Through no fault of our own, my sister and I were estranged from the complete paternal side of our family when we were really young.
Out of the blue, one of my aunts from that side of the family got in touch with me when I was in my thirties and I met her. I really don't know if I told my sister before I met her but it was never a secret and she certainly knew shortly after. At that meeting I found out that my sister had in fact made contact with our father and had been seeing him before the relationship fizzled out again. Whilst I was surprised she hadn't told me, I didn't think a great deal about it although I did ask her why she had kept it a secret. However, there was no angst on my part.
My aunt wanted me to meet up with our Grandmother who, at that time was in her 90's but I declined because my memories of her were not particularly good, not least because she used to beat my sister. However, after the loss of my maternal grandfather who had lived with me during his last years, my Aunt once again asked me if I could meet my Grandmother who was over a hundred. My mother had been particularly bloody over my grandad so I was feeling quite angry with the world and thought my memories might have been coloured by my mother who was always scathing about my father's side of the family if she said anything about them at all.
After I had been to see my Grandmother, I did tell my sister and, unfortunately my grandmother died a couple of weeks later. My sister and I went to her funeral as support for my Aunt. This was about 15 years ago if not more.
Recently my sister had let rip with a list of complaints about me as a person accusing me of all sorts of things and one of those things was that I had been duplicitous and tried to exclude her from the family because I had visited my grandmother without telling her. She maintains she only found out about it at the funeral although that just wasn't true because I was the one who told her about the funeral and suggested we went together. However, nothing I say about seeing my Grandmother without her will pacify her. Certainly if I had known she was going to die within a couple of weeks of my visit, I would have suggested going together but she seemed as strong as an ox especially considering her age.
Am I being unreasonable to think my sister is being unreasonable? I certainly had no reason to be hurtful to her and had I realised she would be hurt, I would have told her before my visit. However, I hadn't seen my Grandmother for over 40 years, had just lost my Grandad and was feeling very vulnerable about the visit which I wasn't sure was going to be a happy one. In the event, I did enjoy meeting her but it seems to have caused great hurt which is being thrown at me years later and not for the first time despite my apologies.
Resoned discussion is not victimisation.
Any Gnetters at the Rejoin march today in London
