AIBU with elderly parent

My friend's dad lived alone until he died and he was over 100. I never met him but by all accounts he managed. His son and Dil lived 500 miles away and only visited occasionally when they would clean up and wash up.
The old man didn't see dirt
He must have had some kind of food delivery but he chopped wood for his fire.
I think your dad is a bit depressed. I also think he's a lucky man to have you despite you getting grumpy.

If your father has chosen to laze about all day watching netflix then I would gradually step back and do the minimum. Its the lifestyle he has chosen, and that is his right.

Im not "quite young" as I was 79 last birthday so not too far off your father's age. I still manage to run a business and keep myself clean but have little interest in cooking or housework. I have a cleaner come in every 2 weeks (times by arrangement) and my nephew supplies me with cooked meals which I just stick in the microwave. Tesco delivers my groceries. I also have a gardener to tidy up once a month.

I would get very angry if my family began to interfere in my life and believe me they would not want to be on the wrong end of my temper.

Think it's time to close this thread.

jenpax

Curiousdan

Thanks all. I've mentioned getting a cleaner but he goes mad! He doesn't want to pay (he gets an allowance, which would cover it) and he doesn't want a stranger in the house. In a certain way I think it might hurt his dignity. Same as above for getting a gardener

I get so mad with selfishness like this! Your father wont pay for help or allow a “stranger in the house” but is perfectly happy to allow his daughter to be an unpaid skivvy 😡

She doesn't have to do it.

Minerva, yes, some posts seem to be advocating what amounts to abuse.
No kindness and no understanding whatsoever.

I thought a forum for older people would be better than that but I think you may be right:
It would seem from the remarks that most gransnetters are still quite young

Good heavens. It would seem from the remarks that most gransnetters are still quite young, This poor man may well be in the early stages of dementia or some other illness. He could be dead in 6 months, already past his use by date. Apart from keeping an eye on the needs of the dog leave him be if you don’t want to clean up after him. I won’t let my children in the house (no animals to worry about) if they start moaning at me for sleeping and lazing around and not tidying up. I’m not far off your dad’s age, looked after my mother through my 60s and 70s, pretty well house-bound now but still looking after myself and hoping to die in harness before my offspring start seeing me as a burden.
Save your energy for sorting out the mess after he’s gone.

Curiousdan

Thanks all. I've mentioned getting a cleaner but he goes mad! He doesn't want to pay (he gets an allowance, which would cover it) and he doesn't want a stranger in the house. In a certain way I think it might hurt his dignity. Same as above for getting a gardener

I get so mad with selfishness like this! Your father wont pay for help or allow a “stranger in the house” but is perfectly happy to allow his daughter to be an unpaid skivvy 😡

Your DD lost his wife of many years. He’s sad and probably no longer has any real interest in life. My DD was exactly the same. No matter what we tried to do or say, nothing made any difference because we weren’t his DW. We looked after him, made sure he ate, was clean and tidy, took his antidepressants ( most of the time - they made no real difference) and included him in our lives as much as we could. This all passed time for him until vascular dementia took him. We were happy to do this for a much loved dad who had worked hard all his life to provide for us. We knew we couldn’t really help him come to terms with his loss but were determined to support him in the way he wanted to live.
I suppose what I am trying to say is that he is living his life as best he can and you should try to do the same for yourself. Only you know what you are able to do to help him ‘pass the time ‘. Please don’t feel guilty that you can’t do more. We are all different.

(and) her mother didn't want the cleaner, thinking a 'stranger' in the house might steal her jewellery. Once, that was safely locked away, though, she accepted the situation.

It all boiled down to my friend putting her foot down, refusing to use the vacuum cleaner - and only cooking a meal on Wednesdays.

and do his laundry
He's still doing his own washing and cooking.

At 86 let him be.

Filling in the forms for financial help is quite difficult, I've been tol, so perhaps that could be a consideration to pay for a cleaner and gardener.

(I do feel sorry for the dog, too. It should have got to the vet's promptly.)

Still, I feel the father has given up and is content to just watch telly and be waited on. I expect he's done exactly that (very little) for a long time - so is unlikely to change. He doesn't necessarily want to be 'active and learning', why should he?

The problem is the OP's understandable resentment at running two houses.

Do what my friend did, claim the benefits he's entitled to, employ a cleaner and gardener, bring a few ready meals and a takeaway every week - and do his laundry.

Let him do anything else he feels up to doing. If he only cooks beans and eggs, maybe only has a salad or sandwich, then so be it.

Hithere

The dog is ok because you are doing all the care

Good.

Curiousdan

I can't express enough that the dog is absolutely okay, well loved and cared for. They are not living in squalor because I clean. In aware that I might be doing too much and that might make him less independent so I'll gently step back. No threats need to be made and no one is getting hurt by this. Thank you all for taking the time to reply. It helps to hear other people's similar situations.

Just clean what is essential or insist he employs a cleaner.
Make sure there's no food which has gone off in the fridge, clean the bathroom if you wish and the kitchen sink. Perhaps help him to change the bed linen and towels.
Just essential hygiene practices, really.

The dog is ok because you are doing all the care

I can't express enough that the dog is absolutely okay, well loved and cared for. They are not living in squalor because I clean. In aware that I might be doing too much and that might make him less independent so I'll gently step back. No threats need to be made and no one is getting hurt by this. Thank you all for taking the time to reply. It helps to hear other people's similar situations.

Caleo

You are applying too much carrot not enough stick.

Threaten him with taking his dog away from him. In other matters permit him to be as slovenly as he desires. if he is actually wasting away as a result get him sectioned.

For crying out loud, he may be difficult and stubborn but he is an adult man who has lived a life and is entitled to a level if respect as long as he and dog are not endangered. I cant believe treating him as if he has no rights in his own life is even suggested

Having said that if his adult children are unable to meet the requirements of his decisions then that is a different conversation but it is not "threatening" to take away, its finding solutions that work for all or it is helping to reach different decisions in line with any assistance his family are able/willing to give

I see lots of 'care', but where's the kindness?

I agree with you Callistemon21.

Grannynannywanny

Poor man. Despite assurance that his dog is being cared for by OP there seems to be more concern for the dog than this elderly man by some posters. I wish I hadn’t read this thread .

My concern for the dog is because the dog is his only constant companion .
As long as the dog remains cared for, fed, watered, healthy and happy that is a positive and the dog should remain with his owner.

Take the dog away and the owner could really go into a decline.

Poor man. Despite assurance that his dog is being cared for by OP there seems to be more concern for the dog than this elderly man by some posters. I wish I hadn’t read this thread .

Aldom

Caleo

You are applying too much carrot not enough stick.

Threaten him with taking his dog away from him. In other matters permit him to be as slovenly as he desires. if he is actually wasting away as a result get him sectioned.

*What a callous thing to say.*

Dreadful, idn't it!!

I wonder what some of the posters on here will be like when they get to 86 and how they'd like to be bullied.

As long as Fritzy is fine, fed and watered in clean bowls, enjoying his life, is company for your Dad, Curiosdan and you can take him to the vet for his appointments then leave him be.

Curiousdan

Yes you're right it's his life not mine. I've been tryign to get some perspective on this really, to stop myself getting irritated. I've spoken to Age UK and they said basically the same thing. There's lots of help and stuff out there for older people but if he won't accept any of it then so bit it!
I rather love that there is so much concern for the dog. I'm an animal lover too and I love the dog. Fritzy is his name and he's a shi tzu and no trouble at all. I'll keep on keeping an eye on my father but I will quit worrying or expecting him to suddenly change.

We worried about my MIL because she hoarded, that was liveable with but then realised she had stopped eating properly That was the main cause for concern, as was the fact she was being scammed by the home help.
At least you live fairly near so you can be vigilant.

you say you work with older people then surely you must see your father needs help can you have a chat with him or get him to visit his gp even if you have to take him also the dog is suffering if he cant be bothered to take dog to vet then that is classed as cruelty to animals ask him if he wants to give the dog up if he says yes then contact a rescue centre to get dog rehomed just dont give up on him or the dog both need help

Agree with Callistemon.

Callistemon21

Oh, for goodness sake, poor old man!!

He's 86 for flip's sake.
He's stubborn, yes, but threatening to take his dog away??
As long as the OP can just ensure the dog remains well leave him be.

How cruel.

Agreed. Some of the posts here are disgusting!

All three of you are in a rut - dad (depressive rut), you and possibly dog. None of this is good.

That said… too many widowed spouses do become inert, seemingly lifeless at times with no desire to do anything and then become a real worry for their family. But you know, he’s only going to get worse.

Have you looked into assisted living facility? He needs to be living around other people (not just you) for a nice infusion of life and energy. If he’s got the money (and there’s a house to sell) this could be a solution. But he won’t listen and will be resistant I’m sure. He can can bring some of his furniture, cook and do laundry and even bring his dog (some places will allow.)

Why, he might even meet a kindly gent to have a lively conversation with!
USA Gundy
PS - I do worry about that dog…