Confused and sensitive

I lost my parents in my early 30s. We were close and my parents were good, salt of the earth folk. And I still spent a good amount of time with them after I married and moved out of their home. But only after I lost them did I realise that perhaps I could have taken more interest in their daily lives. And learned more about their early lives before I came along. I think when we are young we can sometimes be unintentionally thoughtless and even selfish. We get too caught up in our own lives. Hopefully as she gets older she will begin to appreciate you more. As long as you can keep on good terms with your daughter and are seeing your GC I think you need to bite your tongue, no matter how hard, to keep the peace. But only you can really decide if you need to confront the problems with her.

Perfect example of some young folk thinking they have a very busy life. How much time goes on phone use, traipsing about to entertain a 2 year old, never mind the expense. Yep, they have such a hard life.

I didn't tell my DIL, and thought when she saw the photo she would be pleased with it

This part was the wrong thing to do, As32, in fact I'm quite shocked that you took your DGS, all dressed up, for a studio portrait without your DIL knowing!

Perhaps apologise and say to her that you did this because you love DGS, you're going to miss them all when they move and thought that you could look at his photo whenever you miss him.

I personally dislike posed studio photos and much prefer more casual ones. It would be more than my life’s worth to do something like that against DIL’s wishes. I wouldn’t want to do something she disapproved of anyway because I know how it irritated me when my MIL did similar.

Please can you help put things in perspective and offer your thoughts, I feel rebuffed and hurt
My DDiL does not like proffesional photographs prefering snaps of my DGS using her phone, I have no quality photos of him, they all are either too bright/dark/turning away etc
My DS agrees with me, I asked him if I could take DGS for a photo at a studio, he said that was agood idea, they are moving away shortly and I would like a nice portrait while he is still a toddler
I didn't tell my DIL, and thought when she saw the photo she would be pleased with it
She found out, and very firmly told me she did not want him being dressed up for a photo, and I could do other things with him
My DS feels she was being harsh, but did not want to argue with my DiL
I feel very hurt, I have a good relationship with them all, and feel things are now strained,
I've not spoken to DiL as think it best not to try change her mind and possibly cause a rift

Firstly I don't think that not answering the phone, at least to unplanned know it's going to be a chitchat call, is generational. I'm 71 and dislike unplanned social calls immensely. Secondly, photos can be deceptive, giving the impression that the OP's life us one long party when in fact it isn't.
Our immediate family all use WhatsApp and in the several groups we all send pics to keep others up to date with lives. It only takes a second to reply with an emoji!
I do fully appreciate that the OP feels sensitive and she feels what she feels but it doesn't hurt to try and see the other person's point of view.

I call all three of my kids nice a week, usually on a Sunday at a time I think they’re likely to be at home. I video call on FaceTime or Messenger where possible, phone if not. I follow all of them on Facebook and Instagram (and they follow me). Occasionally I’ll email them something I think they might find interesting or text if it’s something important. I think predictability helps to keep communication manageable.

My son sends me photos of the grandchildren all time, and calls me on FaceTime so I can talk to them. They seem to do lots of interesting things, but I remember my kids used to get very hyped up and have fights if we stayed in the house all day in the school holidays or at weekends. I think he sends me photos so I feel involved (their other granny lives just found the corner from them). So I think it may be a generational difference - this is how they keep in touch with friends! TBH, I love seeing photos of them, I find my DGCs quite adorable!

Labadi0747

I don’t think you’re getting a lot of sympathy here !
I don’t think you are being over sensitive.If you feel this then you feel this.
Why does it always have to be the way of the youth of today .No consideration of how people used to relate .
It isn’t rocket science .

Well said!

I agree with the Poster actually. Yes, times have changed, seems lack of manners is higher up the scale too! My mum has 8 grandchildren and she only sees 1 regularly and that's because she brings the sprog here to see great-great mama! WhatsApp is On ALL their latest smartphones but she hardly ever hears from the others. Shame really!

I agree, Hithere! (Thu 17-Aug-23 13:12:31)

Not all mothers feel guilty for not staying home with him
Some mothers prefer to work

So, some mothers do like doing fun activities with their kids when they don't work - it is not overcompensating, it is enjoying life and having fun with your child

Mothers have also to do the routine and boring things with their kids, what's the harm with a little fun?

If she works, and he goes to the Nursery - she’s probably feeling guilty for not being a full time Mum. hence possibly over compensating by taking him out to have fun when she is there - any young child is hard work - even taking them out for ‘fun’ can be exhausting. Father doesn’t seem to be in the picture much from what you are saying, and her asking why you don’t enquire after them, could be a subtle way of saying she is having some troubles mainly coping on her own?? Right or wrong, she IS keeping in touch regularly with you, and many don’t even have that . The fact that her Grandfather is 90 doesn’t mean she has to keep in touch just because he’s elderly - my Ex is 87, and his own sons don’t like him much, but try to keep in touch, and send pics of the grandchildren etc (the one son lives in Japan) despite the fact that EVERYTHING they do is ‘wrong’…he is the most self-centred bully I’ve ever met. His current wife does all the work for him making phone calls, and making all the appointments etc, etc, nothing to do with him being unable to - he isn’t just won’t. She sends texts, etc, he will only occasionally speak on the phone.
He complains they don’t ask after him and his health constantly, but rarely asks after theirs.
I agree with those who say just get on with your own life, reply briefly to pics, etc, when they come through and do ask how your daughter is - she might be struggling??? The ‘life is one long party’ may well NOT be accurate

Sheian62

I could write a lot more, but some people on here are unbelievable in their opinions, being very judgemental when they don’t know half of it. I suppose I shouldn’t use the forum for advice because it’s impossible to explain in detail what has been going on for 30+ years and people are pulling my words apart in the belief that they have sussed out the truth. My last words in this are you don’t know me, or my life or the truth at all and I regret visiting the forum to expect sympathy. How silly of me. I suppose I am a fool, but thanks to those who have given me some support. I appreciate it

But you said "help me to see where I'm going wrong ..." That's what most of the posters have done, as well as advising you how to move forward. Yes, we don't know "half of it" and, understandably, you haven't share the other half, but we can only comment on what is actually shared. You're not "a fool" but you are expecting a bit much from us. I can't see anything wrong in any of the posts, especially as you actually asked for "help!" My advice, unless there really are other reasons for what you see as less than ideal communication is to accept it for what it is. You DO have contact; it's just not the contact that you would like as often as you would like. You are lucky. Be glad. Some of us (not me) don't even have that. xx

O.M.G....it's an epidemic...(eyeroll disease)

Just be glad she's happy with her child and be thankful that at least she sends you photographs.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect your daughter to phone you occasionally or accept your calls from time to time.
Texts messages are so impersonal.
As for her comments on her 90 year old grandfather it's disgusting.

Good post VioletSky (Weds 11:58)

Oh my goodness, I could have written this!
The difference being, my Daughter has now blocked my number. Not because I was 'bombarding' her, she has many issues with me. So now I don't get any photos or videos of my GS, and it's so, so painful. I know exactly where you're coming from wanting to keep contact. I have a DH, family, friends and work. But feel so lonely without my DD. I sat on the bed and cried yesterday when I tried on an outfit & wanted her opinion. I could have asked a host of others but she was the only one I wanted as she would have been truthful.
I don't think your GS is being spoilt, mine gets his parents undivided attention when they're not working and gets taken out. That's just as it should be. I'd advise not to pass negative opinion. I've learnt that the very hard way. Maybe your DD keeps you at arms length because she is wary of getting too close and it going wrong. It's so hard. So hard. I don't know what the answer is 🙁

Why doesn’t she ask you to go along on one of the many days out she takes her child?

I wonder if your "quiet belief" that your GS is spoiled is not as quiet as you think it is?

I agree. Just stop being so available and replying quickly

Your daughter is engaging with her son; you think he is spoiled.
Your daughter sent you texts responding to yours over a week (which you say is only a couple of times a week; you think it was a deliberate attempt to overload you with information.
Your daughter seeks time with you when her husband isn't around; you see this as filling a space rather than taking the opportunity.
Your daughter want to meet you where your grandchild doesn't get bored; you see this as a negative thing rather than a way where she can give you attention rather than dealing with a fractious child.
I find it difficult to believe your daughter doesn't sense your frustration and negativity with her especially if there have been troubles between you which have been going on for the last 30 years.
It sounds to me from what you have said that some of your thinking needs to be reframed in a more positive light. Be proud your daughter is engaging so well with her child and is thoughtful about him. Pat yourself on the back too because you brought up this lovely mother. Enjoy the time she can spend with you because she can find the time even if it isn't in the place of your choosing. If she has a wide circle of friends, she could choose them not you.
Ask her how she and her family are when you text. It costs nothing and you may find she responds in kind.
Maybe get some insight from a Counsellor about how your thoughts you think you keep to yourself actually colour your interactions with people. We are often more transparent than we realise.
You visited this forum and expected sympathy...have you been visiting another GN Forum we know nothing about?! You will always be shocked by some of the answers you get. After a while you recognise the names of people who always harsh or blunt. You will get a handle on who thinks young people should act as they want and those who take on board young adults are living their lives.

Families vary so much, operating under different dynamics and expectations. That’s why it is always tricky to ask advice on a site such as this, where indeed we can’t know the whole story.

Most posters I think genuinely try to help and support, based on their own experience, but it’s a pity you didn’t find what you were looking for, perhaps it would be more helpful to talk to someone you trust.

As the others have said - just back off .

You can't force more calls and texts from your daughter .

My children used to visit my father and me regularly .
It was lovely .
I felt supported .

Then slowly ,
the visits , calls and texts became less frequent .

I've been told that they want to have fun with their children on high days and holidays .

There's nothing that I can do about it .

Was concerned with the way the OP bandied around her suspect that daughter was bi-polar. This is a very horrible illness and anyone who has ha to live with someone whohas this will know that it is far,far more than being good at time and horrible at other times.

Most of us are like that little girl with a curl in the middle of her forehead, normal hman conditions.

I do wish people would not try to medicalise normal human behaviours.

Anyone has had to try to cope with someone suffering -from bi-polar on one of their 'highs'. more manic periods, (let alone trying to protct them during a down time), would not use this term to describe anyone so lightly.