Daughters partner visiting massage parlours

He could have left her because of the anger and drinking, it was her that went to check on him and they ended up back together, surely with the relationship over if what she had said was true she would not have sought him out.

If it were true or not it sounds like a bad relationship but nothing you do will end it.

I would welcome him back or you could end up with her not seeing you at all. Say nothing but be there if she needs you in the future.

I would be concerned she is in an emotionally abusive relationship with someone who is gaslighting and manipulating her from the information shared...

These people are masters at appearing "wonderful" to others and making their victims look bad, even to their own families

Sorry I didn't explain very well . . . Her drinking she said was because she could not cope with his betrayal, it only happened intermittent, at times when she found him out . . .

She didn't seek him out, he hounded and hounded her telling her he was sorry and he loved her . . . .

He's hardly a lovely man. He has used charm to get what he wants. I would not welcome him into my home. He would have to show how he has changed before I would even meet him on neutral ground

It’s entirely up to her if she wants to be in this relationship and work it out BUT you don’t have to house him You can offer her a home but she ll have to sort her relationship out from outside your home and either they live together somewhere else or she stays at yours and sees him as a boyfriend (if she wants to be in this relationship)

It seems as if you’re on your own in not wanting him around the rest of the family and your partner see it differently to you are you sure you re not reading more into it If he has a bad back perhaps he was going for sports massages…. who knows ?
She needs to stop drinking if she’s in your home too as that will blur all edges

I couldnt be around any man who does this. It's fine to put your own boundaries in place whilst still offering support to your daughter.

It sounds an abusive relationship to me. Where he takes and she gives.

I am with Bluebelle and totally agree with her first paragraph.

My DD separated from the father of her second child 4 years ago. (After a difficult delivery with the older DC she risked her life and health to have this child they both wanted.) He was emotionally abusive, has stopped paying maintenance for their DS - so that he could buy himself (alone) a 3 bed house this year - and has been increasingly unreliable with child care arrangements when she is at work - for the NHS throughout the pandemic - so that she often has to rearrange at short notice or drive to another pickup point when he has left the DCs with extended family without telling her. She has had to work part time as a result and consequently is really struggling financally. I have written several letters to him trying to explain the strain he is putting on DD - who has recently been diagnosed with severe thyroid deficiency - but have not sent any of them as I am unable to remove the anger and DD says that, if he perceives a hint of criticism it makes his behaviour even worse. I cannot be in the same room with the man and certainly could not have him to visit. DH feels the same. We agree with Bluebell.

He sounds like a sociopath to me (I’m not a doctor, I’m just saying that how he sounds.) Sociopaths come across as lovely, professional, believable people, but they use use and abuse other people for their own gain and suffer no guilt. I’m sorry but I have no advice to offer because until your daughter realises that she is being used and abused there is nothing you can do.

your daughter has made herself homeless by spending all her money on this man..I assume the 4 daughters are self supporting.. if she wishes to continue the relationship with him, I agree with Bluebelle, she should growup and find somewhere with him to live and not expect you to house them both. Then they can see ifthey can live together with trust and without having to resort to drink

VioletSky

I would be concerned she is in an emotionally abusive relationship with someone who is gaslighting and manipulating her from the information shared...

These people are masters at appearing "wonderful" to others and making their victims look bad, even to their own families

I agree with you VioletSky ... plus I would add that she may well be addicted to him. OP's partner has said she's a "drama queen" and she may be addicted to the drama of the relationship which can seem romantic with extreme highs and lows. The drama makes the addict feel alive.

For NannaChirley - it's heartbreaking for you and very stressful. All you can do is pick up the pieces if you still want to keep up contact with her, because it seems she will choose him over you or other family members. She doesn't want to hear the "sensible message". She is like an alcoholic not wanting to hear that she has to give up drink.... and in fact you mention that she's a heavy drinker so it seems she has an addictive personality.

I'm sorry but I believe, from your account. your daughter is unstable; your partner is accurate in describing her as: 'a drama queen, insecure and drinks too much.'
She must be in her fifties, has frittered away a good divorce settlement, has no security and now is homeless.

Take her in if you wish, but not the partner; you will only become embroiled in their relationship. If she won't live without him they must find somewhere together, and it may be the making of them, having to live off their own earnings.

eazybee

I'm sorry but I believe, from your account. your daughter is unstable; your partner is accurate in describing her as: 'a drama queen, insecure and drinks too much.'
She must be in her fifties, has frittered away a good divorce settlement, has no security and now is homeless.

Take her in if you wish, but not the partner; you will only become embroiled in their relationship. If she won't live without him they must find somewhere together, and it may be the making of them, having to live off their own earnings.

I would agree she has made her bed, no way would I let an adult child bring a partner to live with me, just imagine if he only works one week in 4 he will be with you!.

Your daughter is an alcoholic who blames her addiction on him

She is going to be homeless but beggars cannot be choosers

He is bad for her and viceversa

If you give her accommodations, you free up money for her drinking - enabling

She got herself in this mess in a long period of time, she needs to admit she is an alcoholic and get sober

You cannot rescue her from herself

She doesnt know how to manage money and she lets others take advantage of her

If she moves in, he will too and both will suck you dry and will have to evict them

Protect yourself

Crikey if I found out my partner was paying for sex I would probably take anything to wipe out my knowledge of that information.

Red flags for me in your post. Your daughter came away from a 25 year marriage with a good financial settlement. After getting together with an old school friend and starting a relationship she began frittering away her money on holidays, nice cars , long weekends away using her money to pay for both of them. It seems that the businesses they started also folded probably they were not managed too well. I will not go into everything you wrote about but it sounds like they have both got relationship problems to deal with. If I were you I would think carefully about offering to take your daughter back into your home. You should make it clear that you have no intention of housing her partner under your roof and taking them on with all their problems. You have said he is a lovely man and maybe he is but the both of them have made ongoing bad decisions around their finances why should you bail them out of their debts?

Op

You think a cheater and moocher is a lovely man?

I think they should go to one of HIS relatives, if he has any that'll have him!!!

I would never see my DD homeless, but I most certainly wouldn't have him living in my house.

He sounds a nightmare.😗

Why should you consent to a grown woman, daughter or not, moving in and expecting to spend the rest of her or your life living with you?

She used her money in ways you felt were unwise, now she has none - that is the bottom line of her financial situation.

She drinks too much. Has she acknowledged this herself? Are you going to buy drink for her?

She wants to move in bringing a man she said she left because he commited adultery. You do not want him in your house, so say so.

She claims he never did anything wrong and that she just made it all up!

Is your daughter a pathelogical liar and have you never noticed this before?

A sensible reading of your post suggests that he did do the things she told you were her reason for leaving him. Now she is saying he didn't because she is prepared to take him back.

So stand firm. Neither with or without this man can she move into your home, even temporarily. She is an adult and so is he. If she is prepared to condone past infidelity, that is her business and if he is prepared to condone that she lied about him, that is his. He is an adult too. They both can and should sort their lives out for themselves, including whre they are going to live, and what they are going to live on.

Don't be guilt tripped into "helping out" here. He and she have used her money as they pleased and it is now gone. There is no need to let them use yours.

NannaChirley, you say "immediately" entered a new "relationship". Your daughter may well depend on her self-esteem upon being in a sexual relationship no matter how this dependency started.

Please try to get you daughter to understand that a sexual relationship is not necessary to be loved and lovable, and most people are content with friendship. Moreover the young woman does not have to buy her relationships whether sexual or platonic.