To be blindsided by DNA test?.

Iam64

Bella23 - agree with your post. We do have posters who are qualified lawyers and therapists who offered constructive advice to the OP. VioletSky seemed to see this as ‘taking over a thread’. Her ‘they die anyway’ comment seems particularly inappropriate on a forum largely aimed at and used by, older people.

Yes, GSM knows her onions, and her post was carefully crafted to be informative and it was thoughtful and kind. Buttonjugs had an awful shock and this was just the kind of reassurance she probably needed.

Buttonjugs If you can, let us know how you are. If you are unable to but are still reading, I really hope you're getting over the shock of this 'revelation' and have found some comfort from the messages on here.

GSM the voice of reason as always .

Germanshepherdsmum

It’s a great shame that a thread containing support and advice for the OP was turned into something else altogether and that GNHQ saw fit to delete posts which continued to support the OP in favour of those which supported her son and hinted that she was to blame for his addiction. I hope the OP has seen past that and felt the support and encouragement which so many tried to give her.

👏👏👏

It’s a great shame that a thread containing support and advice for the OP was turned into something else altogether and that GNHQ saw fit to delete posts which continued to support the OP in favour of those which supported her son and hinted that she was to blame for his addiction. I hope the OP has seen past that and felt the support and encouragement which so many tried to give her.

Bella23 - agree with your post. We do have posters who are qualified lawyers and therapists who offered constructive advice to the OP. VioletSky seemed to see this as ‘taking over a thread’. Her ‘they die anyway’ comment seems particularly inappropriate on a forum largely aimed at and used by, older people.

GSM and others sorry your posts got deleted. As usual the ones who caused trouble on threads play innocent . Those who give good advice are deleted.

OP about time this thread ended it's going no where GSM knows what's she's talking about .

And stop putting links to things . I got trolled by clicking on one 3 years ago.

They die anyway

How inappropriate a comment is that. Shame on you violetsky.

I agree Doodledog. We all know about getting deleted when trying to get back to what the stream was about. Quite a lot of us have had it happen in the last few days.
Sometimes ideas are given that others think will make the op feel worse. They like anyone else on this forum should be able to voice their views without being taken down.
One rule for one, another rule is being applied to the many because of someone who thinks they are an amateur psychiatrist or CBT counsellor. Any of us could become one by doing a course, no medical degree is needed few if any GCSE are needed.

It is frightening that someone can manipulate the forum in such a way. It is not giving balanced ideas from a wide range of grans with so many deletions.
They could push the op towards considering something drastic. Then who would be to blame?
Not the ones who tried to get back to the original post.

One way to ensure that other thoughts or opinions are unwelcome is to get them deleted 🙄.

VioletSky

Sadly once certain people take over a thread and make any other thoughts or opinions unwelcome by whatever means necessary

They die anyway

We were simply reminding you that the issue is not about the OP's relationship with her son, or his slide into addiction.

She's shocked at 'news' that has shattered her belief in his paternity - one she has obviously held for nearly 50 years, and that has shaken her.

So the matter is not about addiction, or the stereotyping of addicts, or therapy sessions in order to 'heal'. She's trying to work out the probabilities and possibilities relating to his birth and the heir-hunters involvement.

Can you not see that?

Buttonjugs, as you know your son can lie about things, maybe it's best to just assume that what you've just heard is inaccurate. I can't see any point in questioning your earlier assumptions now anyway. If your son is determined to find his father, then it's up to him to register on a DNA database. I suspect he's just trying to rattle you, though, so show no interest.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Thanks Cossy, it’s unfair and inaccurate to say addiction is largely caused by childhood trauma. It’s also wrong to see family therapy as the way forward in the OP’s situation. She’s been honest and shown courage to set out the circumstances in which her son was conceived. I hope you’ve read the positive and supportive comments here buttonjugs. Look after yourself

Yes, the deletions on this thread have distorted the conversation, which we were trying to move back to being about the OP.

Germanshepherdsmum

You are absolutely right Cressida. My post to that effect was deleted, along with others. It’s not about the son at all. It’s about Mum.

👆 This!

Hold fast Buttonjugs.

I wish you peace of mind.

You are absolutely right Cressida. My post to that effect was deleted, along with others. It’s not about the son at all. It’s about Mum.

OP, you were a child and he was an adult.
I'd write what that is but I'm guessing it would be deleted, so maybe look at it in a different way, he was...what he was, he was also a non existent dad, never contributed or played a part.

He sounds like an absolute disgrace as well as what he was...maybe look it as a lucky escape.

I can't help feeling that some of you aren't really focusing on the OP's dilemma.

This isn't about the son at all it's about the way buttonjugs can move forward.

Since her son was born she believed that she knew who his father was but she had no proof. Now her son has shattered that belief. It has 'blindsided her' and she needs to find a way of coming to terms with it.

Smileless2012

It must be hard enough to know that your child has an addiction, without the added burden of worrying that you as their parent, are going to be held somehow accountable.

. . . by someone who has met neither of you

It must be hard enough to know that your child has an addiction, without the added burden of worrying that you as their parent, are going to be held somehow accountable.

Absolutely, Dickens. Look at Tamara Palmer-Tomkinson. Wealthy, loving family, very well connected, a ‘trust fund girl’. Her addiction ended her life.

Nothing OP has said shows that the son needs to ‘heal’. She doesn’t say that he is still addicted to heroin or any other substance. It seems to me that it is the OP who needs to heal after what her son told her.

VioletSky

I really hope the son is able to access help one day and heal

It's always possible

Preferably they can access some help to do it together but everyone has to want that

Whatever the cause of the addiction, and none of us can presume to know it, he has to deal with the fact of the addiction first.

A ravaged body - and mind - cannot rationally consider anything other than the next 'fix'.

You might think that the 'healing' comes from understanding the cause of the addiction, but knowing it will not stop the physical craving.

People 'do' drugs for many reasons - and sometimes, for none at all. They come from all kinds of backgrounds and family situations, and are not necessarily unhappy with life, Historically, mankind has always been attracted to mind-altering substances.

everyone has to want that
By George! She's got it.

I really hope the son is able to access help one day and heal

It's always possible

Preferably they can access some help to do it together but everyone has to want that