Totally exhausted from babysitting GC

I totally get you. I work full time have 13 month old GC whose fab but bloody hell I don’t get paid I look after him 12 hrs a day for 3 days and his mum complains when I watch Netflix

Unfortunately it can be all too common to discover that any work done willingly that isn't paid for is rarely valued or appreciated by the recipient.

You are being taken for granted and you are at the end of your tether. You need to balance your own need for time for yourself for your own job and household chores, a reasonable social life, and a healthy work /life balance followed by a healthy retirement. So you need to decide how to divide your time and when you are available for childcare (by which I mean providing regular service for when they are working) and casual babysitting ( time while they socialise) and let your ACs know so that they have notice that your availability is reduced and can make their own plans for their needs as parents. It will be a difficult conversation but it's one that needs to be had and don't allow yourself to feel guilty either. Be prepared for a backlash, if they are selfish people.
Remind yourself that you have been the 'enabler ' here (which is how they have taken advantage). Set your limits on your time otherwise nothing will change until you are made ill and can't do it.

This! My situation is more extreme than OP’s as I provide 24/7 child care and housekeeping services for youngest DD as well as working and my reward is criticism and insults far less thanks and treats!

jenpax do you live with your daughter?

What you are experiencing could also be described as "modern day slavery."
Why do you feel you have to put up with it?
Think about it 😕

Hi Maureen
Wow! I feel your pain, you have all my sympathy. You know you're overdoing it and it's got to stop or at least cut back on all your childcare hours.
How do you do it? You say you work and do GC care during the week, as well as weekends.
You can't take care of anyone unless you self care first. Please sit down and tell your AC that you cannot continue this heavy schedule, and say what you can do.
Go on your holiday with your partner, relax and enjoy some time together.
I have cared for my two older GC for three days a week each for a total of four years, but it was always appreciated by our DS and DIL.
This year we have our youngest DGS just.for 1 day a week, as he goes to nursery. We occasionally babysit him in their home in the evening, again showing lots of appreciation.
Good luck and let us know the outcome.

Don't give up time with your BF because of your AC and their babysitting expectations. I did and have now reached my mid 70s, on my own, and GC have all grown up with their own lives. Decide what you want. If something came along and you couldn't look after them, your AC would have to make alternative arrangements.

jenpax

Fleurpepper

This- all of the above. I am just indcredibly amazed that some ACs these days expect all this- and not a word of thanks, flowers, treats, etc, in return.

This! My situation is more extreme than OP’s as I provide 24/7 child care and housekeeping services for youngest DD as well as working and my reward is criticism and insults far less thanks and treats!

I am so sorry about this jenpax.

One question- and I know the answer is probably very complex. But why do you, and many other grand-parents agree to this?

You shouldn't have to lie or make excuses - just say it is more than you can manage. You thought you could but now you find it's impossible.
Your AC will understand I feel sure.

I agree with what other people have said, Better to end up with a short time enjoying being with the grandchildren than a long time which takes its toll of you and your relationships and your health in the long term. So time to look and see what interests and courses are available to you now. Learn something you have always fancied doing but never had the time before, so you might learn bridge or backgammon or go dancing or painting or whatever. Book the course and start on it and then you can say pleasantly, oh sorry you are not available on tuesdays and fridays etc. Then progress to having a day out with these new friends or your partner just to go for a walk or drive down that road you never tried before. So you are still around to do things with your grandchildren, but in a manner that is more fair and will not end up in resentment. Of course your children may resent the loss of their free childminder on tap, but eventually you may get to a point where they appreciate you and your grandchildren are happy to be with you and may learn some of your new skills too. Carrying on as you are doing, seems to me to be a recipe for , resentment, ill health and possibly ending up where you do not feel able to be involved with the grandchildren at all which would be a shame. You want to have a relationship with them where they are pleased and happy to see you and share in things you enjoy, not to be seen as the ever available dogsbody who will give up her own life and pleasure and health for these rather selfish children. Practise this next month and then your new years resolution of not being available at the drop of a hat will be easier to fulfill. Good luck and let ups know how it goes!

I agree! I find babysitting exhausting. I have a 22 month okd Granddaughter who I adore but after a short time with her I feel so tired!
I’m over 70, reasonably fit but I feel I need a rest after after going over for ‘playtime.’

Jenpax think about what you are prepared to do and don’t do any more. Behaviour like you describe is unacceptable.

I really don't understand why you've let them take advantage of you like this -which is precisely what they're doing. I have 6 grandchildren and told both son and daughter exactly what I was prepared to do. If I babysat for them to go to work, then once a month at the weekend for them to have a night out was enough. If you carry on like this you'll make yourself ill and will be no good to any of them. Put your big girls pants on and tell them exactly what you're prepared to do -no negotiations!

Fleurpepper

This- all of the above. I am just indcredibly amazed that some ACs these days expect all this- and not a word of thanks, flowers, treats, etc, in return.

This! My situation is more extreme than OP’s as I provide 24/7 child care and housekeeping services for youngest DD as well as working and my reward is criticism and insults far less thanks and treats!

Fairycakes we know that these things all come from a good place. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Try to say "no" a bit more now you know they are all capable of managing!

Just tell them - it’s too much and decide on day or hours YOU can manage.
You have your life and they have taken advantage.
We all love to help our children and Grandchildren, eg I could not have managed this weekend without my Partner helping me and we only had the children 1.5 days and one night!
You deserve to spend your time with your man friend too but that’s another story …
They have brought this on themselves - just tell them.
And what lucky dear Gc you have xxx

Thats just rude

Organise a winter holiday with the BF. You won’t be available for at least a week and let them know you are going to cut down on the childcare going forward.

Wow i know how you feel hun i think the more you the more you are put on get a time to discuss your needs and be honest about what you can and cant do its not a given that grandparents are at their childrens beck and call xx rooting for you

You need to have a clean break - a week off (working people do..!) - They will have to figure out a way to cope without you for at least a few days. You can get a little pause and think what you are able to do while retaining some enjoyment in life. Then tell them. Going on like this is not an option - there'll either be a real nasty row or a serious health crisis.

I do probably an equal amount of childcare to you and it is tiring and lifestyle restricting at times. The difference is my hardworking daughter never stops thanking me and making me feel appreciated. Her narc husband left her with 2 kids to bring up so I’d rather she gets to keep her wages than give them all to a childminder. She knows if she ever came out with the entitled bilge I hear on Mumsnet, my role would end.

If I were you I would tell her calmly that it has become to much and “this is what I can offer”. Say your GP has advised you to ease up if it makes you feel better. Also, you should be able to spend time with your partner whenever you wish, no restrictions. Don’t want to be gloomy but you never know how much time you’ve got when you get to our age.

I am in broad agreement with Deba except to say that becoming a grandparent isn't a 'privilege', it is something that happens to many older people whether they want it or not. of course there are people who would love to be grandparents but never are, but it is no different from anything else in life, there are things we get that others don't and things other people get that we don't.

Grammaretto

I have a word for people like those who tell us on GN how much they do Dcba
I call it competitive martyrdom.

We all like to feel useful but some of us like others to know just how big our sacrifices are.

I find your post extremely sarcastic and bullying. Gransnet is a forum for anyone, if you don't like the subject don't read it, follow or make judgemental comments on the post, its nasty and rude.

Poor you , you really have to decide yourself what you can do , taking into account you work etc , it may be that as you have said nothing they think you are happy to continue , start saying no

Dcba

Why do so many of the ‘grandparent’ age women readers think it’s a privilege to become part time carers for their infant and school age grandchildren? Undoubtedly it’s a privilege to be a grandmother …..but why do so many cross that line and then become ‘poor me’ doormats for their grown up children to be taken advantage of? The end result is the ever growing moaning, groaning ‘I’m exhausted’ posts that reach out to this site!
I suppose it’s good to have an outlet to be able to vent when you’re close to breaking point, frustrated and miserable etc., but it’s a subject that keeps coming up so often on this site - and it’s getting a bit repetitive because the advice is always the same……explained in twenty different way …….but still the same advice ……RESPECT YOURSELF AND LEARN TO SAY NO,

Take no notice of the grumpy Gransnetters, they didn't have to read your post, as they find it covers a repetitive subject.
Gransnet is a safe space to vent and ask for ideas. I know how you feel and feel for you. You love your family and want to help, but it just sometimes seems a never ending ask...
It might be a good plan to drop hints that you are spending more time with your man friend and either they let him meet your DGC or you can't look after them at the weekends. Also after a night babysitting maybe tell them you will drop DGC off first thing in the morning as you are meeting manfriend at 9am... worth a try xx

I remember your other post EHM. (I can't find it now)
It was one of the most interesting posts on GN.
Your daughter walked in your house and discovered you had a BF. There was hell to play with all of your AC! You must have really spoiled them as children to treat you so poorly. I think you and your BF (who seemed very nice) should move away so you can no longer be put upon.

I don't want to be seen as a martyr. I should have looked after myself better and set boundaries. I jeopardised my health for no reason because while I have been ill the family has coped superbly without me. If I had set boundaries in the first place, they would have made other arrangements and I would not be struggling with my health. 🥴