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are we failing to take the grandparental hint?

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muffinthemoo Sun 31-Dec-23 14:49:45

Not a grandparent obviously, so wondering if H and I are just failing to take the hint re relationships.

(I'll do mine as a part 1 and the questions about the ILs as a part 2, since somehow I think we have stuffed up with both!)

For context, none of them work, none of them have significant health issues, and none of them live more than five to 10 minutes away.

It's been a sort of difficult Christmas with some really odd family visits. My granny died in the autumn, so I spoke with my mum and said I'd have that side of the family over on Christmas morning so she didn't have to have people visit. I obviously also told her and dad they were welcome for dinner. She took up the offer to host Christmas morning visiting (if we all get together at the same time, the gift exchange can be done and it means people don't need to try and fit in multiple visits to each other.) but said she wanted to have dinner quietly on her own with dad. This is fine. My brother and sister in law have her mum down for Christmas, so my parents don't have dinner with them any year.

Subsequently she told me she'd asked to go to my aunt's for dinner, where she's never been invited before. I thought this was good as she and her sister would be together on this difficult first Christmas. I got the usual preparations together to host Christmas morning, made sure to check in with her on how she was feeling and that she was still okay to "do Christmas" in whatever form, and didn't think too much of it.

We have two grandchild birthdays either side of Christmas, one just before and one in Boxing week. The first one had the big 'kids' party and I wasn't expecting them to come to that. They didn't see GC1 around that time and when I asked when they wanted to see her, they said they'd catch up with us before Christmas, which they did.

Christmas they seemed pleasant but like they couldn't get away fast enough. I assumed it was due to the granny's passing and didn't say anything. They said they would come over for cake as arranged for GC2's birthday. That had been arranged to be no pals, just cake and family, very casual. They called me on the morning of GC2's birthday to say they had decided not to come. This meant aunt didn't come either. (Brother was at work or he'd have come.) GC2 was obviously very disappointed but we did cinema and a dinner out instead. I found out from my aunt later on that they had gone shopping with my aunt at the big malls instead that day.

We are supposed to see them tonight for Hogmanay at my aunt's, and tomorrow they are supposed to come to us for the traditional New Year steak pie. We always host this and it is always a relaxed and enjoyable day. Normally my brother & SIL are there and often a stray friend or relation or two. Brother has unusually given it a wide berth this year and parents asked me not to invite anyone else.

I have the uneasy feeling they might cancel. I don't mind, the pie will get eaten on the 2nd. I just feel like after directing us that we must make suitable arrangements for them to see us at specific times, that they are kind of ehhhh about actually doing it.

They have not been staying in since granny died, in fact they have been out a lot. Mostly shopping. I've tried to sort out the festive period to take stress off mum, but now I am not sure if they are trying to give me the hint to just leave them alone.

What should I do? "Just talk to them" never does anything but start a dreadful fight about anything in my family of origin, which is the last thing I want. Should I just write the whole thing off and not try to do 'family stuff' next Christmas? Tbh I find it pretty stressful and expensive and would like to go away for once and see how that goes. But is that not the right thing to do?

Am I failing to take a pretty obvious hint here? In other years there have been very clear statements that they expected to see their kids on their actual birthdays etc etc and on Christmas day. I... did what I had been told to do in previous years?

Any advice? x

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grandtanteJE65 Sun 31-Dec-23 15:03:14

I would leave it for now, I think.

Although in fairness to your own daughter, you need to mention to your parents how sad she became because they did not come as promised on her birthday.

But you could leave saying that to nearer her next birthday.

If you, your husband and children are all happy to go away next year, then do so.

I would have hated it, if my mother had suggested that when I was child, but your children might be thrilled.

Start your own Christmas and Hogmany traditions, instead of just "doing as you are told". Simply tell your parents at the beginning of next December what you have planned, invite them or not, as you feel inclined, then put down the phone, or if you are in their house, say, "Well, I'll be off, then." They can't have a flaming row with you if you are not there, can they?

If they complain, state calmly that you and the children were badly hurt by their behaviour this year, and that you want no repeats of that, so have made other plans.

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Baggs Sun 31-Dec-23 15:11:45

That sounds like a lot going on. Quite frankly, it would do my head in if I were your mum having to remember all your arrangements.

I should add straight away that it's lovely of you to try so hard to make things work for everyone but perhaps your parents just wanted a more relaxed xmas/NY season and not feel "expected" so much?

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BlueBelle Sun 31-Dec-23 15:15:53

I m sorry to be rude but I gave up half way through

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SueDonim Sun 31-Dec-23 15:50:48

Nice to ‘see’ you, Muffinthemoo! I was thinking recently that you hadn’t been here for a while (or not that I’d noted).

My first instinct is that there’s something troubling your mum (apart from losing her mum) and she’s trying to avoid situations where she might have to reveal it. Does she have any health issues, do you think?

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Callistemon21 Sun 31-Dec-23 16:01:17

Start your own Christmas and Hogmany traditions, instead of just "doing as you are told". Simply tell your parents at the beginning of next December what you have planned, invite them or not, as you feel inclined, then put down the phone, or if you are in their house, say, "Well, I'll be off, then." They can't have a flaming row with you if you are not there, can they?

Good idea, Grandtante
I might mention that GD2 was sad not to see her grandparents just for cake on her birthday.
However, we have birthdays either side of Christmas too and it can all become a bit frenetic!

Did your Mum look after her own mother? Perhaps, although sad, she is also feeling a sense of freedom.

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welbeck Sun 31-Dec-23 16:07:25

sounds like you are trying to over-organise everyone.
well meaning, but misguided.

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flappergirl Sun 31-Dec-23 20:41:25

I'm afraid all the arrangements were too complicated for my simple mind. I should go away for Christmas next year or just let everyone do their own thing.

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luluaugust Mon 01-Jan-24 08:27:20

Goodness far to complicated, if you want to invite them for Christmas Day then do, otherwise let them sort themselves out.
We rarely see our young adult GC on the actual day, they are very busy people!

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karmalady Mon 01-Jan-24 08:37:05

"what should I do?"

stop arranging their lives for them.

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Luckygirl3 Mon 01-Jan-24 09:34:09

I too lost the plot part way through!
Maybe next year say what you have planned for your family and that anyone other members of your tribe are welcome to as much or as little as they fancy joining in.

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nanna8 Mon 01-Jan-24 09:41:38

All too hard for me, I lack concentration at this time of year. I thought it was said you were ‘not a grandparent’ but then you said you had ‘2 grandchild birthdays ‘ Don’t get it.

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henetha Mon 01-Jan-24 09:46:44

That's an awful lot of fuss. And quite complicated to understand.
I think I would just go away next Christmas. Keep it simple.

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MercuryQueen Mon 01-Jan-24 10:02:40

I understand the dilemma. If you go away next year, you may be in for hurt feelings from your parents, and don’t want to upset them.

The first year after a loss is hard. I wouldn’t be surprised if family events highlights the loss of your grandmother for your mom. The world is still moving on, even though she’s suffered a loss. It’s one of the hardest things about grieving, I think. How can everything keep going on when your world has forever changed?

Give your mother some grace this year. Certainly make plans to go away next year if that works for you, but also figure out how you’ll handle any upset from your parents ahead of time so you’re prepared.

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biglouis Mon 01-Jan-24 23:00:26

When I read these convoluted family dramas Im glad I went low contact with mine. Much easier back in the 1980s as mobile phones were big and clunky and smart phones not yet invented. So the only means of communication were landlines and snail mail.

I often wish we could go back to those days.

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