Adult DC potentially making me choose between them and partner

Maureen if I were you I'd ignore the remarks about unhealthy behaviours
It was uncalled for and very unkind.

I feel bad for doing my DH something of a disservice as it wasn’t always misery - we had some very happy times but he didn’t suit fatherhood. It mad him miserable, he preferred an easy life. He did love them, and he stayed and out on an act rather than left. But Had we had no kids we’d have likely had a very happy marriage. I haven’t said this to the kids and never would but it’s true.

but being with DP who is such an unbelievable gentleman, and has been more attentive in the six months we’ve been together than the 30-odd years I was with DH - it’s made me realise I deserved so much better than what he was able to give me. Better late than never

Good for you, Maureen !

So, first of all - I am absolutely not leading a double life.
Double lives are where a person has 2 secret families they go between.
I have a partner and adult children. It’s not the same.

And I haven’t actually lied to my children. Yes I’ve omitted information but they’ve never asked if I’m seeing anyone. They never ask about my life - they ask ‘are you busy at the weekend’ as a pre-cursor to asking if I can babysit. But except for DIL who asks what I’ve been up to, how’s work etc I don’t get asked about what plans I have or who with.

yes it was a horrible shock for DD to walk in on us - but I had no idea she was coming over, she let herself in. In my view, it you do that in a person’s house don’t complain about what you find. It’s my house, if I want to have coffee wearing barely anything then I will. It was their childhood home and they all still have keys, I don’t plan to take the keys off them.

Re the living together in lockdown - someone asked whose idea it was. It was a joint decision as they’d been rotating staying with me anyway and helping with things you don’t even realise you need to do when your DH dies young and out of nowhere. So it seemed to make sense we all live together and the cousins (only 3 of them at the time!) had other kids to play with. I can’t remember who instigated it.

Yes it’s not healthy to hide my new partner but I’m hoping people can understand why I did. I don’t think financing adult DC is unhealthy - life is hard and expensive and I don’t want to see them struggle. I’m very fortunate to be comfortable after DH’s death and I don’t have a great deal to spend it on.

Anyway I’ve had a chat with DP today who took me out to a lovely lunch, something we rarely get to do on a weekend as I normally babysit on any given weekend at some point. He’s very patient about this as I don’t tend to make weekend plans with him because of it. I’ve really enjoyed today and I’m going to clamp down on babysitting on weekends, I will do say every other weekend. If they can pull the ‘we will threaten to pull away from you’ nonsense then so will I. I’m not going to be petty enough to threaten to pull away financial support or weekday childcare but I am digging my heels in and letting them know I have a life for myself that I plan to live as more than Chief Babysitter

To clarify - I have said to them there is no pressure to meet DP anytime soon and I will never make them before they’re ready.

Maureen should have said I was widowed in 2004 I am now 65.

It sounds like you were meant to be working and your DD turned up unannounced with a sick child for you to look after? AND let herself in?
Wow.
I am all for helping but this is a grandma with no boundaries.
I would be making some very firm ones now if I were you.
Keys to be returned
No unannounced visitors (unless life or death emergency)
And absolutely no gifts/money/childcare until they apologise.
You are entitled to your own life outside of your kids/grandkids.
Whether you decide to tell them is entirely up to you.
You are a long time dead......

Maureen you are a widow your aren't dead. You have decades ahead of you. Grab every bit of happiness you can with both hands. And being with a loving partner what's wrong with that .

I was widowed when I was 45 . Over the years there have been chances for relationship my children no nothing but I decided when my husband died he was my one and only. But I had a very good and happy marriage . Yes we argued but nothing about anything important and he was a hands on dad. I had been with my husband when I was 16 and he was 18 he always knew I had health problems but he didn't care he wanted me. When my health got worst when our children were 4 and 6 months his attitude was we alter our way of life to suit you and be a normal family. He keep his word to the day he died.

I was born disabled and it was my fit healthy husband who got Cancer and died aged 47. He didn't want me to live the rest of my life alone. That is my choice.

You didn't have a happy marriage he wasn't the other half of yourself. My husband was mine and haven't been whole since. But your new partner sounds like the other half of yourself and that is a rare and precious thing. If it's true love for you both then don't let go.

The problem I see with your children is you protected them from reality but they must have be blind not to see how their dad treated you. They just don't want to admit he wasn't a good dad. Plus you are giving them money and free childcare. And that's the top and bottom of it . They don't want to lose the money or free children.

The more I read on various threads of parents giving their children money I am glad I have never been in the position to do that. My children have achieved everything on their own. Both my children always had keys to my homes but never came without checking first yo see if it was alright to come.

Unfortunately 3 years ago my son decided to cut me out of their lives. He did it via email and follow up letter. Yes it hurt but it was his choice . I knew 2 of my grandsons with him and my daughter in law but I don't know the name or date of birth of their youngest. But I decided months ago I wouldn't let him hurt me anymore . Yes I miss him but I was allowing him to hurt me by wishing for something I couldn't have.

Have a very good relationship with my daughter,son in law and 2 grandson's. If they want me to look after one or both of the boys they ask in advance. As I live an independent life.

You have the change of decades of happiness if your children won't accept it and are making you choose them it seems to me they don't love you as they should and only see you as a bank and childcare .

They are adults with families of their own time they stood on their own feet. Sounds harsh but they are worried the money and childcare will dry up.

Time to show them you are a woman first and mom second . Must admit I do envy you the sex . But I made my choice to live the rest of my life alone.

Hold on to the happiness you have with your partner . And if your children truly love you they should be happy for you like your partner's child.

My widowed niece remarried after 10 months.
My BIL met someone after 60 odd years and she moved in. AC children happily accepted.
Hold on to your new DP!

Totally agree with every single word that Fleur20 has posted and I’m wishing you every happiness in the future x

some people are much more private than others, I don;t see that as unhealthy - just how different we all are

There's nothing wrong in helping one's AC out financially and/or with childcare.

Do all AC tell their parents when they've met a new potential partner?

The only unhealthy behaviour I see here is the behaviour of Maureen's AC.

You have done nothing wrong apart from not bolting the door. Shocked or not, your adult children need to get a grip, accept you are entitled to behave as you like and let you get on with your life. Stand firm on this. Do not allow them to dictate the terms. It will take time but fill that time with your new happiness. They will come round, how long that takes is entirely up to them. Tell them all they better start using the doorbell.

Why financing childcare for their AC, financially and babysitting?

Why hiding she met a new partner?

I don't see that as healthy behaviours

but you have been living a fake double life based on lies with your kids and now they are shocked
'Maureen' has not been living a fake double life based on lies. What a dreadful thing to say.
Did you really expect her to say to these extremely obtuse children as they sang the praises of their dead father: "well, actually, he was awful, not interested in you, mean to me and very selfish." Really?
I vowed never to criticise my ex-husband to my children, and managed it most of the time, because it is unfair to burden them with adult problems and slag their parent off. I was touched years later when my son, talking about a friend whose parents were splitting up spectacularly and trying to make him take sides, said: "you never dragged us in and talked dad down or made us take sides". Later he said, "Dad treated you like sh**" which again surprised me; they both were aware of far more than I realised.
I wonder what sort of world these 'adult' children live in that makes them think they can lay down conditions for continuing their see their mother, particularly as all three of them are sponging off her. She has known this man six months, and he stays over occasionally; was she supposed to formally announce that?
They should be pleased she has found new happiness with someone, instead of acting like the morality police.
Whoever suggested they were worried about losing all the generous benefits she bestows on them is right.

It isn’t cheating . Adult children don’t usually confide in their parents if they get a new love interest and I don’t believe we should confide in them until things are serious.
There is something here though about open, honest communication in families. It’s common for the deceased love one to grow a halo that covers any horns. The time when these adult children’s determination to idealise and romanticise the relationship between their parents passed. Instead of gentle, calm discussions when memories are shared, there’s been an explosion.
I do hope things settle down

I absolutely think you should do what you like as it is your life and you deserve happiness. But you should have remembered that your DD had a key!!

I imagine it was a shock for them as you hadn't mentioned anything but they are being completely unreasonable. just carry on as you are and live your best life. They will get over it and over themselves at some point.

I have personal experience of this and the sibling in question still found fault with their Mother about everything anyway, she treated her as a possession after her Dad died. It is completely unfair behaviour and the upshot was her Mum lie to her as she had always had a gentleman companion in secret and what is the point of that when you still go forwards and make new family memories anyway?

You deserve a life of your own and it is completely natural to enjoy the company of others and sex in your 50s is completely normal also

Please put yourself first and accept this chance of happiness.

Sago

Your daughter is shocked, she opened a door and walked into your world, a world she had no idea existed, her reaction is shock and she needs time to come to terms with it.

I suggest your children knew exactly what their father was like but because of his premature death they want to rewrite history, this makes it easier for them as they are mourning the father they wanted not the father they had, they are not ready to deal with the facts.

I suggest you give them time, carry on as you normally would remain resolute and don’t let them come between you and your relationship.

I know this is hard but you must not cave in.

Things will get better.

I agree with Sago The way they found out was a shock for them all. As they are still bringing the GC to yours they will come round eventually.

Don’t mention your new DP to them and carry on as you are.

By the way...
You don't need to discuss your marriage with your children, it's irrelevant , if it was an awful marriage or the best marriage ever, it's irrelevant.
The fact is, you are no longer married and your choices are your choices.

First things first: you have not "cheated" in the modern sense of committing adultery. Marriage lasts "until death do us part".

After that it is up to the widow or widower to decide whether they want a new marriage or relationship, or not.

In hindsight, it would have been wiser to have mentioned to your adult children that you had met a man and entered a relationship with him.

They would probably have been shocked but that is their look-out and them being unreasonable.

It would definately have been wiser to have told them calmly some time after your husband's death, perhaps whilst you were all living in the same household during lockdown, that the father they loved had had his faults,(as have we all) and that you often had wanted to divorce him, That you did your best to hide this aspect of your and his relationship from your children, but you felt the time had come to set the record straight.

You didn't do so, and now they are choosing to believe that your new partner has put ideas into your head regarding your marriage to their father.

You have now two choices either you tell them (your adult children who are behaving like teenage brats) firmly that marriages last until the one spouse dies. After that the survivor is free to do precisely what he or she wants.

That children, whether adults or minors, have no right to dictate to a parent concerning what he or she does, as long as no-one is breaking any laws.

If they don't want to meet your new partner, you will not be best pleased, but will agree to visit your children in their homes without him, but that they will not be welcome in your home unless, or until, they can treat your partner with common politeness,

Your other choice would be to tell your new partner that he means less to you than your childlren and grandchildren, so you are dropping him.

In your place, I would make the first choice, assuming that if your children have any affection for you at all, they will come to be glad that you are happy and regret their ridiculous reactions to the fact that you have met a man you like.

If they don't come round to seeing that, then they obviously have always cared more for their father than for you, which seems unlikely.

I have never yet met anyone who managed either as a child or adult to have a marvellous relationship to a father who made it clear that playing for 30 minutes with his children now and then was all he could stand of them.

You have not cheated on anyone. I don't blame your daughter for being shocked at her surprise discovery of your partner, but her response was over the top and quite unreasonable.
Your children need to be put straight that you will be living your life as you feel fit, you are not answerable to them. Would they accept you dictating who they may or may not see, and dictating whether or not they are to be allowed a sex life? Of course they wouldn't. They should apologise for their reactions to you. As for your son, I'd be telling him straight that you'll be very sad if he chooses not to have anything more to do with you, but your private life is not up for discussion.
They are so incredibly selfish to say they want you to remain alone and celibate for the rest of your life. They remind me of children who while living at home don't want their parent to have a new partner, but have no trouble moving out and leaving them alone when it suits them.

You aren't cheating as your husband died, so you are no longer married.
You have been a fantastic mother and now a fantastic grandmother to your family.
I know they love you but they need to appreciate you for who you are as a person and not just see you as the facilitator of their lives.
There's a big difference and they need to respect that

It sounds like you have tried too hard to help out your adult children and are starting to see how entitled and selfish it has made them. They are not toddlers and will have to accept you are a person not just mum/ grandmother

A fake double life? What utter nonsense! Do parents of AC have to inform them of everything they do or get permission from them before they embark on anything new? I’m planning something in my life which I shall not be informing my children about until it’s a fait accompli. I don’t need their permission for anything, as they don’t need mine for they way they conduct their lives.

I hope this situation can be sorted out, Maureen. It sounds as though your children have more to lose than you do so the sooner they row back in their controlling and bullying behaviour, the better. Your DIL sounds an ally, maybe talking it over some more with her would help find a way forward.