Forced mingling at an event.

Well done Frankie for attending ! It did seem to be a daunting prospect. However you went and I am pleased it went better than you anticipated.
Thank you for letting us know.

You did really well. 👏👏That would have been my idea of hell all that organised stuff, art room, plays, having to turn and speak to the person next to you. Shudder.

Don't go. If its bothering you they much. I wouldn't go. I don't do things I don't want to do these days

Thank you for your update. So often we never hear the end of a story. I am glad it went so well and was not as daunting as you expected.
You have made me feel more confident to go to the function I mentioned in my earlier response to your original post.

Aldom - I'm sure it won't be as awful as you imagine.
Good luck.

And well done, and what a relief, Frankie.

I agree with Galaxy ….It sounds rather stressful 🩷💜

If this was me, I would attend. I'd wear my best dress, full make up and smart shoes. The idea of mingling with strangers appeals to me and I hope the other people there respect the deceased persons wishes. I went to a similar gathering and the people were really clicky. Groups of people who wouldn't interact. It was fun people watching and boasting about themselves.

Maybe the instruction to mingle and make a friend was aimed at his friends from the a creative world, who can be terribly cliquy!

It sounds as if you’ve had an awful time this year, including losing this friend. I hope you can get a bit of enjoyment out of spotting the ‘names/faces’ who are there!

Well done. Its so often the case that something you dread turns out to be fine...or at least doable.
I am glad you had a pleasant time. And let us know how you got on. I wish everyone would do that so you can see if the advice worked!!

• As long as it is a dearest friend, you should go.
• Know that many in the arts world have sparse education and meager beginnings, so they are more like you than you are of them right now. Always ask where they are from to start things off.
• Many opportunities to just be yourself. If you don’t feel like “mixing” find a chair and someone will always come and sit by you.
• People love others who listen. You’re not the only one who hates big gatherings. Just nod your head every now and then. ☺️
• It will be over before you know it. In the end you will have things to talk about to your friends from the actors/artists you meet and see. They will want the scoop!
Cheers!
USA Gundy

Just a ( slightly sinful) thought
If you happened to test positive for Covid just the day before, nobody would blame you for staying away.

Look for the person who looks a bit lost. Go and say hello to them. There will be others who are dreading this. Your husband shouldn't abandon you either.

If the person was still alive, he would be condemned for controlling behaviour. He doesn’t have to be obeyed just because he’s dead! Go, talk to whoever you fancy talking to.

I hate being dictated to from the grave …..I wound mourn in your own way . Don’t go!

rowyn

Just a ( slightly sinful) thought
If you happened to test positive for Covid just the day before, nobody would blame you for staying away.

The OP told us yesterday that she went to the event on Saturday.

Saggi

I hate being dictated to from the grave …..I wound mourn in your own way . Don’t go!

The OP went and enjoyed herself.

I would suggest a couple of things. Tell your husband that you need him to stay by you until YOU are ready to be on your own. If you can trust him to stay with you in the beginning, you may feel a bit more relaxed and then be able to mix with other people. Then , do you know one or two other people who are going to be there? Perhaps you could arrange to meet just away from the venue up the road somewhere and then travel together the last bit so that you are going in as a small group of 4 or 5 which would give you that little group to begin with. Alternatively you might feel better if you and your husband decide to arrange another appointment or place to be later, so that you might tell a white lie and say you were booked up for this other thing before you knew of this party. That you have come here first but will not be able to stay until the end. Dont state a time, so that if you actually find you are enjoying it you can stay a bit longer and if it is overwhelming you can leave as early as you need to. The important thing is "locus of control" so that you feel that you are deciding what and where you are doing, not being forced into a situation where you feel forced into doing all the things you do not want to do.. I think that your husbands attitude is making things worse as you do not feel he is going to be supportive and put your needs before his own desires. If you live close by to the venue, you could also think of going together and then when you need to go home , you could decide that you have a migraine and need to go home and lie down and be quiet. You are sorry you cannot stay any longer, and you could get your husband to take you home and he could go back if you agreed to that. Once this is over I think you need to have a talk with your husband , perhaps getting a relative or close friend to be part of the conversation , so that he then understands how you feel and how his attitude is making things worse. Personally I think he is being selfish, or has no empathy, and is incapable of understanding other peoples feelings, or respond to them. If it was me, I would later find a situation where I felt very comfortable and he didnt and organise it so that he had to stay there and cope with it. Then when you got home you could ask him how he liked the occasion and when he started to moan about how boring or edgy he felt then you tell him that is exactly how you feel in the party situation . If you can get him to be able to relate the two things you might make some progress. If not , I would be arranging to go with friends that I felt comfortable with to things that I enjoyed and politely decline going with him to the type of thing that did not appeal to me. Loving someone should mean that you care for their needs and feelings not forcing them into doing what you like and forcing it. Give and take and if that does not work then agreeing that you have very different ideas of what you enjoy and start making friends with others who enjoy the things you like. Share the things that you can both enjoy and have your own pleasures to enjoy.You should be equal partners and work out a way to live which suits you both. Not be pushed into just suiting one person. If his attitude was constantly expecting you to fit in with him and just do what he likes, I would not only think of going out with other friends , but if it continued I would be quite likely to choose to leave him and find a happier life on my own.!! As far as we know we only have one life, so why should you waste your life spending it in situations that constantly make you feel unhappy I do not say you should not go to some occasions and it would be good to try and find a halfway place. So for example if your husband wants you to go for a meal and a dance in the evening , with a few people, and you know that the music will be loud etc. you could suggest that you would be happy to meet these people in a cafe or restaurant for lunch. So you are meeting and mixing but in a quieter environment. That way you are clearly showing your intention to meet and mix but choosing how and where , so that you can keep control. Hope one or two of these ideas are helpful. Wish you good luck with it all

Sounds grim! Giving instructions from the grave! You don't have to obey!
I have found that if I don't know anything about a subject I just say to the person ,'I know nothing about that, can you tell me? People love to talk about their subject... just listen. If that dries up you can ask them if they have any other subject they are passionate about... and they will go on again... that could take up a fair amount of the time.
You can also say .'I live pretty much as a hermit and am not used to big events' or else look for someone else who is obviously not enjoying the process either and go and speak to them. You can commiserate together... and that might be the friend you are supposed to make!! And who knows you might enjoy it!!

Before giving more advise please read the posters update

Just an update for all you lovely people who were so supportive . I did go to the event yesterday

All seems well 😀

So pleased to hear this Frankie51.

Ha ha try not to follow good advice and end up divorced!

I would go to the event and enjoy it. I've found that most people are happy to chat. Start by asking how they came to know your friend and take it from there. Move to another group if it starts to dry up. After all, your friend has dictated that from the grave.
Apart from the ordeal of attending the event, I wanted to comment on your eyesight problem. If you know you will go blind anyway in that eye and there is a small chance of success with the operation I would take it. I had a similar decision to make and it worked out very successfully. Discuss it thoroughly with your consultant and decide then. Good luck with both events.

BlueBelle

Before giving more advise please read the posters update

Just an update for all you lovely people who were so supportive . I did go to the event yesterday

All seems well 😀

Devorgilla.

She’s been, it’s done and dusted Devorgilla

Thank you Patsy70 and BlueBelle for the update. I was rather more concerned about the eyesight problem and missed the update. Glad the OP survived it.