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(12 Posts)
jessicalynn386 Sun 17-Sep-23 08:57:14

Hello! I could really use some advice.

My husband and I have been together 13 years. It’s no surprise I have not fit in with his family. My SIL being my biggest hater, who my MIL favors. My SIL is the baby of the family and she is the type that doesn’t do wrong.

I had a daughter in 2013 and there were bumps in the road but we got past them and I felt like things got a little better with everyone. My MIL and FIL had a very good relationship with my daughter until 2020, they moved 4 hours away.

To make things short, I had my 2nd child, a son in 2020. My SIL (who lives 25 mins away from us) had her 1st child 7 months later. My MIL came down and spent 3 weeks babysitting my SIL baby. We went to my SIL house twice so she could see our kids.

A month later we drove 4 hours to my MiL house to spend time with them for a week. While we were there, she asked me what I was planning for my sons 1st birthdaY. I told her I’m not planning a big party cause I don’t want to deal with it. I told her I was just over the parties. She told me it’s a milestone birthday and talked me into planning a party for him.

A month later, I planned the party and also decided to do his baptism the same week so they could attend both and not make 2 trips for 2 occasions. His bday fell on Tuesday and I decided to baptize him the same day so I never forget the day! His party fell on a Sunday. We got a response from MIL that her and my FIL would only attend his actual birthday and baptism and would NOT attend his party bc there was a church trip they wanted to go on. My husband said something as it bothered him and she finally said they would come to both.

the week of the birthday, they both came down on that Tuesday and spent the night at our house. Wednesday she packed up and left and said she couldn’t wait to leave our house to go visit my SIL baby since she’s rolling over now. She stayed at my SIL house Wednesday - Sunday, the day of the party. My husbands entire family was surrounding my SIL baby and my in laws were the first to leave so they could make the long drive back home. My family thought the party was awkward and strange.

after that I didn’t say anything, I just let it go. But she was spending weekends with my BIL who lives 3 hours NORTH of them and she was coming to stay at my SIL (25 mins from us) and not visiting our kids.

one day I let her take my son for a couple hours. She was an hour late. When she showed up she had my SIL baby saying she was sleeping and she was sorry she was late, knowing she was only going to have my son for a couple hours.

it seems that my in laws are having a hard time spending time with my kids. They won’t spend time with my kids unless she has my SIL baby or the kids have to go to SIL house.

she has claimed it’s bc she feels unwelcome. My husband has explained she is welcome and always has been. But, nothing is changing. She’s either at my BIL house or my SIL house and when she DOES stay here, she is out spending the day with my SIL and her baby and my kids are tagging along.

I guess I am use to my daughter having a great relationship with her grandparents (for 7 years) and I’m not seeing it anymore. There’s been a shift, she’s almost 10 now. and suddenly my family is the primary family and who she is growing closer too.

we did talk to them about it but they said it’s not intentional and they will do better. But to this day, nothing has changed. It’s been 3 years.

I have grown so angry and I hate my kids don’t have their grandparents there. My daughter loves them but she knows they aren’t there anymore because they moved. She doesn’t ask for them on grandparents day. They are out of sight out of mind for her, when it use to be completely different. I have given them opportunities to allow time with our kids to happen, and it’s just not happening.

what advice do you have and how do I move forward?

To me it’s obvious my MIL favors her daughter and her child. I just don’t know how to get them to spend time with our kids and I just don’t understand how they don’t see the shift that happened especially with our daughter. They haven’t spent much time with my son. MIL couldn’t even spell his name right. They are just kind of oblivious to it even after conversations and explaining things.

In 2020, my FIL said they prefer to spend time with each individual family. So my husbands family, my BIL family, and my SiL family. But they don’t spend time with my family, they are with the other two. We have to go to my SIL house to visit. It just doesn’t make any sense?!

Any advice would be appreciated!

Oopsadaisy1 Sun 17-Sep-23 09:05:08

We have been married for 52 years and until she died during Covid my MIL disliked me intensely and never visited us, MrOops visited them occasionally but we never had a good relationship with my in-laws nor were they interested in our daughters, they had my SILs children close by and spent all of their time with them.

We had my parents who were fantastic and much loved by our children.

Some things you can’t change. Don’t spend your time being jealous, it won’t hurt them and it won’t do you any good at all, enjoy your marriage and your children.

Grandmabatty Sun 17-Sep-23 09:10:04

You are never going to have the relationship you think you need with your parents in law. The sooner you accept that and stop agonising over it, the happier you will be. Enjoy the relationship you have with your parents and accept that your pil won't have a close relationship with your children. Then move on

Smileless2012 Sun 17-Sep-23 09:13:19

Hello jessicalynn my advice is to stop worrying about it and let it go.

Your children have their other GP's in their lives and while I understand that it's been hard for your D who had a close relationship with them, you've said they're "out of sight out of mind for her now".

If you haven't done so already, you need to talk to your husband and see how he feels about the situation which understandably may be more upsetting for him, as they are his parents.

Depending on how he feels, it might be an idea to not always go to your s.i.l.'s house when his parents are there if the sole reason for doing so is so they can see the children.

I can understand why you find their lack of interest in your children hurtful but if that's how it's going to be there's nothing you can do to change it, and your children are better off seeing the GP's who do want to spend time with them flowers.

sodapop Sun 17-Sep-23 09:14:30

Good advice Oopsadaisy don't waste your time & energy resenting your in laws jessicalynn enjoy your life and family and leave them to get on with their own lives.

FenellaFootstrap Sun 17-Sep-23 09:28:28

I had a very similar experience with my own family and know how upsetting it is but unfortunately jessicalynn I don't think that there's anything you can do about it. You've tried very hard to encourage a good relationship with your in laws but I think you just need to accept now that it's not going to happen. Stop inviting them to family events and focus only on those people who want to spend time with you. There will come a time when your in-laws suddenly wake up and realise that they've missed out on so much but that won't be your problem to deal with.

Urmstongran Sun 17-Sep-23 09:46:58

Stop fretting. Invite them to family events graciously with no expectation of them attending then it will be smoother for everyone. Don’t fall out or feel bitter. Things may change down the line. Or not. What you can’t change you will learn to just accept in time.

jessicalynn386 Sun 17-Sep-23 11:13:42

Thank you all! It is really hard 😞 But I will get there

BlueBelle Sun 17-Sep-23 13:31:10

I think you are putting way, way, way too much importance on this, get on with your life with your children and husband, it really doesn’t matter. It’s their loss and as others have said just give out the invites if they come they come, if they don’t they don’t, it really shouldn’t be that big a problem

HousePlantQueen Sun 17-Sep-23 13:38:16

Oppsadaisy is right, just concentrate on the family you do have; the lack of contact by paternal grandparents is their loss.

Bella23 Sun 17-Sep-23 13:57:42

It's their loss not yours. Invite them knowing they will probably not take up the invite but it will ease your feelings knowing you have asked.
My MIL was once asked if she could babysit, we were told "No" she was going to the Commonwealth games which were in a months time.
When I mouthed to DH what she had said he grabbed the phone and asked her which Bloody event was she in and it didn't take a month to iron a pair of shorts and top.
Forget them don't make your life unhappy.
A lot of us have had to deal with the dreaded MIL and sympathise.

silverlining48 Sun 17-Sep-23 14:04:58

It sounds horrible but wondering what your husband thinks, is he angry, upset? Has he spoken to his parents about this?