To ask my son for a refund?

Going to sound critical but your post very much comes across as ‘its my way or the highway’ Jack
Things like ‘I ll never go again’ ‘I hate the country’ ‘I don’t want to stay somewhere else’ but we have to get over our disappointments and we have to be flexible
Put it behind you, it didn’t work this time which doesn’t mean it won’t next time (although I m afraid it won’t if you keep the attitude you have now)
You are cutting off your nose
I would prefer not to bond with her, than to be hurt further down the line this is not very adult and something you will come to regret but it won’t be your fault in your head will it?
Let things settle before you make big decisions your disappointment is too raw now I hope you enjoy your holiday with your friend but it won’t change the elephant in the room. will it ?

Change your ticket, if need be, but ask them when would be a good time for you to visit and for how long? Then suggest they find a nice place for you nearby and they pay for your stay there!
That way you'll be close to them but able to remove yourself if you see her/them getting tired.
And she'll be able to do all her own housework so can't complain she has nothing to do!

** around, not arrange!

*only grandchild!!

Silver lining, Smileless2012 and Pascal30, thank you!
Although Pascal30, I did want her company - I wanted to get to know her, as we'd never met ... and my son loves her - and she was carrying my old grandchild. She didn't escape - that is their normal routine: they are both self employed, so arrange their days arrange afternoons at the beach!

This whole situation seems to have arisen because it wasn't properly thought through. I presume that this was arranged for you to meet and get to know the motherof your future grandchild. it sounds as though you both didn't want todo things together and she escapedtomeet your son each afternoon. It was almost bound to end the way it did,you were forced together for much too long. I expect if it had been the normal meeting accasionally for a meal that you would probably have developed a good relationship. I can understand how disappointed and hurt you feel now and think you have made the right choice to holiday in the Orkneys.. However I would also take the long view and try to keep options open for the future.. it wouldn't hurt to send the occasional loving card to them both.. maybe they will visit in the future or even much longer term your GD might wish to visit.. try to keep communication open if you can.. and remember that your son will inevitably take his partner's side so think of how that would feel if there was an estrangement... I hope you resolve this amicably.. you sound like you could do that...

I had wondered if you're worrying about bonding with your GD JackK in case contact with her is limited, or at some point that contact is lost.

It's not easy having AC living so far away and even harder when your GC are far away too.

I think I posted earlier that although we've been to Aus. 4 times now, we've only gone because our son is there. It's not somewhere we'd ever have considered for a holiday.

I think it's good that you've arranged a holiday with your dear friend, that you of course intend to maintain your relationship with your son and your GD, and are getting on with your life without putting them at the centre of it.

A healthy approach for you and for your son and his family too.

Visiting your friend in the Orkneys sounds great. Always nice to have somewhere new to look forward to.

Smileless2012, it's such a relief to read a post from someone who understands where I'm coming from. I've travelled all over on my own, so that wouldn't bother me in the slightest - but I would rather spend my limited savings on travelling to a country I liked, to walk amongst strangers for a few days, rather than feel unwelcome in a country that I disliked!
I have now made arrangements to visit a dear friend in August, who moved to the Orkneys 3 years ago - I thought I'd never get there - but now I will, and I make no apology to those posters who will criticise me for this choice; I can hear them now ... "but surely seeing your granddaughter is more important?"
Actually no, it isn't. I would prefer not to bond with her, than to be hurt further down the line.

It's such a shame that this experience has put you off going back to Aus., JackK but I think it's understandable, and this only happened a couple of months ago.

Staying in alternative accommodation abroad on your own isn't for everyone, regardless of whether or not they can afford it. It wouldn't suit me, nor would I have the confidence to make the long trip to Aus. on my own.

Hopefully by maintaining the regular contact you have with your son, in time his partner may also contribute from time to time and they will come to visit. I hope so.

I have a friend whose children now live in Aussie and she tends to do housesits near to where they stay rather than stay with them.
Is that a possibility if you go again?

JackK, it's just unfortunate that you'd already bought a ticket - so it would be entirely unreasonable to expect your son to 'refund' you - especially as they paid for your last journey. Either go, staying somewhere else, seeing them only for limited times, or don't - and put it down to experience.

I really can't imagine how I'd tolerate a MIL staying for three weeks, especially if I were pregnant. (I got on well with both my MILs - but even so, enough is enough).

Jack sorry to sound disagreeable but that’s just you being pig headed because it didn’t go as you hoped and expected
You can save up for an Airbnb you wouldn’t be alone you would be seeing your grandchild, your son and his partner for periods each day You don’t have to stay for three weeks you could do half that a week/10 days when the baby is a bit older
Why not save for a first birthday visit

So please don’t make such a definite decision whilst you are in the white heat of disappointment it sounds like a kid saying
“I m never playing with you again” Give it time, calm yourself down, stop thinking it was all them, there was a mismatch of expectations but it doesn’t have to mean you ll never have a relationship with her or the little one again it just didn’t go on your terms this time

Just try and take it easy, your over enthusiasm for a grandbaby has pushed you into a pickle but it doesn’t have to be the end of your visits or relationships

Grams2five. Because I cannot afford a hotel for 3 weeks. Because I wouldn't enjoy staying alone in a country I don't even like for 3 weeks. And because I don't want to go back.

JackK

Once again, thank you for your responses.
To those who think I sat there all day, without moving - whilst son's partner also sat around heavily pregnant without moving - you couldn't be more wrong!
They live a ten minute walk from the beach, so I walked there each morning and stayed for 2 hours. Or caught a bus to the next town. Or walked into the village. DSP is very fit and active - even at 36 weeks pregnant - and walked to the beach each afternoon, where my son met her late in the afternoon once he'd finished work.
Therefore, had I been out all day - what difference would that have made? And yes, as Smileless2012 says - this was verbally articulated, rather than hinted at. The relationship is 2 years old - so still relatively new; particularly as she has been pregnant for nearly half of that time.
I absolutely agree with the responses that express the unfairness of the situation - and, that she was perfectly OK for 2 weeks. There were only 8 days left ... surely she could be polite for that amount of time?
Perhaps it was pregnancy hormones or perhaps she just decided that she didn't like me. I shall continue to communicate with my son as we have always done on a weekly basis, and to send gifts for my granddaughter - but I shall never return.

To say that you will
Neve return is awfully
Short sighted. Because
You have to use a hotel? So
You’d rather NEVER visit your son and his family? How silly. I hope for
Your sake they
Don’t intend to match that energy.

Hitherto, are you being deliberately provocative?
Length of relationship: it was suggested by one poster that it may have only been 8/9 months.
The first 2 weeks WERE perfectly OK. Even my son agreed with this.
Polite means: not cold, not distant and engaging in conversation rather than responding in monosyllables.
She did not want me to go back - I was asked to stay elsewhere.
She liked me OK enough? But not OK on my terms? What on earth do you mean by that?
My son has a business to run, so cannot take 3 weeks off - particularly as the baby was due 4 weeks later, and he would be taking time off for that - understandably!
How clever you are to analyse from my post that I 'did not like her' !!!! You fail to understand that, when I was there - despite her behaviour towards me at the end, that I had no bad feelings towards her at all. We left each other with a hug.
It is only since my return that I have felt like this towards her.
Perhaps you delight in upsetting people further Hithere. Not a personality trait that I would be proud of - let alone express in public.

JackK

Once again, thank you for your responses.
To those who think I sat there all day, without moving - whilst son's partner also sat around heavily pregnant without moving - you couldn't be more wrong!
They live a ten minute walk from the beach, so I walked there each morning and stayed for 2 hours. Or caught a bus to the next town. Or walked into the village. DSP is very fit and active - even at 36 weeks pregnant - and walked to the beach each afternoon, where my son met her late in the afternoon once he'd finished work.
Therefore, had I been out all day - what difference would that have made? And yes, as Smileless2012 says - this was verbally articulated, rather than hinted at. The relationship is 2 years old - so still relatively new; particularly as she has been pregnant for nearly half of that time.
I absolutely agree with the responses that express the unfairness of the situation - and, that she was perfectly OK for 2 weeks. There were only 8 days left ... surely she could be polite for that amount of time?
Perhaps it was pregnancy hormones or perhaps she just decided that she didn't like me. I shall continue to communicate with my son as we have always done on a weekly basis, and to send gifts for my granddaughter - but I shall never return.

Ma’am, with all due respect?

I adore Freddie Mercury. And Robin Williams. But if either of those men were to return from the dead with the sole purpose of staying three weeks in my house I wouldn’t be able to handle it, and would likely lose my mind around day four. Maybe five.

This speaks volumes about what you think about her and their relationship - not good

"The relationship is 2 years old - so still relatively new; particularly as she has been pregnant for nearly half of that time."
2 years is not that new.
You are not talking about teenagers here who know each other for 6 months.

"I absolutely agree with the responses that express the unfairness of the situation - and, that she was perfectly OK for 2 weeks. There were only 8 days left ... surely she could be polite for that amount of time?"
When your son brought it up, I am sure the past 2 weeks were not 100% ok
What do understand by polite?
Polite does not mean put up with something not matter what for 8 days

"Perhaps it was pregnancy hormones or perhaps she just decided that she didn't like me".
She shared her home with you for 2 weeks.
She was OK with you coming back to visit
She liked you ok enough - not ok on your terms

"I shall continue to communicate with my son as we have always done on a weekly basis, and to send gifts for my granddaughter - but I shall never return."
Your son failed you by not being responsible for hosting you 100% of the time, not an uncommon mistake

You do not like the mother of your gc and clearly shows in a post.
I wonder how it translated it person

Never say never.

I also accept from your responses that my son was probably the one at fault - she is close to her mum who lives 1.5 hours away, and her Grandma who lives in NZ, so I understand more now that she wouldn't want a stranger staying for 3 weeks, even though the baby will then be 3 months old.
I've received photos and a video call since the birth (although she was asleep). But my Christmas present to her hadn't been opened (even a few days ago), and there hasn't been any communication from DSP at all, so I doubt that any bonding will happen at all. I'm very sad about this, but hopefully I will eventually meet her when they visit the UK.

Once again, thank you for your responses.
To those who think I sat there all day, without moving - whilst son's partner also sat around heavily pregnant without moving - you couldn't be more wrong!
They live a ten minute walk from the beach, so I walked there each morning and stayed for 2 hours. Or caught a bus to the next town. Or walked into the village. DSP is very fit and active - even at 36 weeks pregnant - and walked to the beach each afternoon, where my son met her late in the afternoon once he'd finished work.
Therefore, had I been out all day - what difference would that have made? And yes, as Smileless2012 says - this was verbally articulated, rather than hinted at. The relationship is 2 years old - so still relatively new; particularly as she has been pregnant for nearly half of that time.
I absolutely agree with the responses that express the unfairness of the situation - and, that she was perfectly OK for 2 weeks. There were only 8 days left ... surely she could be polite for that amount of time?
Perhaps it was pregnancy hormones or perhaps she just decided that she didn't like me. I shall continue to communicate with my son as we have always done on a weekly basis, and to send gifts for my granddaughter - but I shall never return.

Well, something obviously did change after two weeks but if your son won';t talk about it, I don't see how you can find out. Do not ask for money, whatever solution you reach.

I agree with Mercury here. This situation strongly suggests that son did not clarify expectations with both mum and partner before the visit happened. I suspect poor OP arrived to discover partner had neither expected her to be in the house (quietly or not) all day every day and quite possibly had not expected her to be there for the full three weeks.

There has to have been some pretty strong words exchanged between son and partner for son to have shared those mismatched expectations with you.

Telling you they couldn't host you for three weeks once the baby was born was IMHO reasonable. I couldn't have managed with a guest (and with the best will in the world, you would be a guest) for three weeks as a new mum either. I found too many visitors a day burnt me out enough. I would not have behaved with the courtesy and thoughtfulness I would have wanted to towards a three week houseguest in those circumstances.

The reasonable thing for son to do would be to offer to pay for the AirBNB for you to allow the visit to still go ahead. Has he done that? Is that something you would be comfortable suggesting to him before you go ahead and ask for the ticket cost?

Even with wonky knees (pre surgery) I had no problem amusing myself out and about on my husband's business trips - I certainly wasn't going to stay in and look at a hotel cleaner.

What does a 3 week plan in a strangers home look like?

Maybe nobody thought to remind her to bring her stick and walking shoes?

There is a missing piece. Perhaps son didn't plan this long trip properly.

Same difference isn't it? BlueBelle
I call my son's gf my DiL as she's the mother of my GS and they've been together a long time.

I recently stayed at a Premier Inn and having checked out I realised there were no trains running, due to flooding so tried to go back to my room. I booked in again but was made to stay out for 2 hours while the room was cleaned despite my pleas that it didn't need cleaning!