AIBU with elderly parent

Why do people always imagine that those who CBA about housework and sit watching TV are depressed?

I had an aunt like this when I was a youngster. She was plump and jolly and CBA with housework. She certainly wasnt depressed. The house was not dirty but it was untidy with piles of washing everywhere and stuff waiting to be put away. You had to clear a space to sit down. I much preferred it to my parents house because she accepted me as I was. I could read a book or watch TV with her. None of this "go and help your mother in the kitchen."

I think your Dad sounds very depressed. I would seriously consider insisting he sees a GP, with you and try to move forward in this way.

Don’t feel guilty, but please remember we are all different, some 86 year olds are functioning well physically and mentally and some just aren’t. When was the last time your Dad had a full “MOT” at the GP?

Don’t knock yourself out and cut down in his housework a bit and try and spend a little time just being with him.

He’s probably lonely and stubborn.

Good luck

Curiousdan

I want to be kind but the truth is I've been getting crabby lately - hence me calling out on this forum for advice.

Things my father won't do: see a GP, join a group or class, have a cleaner, go anywhere with any one for any thing, get the house sorted (crumbling plaster and broken furniture)... maybe he is happy living this way. It's me that has the problem! But I am trying to adjust my thinking.

The dog is the only thing that keeps my father going (even though he doesn't walk him etc). Think the most frustrating part is we've all been there for him since my mother died but he's waved us all away (and sometimes it has felt like a snub).

But you can't help someone who doesn't want help.
Take care of the dog, check in on your dad and so long as dad is eating well and seems OK living the life he's living then leave him be.

FWIW, AgeUK have a social thing where hosts invite a group of older people to their house for meet ups and coffee. I was a host for a while and quite enjoyed it. Guests are picked up/dropped up by volunteer drivers.

Your mother died 10 years ago but clearly he's got into the almost cosy routine of can't-be-arsed because you can! He's playing at pic'n'mix, choosing to leave all the grind to you whilst he potters about on his scooter in the knowledge that the Dutiful Daughter will have taken responsibility for the chores he simply doesn't fancy and sorted out any problems.
He's comfortably selfish - and unless you confront him with putting your foot down he'll allow you to become frazzled and burnt out. Enough is enough.

My dad is 88 and is exactly the same.
I've had the same worries etc as yourself. In fact I could have written your description of him except for the dog.
But my brother and I have come to realise he is happy living as he does.
He isn't depressed or anything.
Try not to worry and take comfort in the fact you are doing your best for him.

Sorry for not replying. Stuff has been happening. But my father is okay. I've pulled back a bit and don't worry as much now. Thanks for helping.

He is 86. When my late husband got to about 84 he spent most of his time nodding off with his dog on his knee. Its natures way of winding down.

I don’t think Curiousdan is still reading. On 15 th September they said time to close this thread

Live the LIFE he wants to live.

My feeling is that at 86 having done his bit and served the community for many years he is entitled to live the house he wants to live. If that means having a hoarding problem then so be it. He will simply become more angry and resentful when people put their two penneth into how he "should" live.

A few weeks ago a pushy neighbour attempted to recruit me to be an emergency contact for my NDN who has dementia and lives alone. I have never got on with NDN and we have had several stand up rows.. She lost her husband about 2 years ago and has gone steadily downhill since being without his support. She has 2 adult children and its none of my affair that they cannot visit her more often or have not put carers in place. I dont believe she has even been consulted as to whether she wants a person she does not like to have keys to her house. Of course I refused outright.

I mean lie by your side.

Lots of people your dad's age don't go out much. Do what you feel able to do and what you are happy doing but don't go beyond what you are happy to do. Please don't think of taking his dog away from him (I know you've already said you are not thinking of this and the dog's ok) It is his only company and as others have said once dogs have been walked they are content to lie by yourself. Our dog is middle aged and she is very content to be around us just resting for the rest of the day. Our vet told us that the dogs he sees with retired owners are lucky as dogs like company and so many younger people get dogs then leave them alone all day while they work. Of course it might get too much for you to walk the dog. If it does maybe your dad can hire a dog walker. That's our plan if we get too old to walk ours. As they get older they don't always need walking so much. We see a friend of ours regularly dog walking. She has two dogs but now when we see her she only has one with her. She is out daily but when she shows the older dog the leads most days he goes straight to his bed showing her he doesn't want to go out. Some days he will have a short walk then just sits down on the pavement to show he's had enough.

Oh dear! Have rambled on about the dog when I see that upthread you said you wouldn't be getting your dad to part with it. I was just concerned when reading some posts that a mainly housebound old man might be persuaded to part with his only 24 hours a day companion.

You sound like a very caring daughter. Make sure you look after yourself. Regards.

Allsorts

Curiousdan, Can I just say what a very kind person you are. He sounds as if he’s given up yet he cooks and has his meals, does his own washing and if he thinks that’s all he wants to do, well he is 86 it’s his decision. If you don’t mind walking the dog and grooming him, I would continue to do that or the dog must go. Perhaps if you just left the house to crumble if he’s happier like that and stop worrying, , you say he and your mom didn’t matter with other things anyway, so it’s what he wants. I know several old people like your dad but their family gave up on them, you never will, just be there when he needs you, he’s got all his marbles. It’s so nice to hear how much you care but look after yourself and stop beating yourself up, you’ve done a good job.

Allsorts Perfect post.

I agree, additionally, just hire a dog walker. When we can no longer care for our pets - we'll pay others to care for them.

I don’t think you are helping him in the long run.
He is capable but stuck in a miserly grumpy rut.
Help him but don’t enable him. He can do his own cleaning, if not he can afford a cleaner.
There are lots of clubs out there , push him to get out there
My FIL joined one once a week and it’s given him a new lease of life. He’s in his 90s

Could you take the dog to live with you, at least temporarily but not tell your dad it'stemporary, to see if it makes your dad sit up and take notice?
Could telling him your mum would be disgusted at the state of the house, and himself, not be a kick up the bum for him?
You could have his GP visit your dad at home, tell them you're worried about him!
Also tell your dad he's likely to end up in a home if he doesn't buck up his ideas, in which case he could lose his dog permanently.
It sounds very much like the poor man has depression and he'll sink lower if he doesn't get the right help. I'm sure he misses your mum terribly!
He needs fresh air and sunlight. Can you entice him to go for short walks with you and the dog, even if just up the road and back?

My friend is in similar circumstances to you, Curiousdan. Last month she hurt her back & simply couldn’t move due to pain, which has improved after chiropractic treatment - but during that month, her Dad coped just fine. Not only that, he didn’t bother to phone her much, to find out if she was ok for shopping etc! He seems content with what appears to be a sad, socially limited existence which concerns her as she loves him dearly. But he doesn’t want to do anything, has no interest. As others have suggested, perhaps he is depressed but you can’t force him to discuss with GP.
You’re doing a wonderful job in challenging circumstances. Don’t let it wear you out, if it gets to that, tell him & let him decide how to deal with it. The main thing is you are caring daughter, he knows he’s loved. How he chooses to live is his choice.

Eirlys well done, I hope I will be like you (if I get to 93!)

I don't want any DC to wait on me or worry about me and I don't think Curiousdan's father does either.
He's probably quite all right with someone just keeping an eye on him and his dog.

watermeadow

A hundred years ago we were old at sixty. This old boy is nearly ninety. There are very few David Attenboroughs and most very old people need increasing care and have decreasing strength.
Old cats and dogs sleep almost the whole time so why shouldn’t old people?
Look after him, cherish him and his dog, he won’t be around to need you much longer.

Well said, watermeadow 🙂

A hundred years ago we were old at sixty. This old boy is nearly ninety. There are very few David Attenboroughs and most very old people need increasing care and have decreasing strength.
Old cats and dogs sleep almost the whole time so why shouldn’t old people?
Look after him, cherish him and his dog, he won’t be around to need you much longer.

You are an inspiration Eirlys! Just brilliant! 💐

I'm 93 and have three Offspring, two of whom live locally. My DIL's are great but I don't see them often or the Boys so my daughter keeps an eye on me. I am the one who tells her she is not to be the "responsible skivvy"! She does make appointments for me and takes me for vaccinations and hospital visits. She also takes me out shopping and checks on Messenger every day that I am well. My iMac and my Tablets are my lifelines and I keep in touch with friends via email, Messenger and FaceTime. I do surveys and am an active member of several Web groups. I use EBay and Preloved and until fairly recently studied on line with an American group. I subscribe to Readly, a digital daily newspaper, Prime, Kindle and Netflix. I have two mini Airfryers and enjoy using these for my daily cooked lunch though I also keep one or two ready meals in my freezer for my lazy days. Daughter and local DIL also often bring along meals. I don't go out much now as I am not that mobile and I'm lazy! I have a cat who is good company. Dad, might like me, be happy with his own company though I admit I do enjoy the Net. Any chance he could learn to use a PC? I also have ten library large print books delivered every three weeks as I haveAMD. Oh my hairdresser/friend does the bathroom and the kitchen floor when she visits. Daughter and friend help me de-clutter when I need to do so otherwise I still keep my tiny flat tidy. I shall probably need a regular cleaner one day. I don't think it is fair that a Daughter should be expected to wait on her parent(s).

I had another idea and perhaps you do this, IDK - bring dad over to your place for a meal, each week change the day you pick him up - it could be for lunch or for dinner (according to your schedule.) Variety. Not just one set day.

It gives him and the dog an outing. He has a reason to get dressed and look forward to it. Perhaps even go for a light lunch / dinner in a restaurant when he gets used to it. For sure on his birthday or a holiday.

On the way home… “oh, look Dad, there’s the library. Let’s go in and get a book or two.” Start slow and work your way up.
Just pile him in the car and go for a ride! 😊
USA Gundy

Callistemon21

We should get a cleaner ......

So should we! Only I can’t bring myself to do it - I’m perfectly capable of doing the cleaning, and it’s not that we can’t afford it - it’s just that I hate housework, so it’d be sheer laziness.

When I came home after 3 weeks in hospital back in March, I remarked to dh that he must have been busy with a duster - no dust to be seen.
No, after a suggestion from a relative, he’d had someone in to give the whole house a good going over!

As for Autumn cleaning, I promised myself last year that once the clocks changed, I’d clear out one cupboard or drawer every day.
And I didn’t do even one.😱
Can’t promise that this year will be much better, but you never know…

We should get a cleaner ......

I’ve been going through this for years they expect you to pick up on their expectations and know what they want. Although my mother does care for her bird and does as much housework as she can . I am trying to run 2 houses, I have poa but every time I make a transaction she quierys it. I want to get internet banking but she won’t agree so I’ve got to go to the bank several miles away to make transactions. She won’t try anything new, eats out of date food, keeps feeding birds despite having a mouse/rat infestation, won’t shut doors as she likes fresh air and so on, there’s no escape as there’s no one else. She promised to get a cleaner but keeps putting it off . Now I just go through the motions, go home and lose myself in a book. It will end someday