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Confused and sensitive

(86 Posts)
Sheian62 Wed 16-Aug-23 10:11:34

AIBU - I can never get my daughter to answer her phone, she is always busy with her 2 year old. She constantly sends photos and videos of our grandson and in entertaining him with theme parks and many treats, her life is one long party. I always thank her or send positive texts about his latest adventures, whilst quietly believing he is thoroughly spoiled. I therefore send her texts regarding what is going on in our life, as it’s difficult to communicate by phone. She has just messaged me to say “we are all fine, thanks for asking!” with rolling eyes emoji and accused me of bombarding her with texts like she “is a living journal”. She then proceeded to answer the texts that I have sent over nearly a week and sent lots of texts journaling her life to deliberately overload with numerous texts. Her husband goes away with his friends a lot and when she has times where it’s just herself and our grandson, seeks our company to fill the space but wants to meet somewhere not her house or ours, as GS will get bored!! Both my husband and myself have medical issues which she doesn’t enquire about and her elderly grandfather (90) has just been in hospital but she hasn’t bothered to phone him, saying he never contacts her and hasn’t sent our grandson or her birthday cards etc so why should she contact him?!!!! I am weary of the behaviour and at a loss what to do. I don’t want to fall out. She does intimidate me and we have fallen out in the past. I believe she may have bipolar (when she is good, she is very very good, when she is bad, she is horrid). Please help me see where I am going wrong. It’s affecting my MH and I fear I am being too sensitive.

Grandmabatty Wed 16-Aug-23 10:24:10

Your daughter does contact you by sending you photos. Would you rather she didn't? She's actively taking her child out and about and having fun with him. She also sends lots of texts. This is the way (younger) people mainly communicate these days. I think you are being over sensitive. I have medical issues and get on with my life. I don't expect my dd to ask about them.

Lathyrus Wed 16-Aug-23 10:37:29

When she says you bombard her with texts, how often do you text her? Once a day would be plenty if you feel the need for daily contact.
How often does she send photos etc. Would you prefer that to be less often?

Frankly nobody wants conversations about medical stuff unless it’s to talk about their own!

I don’t know anyone under 60 who has conversations on the phone anymore.

Do you think you might be a bit too dependent on contact with her instead of an interesting life of your own.

Sheian62 Wed 16-Aug-23 10:48:24

My point is, she has accused me of not asking how they are, but she doesn’t ever ask how we are. Of course I love to receive videos and photos. I only text every few days generally. I recently sent her photos of a flower arrangement I made for our ruby wedding anniversary for display in church as we are having a blessing on Sunday. She hasn’t acknowledged the milestone. Perhaps I should just say nothing in future and just make my texts response to hers and give little of my life away

biglouis Wed 16-Aug-23 10:57:05

I think you need to step back a bit from this relationship. Just reply when she texts you. Younger generations dont communicate in the same way as we "oldies".

Ive had people (younger relatives) who tend to pester a bit and ask me why I didnt respond to their urgent message. Dont you ever check your phone? Yes, I check it a couple of times a week. Lots of eye rolling. I check it every day but dont necessarily want them to know that.

Foxygloves Wed 16-Aug-23 11:07:32

When mine were tiny I often got to the end of the day and found I hadn’t even had time to go to the loo!
Mobile phones can be a curse, one is not necessarily available just because one could be. As you say, she is busy wth her 2 year-old whom you describe as spoiled.
Are you sure you are not jealous?
Not wishing to sound unsympathetic, you may be lonely with time on your hands.
I’d back off, text or message less frequently and fill your own life with your own activities .

Smileless2012 Wed 16-Aug-23 11:18:48

I'd text less often and always begin with a 'how are you and .... (GS) followed by something about what I've been up too. You're not doing anything wrong and TBH neither is your D but it might help you to lower your expectations.

Theexwife Wed 16-Aug-23 11:21:56

Try to be pleased that she has happy fun times with her child and her life is one long party.

Nobody really wants to know about other people's medical stuff, we listen as we get older out of politeness but there is no need to know.

i would agree with her that if she doesn't really have a relationship with her grandfather why would she phone him.

Sheian62 Wed 16-Aug-23 11:24:46

Thank you for your comments and views. I am not jealous or lonely and am involved with lots of social activities in my community and active with walking with my DH. I think I will just text less going forward. Less is more

Dinahmo Wed 16-Aug-23 11:26:44

I don't understand the current need to send and receive texts all the time.

I suspect that the OP's daughter is enjoying her time with her young son and wants to share it with her mother. She is lucky to be able to do so because many young mothers go to work leaving their children in nurseries.

Sheian62 Wed 16-Aug-23 11:37:39

Dinahmo - this is exactly why she is so active with GS. He goes to nursery full time so I guess she is over compensating with treats and outings. I am happy she can afford it, genuinely. We couldn’t when our 3 were growing up. Life has changed over the years. I am learning to mind my own business. Extended family doesn’t exist now for us. Just need to focus in my own life

pascal30 Wed 16-Aug-23 11:40:50

I don't like txting except when absolutely necessary. Nothing beats a face to face conversation, so why don't you concentrate on the times when she does meet up with you and make them special for yourself.. cut down dramatically on the txts as they appear to frustrate you.. and fill your days with activities you really like, maybe even only look at the phone once a day.. we all lived quite happily without mobiles in the past

VioletSky Wed 16-Aug-23 11:58:38


You don't seem to think very highly of your daughter, and she doesn't really seem to be doing much wrong except not communicating in a way you prefer and having a life with her child you couldn't afford.

Your daughter will sense this, she grew up with you, she will sense your feelings if she hasn't directly heard your thoughts on how she parents and lives.

You have so far said you think she is spoiling her child and overcompensating for working. You can't spoil a child with time and attention and most mums need to work these days.

No one owes any family members relationships and it really is a case of, you get put what you put in. So if she isn't close to her grandfather, she just isn't

Why don't you try asking her how she is? Maybe that is what you will then get back. Maybe she is used to this type of relationship from you as you are the mother and she is the daughter. She is obviously doing things differently with her own child and maybe if you could be happy for her, it will change the dynamic between you

Smileless2012 Wed 16-Aug-23 12:03:35

Sheian as you say, less is more flowers.

Labadi0747 Wed 16-Aug-23 12:11:14

I don’t think you’re getting a lot of sympathy here !
I don’t think you are being over sensitive.If you feel this then you feel this.
Why does it always have to be the way of the youth of today .No consideration of how people used to relate .
It isn’t rocket science .

MerylStreep Wed 16-Aug-23 12:12:12

Strange to use extended family she’s your daughter, your immediate family.

grandtanteJE65 Wed 16-Aug-23 12:16:57

I think you need to accept that young mothers today do tend to let EVERYTHING depend on what they are doing with or for their child or children.

Bombarding you with photos of her son, refusing to visit in your home because the child will be bored - I have heard all of this and more from young mothers in the past ten years or so.

And yes, their children are to our mind unbearably spoiled and will have a hard time learning to live in the adult world - but hang on a second! My grandmothers said that about me!

Don't bother answering all your daughter's texts or photos about her wonderful child - send a message once a week thanking her for this last batch and give her an update on what is going on in your life.

FindingNemo15 Wed 16-Aug-23 13:14:19

I do not think you are being over sensitive. It is the way of the world not many phone calls, just text when they can be bothered.

I have had to come to terms with various things and accept it is their way or no way. I would never have treated my DM like that.

A friend once said to me about her DD - just think of yourself as a chest of drawers which her DD opened when she needed something and then kept it shut when they did not! Harsh, but true!

Hithere Wed 16-Aug-23 13:59:29

Expectations are the culprit all over again - you and your daughter are not on the same page at all

You clearly do not think highly of tour daughter and clearly disapprove of how she has organized her life

Her priority is her nuclear family and not what you think she should do - I can read your resentment

Why would she call her grandfather if he doesn't contact her at all? Team daughter

Please do not label her with a serious mental illness because she seems to get mad at you- that would create a bigger rift in the relationship

Be thankful she includes you so much in her life - one way those pictures and videos may stop

Primrose53 Wed 16-Aug-23 14:10:32

Just do a 👍 or a 🫶in reply to her texts and leave it at that.

My late Mum used to get a bit upset sometimes that her granddaughters couldn’t very often find time to come and see her with their kids despite living locally. She idolised them all and sewed lovely quilts, knitted baby clothes and toys for the grandchildren when they were small and then the great grandchildren. She did once say they only come when it’s around a birthday time and I have heard that many times from older people.

rafichagran Wed 16-Aug-23 14:25:06


When she says you bombard her with texts, how often do you text her? Once a day would be plenty if you feel the need for daily contact.
How often does she send photos etc. Would you prefer that to be less often?

Frankly nobody wants conversations about medical stuff unless it’s to talk about their own!

I don’t know anyone under 60 who has conversations on the phone anymore.

Do you think you might be a bit too dependent on contact with her instead of an interesting life of your own.

I wish that was the case that people under 60 don't call. I am in a coffee shop, man opposite possibly 30's talking loadly on the phone and laughing like a hyena.
OP I think you are right in texting her less and asking how she is. My friends Mother always says she does not call often, but as my friend says, her Mother is retired and she is busy working.

halfpint1 Wed 16-Aug-23 14:43:28

Good advice from Grandtante.
I've learnt to step back and zip up.

Patsy70 Wed 16-Aug-23 16:05:14

Some really harsh comments on here! You’re not being over sensitive Sheian. Your daughter sounds to me to be very self centred and totally obsessed with entertaining her son, above all else. Her childish comments regarding her very elderly grandfather are hurtful. The fact that she is uninterested in her parents’ well-being is very unkind. As others have suggested, just respond to her messages with a 👍 or something appropriate. I would cease to text her for a while and wait to see what her reaction is. 💐

NotSpaghetti Wed 16-Aug-23 17:54:17

Good idea Primrose do a 👍 or a 🫶in reply to her many texts if you haven't got an "acceptable type" reply to them.
..I think most of us do that.

I might sometimes say "looks great" " wow she's so fast/careful/like hed daddy" or similar. I tag messages 😍 or 💕 quite often.

All fairly normal I think.

If you can find some joy in what she's doing I think things will improve.

Praise your daughter for taking the little one out, for whatever. "You are such a good mum, you are so patient/ adventurous/fun with him..." She is doing her best and maybe would like to hear you appreciate what she's doing. I am not always excited about (for example) trips to Disneyland 🙄 - but I do try to be excited for/with them. 😬

Good luck.

M0nica Wed 16-Aug-23 18:33:40

Please help me see where I am going wrong.

Well that is where you are going wrong, - you are blaming yourself. You have as you say, a difficult daughter. As others have said, stand back, do less, get less involved. You are doing nothing wrong.

Do you have any outside interests, do you and your DH have a life together, involving the two of you doing things you enjoy.

What you need to do is ration your daughter and DGS. Limit your texting to just telling her things she needs to know. Do not bombard her for texts. When her husband is away. Invite her round to your house and make it clear going places is not on the agenda. Have some, toys, not too many inyour house for your DGS to play with, pens and paper, a few books to read, some lego. That is all that is needed. Other times you could go out, but only if you feel well enough and can afford it. If you cannot do something she wants because you and your DH are ill, then say so and ignore all her persuasions otherwise.

When your DD gets all wound up wants to have rows with you or do things she wants to do that are too much for you, walk away, quite literally turn your back and walk out. I have a daughter who used to get wound up and want rows. I simply refused to do so, I changed the subject, I made snuffling little non-noises, if all else failed I sat and let her rant without responding or I walked away. It got worse before it got better, but once she realised I wasn't going to have rows with her, she stopped trying. Now she rings me when she is upset, and uses me as a sounding board, but we do not have rows.