Confused and sensitive

@OP
If you ask AIBU you have to be prepared to hear the answer “yes”
The forum is not entitled “Please give me your support in this”

Sorry Sheian62……I missed your last post.

Sheian62

I could write a lot more, but some people on here are unbelievable in their opinions, being very judgemental when they don’t know half of it. I suppose I shouldn’t use the forum for advice because it’s impossible to explain in detail what has been going on for 30+ years and people are pulling my words apart in the belief that they have sussed out the truth. My last words in this are you don’t know me, or my life or the truth at all and I regret visiting the forum to expect sympathy. How silly of me. I suppose I am a fool, but thanks to those who have given me some support. I appreciate it

Try not to let it upset you. Some of the responses have been very unkind but it is very difficult when we don’t know all the facts. 💐

You say the children lost interest in grandparents as they grew up but you seem to only blame your daughter for this.

She may be and may always have been a difficult personality but your negativity towards her does come through very clearly in your posts.

Perhaps it would be better for both of you to keep contact to a minimum and to keep your lives as separate as possible.

Does the gf want to talk to your daughter?

If he is too frail, how about somebody dialing for him and he just talks?

You are putting the responsibility of the relationship on your daughter when the road goes ways

It is normal for adults to become interested in other things and abandon what they used to do or how they were raised

Ali08, my DD GF is my FIL. Both MIL and FIL bought gifts for our children at Christmas and birthdays, had them stay during holidays and took them out on trips, etc so yes they were interested back then but as our children grew up they lost interest in their grandparents and became more interested in their own lives. I think my DD is harsh expecting her GF to send her and GS cards and gifts when he is so frail and barely gets out. She recently sent him a gift for his birthday that didn’t receive any acknowledgement so this is the reason for her indifference now. Ordinarily I am ashamed to say that none of them phone or send him cards usually, except when I reminded them it was his 90th. However, you are right, it is shameful that when he was younger there were treats that they enjoyed and now he is old, has been discarded. It’s heartbreaking. This will bite my AC one day!

Thank you all for your good wishes for our anniversary which we are looking forward to. I have 3 AC, and 3 GC. The older GC was cared for by me Wednesday evening and all day Thursday from the age of 6 months for 4 years until school. We had lots of fun in and out of the house living just 4 miles away until they moved 100 miles away. My DD also lives 100 miles away and keeps asking us to move near them. We won’t be doing that as we are happy in our community, having lived here for 32 years and whilst we enjoy being with the family, they have their lives and we have ours now. Retirement has meant rejuvenating my own interests whilst fit enough to do them. I enjoy getting photos and videos of the activities of the GC and usually respond with what I have been doing. I think the snapping and sniping of my DD is a trait that she always has had. There are similar issues with other people in her life including her husband, some of whom she has dropped, so this is possibly why I get whiplashed as I always forgive the outbursts. There have been MH concerns so eggshell walking us commonly practiced. She has had treatment via counselling and medication but has never given us an opinion on any possible labels, and hope there are no long term diagnoses, nor would I ask but I have my own thoughts. Like some have suggested, she possibly gets involved with many activities to escape reality as her home life could be associated with arguments and unpleasantness. Her friend contacted me recently saying she was concerned and hinted at relationship issues with my DD and SIL. Things appear ok atm but I suspect the freedom my SIL has to maintain weekends and nights out with his friends is possibly his bid to escape and avoid arguments with my DD. I do not get involved nor have I been asked to, but might suggest, if asked, relationship counselling. Sorry this is such a long post, but I am trying to give more insight and background to open the wider picture

Wow, quite a lot of assumptions there about the grandfather Ali08

I could just as easily write He never sent cards or gifts when she was younger and perfectly able to and never bothered to spend any time with her at all. And now he is old and frail he wants her to pay attention to him

Both your post and mine have come out of our heads! Nothing more. We do know the grandfather doesn’t contact her and she doesn’t contact him. Seems like a mutual lack of interest to me.

It’s just another thing the OP thinks her daughter should be doing.

BTW, Sheian62

Best wishes for your Ruby anniversary. I hope you both have a marvellous day. xoxo

I'm more rattled by the fact she hasn't asked or even bothered with her grandfather!!!
I bet he sent lots of cards and gifts when your DD was younger, and when he was more able to!
I also bet there were lots of happy hours spent in each others company but now that he's old, and frail, she doesn't want to know?!
What will happen when the poor chap dies, will she scoot along rather quickly for the reading of his will?
It's good she can spend so much time with her child, but he'll be off to school in a couple of years, possibly nursery even sooner, whatever will she fill her time with then?
Why not at your house or her house? At this age the child should have plenty toys to keep them amused indoors for the odd days they can't or don't get out, what's so wrong with being indoors occasionally?
Is she embarrassed by your home, or by hers?
Could you invite both parents and GS to yours for a meal sometime?
Or get in touch with her husband yo ask if you could go to their home to see them all together, for a nice change, as it sounds like you don't get to see him, either?!
I'm still upset for her grandfather!!!

She constantly sends photos and videos of our grandson and in entertaining him with theme parks and many treats, her life is one long party. I always thank her or send positive texts about his latest adventures

And just to add:
Entertaining an energetic toddler is not exactly a walk in the --theme- park either! He's having a lovely time, of course, which is good.

Good advice Foxy.

. She constantly sends photos and videos of our grandson and in entertaining him with theme parks and many treats, her life is one long party. I always thank her or send positive texts about his latest adventures,

Oh dear. As my GC all live 1 1/2 hours minimum away from me in different directions, I cannot get enough pictures of them! I just wish sometimes (well most of the time) that I could be there in person, but seeing they are well and happy is all I can hope for.
You give so much away by your opinion that your D spoils her little boy. And stop and think - she has a job and a toddler but you feel she neglects you and your interests? She has enough on her plate .
Unlike some others I do not think you need to play mind games but just accept that you have moved down the ranking in the family . Be generous in spirit and if she does not seem to be interested in your priorities, so what? Your interests are not hers.
Back off, stay pleasant and loving but respec her space

Remember back to when many of us were 'menstrual'. Having PMT could make you very unreasonable and aggressive. That might explain your 'bi-polar' theory.
Cut her some slack. Make your house toddler friendly. Stay positive in all versions of correspondence.
Are you having a family meal to celebrate your wonderful Ruby Anniversary? Whatever you are doing, congratulations.

Mamo

Happy Ruby Anniversary, OP, and congrats to you and your DH . Of course your DD should have been interested in your celebration at church. I would have found that selfish and thoughtless.

Eh… a lot of people have strong negative feelings against attending church. I wouldn’t judge someone on attending a church celebration or not.

Happy Ruby Anniversary, OP, and congrats to you and your DH . Of course your DD should have been interested in your celebration at church. I would have found that selfish and thoughtless.

Sorry for the comment, I’m on the wrong thread

Thanks for your perspective
I won’t bring it up again with her, not worth rocking the boat over something fairly trivial.

We have two children and four grandchildren. We love them all and their respective spouses and they know they can call on us whenever they need to. However my husband and I decided many years ago that we would expect nothing from any of them so that we would never be hurt by them or "disappointed" in them. My husband has often said to me " There is you and me then the rest of the world". They are all very nice people leading busy lives so spending time with them is always a bonus. I would only advise you to focus more on your husband and less on your daughter. Be there for her when she needs you but develop your own life so that there are lots of things to keep you busy and occupied with others. Your heart is hurting right now and I really feel for you, so maybe don't leave yourself exposed enough to let your daughter hurt you. None of you will love each other any the less but mutual respect will grow when there is a bit of healthy space for you all to develop into the people you want to be. Remember, we are never the finished article.

The grandchild wouldn’t be bored if it was a child friendly place, ie, Toys there’s a novel idea 🤔

About the meeting at a park, etc: it’s MUCH easier to visit when a child is safely occupied than having to buzz around like a hummingbird on a caffeine high to keep the child safe and ensure they don’t touch anything they shouldn’t.

I’m puzzled, though. If your gc visiting at your home is so important, why haven’t you childproofed?

Hi
I don’t think You are being over sensitive …I do think that if Your Daughter is working full time that She is trying to do the best for Your Grandchild and may feel that’s She is on a roller coaster at times …There could be something else going on …Unhappy partnership etc etc .,,Things arent always as they seem …

She sounds rude and horrid. Yes younger generations communicate differently but common decency / manners cost nothing …
She should ask how you are and celebrate important milestones with you!
What’s your DS doing going off on hols with his friends if a Reg occurrence ?!
You are family and I think she is showing a general disregard for you which is appalling !

As32

Please can you help put things in perspective and offer your thoughts, I feel rebuffed and hurt
My DDiL does not like proffesional photographs prefering snaps of my DGS using her phone, I have no quality photos of him, they all are either too bright/dark/turning away etc
My DS agrees with me, I asked him if I could take DGS for a photo at a studio, he said that was agood idea, they are moving away shortly and I would like a nice portrait while he is still a toddler
I didn't tell my DIL, and thought when she saw the photo she would be pleased with it
She found out, and very firmly told me she did not want him being dressed up for a photo, and I could do other things with him
My DS feels she was being harsh, but did not want to argue with my DiL
I feel very hurt, I have a good relationship with them all, and feel things are now strained,
I've not spoken to DiL as think it best not to try change her mind and possibly cause a rift

I think "she found out" is where you went wrong. She should have been included in the discussion from the beginning. If you want a nice photo, ask someone to take one of the snaps and to edit it to make it look better. There are all sorts of things you can do in photo software these days to make photos look more professional.
I don't think I would try to change her mind until things have settled down and then perhaps discuss getting some nice photos in a less formal environment. I have seen some lovely ones where children have been in fields full of flowers or outside. The only difference between snaps and these, are a professional photographer knows about the camera setting which get the best pictures. They look much more natural.
I think the bottom line though, is that you do get photos and your relationship with your Daughter in Law is much more important than a studio shot.

I sometimes wish my DD phoned less often - she often phones when it isn't the best time for me as she live in a country with a 3 hour time difference. However I'm grateful she wants to talk to me daily. We do communicate a lot by WhatsApp too and that includes family group chats etc.

I've tried to get used to the ways my DS and DD communicate and am always grateful for the contact. I have loads of photos and videos of my GC which I may bore my friends with! I've learned that some are more interested than others so am being more selective about who I share them with now. We all have to learn to adapt to the ways of the modern world. I'm grateful for times when we get together as that is harder with living a long distance away, so having the amount of contact electronically means I feel closer despite the physical distance between us. If you are fairly local to each other try to arrange to get together somewhere where your grandson will have fun but you can have a catch up. My grandson who is nearly 3 loves going to a local playground. It needn't be an expensive day out. Sadly his local playground is 200 miles away from me!