Daughter says I should always be the one to visit

My husband is her Dad and when she was younger he gave her everything she wanted. And every boyfriend she has had she treats his parents better as they always seem to have quite a it of money behind them.

Kid I didn’t visit my grandkids I’d never see them . Totally agree with you.

The question that always arises in my wind is 'When did this all start?' Children, even when growwing to not go from loving and kind and sharing to suddenly selfish and demanding. Sometimes it is just the childs personality, and they ahve been like that since birth. we are all a random mixture of genes from each parents family and sometimes the mix can be saintly and at other times toxic.

In other cases some mothers have sacrificed their whole lives to their children from birth and jsut assume that the children iwll appreciate this and will be as attentive to them when adult, when in fact, making a martyr of your self to your children is more likely to breed selfish uncaring children who just assume their mother is a door mat and continue to wipe their feet in her even after they leave home.

In this case it sounds more like genes as the Op gives the impression that her other children do not behave like this.

In which case, just accept that your relationship with this daughter and her children will always be distant and iffy, that nothing you ever do will change the situation, so there is no point in trying and just do what Welbeck recommends

May I ask if your daughter gets on with your husband ( is he her dad) Josie
As for the children I would ask them what they want within your price bracket as they are teenagers they may not really want what you think they want or like their presents (that doesn’t excuse a none thank you) I also find giving it personally usually gets a thank you, it may get forgotten if sending it
But if it’s sent and you don’t hear just ask did you receive the a,b, or c I sent you and hopefully you ll get a yes thank you Nan

As for your daughter I can’t explain why she doesn’t come to you but does go to the in-laws presumable she likes them better or wants to please her husband we can’t know.

I d go when it’s comfortable for you to go, then invite her for the next meet up, if she says I can t make it, leave it just try not to get hung over about it as my Nan used to say Nowt as queer as folk
Try not to dwell on it and let yourself get upset though

I do keep in regular contact with her but it saddens me that she just assumes I will do all the visiting thats when the arguments start . And she has treated her siblings badly in the past and she always says I take their sides which I don't I do not get involved with their arguments and I've told her I love them all the same.

Sorry, I don’t mean to criticise you Josie15, I just felt it was wrong for us to assume that your daughter was being difficult without understanding more about her situation.
Unfortunately with the benefit of the additional details, I think she is making a deliberate choice not to see you more frequently by visiting you. It sounds as though she doesn’t have the best of relationships with her sibling either. I’d keep in regular contact with her, but I wouldn’t put any pressure on her to visit you. Do you speak directly with your grandchildren too to maintain your relationships, as they are old enough to visit you themselves once they can drive?

I don't have a problem with my granchildren not visiting as such it's my daughter that's saying I should be the 1 that goes through there to see them everytime. I know they have lives to get on with that's not my issue. It's the fact my daughter always blames me and can take girls to her partners family if I might say are not related to kids at all.

We don’t do expensive presents for teens, more often cash £20 and a card they can buy what they want then. I wouldn’t expect them to visit, they have their lives, it is nice to see them at family events. This Christmas 2 did not appear for various reasons, the other 12 did, we have a big birthday in May, most will be there for the free food and drink and to meet the others.

Sorry - no thank you ( in person, email, or note) no more presents. So rude and ungrateful.

She doesn't have to drive them anywhere as kids don't do after school stuff at all she keeps changing her job. No she doesn't have a cleaner.but neither do I so I have to do my housework at weekends when I'm not working as my husband not very good at doing that.her partner drives. And he takes her everywhere else And I work full time and have shift work. And I can assure you I don't feel entitled for my kids to visit.i just think it works both ways especially when she can make time for others when I'm always the one that offers but always cancelled on

It is sad situation when people do not want to spend time with you, however you cannot make them want to put the effort in to visit.

Only send gifts if you really want them to have them without even expecting a thank you. Do not think that the gifts will make them want to see you.

There are often those on here that get angry about relatives not visiting, I think I would be sad not angry, you can’t make somebody love you.

On the basis of what you’ve said, I think people are jumping to conclusions Josie2015. A few questions:
Does your daughter work full time, is her husband supportive, does she have a cleaner, how old are her teenage children, are they physically and emotionally stable, do any of them drive, is she ferrying them round to activities in the evenings or at weekends?
I think it’s easy for parents to feel entitled to be visited without taking into account the reality of the lives of their children. For all we know, your daughter may be at the end of her fuse due to all her responsibilities?

why do you bother.
draw back. go low contact.
live your own life, and enjoy it.
life is brief.
good luck.

Knittednatter I've tried but anytime I've said anything she just shouts and hangs up then I get a barracade of abusive txts saying I don't care

I have asked them over for weekends but get told they are busy. I've even invited my daughter out for her birthday but I always get the reply I'm doing something else. Then I find out by a third party she has went out for a meal and drinks with her partners family.and I don't even get wished happy birthday on mine.but if I don't do it 1st thing on her or kids b.day I get a nasty txt

My dd lives half hour away and the last time she was here was in the summer. For a couple of hours.

No, you are not being unreasonable. Have you even considered actually inviting them over for the weekend perhaps or just to spend the day with you?

Loving your grandchildren is not about the value of the gifts you give them and if all they see is that then they've obviously not been brought up with manners or gratitude have they?

Maybe a long, honest talk to your daughter is long overdue. Yes, our AC do have busy lives but surely anyone can spare one day a month can't they?

Easybee that's what I've done this year for Christmas.

My other children drop in. My son lives over 3hrs away and doesn't have children but comes every now and then to see me as he knows I work split shifts and long hours.

How have these entitled children evolved?
Decide how much you want to see her and visit accordingly, but stop being so generous; no thank yous, no presents.

She is treating you badly because you allow her to; stop it.

The only who drops in is my daughter , but doesn’t stay long. She is either dropping something off or picking up something. Her children are teenagers and have their own cars and occasionally pop in . In the case of my sons, they have young children, and expect me to visit them, by appointment, which is fair enough.

No you are not being unreasonable, but your daughter is especially when she says you don't care for your GC.

I agree with pascal especially when it comes to drawing back. Don't make yourself so available and perhaps be a little less generous when it comes to buying gifts, then it might not be quite so hurtful when you're not thanked.

When I say it works both ways you can come see us she turns round and says it's not bout me or you it's about my kids they never see you and think you don't care

She also says I don't care for the children which I honestly love them to bits. And when I do go over to her house she always argues with her partner which I think is wrong

She sounds very entitled and uncaring.. I agree with the suggestion to meet half way where you can extend an open invitation for her to visit you... and then draw back, don't visit her and see what happens..