Would you be a little hurt…

The first summer aftef DH died DS and DIL invited me to join them on holiday abroad.. I took up their genetous offer. Same for this year with DSs inlaws joining us as they jokingly expressed they were miffed they hadn't been invited last year. They did though fully understand why I had been invited as they have several holidays on their own each year. We all get on really well. I would not be upset if I had not been asked if I wanted to go again. Just because I was included once doesn't mean I should be again.

Germanshepherdsmum

Most working people get about 4 weeks’ holiday, plus bank holidays. Apart from going away on holiday, working parents have to take odd days off for school-related events or if a child is ill. Just how much holiday allowance do this couple have, which parents want to monopolise?

I asked this way upthread, but there has been no response. I would also like to know whether the OP and her son have been talking behind the DIL’s back.

did you expect to go on holidaying with them every year ?
it seems an unsustainable situation to me.

Most working people get about 4 weeks’ holiday, plus bank holidays. Apart from going away on holiday, working parents have to take odd days off for school-related events or if a child is ill. Just how much holiday allowance do this couple have, which parents want to monopolise?

Maybe have a wee chat with her and ask if there was anything you did that has maybe made her not want holidays with her in laws. Being open with her means you might get the real reason, which might not be as hurtful as it appears to be. This way she can explain if she is considering one holiday with one side of the family and alternating it.. as I think having both sets of parents could become overwhelming, and they maybe can’t afford 3 holidays per year, one with her parents, one with you, and one for themselves. Just ask as a matter of interest, not as you’ve taken offence.

OP, I think your son has a lot to answer for. In any good marriage a husband and wife should be a united front. He should not be telling you how upset he is behind his wife's back or sharing her private medical details with you against her will.

He needs to cut the apron strings and grow up. He has his own little family now which should be his priority. Happy wife, happy life as they say. I suspect his running to mummy does nothing to endear DIL to you.

I guess maybe your DIL does think their last trip with you was a bit of a disappointment because you were taken ill, and she doesn’t want to risk a repeat? I would just “park” the whole issue for now, and maybe make tentative suggestions later in the year about a weekend away in 2025? I can also see that she would be far more comfortable going away with her own parents than a MIL!

NotSpaghetti

My sentiments exactly. It's been a long time since I was with my children's father, but if a two week holiday with his parents had been suggested I would have declined forcefully. That said, two weeks with my own parents wouldn't happen either, as much I adore them! They'd probably say the same, mind

some of these can hardly be serious.

DonnaB5959

Yes, I would be hurt. I would feel rejected and upset. I think those are the true normal human reactions and you should not feel badly for having those feelings.

Having said that - I think One option would be us to say “ How lovely. And then next year it can be two weeks with just us - our turn. We know how you try to be fair re time with yourselves and the grandchildren so I expect that is what you were thinking. We should start now to plan what we will do with OUR two weeks”.

TWO WEEKS 😱

Only my son has children and we have never suffered from this DiL's family coming first. Nor did DH's parents, we were meticulously fair in how we spread our time.

In fact it was my mother who thought we favoured DH's parents (who she got on very well with them). It was just that DH's parents didn't drive and were older and iller, so as they aged we did need to prioritise them.

As far as DiL is concerned, the two families have become one, we stay with each other, have holidayed together and DiL's mother, being local and a widow has played a very different role in our shared DGC's lives than us.

There was never any rivalry between me and my DiLs' parents. I went on many caravan holidays with DS1 and his family. I liked his parents very much and am so sad now that they have died and left me sole GP. My ex lives about 8000 miles away and isn't interested. When our boys were young, we lived in the Midlands, my parents in Yorkshire and his in Kent. Distance is a great solution to potential rivalry.

Unfortunately being the mum of sons we always second to the dil family no matter what it is and I truly don’t think that there they aware of doing this. Mines always saying must include you more. Dil to be said when go wedding dress shopping you have to come. I said yes that would be nice. Few weeks later she said oh did I tell you me and my mum got my dress so I was forgot. My other dil brought her wedding dress with me but me and her mum live few hundred miles away, so that was why she went separately. Have you asked your son why you haven’t been invited this time

Cateq

My lovely late MIL came on holiday with severals times and spent most mother days and Christmas with us because she felt most comfortable being with us and when she’d had enough of our boys she asked to be taken home. There was never any arguments we were just happy to spend time with her. Where as my nil’s wife definitely preferred her side of the family and she didn’t try to hide, which my mil was hurt by. Now my boys are grown up we have no expectations of being favoured over our dil’s families, we just enjoy whatever time we get to spend with them.

Surely noone would say that and expect to be invited to anything again.

DonnaB5959

Yes, I would be hurt. I would feel rejected and upset. I think those are the true normal human reactions and you should not feel badly for having those feelings.

Having said that - I think One option would be us to say “ How lovely. And then next year it can be two weeks with just us - our turn. We know how you try to be fair re time with yourselves and the grandchildren so I expect that is what you were thinking. We should start now to plan what we will do with OUR two weeks”.

I was quoting, didn't carry to my post.

Really?

Your feelings would be "hurt" because someone else didn't choose to spend their holiday as you wished?

Second paragraph: NO, do not ever be that selfish.

Work on amusing yourself, perhaps?

I agree.
You really can't blame young couples for opting out of these arrangements, when they become more of an obligation.

Anyway, who would be happy to go away, knowing they had manipulated their family into including them?

It is. And a fast track to estrangement.

DonnaB5959

Yes, I would be hurt. I would feel rejected and upset. I think those are the true normal human reactions and you should not feel badly for having those feelings.

Having said that - I think One option would be us to say “ How lovely. And then next year it can be two weeks with just us - our turn. We know how you try to be fair re time with yourselves and the grandchildren so I expect that is what you were thinking. We should start now to plan what we will do with OUR two weeks”.

Very manipulative.

My lovely late MIL came on holiday with severals times and spent most mother days and Christmas with us because she felt most comfortable being with us and when she’d had enough of our boys she asked to be taken home. There was never any arguments we were just happy to spend time with her. Where as my nil’s wife definitely preferred her side of the family and she didn’t try to hide, which my mil was hurt by. Now my boys are grown up we have no expectations of being favoured over our dil’s families, we just enjoy whatever time we get to spend with them.

Yes, I would be hurt. I would feel rejected and upset. I think those are the true normal human reactions and you should not feel badly for having those feelings.

Having said that - I think One option would be us to say “ How lovely. And then next year it can be two weeks with just us - our turn. We know how you try to be fair re time with yourselves and the grandchildren so I expect that is what you were thinking. We should start now to plan what we will do with OUR two weeks”.

Cynnybobbooboo66

Why don't you all go and have the one holiday together , both sets of grandparents can then enjoy time together too with the grandchildren

Read the thread.

It is fairly common that, as wives do most of the organising, things tend to be in favour of HER parents.
Is it possible that they cannot afford 3 holidays any more? You may get your chance next year?

Yes I would be sad,but you mustn’t show it,just say I quite understand & book a nice little trip for yourselves.View it from your daughter-in-laws side,busy all year with children,husband,work etc she probably needs a rest & to do completely as she wants with her family.Figure out something special you can do for a day with them later on & make that your special time with your sons family.

we never went away with either set of parents on holiday, just visited their homes or they came to us. I don't think we would have had enough common interests.. Why don't you invite the grandchildren to stay with you for a few days and give their parents a chance to go away together?