Rude grandson

Sounds like my step grandson I wouldn’t think anything of it I’d just buy them what you can afford if they don’t like it tough it’s the thought not the present. And I went through the similar thing with both my sons I just put it down to age and he will soon pass it. If he is a spoil brat he’s about to get a shock when he leaves school and enters working world. As they get older the gifts get less anyway

Sounds as if he is in his own world! Social norms not the same for everyone. Why not suggest an outing for his birthday - you and him....nothing fancy just getting to know him more and chatting? Cinema? Coffee? Walk?.....

Why not just pop up to his room and say hello and ask him about the game he’s playing.
He’s a teenager they tend to give adults a wide berth!
In any event we can’t change others only our approach to them.
Give him the present. Don’t get into meanness of spirit over this.

I’m just wondering what your grandchildren give YOU for your birthday.

I agree with such a lot said previously, but ultimately want to add not to take his actions personally.

You say he has always been like this - this may be his character (please don't jump to autism/suchlike - my daughter is desperately shy/lacking in self confidence and where my son is very confident in adult company can often come across awkward and rude - even with family).

Teenagers and hormones - can often make attitudes seem so much more brazen/exaggerated and oftentimes this is just a phase.

Please don't treat this grandson differently to your other grandchildren. Shower him with as much love as he can take and or step back and give him the space he needs. Hopefully, eventually, as he matures, he will learn to reciprocate your affections, at least in his own way.

Please tell you family about your financial situation. Gifts are not about money they are given with love. Time is far more important - even if children/family don't understand that now! Perhaps agree a smaller sum (I know that nan's like to buy gifts - but kids really do just like a crisp note in an envelope whatever the size) and maybe a family meal together?

Overall, please don't take this as a slight on you or your family. Everyone is I'm sure doing the best they can. Kids have characters and quirks and maybe this is just his, or maybe there is an underlying problem, but I say if you can't tackle it from a place of love then leave it to the parents!

From what you say this boy has never been taught any manners, or else his parents gave up the attempt when they found it unproductive.

I assume he is the elder of their two children and they realised their mistake in time with his little sister.

Honestly, there is no way of changing a 15 year old - most of us were slightly rude at that age, and as this boy has always been like this, it is far too late to do anything about it, within the family.

Also you quite rightly say that you do not wish to alienate his parents, which will be the result, as like as not, if you mention his lack of manners to them.

They too seem lacking in empathy if they expect expensive presents or allow their children to do so, when they know or should do, that your income is less than theirs.

I suggest you mention either to your son, daughter-in-law and both children when the family is gathered together, or failing that to the two adults, or whichever you feel most comfortable saying it to "I'm sorry to say, that due to the rising cost of utilities, food etc. I shall have to stop giving the usual kind of presents, so there will only be small token gifts from me until things get easier again."

Alternatively, you could simply say that due to the present inflation and price of basic commodities you are unable to give any presents from now on, and naturally don't expect any either.

Don't mention his lack of manners at all in this connection, and don't let yourself be drawn into a discussion of present-giving. Deliver it as a statement of financial fact, then change the subject.

If the family attempt to discuss this, say that it was not meant as a discussion, you have review your present income and outgoings and this is what sadly is necessary.

To be fair you will have to say the same to your other grandchildren and their parents.

I would not give t oken gifts at all - my mother did so in her latter years, and I honestly would have preferred her not to, as we received completely useless things that had cost her money, even although very moderate amounts.

Not his fault.
when he has to stand on his own 2 feet he will learn
Love him just the same x

I'd put money on an autism diagnosis too. He's managing his day in the best way he knows how. It can take a huge effort to 'be nice' when you're on the spectrum. Maybe he's saving his energy to be able to live compatible with his immediate family and doesn't have any spare. Rather than feel embarrassed by saying the wrong thing, he copes by hiding away, but even that is wrong, so he can't win.😥

Lathyrus

How long has he been like this? Always? Or just a couple of years or so?

Regardless of that question I wouldn’t ever give expensive presents because they are expected. Just give the amount I am comfortable giving. But I wouldn’t discriminate between grandchildren either.

She literally said he has been like this since he was a toddler!

Surely some responsibility must lie with the parents here. He should have been taught good manners from an early age. It’s a bit late now but it might be worth trying to have a conversation directly with him to see what he would like for his birthday. Perhaps treating him as a separate human being, more objectively, on a more equal level, might produce a better result. He may then begin to learn about mutual respect.

I’m going to be controversial here ! I have four children, 2 girls, 2 boys, I’m sorry but rudeness is never acceptable especially to a much loved older family member ! Would always have made my teenage children stop what they’re doing when we had guests to come into our family living room and spend time, even if just 5 minutes to say hi etc, likewise I’d call them in to say goodbye, again even if only for 5 minutes. All of them were made to write thank you letters and when in teens we settled for a phone call or even a text, but something to acknowledge the gift. I’d also spend exactly the same on each grandchild if this was me (we only have one grandchild so far so not an issue for us!)

Autism isn’t an excuse but bad manners, my adult daughter is ASD and can manage a hello, goodbye and thank you ! If he’s not high functioning I’m pretty sure grandparents would be more than aware and wouldn’t consider this bad manners. We need to be careful not to excuse people just in case they might be Autistic.

Doodle this lad is 15. Time to learn some basic manners. His parents should have noticed his attitude to his Gran. Just a greeting isn't asking much.

Pip people come in all shapes and sizes some are talkers some are more silent, because he doesn’t fit into your mould of happiness doesn’t mean he is unhappy

Presumably his parents are good parents (you ve not said anything to the contrary) so wouldn’t they in nearly 16 years have spoken about their concerns or better still wouldn’t they have done something about it ?

Why now ? If he’s always been like it why have you only now started to consider he’s ‘unhappy’
You say he’s nearly 16 and been like it from a toddler have you NEVER thought about it before, never broached it with his parents before?

My biggest problem with your post is that you compare him to his sister and cousins
Talk to his parents if you are really worried

Pip there are a lot of posters on this thread who, like me, think your DGS might be autistic. If he’s not, then he could be just a grumpy teenager or a moody person. BUT if there is a chance, however slight, he could be autistic, then he needs your love even more. It is really hard being the parents of an autistic child but even harder for the child themselves. Please have patience and treat him like the others with warmth and caring.
Aveline you say that you have worked with autistic adults but autistic children aren’t necessarily equipped with the same level of understanding as an adult that they need to learn ‘appropriate neurotypical skills’ to get on in life. That’s often something that comes with age and growing up.

One year I just announced that I would not be doing christmas that year or any coming year. No gifts, cards, decorations etc. I did not expect anything in return. A few family members tried to guilt me by buying me various bits of tat. I just thanked them and reminded them that I no longer did presents. Now I have them all trained. Saves a lot of hassle.

Time to make a unilateral announcement that you will be imposing a £XX limit on gifts in the future, then stick to it.

Exactly what VS said

He might very well be happy, his might just be different

Introverted people are often happy that way

Thanks everyone. Yes, he’s always been like this - even as a toddler. He’s bright but uncommunicative. I love all my grandchildren equally but am simply worried more about this DGS as he seems more isolated than his sister and cousins. I want him to be happy.

I agree Luckygirl which is why I said it's not necessarily autism. People can be too quick to pathologise behaviour which can be accounted for by other reasons. The most difficult people we found to deal with were those who we didn't diagnose as autistic. They were so keen to find a neat explanation for a whole variety of behaviours that they were often angry with us.

I am always wary of "labelling" young people with some pathology when they do not conform to how we might like them to behave.

Aveline

That sounds like America? Also, a long time ago?

Yes, America. I suppose "a long time ago" is subjective. There has a been a huge shift in the past 10 years, but those who present as predominantly inattentive are still far less likely to receive timely identification and diagnosis. My husband is a special educator who manages services in one of the largest school districts in the US. I can't speak for the UK, but they've really only seen a surge in identification and diagnosis since lockdown.

Teenage boys can be like this. They have a lot to adapt to. They often feel embarrassed and this makes them monosyllabic.

He is not knocking old ladies over the head and robbing them, he is not presumably taking drugs or exploiting and abusing girls. It could be worse!

He is not obliged to be communicative - these skills will come when he feels more confident in himself.

When I go and see my teenage GC I do not really expect anything of them - here is this old lady wandering into their lives and I do not think I have the right to demand anything of them. I give them a hug and a smile when I arrive if they are around; I take an interest in their lives if they venture out of their bedrooms; I give them presents for birthdays etc. and make sure they are sent with love.

I honestly feel rather sorry for teenage boys now. They are in a world where men seem to be suspect; they are living in a new body that now seems to have a mind of its own (especially some bits!); they are navigating the need to be macho whilst also caring; they are confronted with porn and other aberrations that they do not know how to deal with.

Some of mine are surfacing now - the 20 year old has become a real joy. You would not have expected that 5 years ago!

They need lots of love.

That sounds like America? Also, a long time ago?

Aveline

'Private schools not very good at picking up on things like that'!! Really?? Completely disagree. There are more staff and fewer pupils in private schools so they are highly likely to notice 'things like that'.
Sorry. Couldn't let that daft generalisation go.

I agree it's a generalization. But all of my private schools missed my ADD. I finally had a wonderful professor at my (public) graduate school who suspected something was off and suggested I go for an evaluation. Took me until I was 30 to get a proper diagnosis, despite attending top schools and being surrounded by a family of educators. I'm not saying that is necessarily the explanation here, but ND awareness was far lower even 15 years go.

Aveline

'Private schools not very good at picking up on things like that'!! Really?? Completely disagree. There are more staff and fewer pupils in private schools so they are highly likely to notice 'things like that'.
Sorry. Couldn't let that daft generalisation go.

OK. “Some” private schools.