Excruciating experience - surprise birthday party

Everyone is different, my husband would be like you, but I would love it. He did a surprise party for my 50th, loved it, centre of attention for once 😊 Well it seems you cannot undo what has been done, but to find your own way of feeling embarrassed. Hope you feel better about it soon.

I think those of us that do struggle socially find it difficult to forget past social events. I still remember how I used to dread the works Christmas meal, always worried that no one would want to sit next to me and if they did found me boring. I can happily chat away to a complete stranger on a train but put me in a formal social event and I’m terrified. When I was coming up to retirement I used to dread going into the main office in case they sprung some sort of farewell event on me ( I can’t actually remember whether they did or not so it either didn’t happen, was very low key or was so awful I’ve blotted it from my memory…)

Poppyred I am not bitter I am grieving. Big difference between the 2 things.

Many of us truly love and appreciate our husbands (I do - and every day know how lucky I am) but still would like to discuss what we'd like for/on our birthdays.

@ Knitandnatter Why would you come on here and say how wonderful your day was when the OP obviously didn’t enjoy hers
Why ever not?
OP asked for ways to help her get over how she was feeling.
Any advice for me please on moving past this awful, sickly feeling of discomfort and embarrassment ?

This example of being proactive and a different approach seems to fit that pretty well.
When OP asks for help or advice, sympathy is fine but “there, there” doesn’t actually help her.

Whiff

Poppyred see how you feel when your husband dies and various threads are appearing with women moaning about there husband's . Get back to me when that day arrives.

I have been through that experience when I was younger than you Whiff . It hasn’t left me bitter, thankfully.

Poppyred see how you feel when your husband dies and various threads are appearing with women moaning about there husband's . Get back to me when that day arrives.

I would have been more annoyed that I didn't have the chance to put on my glad rags and get my hair and nails done.

It was nice to hear about how a party went well. Maybe a contrast to the OPs experience but no reason not to post.

Knitandnatter

I had a big birthday a few years ago and rather than risk a 'surprise' organised by my OH and my AC (OH siblings don't even bother sending birthdays cards so I wanted them out of the equation anyway) I took the lead and arranged Sunday lunch in a local country club hotel. There were just ten of us in a small private dining room, at no extra cost, and it was simply perfect.
OH and I paid for it all despite protests from my AC but it created such a beautiful memory for everyone. My perfect day!

Knitandnatter Why would you come on here and say how wonderful your day was when the OP obviously didn’t enjoy hers?

If this was a post about parties/surprise parties posters have known and loved then fine. But it’s not.

I think Pearly has mixed feelings and I’m sure realises her husband had the best of intentions, but unfortunately misjudged.
That was then and this is now Pearly, I hope, in a gentle, but firm way, you’ve let your family know you won’t appreciate a future repeat. That should firmly close the door and you can look forward.

My DIL arranged a secret party for me. My best friend, scheduled to collect and deliver me, leaked it to me beforehand. I arrived prepared, feigned surprise and disbelief. DIL was happy, I had some time to brace myself, everyone else thought it was all wonderful. Thank goodness for BFs
Hope you are feeling better Pearly34. You could plot some sort of revenge event for your DH (but maybe that's why I don't have one!)

Whiff

Sorry to sound harsh and this will most likely be deleted.

But be very grateful you have a husband that loves you so much he wanted to do something special for you. Of instead of complaining be happy you still have him in your life . Because it's bloody horrible when your husband dies.

Wish I still had mine to do things I liked and didn't like. I was widowed at 45 my husband was 47 . 20 years next month since he died.

This it totally unfair! So we are not allowed to have a moan about our husbands just because some gransnetters have lost theirs??

On revisiting the early posts of this thread I realise that OP DID appreciate the gesture
I was dying inside of deep embarrassment but at the same time feeling so deeply appreciative
So I would suggest focusing on this positive emotion instead of the negative (embarrassment or whatever) and also that there was no disrespect on the part of the party planners or guests.
OP was among friends and family who clearly care for her and wanted to celebrate a “big birthday”.
How much luckier than those who are ignored or neglected by (perhaps estranged or uncaring) family members or who have outlived friends and family and those who loved them.

Whiff No need to apologise. It needed to be said.

I feel sorry for your husband. Obviously, he didn't know you as well as you thought he did, but there were clearly many people who appreciated his invitation and who cared enough about you to celebrate your birthday with you - or so they believed. I like parties - even surprise ones - so please forgive me for being unable to understand your embarrassment. Please focus on the kindness of people who thought enough of you to come to your special party; and don't be upset with your husband who arranged the party out of love for you.

We organised a suprise party for my Dad's 80th birthday. It was a great success. However, I'm not sure how much of a suprise it actually was, as he came prepared with a long poem and speech for after the meal.
I was given a surprise 40th party by work colleagues which I appreciated and enjoyed as DH had done nothing. For other milestone birthdays I've taken the initiative and organised afternoon tea parties at a local hotel for friends and family I wanted to include.

I don't think "Not everyone likes surprises" is a difficult idea. One would hope a husband of many years would know his wife rather better than Pearly's seems to have done.

Minor irritations from partners are the stuff of life but big ones? Nope. That just shows complete ignorance of the other person.

Whiff
Not harsh at all, perfectly understandable and I agree, nobody really knows what it is like to lose the person you love and who loves you best unless they have been in your shoes.
Yes we are all different and I can understand not always liking surprises but I can also understand when there is nobody left who wants to create a pleasant surprise for you.

Sorry to sound harsh and this will most likely be deleted.

But be very grateful you have a husband that loves you so much he wanted to do something special for you. Of instead of complaining be happy you still have him in your life . Because it's bloody horrible when your husband dies.

Wish I still had mine to do things I liked and didn't like. I was widowed at 45 my husband was 47 . 20 years next month since he died.

How disrespectful to have YOUR wishes on YOUR special day completely steamrollered.
A surprise party for the unsuspecting "victim" must make them feel like they've just driven a car into a damn big brick wall, at speed.
So suddenly you have to be The Party Girl and stick on a smile that doesn't reach your heart, and be diplomatic with all those people who your Nearest & Dearest have dumped on you in your own home!
It seems like the organiser of the Surprise Nightmare decided that THEY wanted a party and used your birthday as a vehicle to realise this.
I do hope they got the sharp edge of your tongue for this......

I had a big birthday a few years ago and rather than risk a 'surprise' organised by my OH and my AC (OH siblings don't even bother sending birthdays cards so I wanted them out of the equation anyway) I took the lead and arranged Sunday lunch in a local country club hotel. There were just ten of us in a small private dining room, at no extra cost, and it was simply perfect.
OH and I paid for it all despite protests from my AC but it created such a beautiful memory for everyone. My perfect day!

On re-reading the OP, it seems to me that what upset Pearly the most was the fact that both family and work colleagues were there. She had expected and probably looked forward to just family, but it was the mix of family and work that bothered her.

I don’t mix family/work friends

That seems the real reason she was upset, and I can understand that. Family and work don’t always go together.

I would be so pleased if one of my admittedly small family took the time and effort to organise something nice for even one special big birthday or anniversary etc occasions. It’s never happened so if I don’t do it nothing would happen.
It’s our 55 th anniversary this year and I swore after all the work and stress organising our 50th to never do it again ( and i won’t).
Sorry you were upset, it’s fine now, you got through it but do tell your family you don’t want this done again .

Franbern so sad