Being bullied by kindness (bullying)

It sounds to me as if he has a big heart and his intention is to help, but maybe he doesn't have the ability to listen.. I would write down a couple of things that you do need doing.. give that list to him and then supervise.. and express gratitude to him when he finishes the tasks.. some people have very fixed views on the way things ie curbs, should look.. be gracious and gentle

To me, he just sounds 'over-enthusiastic'.

That said, I know I would feel as annoyed as the OP if someone was 'helping' me like that in my own garden.

He definitely needs reining in, but that is clearly a lot easier said than done.

Just sit down and talk to him.

As for narcissism , elder abuse, bullying, words fail.

mabon1

Don't be so ungrateful. Some people have sons and daughters who don't help at all. Be grateful for small mercies.

OPs worries are doubled and you advise her to be grateful. Odd reasoning.

Don't be so ungrateful. Some people have sons and daughters who don't help at all. Be grateful for small mercies.

If OP feels bullied l think she needs support not questioning her feelings. It seems very controlling to me, wearying and invasive behaviour. Tell him to sling his hook he'll be into your bank account next.

My son is a little bit similar in that he helps in his own way, not always with the same priorities as me, but I am very grateful for any help he gives. Last weekend he popped over to collect something unexpectedly, and also brought me a plated meal- enough for two meals, in fact, but it needed eating, not freezing. This rather upset my meal planning and what I had bought in for the weekend- but there’s no way I am going to turn down his kindness and help. I have bigger things to deal with.
Not sure this helps FranA though.

I with you Fran A.
Youve already said that "nothing you can say"can stop him doing it his way so I don't understand why so many are saying just talk to him when you've clearly said you have.
To me he's not helping you with what you need or want,he's deciding that for you and I know I would look upon that as more controlling than helpful.

Hetty58 as always is is difficult to understand exactly how others feel and experience things. It does sound wonderful to me to have a family who help with the things I cannot do myself but I understand your latest example may not have pleased me either although my garden if very different to how you explain yours. If that was 3 years ago and it is still ongoing, why have you not been able to sort this with your son in law and daughter, it sounds strange to me that talking with them does not get the required result. Is there more to this than you are sharing?

It is coming from a good place. Diplomacy might not be top of his skill set but he is keeping in touch and is trying to help.
Looking at it dispassionately and suggesting that you 'Don't sweat the small stuff and generally it is all small stuff'.
Love and kindness toward other people are possibly the best ways we have of showing our best versions of ourselves. People do not necessarily remember what you say but they do remember how you make them feel.

Oreo

A house near me has let the garden go wild, it looks f*****g awful.

I've given up up my little rewilding project.
It looked like a neglected mess because it takes the right conditions and a lot of hard work for it to be successful and look attractive.
Better to plant flowes, shrubs which bees and other insects love and keep the grass cut.

Win - I bet you wouldn't like it. A few years ago I was in a lot of pain with a back injury. I didn't prune back the (usually carefully manicured) shrubs that year.

Next time my eldest was staying here, he thought he'd 'help' - while I was out. He trimmed everything hard back - in a straight line - with a hedge trimmer. He walked on all the plants in front.

I could have cried and it took about three years to get them looking good again.

A house near me has let the garden go wild, it looks f*****g awful.

Hetty58 …..Elder Abuse ! Really ! I don’t think so ! He is just trying to help .

Send him to me PLEASE, he can do anything he likes to help in my house

Yes he sounds overpowering and it sounds annoying. I’d still have to stand my ground but I’d be so sweet about it.

I rather think calling it elder abuse is over the top, but I can imagine it must be frustrating. But rather that than no help at all.
Are you and your husband still able to mange the garden? If not then could you employ a gardener and redirect your sil's help to where it is needed?

Elder abuse ffs, I don't think so, just a kind misguided man who is trying to help and getting it wrong along the way.
Why are people always trying to look to be offended, there are so many posters here who would love the help.
My partner helps me, sometimes, if he suggests something I do not like. I have a tongue in my head and say why I don't want it.

My ex son in law is a diamond. If it wasn’t for him I would get far less done around my house and I wouldn’t see my grandkids… he allows me a key to his house so when I’m over that side of town I can ‘use’ any facilities at house….I return his kindness by doing a bit of washing up if the kitchen is vaguely messy. I also water his veg patch sometimes when it’s very hot! If it was left to my daughter I’d never see my grandkids …they both live within a mile of each other and two miles from me! I love the man….I’m even if my daughter doesn't. Long May you have your lovely sounding son in law.

Send him my way. My garden could do with some help!

Actually I've had some amazing help recently. A friend of my son's came to stay as he had business locally and when he saw the state of my garden he offered to stay an extra night and do some work on it. He made the back manageable by me, a miracle which only cost me a lunch and a lift to the station! Then a few weeks later he needed to come to the area again and offered to stay an extra night again and do some more work. This time he removed all the ivy from the front of the house and cleared two self seeded trees making the front manageable too! Thankfully we worked together on it, though he did the really hard work, and he did nothing without permission. I shall be eternally grateful as I'd been considering getting someone in to do it but was worried about the cost. He's probably saved me at least £1000!

He says my DS and family treat him as family so he treats me as family too. But that should still involve showing respect, so your son-in-law should be taking direction from you, and showing you respect in that way.

FranA can you discuss this with your daughter?

It's not fair that you should be worried about what your son in law might do to your garden next, and also worried about his health as well as your husband's.

What would you be doing if he hadn't volunteered? Do that.
Probably paying a gardener. Organise that and tell him it's their responsibility and to leave everything alone (as suggested earlier).

I'm pretty sure a lot of those telling you to be grateful wouldn't be so happy if it was their garden being changed with no consultation.

Have you thought he might be right about some of the things he has suggested doing? The trees may well need pruning and will benefit by it. Discuss with him how much cutting back you’ll agree to.

The bungalow next door to me has just been sold. The new owners will have a lot of work to do sorting out the garden because the previous elderly owners refused help even though they were unable to keep on top of the shrubs, trees and grass.

It’s definitely not bullying it’s called being helpful or thinking that they helping you out. It’s called being kind you know ppl used to do it before covid lol if he didn’t help you would say he’s useless poor guy can’t win maybe it wasn’t his idea your dil could have asked him to do it for you.

I do sympathise, FranA. Loving my garden, I would be so upset if someone just went ahead and did what they thought was needed, rather than consult you on exactly how you wished it to be done. It is to be considered a kindness that your son-in-law is more than willing to help you and your DH, but you really should be more assertive in telling him what jobs you’d like him to focus on. I would call his behaviour ‘controlling’ rather than ‘bullying’. How is his health not great? Sit down quietly with him and express your concerns and explain exactly what you’d like him to do. 😊

It is very kind of him to do it. Why don't you show him the bit you want left long and say "I would like this left long as I'm keeping it for insects/bees please. Thank you for doing the rest."
I've seen lots of gardens with small areas left for wilding.