. Above all do not accept abuse. Do not try to reason with her. Simply withdraw and greet the onslaught with silence. It is not a valid judgement of you, only a symptom of her condition. Please seek out the best advice and support around you. I wish you all the best.