Totally exhausted from babysitting GC

No wonder you're exhausted OP . I do think the AC take the mick these days when babysitting for a night out blends into half of the next day as well ! If our DPs ever babysat it was at our house then they went home when we got in . You will have to put some restrictions on the amount of care you're giving .We cared for 2 of our now school age GKs quite alot with overnight stays etc - not as much a you're doing - but now we hardly see them ! Only at family get togethers when all the family are there. So that's made me very wary of getting to attached to any future GKs. You must put clear time schedule in for the new year . You have your own life and you're fortunate to have a new partner who will hopefully be with you long after the GKs are off your hands . You need to plan time for the two of you xx

So what have you done, OP?

Your post says you are totally exhausted, you have been ill and enjoyed the peace and quiet; you have a kind partner and selfish adult children who have shown they can't manage without you.
So set your guidelines; help during the week on your terms but absolutely no babysitting at weekends; that time is reserved for your partner .Any criticism of you and him and the weekly help goes. You can't allow them to treat you like this, and I believe your daughter in law is on your side, so be firm.

As for them trying to dictate whether you have a boyfriend “or them” - well that’s disgusting behaviour on their part. They are adults behaving like small children.

Your post has left me exhausted just reading it! No wonder you’re on your knees. I’m afraid your adult children are being totally selfish. They chose the life they have, ie, having children, so in truth they are the ones who should have the majority of the responsibility in bringing them up and arranging child care rather than expect you to do so much of it. Helping out is one thing, being “mother” whilst they live a life akin to one before having children is quite another. You need to put strict ground rules in place and stick to them. Your AC have to take much more responsibility for their children. A worn out, ill, grandparent is what you’ll become if you carry on as you are.

It really is so sad to hear all these stories of GMs who take on too much because they want to help their AC as much as they can. Then, when they realise they are finding it very hard/exhausting, they fear upsetting their AC if they say they need to scale back on the childcare. I understand this is very difficult, particularly if you're caring for GKs whilst their parents are working and they have no other options, or can't afford nursery/childminders.

When my DS & DiL moved to be closer to both sets of GPs, they struggled to find childcare. Both GMs said, if they couldn't sort anything out, we would share the childcare between us throughout the week. All I can say now is, thank God that they did find a wonderful childminder! I absolutely worship my little GKs, but having them on the odd occasion has made me realise that there's no way I would've coped having them 2-3 full days each week. I'm so exhausted after just a few hours! It's non stop! I take my hat off to any GM who does this, and some do far more!

I think many of us are initially pleased that, when our AC have their own babies, they still need us, so we go along with offering up our free time to help them out as much as possible. For some, this often escalates to be more than they'd ever planned for, or can cope with. We all need balance in our lives, and that goes for GPs as well as our AC.

EHM, I hope you reassess how much childcare you are able to do, and get some proper balance in life, especially with your lovely partner. Time waits for no one, as the saying goes, so don't waste yours on looking after the GKs, when you have a lovely man you should be spending your time with! Your ACs will find a way to cope! Good luck to you!

It does seem for some there's a fear of having to choose between feast or famine.

Hello-I’m flabbergasted at what you’re doing. You must be exhausted! Definitely, as others have said, to calmly speak to them explaining it’s now all too much and what you’re prepared to do after Christmas-minimum!
My dear sister has just had surgery; she was collecting youngest DGC from school one day a week and often having him either at her home or theirs for a full day during hols. She hasn’t been able to do this while awaiting surgery. DIL asked her when she’d be able to pick up heavy loads again! Obviously wanting her back! I advised she should speak to DS, explain surgery is a “shot across the bow” and she will not be able to start again! We’ll see! Of course she’s fearful they’ll withhold contact 😞

Personality plays a large part in all this. Many GPs set out to be helpful, tending to push ourselves to cope when looking after GC gets more exhausting. It snowballs; AC don’t see our perspective & in my case ignore any hints because they don’t want to acknowledge that the childcare expectations are becoming too much. Despite one of our AC knowing full well how I felt when his brother brought GCs (5,3 & 1 yo) at 7am not 7pm for a sleepover & not collecting them till late the next afternoon, he still asked us to have his 3 & 1 yo for a sleepover, which didn’t go well as the GCs disturb each other & nobody sleeps properly.
Boundary setting is necessary but goes down like a lead balloon.
Some find it easy to say no, others of us find it hard.

EverybodyHatesMaureen

jobieP

I remember your other post EHM. (I can't find it now)
It was one of the most interesting posts on GN.
Your daughter walked in your house and discovered you had a BF. There was hell to play with all of your AC! You must have really spoiled them as children to treat you so poorly. I think you and your BF (who seemed very nice) should move away so you can no longer be put upon.

Yes that was me - I can’t find it either! I was going to do an update

So if you remember my AC dished out what was essentially an ultimatum- BF or them. I said “Well if you don’t need me anymore that’s your choice”. They reneged in about 0.2 seconds. They accept I have a BF, they haven’t met him and don’t want to meet him. Which is fine. I like having him seperate anyway. But it’s a shame as he’s amazing and is so considerate. I think he holds back A LOT WRT my AC though.

I suppose it may be a balancing act? It shouldnt have to be for you.
What can you manage, without your AC, possibly acting horribly towards you?

EverybodyHatesMaureen that worry must be why so many people are caught doing too much.

It's so much harder to cut back than it is to do a bit more.

Sad to read.
I suspect that that is the reason why many do the same.

I wouldnt like to advise.

I suppose deep down i fear that if I cut off all childcare support will I ever get a visit or a phone call. I’m too scared to find out the answer

No wonder you’re exhausted. Time to act - apart from your own health and well being, you won’t be a good, fun, safe carer for the kids if you’re too tired and resentful. Mind them one day a week, that’s what I did, and it’s plenty. Gives you and the children a lovely close relationship, and time for having fun for yourself. Stop now! They’ll be upset, but they will get over it.

It is really interesting what your partners sister has told you but it really doesn't surprise me. Women/Mothers seem so pre programmed to please other people and they are are often taken for granted.

I'm not surprised you are exhausted looking after little ones btw I'd have been furious at your son in law having a lie in whilst you carried on with the looking after!

Maybe you will hear and take action after the info from your OH’s sister, (the clinical psychologist) and step back....

Please don't become a statistic here.

EverybodyHatesMaureen

Oh and since my last thread I heard something very interesting.

I met my OH’s sister, who is a clinical psychologist. I don’t know the proper term but when a person is sectioned to a mental health unit a psychologist has to be present in their home to effectively sign off on it. She does that on something of a on-call basis. She told me middle aged and elderly women, in her experience, who are looking after GC are disproportionately represented. She has been to several where a woman my age and older is looking after young children and has had a breakdown. She also said for one when the AC turned up they were clearly more concerned with how they will not get childcare than their mum being sectioned and she had to have words

Glad you came back to the thread. Some dont.

Sounds like there are many like you.
I guess they are fearing estrangement if they dont do it all?
Or perhaps they have always gone a bit too far in looking after their children, and carry it on with grandchildren.

Interesting thread. I am currently looking after 2 small GC for 3 days ( fortunately they are in nursery during the day) whilst their parents are having to go to close family funeral ( in laws family) which is abroad. I classify this as a one off emergency so felt I had to step in with help of DH. However, I would draw the line at doing it for a jolly or holiday as it's so blooming exhausting and anxiety provoking. Im only hoping we haven't set a precedent here.

Oh and since my last thread I heard something very interesting.

I met my OH’s sister, who is a clinical psychologist. I don’t know the proper term but when a person is sectioned to a mental health unit a psychologist has to be present in their home to effectively sign off on it. She does that on something of a on-call basis. She told me middle aged and elderly women, in her experience, who are looking after GC are disproportionately represented. She has been to several where a woman my age and older is looking after young children and has had a breakdown. She also said for one when the AC turned up they were clearly more concerned with how they will not get childcare than their mum being sectioned and she had to have words

jobieP

I remember your other post EHM. (I can't find it now)
It was one of the most interesting posts on GN.
Your daughter walked in your house and discovered you had a BF. There was hell to play with all of your AC! You must have really spoiled them as children to treat you so poorly. I think you and your BF (who seemed very nice) should move away so you can no longer be put upon.

Yes that was me - I can’t find it either! I was going to do an update

So if you remember my AC dished out what was essentially an ultimatum- BF or them. I said “Well if you don’t need me anymore that’s your choice”. They reneged in about 0.2 seconds. They accept I have a BF, they haven’t met him and don’t want to meet him. Which is fine. I like having him seperate anyway. But it’s a shame as he’s amazing and is so considerate. I think he holds back A LOT WRT my AC though.

PS don’t worry I am not Maureen - my username is an in joke between me and my siblings

Thank you everybody

Thank you to those who have shared their own experiences - it’s hard isn’t it.

I need to give myself a shake and start reducing babysitting. I want to see my BF, who is retired, more than I do now.

This is going to sound very melodramatic - but I’ve had an ear infection the last 2 days and couldn’t do childcare. Despite the pain it’s been bliss having no one in the home. I do love the GC but it’s all too much.

and yes to criticism from AC - I’ve had moaning about giving GC biscuits, letting them watch cartoons and not doing phonics with them. TBF I made it clear granny’s house granny’s rules. They never quite get upset enough to forego the free childcare though.

Uggy

I totally get you. I work full time have 13 month old GC whose fab but bloody hell I don’t get paid I look after him 12 hrs a day for 3 days and his mum complains when I watch Netflix

She'd be getting a bill of between £160 to £180 a week from registered childminders round here, and we're a fairly low-charging area 🤨

(If she paid through the Tax Free Childcare account that would reduce it to between £128 to £144 as she would pay 80%, the government would pay the difference).

I think some grans need to have a long hard think about self-worth and valuing themselves. It's so sad to read of people not only being taken for granted, but disrespected as well ☹️

I look after him 12 hrs a day for 3 days and his mum complains when I watch Netflix

And what is your response to that?

I don't understand grandmothers who do this. It's as if we don't have a life of our own to lead.
I was once asked to take leave to look after gc to save mother from doing it. I just said no, my leave was important to me. (working fulltime)
I love my grandchildren, and love time with them, but my leave is as important as the parents.
you need to speak up for yourself.