AIBU - Husband

In all honesty I could not cope with this. I would have to pay people to do the cleaning, ironing, gardening, decorating, odd jobs and everything else - even though I am now retired. I am simply unable to deal with illness. My husband is well aware of that. It’s not something I can change.

I married my husband for better or for worse, and promised to cherish him in sickness and in health.

Obviously, I don't know what your idea of marriage is or was,
but your husband is ill, and you apparently are not, so it seems fair enough to me that you are doing "all the work".

I did too, during my husband's last illness that resulted in his death three months ago. I can assure you, you will miss your husband if this condition proves fatal. So make the best of your time together.

RosiesMaw

I see you are posting elsewhere Mell - how do you feel about the responses to your original post?

I don't think there were many (well, just one kind reply)
www.gransnet.com/forums/health/1331189-ET

That was on 6th January, Mel1967 when you said your DH had only just been diagnosed with ET:
My husband has recently been diagnosed with Essential Thrombocythemia

It must have been a shock, fatigue is a symptom, presumably he has only just started medication and is still struggling to work. Perhaps he should take some sick leave.

Yes, I think it is unreasonable to expect anything at all from him at the moment. He needs some tlc and adjustments need to be made.

From experience - expect nothing.
That will help - as occasionally you will be delighted to see a new loo roll in the bathroom, your nightdress on a radiator or another small act of solidarity and kindness.

The struggle is partly in your head. You can change what you think and how important you allow cleaning (etc) to be.

You can't improve his exhaustion in my experience - and, for us, "pacing" was miserable. It was easier to expect nothing (for me) and easier (for him) to "run at what he could" and then burn out.

Mel1967

Many thanks to everyone who has taken the time to reply.
Lots to think about and some great ideas.
We had some bad news today.
My Husbands brother passed away, he was 47.
Maybe that puts things into perspective

Thanks for this Mell967
Sorry for your loss as you say it puts it all into perspective.

I see you are posting elsewhere Mell - how do you feel about the responses to your original post?

sorry to hear of his your loss.
take care

go hang the housework.
get a cleaner. send out laundry, drop off at laundrette for a service wash on way to work.
how many people on their death bed lament not having done more housework, rather than time spent with and cherishing loved ones.

Mell my condolences to all the family. Unfortunately it's the good people who die young and the wicked horrible people live a long live.

Cherish what you have with your husband and hopefully the death of your brother in law will put things into prospective for you .💐

and condolences for you and your husband Mell.

Sincere condolences to you and your husband.

My condolences Mel1967

I'm sorry Mel what an awful shock for everyone

Many thanks to everyone who has taken the time to reply.
Lots to think about and some great ideas.
We had some bad news today.
My Husbands brother passed away, he was 47.
Maybe that puts things into perspective

Where are you OP? Is this another one of those threads? 🤔

I'm amazed he is able to work is he's chronically fatigued.. he certainly needs to pace himself.. I would either get a cleaner or let things slide if I was in your position..

Mel so many people have taken the time to give you helpful advice and support. I hope you will be back soon to let us know if you have found help and comfort here.

Mell967 have you always done everything cooking washing and cleaning. Did your Husband help with these chores before he became ill or is this just symptomatic of his health issues? If it is the latter then it is understandable that he needs support to adjust to this.

Whiff, I understand totally. Not from a husband perspective, but I've had to have lengthy periods away from my husband, family home, children & dogs, basically my whole life (because I live overseas), in order to take care of my terminally ill mother, then my father who had various health issues. It was extremely hard, and I still don't know how I managed to get through it, but we do, because of love. And, yes, even though it was so very difficult, I'd do it all again. Respect to you, and anyone else who has had to do the same.

Whatever his reason for ''sit'', be grateful he's still alive!

TALK to your hubby, ask him if there's something he can do to help with the housework or anything else, if it's just 1 item a day like doing the washing up it will help.

Mel
I think you are in a difficult situation so have any of our suggestions and comments helped you at all 🤔

As a sick man he needs support. That is what married people do although it is hard. Try to get some help or else just let some things go.

Nansnet we knew from January 2001 my husband wouldn't live 5 years after the cancer was removed. Only me and the children knew he wouldn't live. But he wanted a normal life and didn't want to be treated differently or in his words dead man walking. So I still nagged we still argued about stupid things , the kids still got into mischief and got told off. He still brought work home everyday. Even when he was terminal and I had to stop him driving as he wasn't safe he still wanted to go too work which I said ok but only for a hour . So one of the men fetched him and brought him home. I always had to phone and tell them to bring him home. Then he got so I wouldn't let him go but he worked from home in the study. He finally had to admit he couldn't work anymore 4 weeks before he died. But would still answer and queries his business partner had until I stopped that 2 weeks before he died.

When he was terminal and we had to tell people those that treated him differently he cut them out of his life as he couldn't stand it. I had to tell my parents if they treated him differently them he wouldn't see them. His own mother didn't care . He was given 4 months to 2 years. He didn't live the 4 months and apart from going to tell his mom he was dieing she didn't bother to see him until the day he died and he was unconscious. And only for a minute when I told her to go.

After my husband died I looked after both my parents and mother in law until their deaths . And it cost me healthwise. I know first hand how hard it is doing everything and tiring it is as I was born disabled. But I would do it all again .

My DH couldn't do much to help in the last few years of his life. I cut down my working hours as our DD was only 10 at the time.
Mell I understand how hard it is for you but you will have to accept that your DH is ill and do what you can to take the pressure off yourself.

If you haven't experienced fatigue it can be very difficult to empathise. It's absolutely debilitating. All credit to him for continuing to work. Keep well yourself and, as others have suggested, utilise all labour saving help that you can. Please talk to him he's probably very scared by what he's going through.