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AIBU

Feeling sad and envious

(10 Posts)
Sallywally1 Fri 22-Sep-23 00:05:56

My grown up DS has two children aged 4 and 2 and althougfh I do see them from time to time I am, I admit, jealous that the maternal grandmother has far more contact than I do. I have made many offers to see them, bot do not as often I would like. My DS is I think aware. It makes it all the more sad for me because I am estranged from my middle child and have never seen her child. I expect I am just being selfish and petty, I have even offered to pick up DGD from school for some days. Feeling sad.

Doodledog Fri 22-Sep-23 00:11:50

It’s natural to feel jealous if the other grandparents see more of your grandchildren than you do, but please try not to compare, as that, as they say, is the thief of joy.

When you say you see them ‘not as often as you would like’, that implies that you do see them, so try to enjoy that, rather than thinking about the other side of the family.

It’s not selfish or petty to feel as you do though - you feel what you feel - but it might be better if you don’t let it show. flowers

Grammaretto Fri 22-Sep-23 00:14:34

Sorry you are feeling sad Sallywally I can't say if this is unreasonable but envy is not going to make things better.
Try to rise above it. Expect nothing and be grateful for any contact you have. At least that way you won't be disappointed.

Sorry too that you are estranged from your DD.

Mamasperspective Fri 22-Sep-23 23:50:38

They say a son is a son til he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter for all of her life.

Let's face it, women are generally more conscious of making sure they visit their family, men are just content spending time with their nuclear family in the household and it's natural that DIL feels a lot closer to her own mom. Her mom raised her and they have a lifetime of memories together so as much as the maternal grandmother gets to see the grandchildren more, I expect it's more because maternal grandma and DIL want to spend time together as mother and daughter. Maternal grandmother will be the most trusted woman in DIL's life and the one she will go to for advice on being a mother herself.

It's difficult for paternal grandmothers not to keep a tally chart on how often they get to see grandchildren compared to the other side of the family.

I would just park any thoughts of the other grandparents, enjoy the time you do get with your grandchildren and try to occupy yourself with some other hobbies to fulfil your life so you don't feel so consumed by sadness.

It's sad in one sense but it also shows you've raised a strong and independent young man, capable of taking care of his own nuclear family.

Namsnanny Sat 23-Sep-23 00:08:12

flowers Rant at home or on here. Say nothing to your son and his wife.

Enjoy the gchildren as and when you can.

So sorry to hear you are estranged from your middle child and gc. flowers

RiverRun Sat 23-Sep-23 01:49:13

I understand how you feel and it's hard not to feel that way. It seems to be a universal problem with many paternal grandparents that get treated this way and I feel people give a pass to daughters in law that do it. If they love their spouse, they would want their husbands family to have a part in their life too. The husband should try to ensure their parents have a part in their lives too. But let's face it, the wife usually gets her way. So just be fair, because that MIL loves her son and his family too ..

March Sat 23-Sep-23 07:55:37

Did you see a lot of your DIL before she had children?

I think there's pressure on the mom to facilitate contact with both sets regardless of the relationship pre babies.

She's going to see her mom who wants to see her daughter and her grandchildren. There's no mention of you missing your DIL and wanting to spend time with her and the children.

Does your son take his children to see his MIL without his wife? I'm guessing no but it's expected of the woman.

jeanie99 Sat 07-Oct-23 14:48:41

I can only speak from seeing my local grandchildren, my other GC live some miles away so it is different.
I tried to make their visits to my home as an exciting an experience for them as possible.
They are 4 and 7 so a little older than yours. They look foreword to seeing me and talk about it and what they are going to do to my son and DIL.
I bought second hand toys and we have built a village with building blocks and do so many things together. I consider this to be a good learning curve for them because we discuss many topics and the boys make decisions and try to compromise on things they don't agree on.
I can't cover everything we do but it works for me.
The thing is if you provide this type of environment for the little ones they will be asking mum and dad if they can come visit you.

Hithere Sat 07-Oct-23 14:56:37

What March said

Also, comparisons do not take you anywhere and grass may not be greener for the other side (maternal grandmother)

Try not to have your son compensate for your lack of contact with your other son

LadyGaGa Sat 07-Oct-23 15:05:57

It is universal. I had the same with my son’s daughter, but when my daughter had a little girl I was determined that her MIL didn’t feel left out. I don’t want anyone else to feel that way. So they now have a lovely relationship and I’m so pleased. We all get on well and my DGD has more people that love her. Win win. I’m sorry that you’re going through this.