Returning to shift work after retirement

He's said he'd pack it in if you asked him to so you've got to weigh up if your feelings of loneliness are stronger than any guilt you'd feel asking him to stop. At the moment, they don't appear to. I dont think he'd take offence to be asked to get something that fits into both your routines. Men are simpler in their likes and dislikes so feel no guilt and help him find something else. He obviously needs to keep his brain occupied which is good isn't it?

Powerful words madeleine45!
You've given me lots to think about as well 🙂

madeleine45 thank you for your reply. You've given me lots to think about

I think there were mixed messages going on here. The fact that you didnt immediately say what about our agreement or I thought we agreed no shitt work or some such comment would have led to you both being able to check what you thought you had agreed to, to be able to give reasons why this might have changed or your wishes have changed. So I do feel that by not disagreeing with him applying for the job your tacit agreement is going to be assumed. So there are various things that I think it would be worth your while discussing when you are in a calm mood , so that it doesnt turn into a slanging match or become a major problem. Firstly I think you both want to state your views on the present situation, so perhaps he is worried about money as we are all struggling with cost of living at the moment. If you get worried at the fact that your pension is not going up but the costs are perhaps he sees it as making the most of the chance to earn a bit extra while he still can. Maybe he was getting quite bored with what he does now he is retired, doesnt have any new interests or misses the company he had with other workers which gave a change of scene compared to now being totally at home with the same person all the time. You also need to look at your own situation and I think it would be only fair to say that you are finding it hard especially as it is the weekends and perhaps suggest that you both might keep looking out for some part time work in the week somewhere so that you could retrieve the weekend , but accept that it would have been better and more honest to have talked about this and been more open before he even applied for the job. Now it is a fait accompli, you need to negotiate a way round this. So from your point of view I would suggest that you look at what you could enjoy doing on your own or with other friends. Perhaps you enjoy something that he does not so perhaps you like visiting gardens or swimming or taking a language course or whatever. So if they were not at the weekend then why dont you switch your week round? If you see saturday and sunday as days for jobs , housework shopping or whatever catching up on paperwork , not to let him out of doing his share of things but doing the mundane things so that the midweek becomes your free time that you can share together. However much you love each other and enjoy your time together, we all need to be able to live our own lives and not expect that there will always be someone else to share things with. My husband died 6 years ago and I still miss him very much. We had a lot in common and did much together but I also had my own interests and am glad that I am still singing and travelling and reading. I now enjoy playing whist once a week with a very good group, which gives me company as well as a game and have literally just begun to learn chess 2 weeks ago, so whatever you are interested in there is always a lot of clubs and groups and on line things you can get involved with . I think you have to be honest and try out some of these sorts of ideas and see if you can feel less resentful about your husbands work and see it as providing a little more income and also he is keeping alive and interested in the world and that is important for us all. If you have no special thing you want to try then there are many charities who would appreciate some help. Lots of charity shops are open at the weekend and you would be welcomed with open arms to help out in one of the shops , where again you would meet new people and have something to contribute and it would also remind you how lucky you actually are to have a home and a husband and the choice to do as you want to, which many do not. We often dont realize some of the gifts we have been given, so I used to be able to sleep all night and could run and was quite a quick walker and would dash about doing things. Well now due to my back etc, rarely if ever get a whole nights sleep, couldnt run if you paid me and have to work out what I can manage to do before I need to sit down etc. I am not moaning about it but I am glad that I can look back and remember lots of things I have done in the past, and been glad of the many great places I have travelled to in the past. One last thought is that you might try a little experiment. You could try for a month say, going out for two days a week when he is at home. Either actually go on a course or arrange to go and visit friends or a new town or whatever. Dont be antagonistic about it , just say oh you will be out on tuesday and wednesday and will need the car or whatever. deliberately do this for at least 4 weeks so that it is not just one odd time and then he is actually shown what it is like to be on his own unexpectedly. If he gets annoyed or miserable about it then you can say well this is what I mean , this is how I feel when you are away and you can go on from there to work out a better plan. However be warned , it could backfire !! He could enjoy your being out, so perhaps you also need to think of things like jobs needing doing , catches mended, cupboards sorted perhaps some painting doing. If he complains about it then you remind him that you spend your weekends doing jobs etc that he doesnt even acknowledge. Well i wish you good luck but personally I do think that finding new things to enjoy with new people but more importantly being happy in your own skin is the best gift you can give yourself and you know if and when the day comes that you are alone in your life you can look back and know that you CAN cope and live a life worth living.

Nanny2859

Juicylucy

Surely if your both retired the week days and nights are still free for you to do things together. When retired I guess weekends are not that precious any more as you have weekday freedom.

We babysit DGC for a couple of days each week

Honestly, I don’t understand what the issue is. You’re together when you look after your grandchildren, so you’re only apart now for two days a week, when you’re at work. If he wants to return to work it will only affect Saturday night, Sunday, and Monday morning, and he will only actually be out of the house for 20ish hours a week which is similar to what you do yourself- that’s not a lot to ask if he’s doing a job he enjoys. I think compromise is the way forward, why not volunteer to work weekends and Mondays, which will maximise your time together?

Sundays were our day off together that we tried to keep free to go for a bike ride together, have a chilled afternoon, followed by a Sunday roast at home or at a pub with some good wine

4allweknow

My DH not only worked shifts but for 6 years he was away for weeks at a time with very little notice, police force too. Once retired he found jobs very easily not involving shift work. Had he taken shifts I would have been livid having felt I had done my stint of managing on my own. Are your Saturdays and Sundays usually busy or are they pretty stay at home mostly? If busy then you will be missing out. I certainly would be saying something. If usually spent at home then not quite so bad but for me it is a definite he is being selfish. Tell him to search elsewhere for something to occupy himself.

Thank you

I can't see that Harris27 but maybe I've missed it.

Nitspaghetti having re read this I see she did speak up.

Juicylucy

Surely if your both retired the week days and nights are still free for you to do things together. When retired I guess weekends are not that precious any more as you have weekday freedom.

We babysit DGC for a couple of days each week

Ziplok

Just a thought, Nanny2859, but as you say you can choose when you are available to do bank work, can you do it at night on the nights your DH works - or is it just available during the day?
Of course, you might not want to work nights, which I can understand, but if you are OK doing so, this might be a solution. (I’m assuming nursing when you say you do bank work).

My job is only day shifts and I'm trying to get more shifts on a Sunday to see if that's better but it depends if my work needs me on those days. It's not nursing, it's in a call centre.

I don't think I'd cope with working nights due to already suffering from constant tiredness but it's a good idea otherwise.

nipsmum

Have you always been this needy? Is it something that has got worse as you have got older.? A husband working night duties is not unusual. Lots of people are managing with partners who work odd hours. Is there a reason you don't.

Thank you so much for such supportive comments!! I've coped with 30 years of shift work. The last 3 years since DH retired have shown me how much happier I am when I am not spending evenings, nights and weekends on my own. If I don't want to feel this way again I'm sorry if that makes me "needy".

Just a thought, Nanny2859, but as you say you can choose when you are available to do bank work, can you do it at night on the nights your DH works - or is it just available during the day?
Of course, you might not want to work nights, which I can understand, but if you are OK doing so, this might be a solution. (I’m assuming nursing when you say you do bank work).

We've been together since we were at school and he is my best friend.

All those years of DH working shifts have shown me that, at weekends, other people are busy with their own partners and families and don't really have time for people outside their families, which is as it should be.

I want to spend time with DH, is that really so bad? It would be easier for me if I wasn't bothered about spending time with him but I'm kind of glad that I do still want to spend time with him after 40 years together.

I have undertaken many hours of CBT already due to an abusive childhood and am in a pretty good place right now.

Taking up new hobbies and interests is good but how many of these run just at the weekend?

And yes if DH dies before me I do worry how I will cope but hopefully that will be a while off.

Thank you for your supportive comments

I work bank work so can choose when I am available for work. I try to work just one or two days per week because I want to spend more time with DH.
I have always struggled with feeling lonely when DH was working throughout 30 years of shift work and that loneliness disappeared when he retired. I found it really hard when I realised that the cause of the loneliness that I'd suffered from for so many years was the shift work. I'm now in the position where I'm feeling that way again and it's hard to accept after being free from that for 3 years.

I would love not to be bothered about him working night shifts at the weekend; it would make things easier all around but it does bother me. I'm sorry if "miserable and lonely" seems like an overreaction to you.
I also sleep very poorly when DH is not there so being tired just makes everything harder to cope with. Again this is something I have struggled with for 30 years before this new job.

Always look on the bright side of life!

Have you got fixed hours OP where your weekends are your only days off, or are you retired too?

This would be the major factor for me.

If you’re working all the hours in the week and weekends are the only time to reconnect with your DH then yes, it’s a bit shocking he’s taken the graveyard shifts.

If you’re also retired or never worked outside the home, then I think you could adapt and use your time at the weekends to develop your own interests and friend group without having to factor in your DH.
It’s a great opportunity to do what you want to do.

If you’re really struggling with loneliness and misery, then maybe you need to put your eggs into more than one basket ie your DH as the solution for that.

What’s your social life like?
Have you unresolved issues that some cognitive behavioural therapy might be useful for.

It’s not usual for someone to be so codependent that they’re miserable and lonely without just one person.

Think ahead and build resilience. You might not be aware but quite often husbands die before their wives and being resilient and happy within yourself can have huge benefits going forward.

Embrace change and use this opportunity to future proof your own sense of self and happiness.

ExaltedWombat

An ex-policeman can make good money, but it will probably be doing police-type work, which may not fit into a 9-5 schedule.
Anyway, aren't older people reluctant to go out in the evenings anyway? We've found there's little point in scheduling evening performances now, the mature audience only want to come to matinees. Enjoy the afternoons he ISN'T working!

I absolutely love your name...

An ex-policeman can make good money, but it will probably be doing police-type work, which may not fit into a 9-5 schedule.
Anyway, aren't older people reluctant to go out in the evenings anyway? We've found there's little point in scheduling evening performances now, the mature audience only want to come to matinees. Enjoy the afternoons he ISN'T working!

nipsmum

Have you always been this needy? Is it something that has got worse as you have got older.? A husband working night duties is not unusual. Lots of people are managing with partners who work odd hours. Is there a reason you don't.

Have you always been this needy? Is it something that has got worse as you have got older.? A husband working night duties is not unusual. Lots of people are managing with partners who work odd hours. Is there a reason you don't.

... gosh, that's not very nice - diagnosing the OP as needy.

I think you are so cross with him that you have not thought this through. Take some deep breaths and think rationally. The job could re-invigorate your husband who might be finding retirement a bit boring. You sound as if you require rather a lot of attention, reading back through your post. How can you turn this perceived negative into a positive? He would probably be really proud of you if you found something interesting to do when he is not available and you would both have interesting things to talk to each other about. Many ladies reading this column are terribly lonely and would give anything to have their husbands back with them. So what am I saying? Be grateful for what you have. Enjoy the time you have with your husband. You are making it all about you and your feelings. Treat what is left of your lives as an adventure and give thanks for each other every day.

I guess he’s cashing in on the overtime payments on top of a policemen’s pension this will go towards some great holidays and suchlike. I’m supposing he’s young and needs to work at something still.

Surely if your both retired the week days and nights are still free for you to do things together. When retired I guess weekends are not that precious any more as you have weekday freedom.

Have you always been this needy? Is it something that has got worse as you have got older.? A husband working night duties is not unusual. Lots of people are managing with partners who work odd hours. Is there a reason you don't.

shift work is bad for anyone especially over 50.He's had a lifetime of being in an institution, very tough for some folk to give it up.Why not tell he to turn round at 30 years of what really is an awful job and say hello to an easier life?