Favoritism

Hello! I could really use some advice.

My husband and I have been together 13 years. It’s no surprise I have not fit in with his family. My SIL being my biggest hater, who my MIL favors. My SIL is the baby of the family and she is the type that doesn’t do wrong.

I had a daughter in 2013 and there were bumps in the road but we got past them and I felt like things got a little better with everyone. My MIL and FIL had a very good relationship with my daughter until 2020, they moved 4 hours away.

To make things short, I had my 2nd child, a son in 2020. My SIL (who lives 25 mins away from us) had her 1st child 7 months later. My MIL came down and spent 3 weeks babysitting my SIL baby. We went to my SIL house twice so she could see our kids.

A month later we drove 4 hours to my MiL house to spend time with them for a week. While we were there, she asked me what I was planning for my sons 1st birthdaY. I told her I’m not planning a big party cause I don’t want to deal with it. I told her I was just over the parties. She told me it’s a milestone birthday and talked me into planning a party for him.

A month later, I planned the party and also decided to do his baptism the same week so they could attend both and not make 2 trips for 2 occasions. His bday fell on Tuesday and I decided to baptize him the same day so I never forget the day! His party fell on a Sunday. We got a response from MIL that her and my FIL would only attend his actual birthday and baptism and would NOT attend his party bc there was a church trip they wanted to go on. My husband said something as it bothered him and she finally said they would come to both.

the week of the birthday, they both came down on that Tuesday and spent the night at our house. Wednesday she packed up and left and said she couldn’t wait to leave our house to go visit my SIL baby since she’s rolling over now. She stayed at my SIL house Wednesday - Sunday, the day of the party. My husbands entire family was surrounding my SIL baby and my in laws were the first to leave so they could make the long drive back home. My family thought the party was awkward and strange.

after that I didn’t say anything, I just let it go. But she was spending weekends with my BIL who lives 3 hours NORTH of them and she was coming to stay at my SIL (25 mins from us) and not visiting our kids.

one day I let her take my son for a couple hours. She was an hour late. When she showed up she had my SIL baby saying she was sleeping and she was sorry she was late, knowing she was only going to have my son for a couple hours.

it seems that my in laws are having a hard time spending time with my kids. They won’t spend time with my kids unless she has my SIL baby or the kids have to go to SIL house.

she has claimed it’s bc she feels unwelcome. My husband has explained she is welcome and always has been. But, nothing is changing. She’s either at my BIL house or my SIL house and when she DOES stay here, she is out spending the day with my SIL and her baby and my kids are tagging along.

I guess I am use to my daughter having a great relationship with her grandparents (for 7 years) and I’m not seeing it anymore. There’s been a shift, she’s almost 10 now. and suddenly my family is the primary family and who she is growing closer too.

we did talk to them about it but they said it’s not intentional and they will do better. But to this day, nothing has changed. It’s been 3 years.

I have grown so angry and I hate my kids don’t have their grandparents there. My daughter loves them but she knows they aren’t there anymore because they moved. She doesn’t ask for them on grandparents day. They are out of sight out of mind for her, when it use to be completely different. I have given them opportunities to allow time with our kids to happen, and it’s just not happening.

what advice do you have and how do I move forward?

To me it’s obvious my MIL favors her daughter and her child. I just don’t know how to get them to spend time with our kids and I just don’t understand how they don’t see the shift that happened especially with our daughter. They haven’t spent much time with my son. MIL couldn’t even spell his name right. They are just kind of oblivious to it even after conversations and explaining things.

In 2020, my FIL said they prefer to spend time with each individual family. So my husbands family, my BIL family, and my SiL family. But they don’t spend time with my family, they are with the other two. We have to go to my SIL house to visit. It just doesn’t make any sense?!

Any advice would be appreciated!