To think this is weird?

kittylester

My thought was that it was odd (even intrusive) to go with her family.

Obviously, if she felt the need to see the body, that is up to her but I agree with MissA that it is a personal time.

When I've visited a deceased person at the undertakers (I've visited 4), I've sometimes gone with others and it was discussed who wants to go in, the order and the grouping. (it's a couple of moments of chatter). In my experience one or two go at a time, the others wait their turn. I prefer to go in alone, but someone may wish not to so I'd go in with them. The undertakers also had an appointment system so they know who is coming when, it's not a drop in. The 'friend and boss' may have gone to the undertakers with the family, but did not necessarily visit the deceased with them.

kittylester

My thought was that it was odd (even intrusive) to go with her family.

Obviously, if she felt the need to see the body, that is up to her but I agree with MissA that it is a personal time.

I wondered if the close relationship between the son and his mum's friend may have been such that he saw her as a strength.

When my mum died she had a very close friend who had stayed with us/her during the last weeks of mum's life. I can envisage going with this friend to see my mother if circumstances had been different.

I've seen three. The first was my father because my mother insisted and it was horrible he looked like someone else said like a waxwork,my dear dad wasn't there.
I sat with DH and his brother with their mother as she died in the hospital, all was peaceful and I even managed to kiss her goodbye.
The third was horrific. Our elderly neighbour had been dead for at least three hours when his wife came for us. The paramedics knew there was no urgency after speaking to DH. My neighbour insisted on sitting in the room opposite her husband who slowly slumped in a chair changing colour . One of the paramedics when they did arrive joked "At least he went in his favourite chair", no one laughed. Not an experience I would recommend.
I think it all depends on your feelings and the circumstances,I'll leave the choice to the family.

As many have already said, there are as many different ways of dealing with loss as there are posters on this thread, but I do find it odd the scenario in the OP.
When Dad died, Mum insisted on him being brought back to the house to spend his last night at home and I agreed to spend the night at home with Mum. I think neither of us was prepared for the coffin being left open, so we both had a few moments to say our goodbyes then just quietly shut the door. During that afternoon, a neighbour who was also a long-standing family friend came round, took a glass of whisky and went in to 'have a chat and a drink' with Dad. He's Irish and I think the Irish have a lovely approach to celebrating the life of passed friends.
I visited Mum at the funeral home the afternoon before her funeral - I didn't like to think of her going through her last day alone. Tbh she wasn't looking her best, as there had been a number of weeks between her passing and the funeral but I felt she would have wanted that last visit.

Just helped a friend fill in the forms for company to take her body away when she dies.. £1500, you just sign for who you want to pick up your ashes. No funeral! I tried talking her out of it but no she was adamant she didn’t want anyone to view her body or any one to say BS words at her funeral.. I’ll be sad because she’s a good friend & I’ll probably not even get to know when she dies

My thought was that it was odd (even intrusive) to go with her family.

Obviously, if she felt the need to see the body, that is up to her but I agree with MissA that it is a personal time.

I was wondering why kittylester seemed so upset about it Oldfrill - I'm not thinking it's weird. I have also stayed with a friend and her family as you described, and after death.

Not sure where you live but here it would likely only be family and close friends who might go to pay respects at the undertaker's.

I was just thinking that an "ex-boss" sounded a bit distant to be going when the deceased's son and wife.
I've re-read that this ex-boss is a close friend so maybe the son was actually pleased to have them there.

NotSpaghetti

Do we know that this person was only a "boss"?

The OP said she was a friend and her boss.
I don't think there's need for speculation.

I've sat with a family for hours watching their son and my friend die. It's sometimes what some friends do, others might think it's weird.

Do we know that this person was only a "boss"?

I think it's weird, the boss going to see her.
Perhaps they're just all very practical people and had room in the car for her friend.
I think its quite a personal time.

Elrel ' all my five children saw both my mum and my dad after death. They also touched them/stroked them and said their goodbyes
Mum was at home and Dad in the hospital.

After a post on here about children at funerals I asked them what they remembered. They were aged about 14 to very small.

Without exception they said they were asleep but "just weren't there" or words to that effect. None were as impacted by seeing grandparents dead as I was not being allowed to go to the funeral of my grandmother.

I too was left with "kind friends" by the way.

My dear dad passed away in my arms and he looked so peaceful and younger after many hours of pain. I did not want to see him in his coffin and suggested my family didn’t too, but I left it up to them to decide .. none of them did , preferring to remember him as was in years past..
I've yet to plan my funeral but I’ll definitely want eyeliner, mascara and lipstick put on before I reach the Pearly Gates !

NotSpaghetti - My daughter was 7 when my grandmother died. She and ‘Greatie’ were very close. My mother, her brother and sister in law arranged the funeral. A kind neighbour whom my daughter knew well came to stay with her while we went to the nearby church. When we got home my daughter was under a table crying inconsolably because we had all gone to ‘say goodbye to her Greatie’ and she was left behind.
Some years later a local doctor’s brother died comparatively young. She took her own child and her brother’s child, both 5 or 6, to see him, touch him, and say goodbye.

In my experience, you can go directly to the funeral director and make an appointment to view. You do not have to ask
the next of kin, why should you, I find it really strange to read this thread. If you are fond of someone and they die before you have a chance to say good-bye it is only natural to want to go and say good bye. I would regret it for the rest of my life if I did not. I have lost many of my own close family. cared for them to the end and viewed them all at the undertakers the day before cremation as a final farewell. If you love someone, you love them dead too. Nothing morbid or unpleasant about any of that. We all die and we need to speak more about death than we do, so it becomes a natural part of life.

This is very normal in the Netherlands. The body is brought to the house the night before the funeral for those who want to to see it. We found it strange.

I reluctantly went to see my Dad at my Mum's insistence. How I regret that. His face was set in a way that I recognised when he was cross with me - thin-lipped and stern. This was in 1975 and I still have this image in my head. I didn't visit my Mum, I couldn't bear for it to happen twice.

I found my mum dead one morning. The carer couldn’t get an answer so they phoned me to investigate. She was half in and half out of her bed and still warm. She was ill but it wasn’t expected so soon. I was okay with finding her but what really freaked me out was her eyes were half open I still get flashbacks to that.

I have'nt read the other posts from the other lovely posters so as not to be influenced.
Firstly I'm very sorry for the loss of your friend.
I presume that the family agreed to the friend and ex-boss otherwise how would they know who and therefore where the Undertaker was?
I suppose wanting to view the dead who are our friends or family is a very personal thing. I didn't find it easy viewing my beloved late mother . Presumably viewing meant a lot to the extra viewers ? Why else would they go ?
Thinking perhaps a tad tactless to view with the family ? Mind you everyone would be upset? As I'm sure you know you can be just as upset about your friend as the family are , perhaps more so.
You'll never know if the friend and boss approached the family or Not. Things can get very random where funerals are concerned and everyone is upset so I'd try not to dwell on it. Best of luck on the day.

To me its a personal choice, i have seen relations and friends, that has been
entirely my choice, i am not bothered who comes to see me, the only important issue i stipulate is that I have my lippy on ( 😂🤣😅😆)

Well said grandtanteJE65
We all use whatever we have to feel better I think.

I am sorry for your loss.

Personally, I have had no desire to see any loved one after he or she had been placed in their coffin, but I would not have objected if any friends or former colleagues of the deceased had asked if they might do so.

When I was a child in Scotland (1950s and 1960s) those who died at home were laid out in their own newly made bed, and adults visiting to pay their respects were, as a matter of course, expected to go in and look at the departed person.

I myself have viewed the bodies of my parents, my maternal aunt, and my husband after they were laid out in their hospital beds and I am glad that I did, but I told the undertaker that I did not wish to be present when any of them were laid in their coffins.

To me there is nothing weird in anyone wishing to view a deceased person they knew in life. This is just a way of paying your respects to the dead.

Customs vary so much from one part of any country to another that I think we need to be careful not to call someone else's way of paying their respects odd or weird.

I haven't read all the replies, sorry it's up to 3 pages now, but here in SC, US, many, if not most, who have traditional funerals have what is called a "viewing" or a "wake" for anyone to come see the embalmed body. Sometimes it's the night before the actual funeral, or earlier on the day of, or an hour before the actual funeral. People file by a few at a time, sit around and chat/comfort the grieving, or visit with long-missed family/friends. After the service is over in the funeral home or church, the pallbearers carry the coffin out to the funeral home's hearse to take it to the cemetery and there's another short service there before it's lowered into the ground. Finally, after all of that, food has been brought in or prepared by family/friends, and most who are close to the deceased go to the home for food. It can be an all-day ordeal. My DH and I are being cremated with very little to do outside whatever our kids want.

nexus63 I have "coffin photos" of some Welsh relatives.
I think it's odd but don't fancy it myself.

Do people still make death masks I wonder?

We’re all different in our regards to a loved one dying. My fil and mil both came from large families and it was normal to visit them at the funeral home.
I saw my mil at the funeral home , I wasn’t keen but my fil insisted and he was devastated, he adored her , so I went in . She looked waxy and felt cold , she didn’t look like my mil.
When my father died very suddenly, I didn’t visit him. My brother got married 3 weeks before my df died and I prefer to remember him at the wedding and full of life ,
My fil died in hospital, I’d just left and got home when we got the call , so my dh and I went back to see him. Because it was so close after his final breath , he looked no different from normal . So I decided not to see him at the home .
Both my in laws and their siblings were keen on having a rose or a plaque in a garden of remembrance. And would go regularly and chat to them .
My mother still has my dads ashes on her bookcase , she likes having his ashes near rather than under a rose .
I chat to my in-laws and my father when I’m dusting their photos as their photos are how I like to remember them .

I think it’s odd!

I was with both my Mum and Dad when they died. I didn’t go and see my dad at the chapel of rest, but I did see my mum, after some delay, with my 23 year old daughter because she wanted to and was very close to my mum.

My mum looked like a waxwork and I wish I’d never gone!