Daughter says I should always be the one to visit

On my way to stay with AC for Christmas I chatted with a young man from Singapore studying here. He politely expressed surprise. That ‘elders’ should travel to be with their children at holiday times as in his experience at home it was the other way around.

Throughout our married life, my parents visited frequently for several days - always Christmas and Easter too - for at least a week each time, and sometimes they came on holiday with us. Nowadays, adult children don't seem to feel inclined to do this.

Josie I am sorry that you are feeling upset about this, and I do think your daughter is being rather unfair. Even if she has many commitments, you say you have three jobs too. I don't think you should be described as "entitled" for wanting your daughter to make the effort occasionally. Unfortunately, though, there isn't much you can do about it, except perhaps cut down your own visits and keep in touch in other ways.

Why not suggest for her and the kids to come over for a meal so she can "put her feet up" and let you take over. If you phrase it like that, maybe that will make it more appealing?
Does she go and visit others? Her siblings, friends? Maybe she has some anxiety about being anywhere else.

As your grandchildren are teenagers and you and they only live an hour's distance away from each other, tell the children in their parents' hearing that they are welcome to come and visit you in your home any time they like.

I could understand your daughter feeling it was easier for you to come to them if the children were toddlers, but teenagers?

You could add for good measure that as you are not getting any younger you find even a hour's journey tiring.

Times have changed, that is for sure. Culturally we are not a society that honors and reveres our elders like the Asians do. (I do happen to admire that.)

I thought of a few things here:
• Daughter does not seem “happy.” Could it be her Lover? Does he live with them?
• Daughter’s discontent could actually be depression - argues w/lover, changes jobs frequently, doesn’t have a cleaner for the house… She feels out of control?
• Lover could be her financial stream and using her just as she uses him? (Unhealthy)
• Children (teens) can sense all this, react accordingly. If they’re not participating in after-school activities that’s telling.
• Raising teens is not for sissies! That in itself is a job.
• Daughters often have fraught relationships with their mothers. Doesn’t mean you don’t love each other, but connection will never be 100%. Just know that and live YOUR life.
• YOU have control over your own actions. Don’t do things out of hurt or malice, just be reasonable in your future responses, actions. Remain loving, supportive, and pull back a bit.
• Daughter may see you as a friend then and start sharing. Sounds like she could use a friend!
Good luck… these things aren’t easy.
USA Gundy

I'm so sorry to hear this. It's a very painful situation for you.

Step back from your daughter for a short time perhaps. When we're in pain, arguments can erupt and get out of hand.

Carry on with your birthday/Christmas gifts if you feel the need, but maybe just a LITTLE money in a card, or a bunch of flowers. You don't owe anything, and if they don't like it it's tough.

Are the kids online? If you use a phone and they're on Facebook or similar, friend them, drop the odd message ~ just hellos. Like their posts ~ careful with making comments though. And brace yourself for what you'll see lmao.

Your daughter sounds angry. Maybe at everyone not just you. If she's phoning and just self absorbed perhaps there's something at the back of it. At some point she might start to connect properly. Do you ever just spend time with her? Perhaps get her to set a coffee n cake date ~ she says when?

Hope I haven't phrased anything wrong, or repeated anything already posted, I'm on the hop here ~ buses.

Live your life, enjoy your other child, remain calm, and available, and things will unfold in time for you I hope hugs x

You are her mother, not her servant. If she does not make time to come and see you, she does not deserve your time, gifts, or money. End of story. She is making like difficult for you because she is jealous of her sibling.

You can’t do what you can’t do.

Your life matters too.

The reality of it is, the only person you have control over is yourself. You can’t make your daughter visit, if talking worked, it would be solved already.

Make the plans that work for you, and ignore any tantrums. If that means arranging to visit twice a year, then that’s what it is.

“I’d love to see you more, but I can’t manage the trip. Let me know if you’d like to visit here.” is how I’d handle any complaints.

“I’m sorry you’re upset. We’ll talk again soon.” - no way would I tolerate abusive calls or texts.

my GP's lived 300 miles away so my GF would drive up and take us 3 children, one at a time, for a week each every year. They also did the same for my 3 cousins who lived about 200 miles away. That was all we saw them for many years, unless they came to stay.. very infrequently.. nevertheless I always felt that we had caring grandparents.. they would do all sorts of treats when we stayed with them, and sent presents and cards.. I think children just adapt to whatever they have in their lives..

Why do people get so wedded to what other people do, either in the present, or even, more puzzling, in the past.

Times change and how we do things changes with the changing times.

I didn't know my DGP! Three died before I was born and the 4th lived 12k miles away. My DM hadn't known hers either so I have little precedent for knowing if it's normal for DC to do the visiting
It sounds like it should be that way round. The youngsters should visit the older generation.
We called in at DGMiL every Sunday after church when our kids were small and we lived near. The children were given lemonade and crisps. The grownups had sherry. Their cousins would come too and often overflowed into the garden or into gt aunt's flat next door.

I think you'll have to summon her if you really want to see her and don't be bullied into going to hers and certainly stop the unappreciated gifts.

I am not sure the past was quite so ct and dried SheepyIzzy. As a child in the 1940s/50s, Grandparents visited us as well as us visiting grandparents, but we only lived close by for my first 5 years, after that visits required long train, then car journeys.

With my children, 70s, 80s, we did alternate visits with both sets of grandparents, they came to us and we went to them. and it has been similar with our grandchildren. I think each family works out its own pattern and it only comes to the forefront if things start going wrong.

Is this a joke? It’s your daughter who’s being unreasonable, just you visit when and if you’re able and ignore her request, She sounds a right one, if you ask me. I couldn’t stay quiet nor polite if my daughter treated me like yours 🤬🤬

I'm old school, they should come to you, but unfortunately they have "grown up and moved on" so to speak.

We (my sister's and I) always went to grandparents, my mums parents were half a mile down the road so we'd walk or bike. My dad's were 5 miles away, we used to take it in turns, there are 4 of us, so 1 would stay at dad's, 1 at grandmas's , they lived opposite each other, it was also the only time you went to bed at 7.30pm Friday & Saturday due to boredom when at Grandma's! (Sorry, but it was true). As we grew up (teenager's) it changed to seeing them Saturdays only, as we came into adult hood, Saturday jobs changed that and wanting to go shopping etc. Eventually I was the only one (I'm the youngest) who would go see Grandma for a couple of hrs every Saturday. When she died, the only reason I kept going was her last sister, who was an absolute hoot! Loved her gin, all her knew her liked her. Grandad was still alive but he always saw us girls as things that should be seen and not heard and that remains with you!

I always NEVER thought much of it until now when I'm getting older and looking after mum, who is 81 and IS decrepit, she has said herself how she never thought she'd be so bad.

My niece became a mum in 2022, so now I'm A great aunt!! (Bloody hell!) Mum had.that niece to rear so my sister could work, in mid 50's, she TOTALLY understands what the knackeredness feels like for all you 50ish grannies! (My sister (grandma) takes a.day off each week to help with childcare,.she too is knackered!)

But as all of mum's grandchildren arrived, they ALL came to see mum. If mum felt like it, she'd clamber in car and drive to see them, but mainly they came to see her, for years.

Then they have grown up! She has 7 grandchildren aging from 24 - 28.

The new mum comes here almost every week for half an hour with sprog, most times, though I have told mum that sprog is just next door, so wobble round on walker!. (my Sister is a child minder other half of our semi and looks after sprog 2 days a week!) The other grand children, despite WhatsApp and even older technology called phone calls, don't seem to realise that Mama isn't going to be around for ever! They texts occasionally but have "moved on" so to speak.

Apologies for the long post, but it shouldn't have to be the grandparents having to make the effort. If you WANT to go to them, go, but I think the grandchildren should WANT to see the oldies, go see granny/granddad!

Welbeck, I think your idea is right way forward. It is certainly what I would do.

It’s not unreasonable but at the end of e day it comes
Down to what matters most to you. You’re well within your right to draw back say you can come
To me
Sometimes and simply visit less but then you may well not see them as much. So only you can decide if that’s a price you’re willing to pay .

I know from experience how difficult it can be to round up teenage children to visit grandparents. At that stage, they are bound to have interests at weekends or friends to 'hang out' with. It has always been easier for me to visit them, despite three different trains for a 150 mile journey. I could rarely be sure to see all the family at one time. Before I retired it wasn't easy to fit in a weekend away, but always worth it. Now I'm retired and live closer to them, my (now young adult) GC can see me as and when they are able and are never less than affectionate. Maybe your teenage GC pose a similar problem to your DD.

Ok not that then Josie
Maybe she’s a people pleaser and just always wants to please the partner or boyfriend of the day whereas she knows you ll always be there for her so doesn’t need to please you or maybe she’s just lazy and can’t be bothered, we ll never know

Maybe be a little less available yourself

Bluebell I always ask my daughter for ideas for their birthdays & Christmas or she asks what im thinking of getting so I know what they are into

My husband is her Dad and when she was younger he gave her everything she wanted. And every boyfriend she has had she treats his parents better as they always seem to have quite a it of money behind them.

Kid I didn’t visit my grandkids I’d never see them . Totally agree with you.

The question that always arises in my wind is 'When did this all start?' Children, even when growwing to not go from loving and kind and sharing to suddenly selfish and demanding. Sometimes it is just the childs personality, and they ahve been like that since birth. we are all a random mixture of genes from each parents family and sometimes the mix can be saintly and at other times toxic.

In other cases some mothers have sacrificed their whole lives to their children from birth and jsut assume that the children iwll appreciate this and will be as attentive to them when adult, when in fact, making a martyr of your self to your children is more likely to breed selfish uncaring children who just assume their mother is a door mat and continue to wipe their feet in her even after they leave home.

In this case it sounds more like genes as the Op gives the impression that her other children do not behave like this.

In which case, just accept that your relationship with this daughter and her children will always be distant and iffy, that nothing you ever do will change the situation, so there is no point in trying and just do what Welbeck recommends

May I ask if your daughter gets on with your husband ( is he her dad) Josie
As for the children I would ask them what they want within your price bracket as they are teenagers they may not really want what you think they want or like their presents (that doesn’t excuse a none thank you) I also find giving it personally usually gets a thank you, it may get forgotten if sending it
But if it’s sent and you don’t hear just ask did you receive the a,b, or c I sent you and hopefully you ll get a yes thank you Nan

As for your daughter I can’t explain why she doesn’t come to you but does go to the in-laws presumable she likes them better or wants to please her husband we can’t know.

I d go when it’s comfortable for you to go, then invite her for the next meet up, if she says I can t make it, leave it just try not to get hung over about it as my Nan used to say Nowt as queer as folk
Try not to dwell on it and let yourself get upset though

I do keep in regular contact with her but it saddens me that she just assumes I will do all the visiting thats when the arguments start . And she has treated her siblings badly in the past and she always says I take their sides which I don't I do not get involved with their arguments and I've told her I love them all the same.

Sorry, I don’t mean to criticise you Josie15, I just felt it was wrong for us to assume that your daughter was being difficult without understanding more about her situation.
Unfortunately with the benefit of the additional details, I think she is making a deliberate choice not to see you more frequently by visiting you. It sounds as though she doesn’t have the best of relationships with her sibling either. I’d keep in regular contact with her, but I wouldn’t put any pressure on her to visit you. Do you speak directly with your grandchildren too to maintain your relationships, as they are old enough to visit you themselves once they can drive?