Rude grandson

Yes it was a generalisation BlueBelle. But it was based on having working in autism diagnosis for 30+ years. It always appeared to me that the teachers had the time to become really familiar with each child in their class and that liaison with families was much easier.
My GDS's school staff couldn't have been quicker off the mark or more helpful.

But yours is a bit of a generalisation too Avaline there are good and bad in both kinds of schools and some are better than others at noticing things.
My granddaughter went to a very good school but they would not pay for her to be tested for dyslexia because they said she was in the top group for all lessons and was not struggling but that was because she had to work (twice as hard as everyone else) we paid for her assessment, quite a few hundred pounds and she was 98% dyslexic.
Your grandson may just be a loner and not able to do small talk, he may have some neurodiversity, he may be very shy or not get on comfortably with adults as he’s always been like it If you said he recently got like it I would say it was hormones and teenage behaviour but it’s not is it ?

I m very uncomfortable with comparing him to his sister and cousins and maybe he’s picked up on the fact you say Of all my grandchildren he is the one I really don’t know or understand and I don’t like the person he’s becoming (but he’s always been like it) be very careful he will totally pick up on this

'Private schools not very good at picking up on things like that'!! Really?? Completely disagree. There are more staff and fewer pupils in private schools so they are highly likely to notice 'things like that'.
Sorry. Couldn't let that daft generalisation go.

The OP states that expensive gifts are expected, but expected by whom, the son, the DIL, the grandson, or all three? If the OP finds it financially difficult then surely the time has come for a serious chat with all the family. My own AC and GC would far sooner I was open and honest about such matter rather than struggle to provide expensive fancy gifts that in the case of the OP GS are clearly not appreciated.

Perhaps the GS feels neglected of his grandparents time in the past and doesn't accept the expensive gifts as a way of recompense which might explain his continuing distance.

aggie

He is a teenager

I was about to say the same. Or ADHD/ADD. Really, any degree of neurodiversity can make it difficult for someone to fully grasp social cues (particularly children and teens). We often come off as rude or distracted and the best intended interventions make little difference unless the authority figure is well-versed in working with ND children. I wasn't diagnosed with ADD until adulthood and my goodness how everything made more sense after that.

Regarding expectations, no one gets to set expectations for the gifts you give. If your adult son has these expectations, it sounds as though HE is the rude one.

Since you say he has been like this since he was small I would hazard a guess he is on the autistic spectrum. You say he is at a private school and private schools

are not always very good at picking up on things like this even though they are well paid for educating him.

His parents may be so busy that they haven’t really noticed his behaviour lately. I would have a chat with them because getting a diagnosis now is better than waiting until he is in his 20s or 30s. They sound well off so they could get him assessed really quickly privately.

Irrespective of diagnosis or not. It's time he learned some basic social skills. Greeting his Gran is one. How does he manage with other visitors? With people his own age? With teachers? He'll have to develop these skills if he expects to get on with others in life. His parents may just be used to him as he is.

Aveline

Too easy to jump to autism. There are all sorts of other explanations for this behaviour. Apart from anything else in my work with autistic adults they were often aware that autism isn't an excuse. Sometimes it's necessary to learn appropriate neurotypical skills as a necessary way to get on in life. I should say that it was an autistic individual that told me that!

Does that not assume that the person has a diagnosis and therefore knows that they are on the spectrum!
I agree with others that this young man may be on the spectrum. My 13yr DGS wont say hello to anyone without prompting and even then mumbles with no eye contact, he has Autism and is highly anxious, he probably wouldn't say thanks for a gift either due to the same anxiety. It is not rudeness or lack of care but only his crippling social anxiety. He is apparently the same at school.
The main issue I would hone in on is the expectation of expensive gifts! You need to have a frank discussion with your son and remind him that not everyone is wealthy!

The border between any syndrome and normality is long and grey. I am not suggesting this boy is autistic, but he could easily be in the normal end of the grey scale., which is where, I think my daughter is.

It will do no one any harm to quietly engineer one -on-one time with him and see if this improves the relationship.

that's just how he is.
sounds a bit self-important to be offended by it.
he's just minding his own business, not doing anything to harm you.
not wanting to interact particularly is not rude.

Aveline, I so agree with you:
sometimes it's necessary to learn appropriate neurotypical skills as a necessary way to get on in life.
Autism should not be used as an excuse for poor behaviour and simple social skills can be learned and used because they frequently do not come naturally.

If this boy has always been like this it sounds as though the parents aren't bothered about his lack of social skills, which they could have instilled from an early age, particularly with a close and familiar, family member. The fact that autism hasn't been mentioned sounds as though he does not have, and may not require a diagnosis; he is simply ill-mannered.

Make a point of greeting him when you arrive and say goodbye to him, and try to exchange a few words; if he pointedly ignores you then consider whether or not you wish to give him a present (personally I would continue until he is an eighteen, then stop and tell him why.)
The fact that his parents let it be known an expensive present is required sounds rather yobbish behaviour.

Many people have social anxiety and many are introverts - no need to be in a rush to give diagnosis of Autism. Everyone is different.

If he has been like this from infancy, then, as said above he could have autistic tendencies. Try to arrange one-to-one time with him. When you next visit, walk down to the shops and buy him an ice cream and walk back, or something similar, just the two of you and chat as you go.

I have recently come to the conclusion that DD, while not 'on the spectrum' is nudging close, and her main problem is that she finds spending a lot of time with quite small groups of people very stressful and is very happy in her own company, but get her on her own and she is fine. This may apply to your DGS as well.

I think you need a deep meaningful conversion with him. Tell him how you feel and see if he is happy to change his ways. Sometimes kids don't realise this stuff, so you have to poke them for them to understand. There's a good chance he'll come round then. Youcould also get his parents to have a word too.

I agree with others on here, you may not understand your grandson but he still needs you in his life. Don't give up on him just try quietly to get closer to him. Have you talked to his parents about this, it doesn't seem to be an upbringing problem as you say his sister is fine.
Certainly talk to your family about their expectations of gifts. Explain you can no longer afford these luxuries and in future gifts for everyone will be less expensive. Don't single your grandson out for this.

Its probably partly that he is just being a teenager but could he also suffer from shyness?

I always found it difficult to join in conversations if all my family were there but would talk one to one with them.

I think some teens can be less than polite, phase and all.

GS attitude likely made worse by his always more difficult nature.

I'd seek him out, greet him warmly and leave him be. Upon leaving I'd say 'goodbye, have a wonderful week, love you.' Side hug (I believe teens dislike being squashed by over endowed breasts)

We give ALL GC the same gifts - same value/price/amount. I'd never discriminate, lower the amount for all - not just lower for GS.

Yabu on him being more social and polite when he always has been like this with you

Does he behave like this with everybody, do you know?

He also may not want to visit you

Yanbu on expensive presents - provide the token you do for the rest

Now a word of caution on some assumptions- having a private education and expensive home does not equate to "good manners"

Also, comparing cousins with each other is a horrible practice that will pit them against each other

He isn't actively being rude to you, he just doesn't talk to you

There could be many reasons for this and a lot of them wouldn't be his fault

Why don't you try communicating with him and ask him why you aren't close

Or just love him as he is in the understanding that, everyone is different

At that age they have raging hormones. This would partly excuse his behaviour but you say he has always been like this. He probably can't help himself and it is no reflection on you. I would just be kind and try to be chatty even if you don't get much response. Try to find out what his interests are and talk about them. Because of my GS's interest in football I have learned a lot about the game and it gives us something to talk about. Don't give up on him. It may be a phase that he will grow out of. He could just be quiet and withdrawn by nature. Some people are.

I wondered the same thing Madgran.

It is ultimately up to his parents Pip and I agree that you should carry on as normal with gifts, that you can afford, say hello when you arrive and goodbye when you leave and don't worry about what does or doesn't happen in between.

(and just to add - I'm autistic too. Yes, I've acquired social skills, but they haven't come naturally.)

Pip, there seem to be two different matters here. First, you find your grandson rude and distant. I'd speak to your son about it, then maybe he can remind him to, at least, say hello and goodbye.

I wouldn't dislike your grandson for it, though. He may have a very different personality. I have a grandson with autism. He finds it difficult (sometimes impossible) to behave like the others - despite his great efforts and, of course, they find it very easy to be polite and chatty - at least during visits.

Second, there's the question of expensive gifts - a different matter. Another chat with your son, just to say that you can't afford too much, so will be giving smaller gifts in future.

Please don't be cruel (and unfair) to your grandson by suddenly giving a small, token present. Why punish him for something that may well be not his fault?

Too easy to jump to autism. There are all sorts of other explanations for this behaviour. Apart from anything else in my work with autistic adults they were often aware that autism isn't an excuse. Sometimes it's necessary to learn appropriate neurotypical skills as a necessary way to get on in life. I should say that it was an autistic individual that told me that!

Another one here whose first reaction was some element of autism.