Being bullied by kindness (bullying)

I do hate it when people take over and do things without being asked - or checking with me first.

Could you maybe employ a gardener, perhaps monthly, and insist it's his (or her) job?

Maybe you could tell a little white lie about being reported and warned for cutting the verge?

(and yes, it is bullying - and downright rude too)

H come on, it isn't bullying. Bullying is doing something with intent to hurt, and doing it repeatedly.
Surely you can sit with him and give him some jobs that are necessary and helpful so he knows he is being helpful?

Heavens! The poor bloke is only trying to help. Would you prefer he completely ignored the fact your DH can no longer do as much? Of course it’s not bullying.

He’s family so all you need to do is kindly but firmly let him know where you need help and where you don’t.

My son in law does loads for me and I count my blessings.

You have a strange idea of bullying Hithere
He might be behaving like a bull in a china shop by not asking what you want but he thinks he’s helping so his intentions are good You just have to be clearer about what you DONT want doing and praising about the jobs that he’s really being helpful with

Bullying?!
It’s called helping out and it’s what families do.

Hithere isn't on this thread

That must be so frustrating FranA and I think you need to tell him how you feel.

I agree it is a type of bullying because it is controlling... people offering help should give the help that is needed not the help they have decided for you

Stick up for yourself and tell him you appreciate his hard work but you would prefer things done differently..

Stick up for yourself and tell him you appreciate his hard work but you would prefer things done differently

And don’t be surprised if future offers of help are withdrawn.

Could you have a (gentle) word with your daughter, and ask her to break it to him? It's very nice of him, but it would get on my nerves, too.

I am with FranA. It is killing by kindness and making her feel difficult and uncomfortable.

We hear a lot about older people being given autonomy and leading the lives they want to live, not the ones other people think they ought to live and this is a classic case of just that.

Not only that this SiL is running roughshod over the OP in insisting that not only will he help her, whether she wants it or not. He will help her in his way, even though it is not what she wants.

If she speaks to him, yes he may not help at all in future, but why should the OP have to have to accept unwanted and unhelpful assistance now, just because she might need his help in the future.

I am all with FranA on this.

Wish I had a son-in-law like yours - how is an act of kindness be called ‘bullying’ ?

FranA, You say perhaps there are more examples.

Could you give us a few more?

We never ask fir help apart from
Cutting one bit of hedge once a year.
After 4 or 5 reminders through the past couple of summers we have given up. Would that he were willing.
Have s quiet word with him
but I wish we had willing help especially now we are both getting older,

easybee:

'H come on, it isn't bullying. Bullying is doing something with intent to hurt, and doing it repeatedly.'

No, bullying is doing anything that makes a person feel bullied, intentional or not.

FranA says:

'Nothing I say can stop him doing it his way' - and yet several replies suggest that she talks to him.

Oreo

Bullying?!
It’s called helping out and it’s what families do.

👏👏👏

Just talk to him!
The grass left for wilding and attracting insects has to be cut at least once a year, anyway, after the flowers have seeded.

It's cut then left until spring when you can ask him not to cut it again as it's a wild patch.

Otherwise just pay someone.

'Helping out' is offering to help, asking exactly what to do - and checking, often, that you're doing it right.

Bullying involves a power imbalance, the stronger one ignoring or excluding the weaker victim, ruling the roost, imposing their ways - so creating a feeling of helplessness and vulnerability.

well for goodness sake have a chat to him! where's your daughter.

so many estrangements on here I am shocked that you say you feel bullied by someone doing a good turn!

lemsip

well for goodness sake have a chat to him! where's your daughter.

so many estrangements on here I am shocked that you say you feel bullied by someone doing a good turn!

Well, yes.

Talk!

But - she has talked - 'Nothing I say can stop him doing it his way' (apologies for repeating). This is bordering on elder abuse of the emotional kind, believe it or not (you won't, of course).

I wish I had someone to help me.

BlueBelle

You have a strange idea of bullying Hithere
He might be behaving like a bull in a china shop by not asking what you want but he thinks he’s helping so his intentions are good You just have to be clearer about what you DONT want doing and praising about the jobs that he’s really being helpful with

Agree!

We really need more details of the so-called bullying.

merlotgran

We really need more details of the so-called bullying.

It's all rather vague.

"My SIL cut my lawn when I didn't want it cut"
Elder abuse?

Really? I could tell you instances of elder abuse and that is not it.

Better that than a SIL, who doesn't care. Many would love a son in law, who is so thoughtful.
I agree, Elder Abuse is a bit of an exaggeration.

You may have to be blunt, if he doesn't listen. Then again, you may hurt his feelings.