Equal treatment at different ages.

M0nica

littleflo what if the parenting is damaging the child? I would stick to 'respecting their parenting mostly'

I think unless they are abusing the children that "mostly" could get you cut off from seeing them at all!

No… I treated my children differently and my grandchildren ….apart from pocket money …they all get / got the same. A bag of sweets costs as much for the youngest as for the oldest! But they got shoes/coats /school bags when needed , not dependant on age or sex. I always took time to explain the situation to them.
Xmas presents I don’t spend the same amount of money on them as there is a five year age gap …. but I try to make the same amount of parcels each. I buy what they want if possible . If something is too expensive for my wallet I’ll explain that to them. They never seem jealous or envious when one gets a pressie and others don’t… they just shrug…..I took a ‘starting new school ‘ pressie in for my granddaughter tin September …she loved it ….my grandson was staring sixth form college and I told him I couldn’t afford two such pressies …he smiled and said “ I’m 16 Nan, not a baby , you don’t have to explain to me”….

Parsley3 I agree. A big hug and saying “well done” and the younger one could have a hug too. Golden rule don’t give or offer treats without asking the parents if it’s OK first.

On this occasion I think winning( plus the prize of course) is enough- no need for a gift. But in general it is not always possible or sensible to treat children equally in the sense the parents seem to expect. However that is not really your call.

If you are looking after just one child, I can’t see why the other should get any sort of equivalent: their turn will come on another occasion.

The 10 year old has won a competition and it isn't treating them unequally to congratulate her.
If the other did well you would congratulate them.

Why do they need money though?
The reward is winning the competition, surely?

Have the parents said you can't congratulate your granddaughter? That would seem odd to me.

I don't think Valeriekent you have quite explained the "treating as equals" thing.

Does it really mean you can't congratulate one of them?

My grandmother treated my sister and I differently because she saw that my sister was treated as the golden princess by my parents Treating me as her special favourite was her attempt at compensation. One of her sayings was "There is no one up there handing out fairness!"

Goodness! As grandparents we are afraid to move, these days. What happened to the wisdom of age? At 6 we are not 'equal' to when we are 10. Why can't the 10 year old feel special? Why do so many individuals in so many spheres have to be considered to such a degree that they have to be shielded from reality? (I will not mention what 'spheres' I'm thinking about!) One day the 6 year old will be 10 and will have achievements of their own - they may well achieve something of their own quite soon. IMO we have to face a few challenges in life and times when we are not 'on top.' Having said this, I would run it by the parents, explain it to the little one and give them a little treat, too ('cos I'm a softy I guess!)

I have 3 boys. If they complained it 'wasn't fair I'd tell them life wasn't fair, and they needed to get used to it. (But always tried to make sure everyone got an equal share over a period of time)

I have a similar problem in that the other grandparents always give both children a present on their birthdays. I don't agree with this as it is one day of the year which is special to each individual child.
They have to learn also that life isn't always fair. It is a hard lesson but an important one.
Having said that I agree you have to do what the parents want as it is their child.

I agree you can find a way of celebrating the win in an inclusive way but I don't agree with the parent's rule.
There is only a 22 month difference in age between my children yet the older one got to stay up just a little later than the younger - I deliberately differentiated because their capabilities and understanding at different ages are different. In their late 30's. early 40's now, they are the best of friends so it did them no harm.
I hated it when the schools tried to make sports just about taking part, never winning. In academic subjects they could be "top of the class", but why would children try to excel at sport if they are never to know the glory of winning? I think differentiation is important so that children play to their individual strengths and achieve accordingly.
I learned to resent my brother because as the elder child I was expected to look out for my younger sibling yet we were treated the same otherwise. My china teaset was thrown in the bin once because I wouldn't share with him (he was 4 years younger and always throwing things about and even though I protested that he might break it, my opinion wasn't considered relevent). Also, everything I fought for (increased pocket money for example) he got automatically.
I grew up resenting rather than celebrating my brother - such a shame!

Surely if someone, even a child has done something well it isn't wrong to reward them. To treat both the same is wrong. Wonder how the parents will treat them if one is excellent at school and the other not such a high achiever. We are not all equal, tough life out there. A not too elaborate gift to acknowledge GDs achievement with a very small gift to the younger to include her in celebrating her sister is reasonable to me.

Babyshark

I don’t agree with parents rule, but you need to follow it.

Yes, this. It's not your job to go against their wishes. Just a card maybe?

4allweknow

Surely if someone, even a child has done something well it isn't wrong to reward them. To treat both the same is wrong. Wonder how the parents will treat them if one is excellent at school and the other not such a high achiever. We are not all equal, tough life out there. A not too elaborate gift to acknowledge GDs achievement with a very small gift to the younger to include her in celebrating her sister is reasonable to me.

At school my parents rewarded the effort and not the outcome. After exams and similar, the whole family went out to celebrate the hard work that the exam taker had put in and the fact that the stress was now over. Of course good results got a "well done" but not gifts or rewards. We are all high achievers and remain close siblings.

Shelf life totally agree , my sons in laws buy present for all 4 grandchildren when it’s one of the children’s birthdays . I don’t agree a birthday should be special and children need to realise that sometimes they don’t be getting things

I have given up trying to make sure they get equality, it was tiresome, I now send a WhatsApp message with emojis and that's it.

Valeriekent

So I think I am writing this as I would like opinions. My son and DIL are set on on treating the GC as equals, they are 6 and 10. I do respect this mostly. However the 10 year old has won a competition and I want to congratulate her and give her a small financial reward. I am pretty sure I will get into trouble and the younger one will complain. How best to handle this ?

So you say your son and DIL are set on treating the GC as equals, so do you not need to give a small financial reward to all four people?!

With a 6 and 10 year old there are going to be things the younger one will have to wait their turn for over the next few years.
First mobile phone? Often a rite of passage on starting high school round here.
Driving lessons? A car?

The younger child is not being prepared for real life.
The older one could well get fed up with the younger one coasting along and getting the rewards they haven't earned themself.
The younger one isn't being taught anything about effort and reward. The outside world is going to come as a nasty shock 😥
In trying to be fair to both children, the parents are actually not being fair to either 😕

I don't treat my GCs equally but I do try to treat them appropriately. There are 6 children in my older daughter's family, they each get a present on their birthday and they get a present at Christmas. When they were little I bought them what their parents said they would like, not always of the same value. These days they prefer cash, so it's easy to give the same amount to each. However, when they have reached significant birthdays eg 17 (for driving lessons), 18 and 21 I have been a lot more generous. However, I wouldn't go against parents wishes, not worth the hassle!

What's the harm in having a family celebration to celebrate the elder child's achievement? If you're not loaded, a tasty cake would be appreciated, if you can afford it then take everyone, or both children, out for a meal. The little one can see the sibling's achievement is being celebrated but it's a fun family affair. You could always toast the success with orange juice or something?

Valeriekent
Could you perhaps 'collude' with the 6yr old and make a card then choose a little treat together for the 10yr old?

I think you could buy a lovely card and say how proud you are of her...

I was never given anything by my parents for winning prizes. I didn't expect it. What about children who never win anything even though they try? Presents or treats from your parents or your gran should be free just because they love you for yourself not something that depends on you achieving anything. And children should be treated equally so they know they are loved equally whatever their individual characters and qualities

If the parents don't want you to do it, don't do it.
As for preparing kids for the world, yes ofc, but also each generation changes the world. Whether for the better or worse will always be a matter of opinion. Should those who win get all the rewards? Should those who struggle always be bottom of the heap? There are many ways to look at these things.

I think you have to respect the parents' wishes but it is rather sad and potentially damaging that children are being brought up to think that life is always fair and that everyone is always treated equally. They are in for a shock fairly soon. It is also likely to cause jealousy, ironically, as the children are not encouraged to be pleased for the other person. I always felt that this was one of the benefits of my having three children (even more for families with more than three children) because it was simply not possible for each child to have the same as the others all the time but they knew that they would have their turn in due course. They knew that they would be treated fairly but not necessarily at the same time. Sharing was encouraged. It seems such a shame that the older child cannot have her moment of glory celebrated on her own.
As others have already said, the younger child, at the age of six, is perfectly old enough to understand that it is her sister's chance to shine on this occasion and to be pleased for her because she can be sure that when it is her turn the same will be true for her.