Am I being a grinch?

Where do the partner and her little boy actually live, and why doesn't your stepson go to see them there?
It's a back-handed compliment isn't it when they all feel so comfortable at your house!

If you do end up with them at yours for Christmas, make a list well beforehand, spread the jobs out and make sure they realise they all have to work as a team. On no account let yourself end up doing it all.

For what it's worth our adult children all came home to live for various lengths of time after they'd originally left.
But the house had been their childhood home.

Do you think you feel more resentful now because you are living in your parents' old home, not your stepsons' old family home?

You are not being a grinch. These adult kids are being self-centred and selfish. You and your DH need to speak to son2 and tell him his partner's assumptions and self-invites are unacceptable. This is nothing to do with whether you like the partner and partner's offspring. They are taking advantage.

Get assertive and say their proposed "arrangements" (including over Christmas) don't suit you.

If you do end up with them at yours for Christmas
Just say that doesn't work for you.
By all means host a meal if you choose but say that staying is not on the cards.
PS it is much too soon to be making 🎄 plans but you might need to invent one!

V3ra

Where do the partner and her little boy actually live, and why doesn't your stepson go to see them there?
It's a back-handed compliment isn't it when they all feel so comfortable at your house!

If you do end up with them at yours for Christmas, make a list well beforehand, spread the jobs out and make sure they realise they all have to work as a team. On no account let yourself end up doing it all.

You have it exactly right V3ra, I do see it as a back handed compliment, which is why I feel so conflicted. The boys don’t really have a relationship with their mother and the youngest often tells me I am more of a mother to him than his own mother has ever been. Youngest stepson normally lives with his partner, distance wise it is a 35 minute drive, but it is 2 hours on the bus each way and he doesn’t drive.

Whilst the boys have lived with us off (and mostly on) it was never in their family home, but the homes DH and I made together. I feel a bit as though ‘I want my cake and eating it’. Perhaps I just need to suck it up. I do think I need to enlist their help over Christmas.

Baggs

You are not being a grinch. These adult kids are being self-centred and selfish. You and your DH need to speak to son2 and tell him his partner's assumptions and self-invites are unacceptable. This is nothing to do with whether you like the partner and partner's offspring. They are taking advantage.

Get assertive and say their proposed "arrangements" (including over Christmas) don't suit you.

On reflection, I think you have hit the nail on the head somewhat. I think if I am brutally honest that the main issue is youngest stepson’s partner has rubbed me up the wrong way. The boys used to be a bit inconsiderate, but as they know my health isn’t great, they are actually quite helpful these days; especially the youngest lad. It’s funny how when you see your words written down and see the responses it really helps you to see the real issues.

They need to move out - you know that.

It does seem to happen often now that adult children return home for periods of time.

I can understand them wanting a family Christmas, most people do, Simply tell them that you cannot cope with doing it so will have to be elsewhere or that you need help. They won’t know if you don’t tell them.

It is not too soon to make Christmas plans at all, but honestly, what stopped you telling your DIL that it is manners to wait until you are asked?

As your husband and you are equally tired of his children who know they are onto a good thing, TELL THEM SO.

Tell the lad who is looking for a job in your area so he can continue living with you that whether or not he finds a job nearby, he has three months from today to move out.

And should any of the others consider moving back in, say NO.

Explain that neither you nor their father are getting any younger, and it is not the way either of you vizualise your retirement, quite apart from the fact that full-time jobs are becoming increasingly tiring for you both, so no more extended family living.

And stick to your guns.

I have been there and done that and it did not spoil our relationship with the "children" that we put our foot down firmly.

Your stepson needs to be reminded that it is/was a temporary arrangement for a few weeks while he had a short term contract. If he is planning on looking for other work then he needs to think about other accommodation for him and his girlfriend when she stops over with her son. He also needs to thinking about driving lessons for himself so he can be more independent and have a greater choice of job opportunities - he is restricting himself just with this one thing that he can actually change.
Christmas is a minefield for many families but if they should end up with you, then share out the meal planning, preparing, shopping, costs in fact everything ! Make it clear that this is a chance for you and your DH to recharge your batteries. This won't happen if you and your DH are taking on the lions share of hosting and the Christmas prep.
Time with family can be lovely but even they can overstay their welcome sometimes.

You are obviously a great stepmother 👌