Excruciating experience - surprise birthday party

Many years ago I had a friend who arranged a surprise party for her husband’s 40th birthday inviting family and his work colleagues. I felt dubious about it and sure enough it was very apparent he was not best pleased. He was known to like Scotch whiskey and sure enough everyone got him a bottle. He must have had at least 20.

When I retired I looked forward to the usual ‘leaving do’ because, although I hate social occasions, these were all people I knew well.
My dear colleague meanwhile told everyone I did not want any sort of gathering so I never got a chance to say goodbye.
Just shows how our family and friends can misjudge us even after years.

That's sad water meadow. I didn't have or want a big leaving do but thoroughly enjoyed a lovely dinner organised by my immediate team. We had time to talk over the meal and have some laughs too. A good memory.

My children did this for their dad and he said it was the worst night of his life. If he had suspected he would have got into the car and driven off.
Some people that he hated came as their names were in our address book.

Maybe just take a step back & be grateful that so many people care enough about you to celebrate your birthday! Have you any idea how many lonely people there are who would give their right arm to change places with you?

The same thing happened to me 15 years ago my best friend and husband arranged a retirement/birthday surprise party ..
I thought had paid £25 for an evening with some friends to go to a tribute chippendale evening . But instead the venue was all for my party I made out it was the best night of my life and have never told a soul any different as it would have hurt their feelings .. I was disappointed not seeing the strippers ..

I'm with Baggs. The thought involved was completely thoughtless.

How is your husband about it now? Has he explained what got into him to do such a thing? Were your children involved?

Kenver60

The same thing happened to me 15 years ago my best friend and husband arranged a retirement/birthday surprise party ..
I thought had paid £25 for an evening with some friends to go to a tribute chippendale evening . But instead the venue was all for my party I made out it was the best night of my life and have never told a soul any different as it would have hurt their feelings .. I was disappointed not seeing the strippers ..

Lucky escape?

I wouldn’t pay 25p, let alone £25. Yuk.

annifrance

Has the OP has stopped to think how her family and friends would feel if they read her post.

It was all done out of love and friendship. I m sorry but I found her post mean minded and unappreciative, whatever she says. You are an adult, OP, get your big girl's pants on and get on with it.

A special birthday should be a happy event for the person surely? Why should she just get on with it?
I don’t think you have any idea how this made her feel. Her husband (of many years!) should have known better.

Actually she did put a brave face on for everyone…

i had my birthday yesterday .not much family meal out with my husband, doorbell went at 4pm,there stood my neighbour and her 7 year old daughter they sang happy birthday and thrust a card and present in my hand, i was so shocked.saw them at xmas and they asked when my birthday was, they got me a massive warm scarf,lovely card, i am really bad when people make a fuss of me, if i had a surprise party i would feel like you

My husband arranged a surprise party in a local restaurant for my 40th. He had 'taken me out' shopping that morning so I was in jeans and a jumper plus trainers - some make-up and wind blown hair. I loved every single minute of it. It included family, friends and work friends. I obviously didn't have the 'worry' of whether or not the kitchen floor was newly washed or the bathroom up to scratch so that would have helped but did think afterward that my lovely husband was a bit of a numpty not to tell me we were going for an intimate lunch and to dress up!!! There was also the fact that I had been working away from home during the week for a few months and was starting to get suspicious that he might have found himself a 'floozy' after all the hushed phone calls - it genuinely never crossed my mind that he would ever organise something like that - wonderful.

I fully understand how you felt, my birthday is in December and people are always busy which suits me fine. My next birthday is a big one and the conversation has been had - No big party, just a family gathering I also have a philosophy "what has happened has happened and can't be change so not worth spending time worrying about it. Enjoy the things you can influence"

The trouble with surprise parties is that someone else does the inviting and may miss out a special friend. Then the person whose birthday it is thinks you didn't want to come. I speak from experience!

I tend to start making suggestions about where to go for my birthday lunch well before my birthday because I'd much rather go out with family than have any of my family arrange a party. Fortunately my daughter understands who I am and I think she'd knock any surprise party plans on the head as soon as she knew about them.
Incidentally we did have a 40th anniversary party but I arranged it (in a restaurant) and it was everything I wanted, with many old friends and family there.

When my husband was 70 we had a lovely family lunch and invited his oldest friend and his wife. We always remember this day becaue his friend died months later and we are so glad he came so that we have happy memories of him.

You cannot change what happened - the husband thought he was being nice. It is not the point that 'some people don't even get birthday greetings, much less a card /gift by the nasty people they live with...' but, again, we should be thankful that someone thinks highly of us. Just make sure to indicate that this was a once-in-a-lifetime event, never to be repeated.

i had a special birthday last year and i told my family i did not want anything special, i said if they surprised me i would walk out, so the day comes and we are just going to go shopping and get some fast food like we usually do, they picked me up and made the excuse they had to pick up their older son, i was fine with that, we ended up going for a pub lunch but other family was there to meet us, i was so angry i went outside to calm down, i ended up sitting through a meal hardly saying a word, nobody enjoyed it and my son realised he had made a big mistake so he was not happy, the last straw was the big birthday cake, i ended up sitting in the car crying all the way home, when they dropped me off i was in such a state, i suffer from bad depression and anxiety and this just spoiled what should have been a nice day out. later that night i got a phone call from another family member telling me how selfish i was. i don't like the spotlight being on me and felt that my family should know this, nearly a year on and i still feel sick about that day, i have tried to forget about it but i know i will worry when each birthday comes around, i know it is silly but feel let down that family went behind my back.

I have waited 55 years for a birthday or anniversary surprise and this has upset me almost as much because it’s never happened, unless I organise it, and organising events like this is not my favourite kind of thing.
Sorry you were upset nexus. Try and forget about it now. Given your reaction it’s very unlikely it will happen again.

nexus63, that is entirely different from the OP. You had every reason to be upset as you had specifically said that you didn't want this sort of thing.

I don’t like mixing friends with work mates. I don’t think it’s weird at all. Too bad your husband didn’t quite understand your preferences. But it’s all in the past now.

For my 40th, when I was around 3 months pregnant with my very much wanted surprise baby, my SO, with whom I'd very happily been living in sin (!) for almost a decade, arranged a surprise meal at a restaurant. When we got there, both our entire families were waiting and it was a wonderful experience until he went down one one knee and proposed in front of them all. He only did it because his mother wanted our baby to have his surname, and whispered that info to me as the entire table erupted with glee. His brother got to his feet and declared to the entire restaurant that I was pregnant and his brother was 'making an honest woman of me at last.' I was mortified. My SO manipulated it beautifully and of course I was in no position to say no when everyone else was celebrating. I was the only sober one there and it felt like a bucket of ice had been chucked all over me. The marriage lasted 4 years. What should have been a lovely evening for my birthday ended up being all about him.

Ilovedragonflies

For my 40th, when I was around 3 months pregnant with my very much wanted surprise baby, my SO, with whom I'd very happily been living in sin (!) for almost a decade, arranged a surprise meal at a restaurant. When we got there, both our entire families were waiting and it was a wonderful experience until he went down one one knee and proposed in front of them all. He only did it because his mother wanted our baby to have his surname, and whispered that info to me as the entire table erupted with glee. His brother got to his feet and declared to the entire restaurant that I was pregnant and his brother was 'making an honest woman of me at last.' I was mortified. My SO manipulated it beautifully and of course I was in no position to say no when everyone else was celebrating. I was the only sober one there and it felt like a bucket of ice had been chucked all over me. The marriage lasted 4 years. What should have been a lovely evening for my birthday ended up being all about him.

How to end a marriage before it had even begun. I would have been furious. I didn’t even tell the people I worked with that I was pregnant.Some never did find out why I’d left work.

My DGD and I share a birthday . Last summer DGD was 18 and I was 70 on the same day and my DD wanted to do a joint birthday party, but I persuaded her to leave me out of it which was not that easy as I live with them .
Daughter did a cocktail garden party for DGD and all her friends with lots of food , drinks and music afternoon /evening and I hid in my bedroom for most of the time with our timid dog who doesn’t like crowds or noise . It was a lovely day and I got lots of cards and gifts , party balloons and a lovely cake even though I didn’t attend 😂