SIL who has had Total Knee Replacement

Overthemoongran

I think your SiL is lucky that you’ve done as much as you have. I had both knees replaced, eleven months apart. I wasn’t allowed home until I could prove I could manage stairs ( I do have a downstairs toilet, but that was still the rule). I didn’t need help with the exercises, you just do them yourself , and I certainly didn’t want or need help washing or with other personal care. Before both ops I cooked lots of meals and froze them, but if she hasn’t been so organised then online supermarket deliveries could be arranged for ready meals. It sounds as if she is taking you for granted, you have your own life to lead, say “ no more”.

I've had both done as well, I was able to do everything except drive and walk dogs when I arrived home. I'd frozen meals in advance, could wash my hair in kitchen sink, was easily able to toilet and just got on with it.

Sil, in this case, is asking way too much of OP. Just say "no thank you".

I think your SiL is lucky that you’ve done as much as you have. I had both knees replaced, eleven months apart. I wasn’t allowed home until I could prove I could manage stairs ( I do have a downstairs toilet, but that was still the rule). I didn’t need help with the exercises, you just do them yourself , and I certainly didn’t want or need help washing or with other personal care. Before both ops I cooked lots of meals and froze them, but if she hasn’t been so organised then online supermarket deliveries could be arranged for ready meals. It sounds as if she is taking you for granted, you have your own life to lead, say “ no more”.

You have been very kind with what you have done so far.....if you are willing, could you suggest popping a couple of times over the next few weeks as you already have plans?

As many others have said, people have to cope alone although I do appreciate that people can and do react / respond to surgery differently.

You say she asked you a few weeks ago to stay with her “for a few days” after her op’.

You’ve done that so don’t feel bad. Anything else should have been discussed and agreed between you and at that time you could have told her no.

Everyone needs help after such surgery - just putting on the compression stockings can be a nightmare. Healing takes time and with a lot of input - so she organizes her family, speaks to her surgery, pays for private nurse/caring, whatever. This should, together with provisions and people on hand to run the odd errand should have all been organised well before surgery.
It cannot be left to you.

My daughter-in-law's mother has just had that same surgery, and managing with the family popping in once a day just to check if there's anything she needs help with. She's hobbling around on crutches feeding herself, managing her medications, doing her exercises.

On a couple of occasions she's telephoned to say no-need-to-come-round, I'm doing OK! She's nearly 80 and is planning her next trip to Australia.

You are definitely not being unreasonable and if she has a brother and sister nearby she's being very unreasonable in expecting you to do what they should be doing. Also, the niece calling in once a day should be enough.

I'm puzzled why she feels it's OK to put the onus on you?

Knees are worse than hips for a lot of people but like others on here she should be doing more for herself everyone I know who has had that op has been living on their own and had little personal help She should get microvaable meals and do her exercises and rest she doesn’t need someone with her for that
I have no understanding why you had to sleep on the sofa you don’t have to be next to her !!!

Tell her you can’t manage any more as you ve got stuff booked then alert the brother and sister and up to them then
I think she’s expecting far far too much I bet if it was any of us we d all be managing ourselves
Enough is enough

Thank you for all your very clear advice. I have agreed to go tonight but will say this is probably my last night.
I think me doing everything for her is not helping. She can get to the downstairs toilet on her crutches so why do I have to stay overnight.
She still hasn’t managed her stairs although the hospital told her not to sleep downstairs. I have gone through her exercises a number of times, she must be able to do them on her own.
I will offer to get half a dozen microwave meals that she can manage herself.
It will have to be enough, otherwise she will have to have carers.

This seems unfair. Make a list of things you are prepared to do and things not, although she sounds so demanding I doubt she would compromise. She has had knee surgery, not a heart transplant, although she sounds as if she needs one of those lol!

You sound very caring but have let her take advantage of you. Have clearer boundaries next time.

I might even seek some advice as to what the hospital have told her, and show it to her.

Some people see medical interventions of any kind as reasons for people to feel sorry for them, and wear their conditions like a badge. I know a few people like this and they get short-shrift from me!

Your sister should have made arrangements to have ready meals in the house and the house cleaned and the washing done before she went in hospital. My daughter in law, aged 52 had a total knee replacement and was in hospital 3 days, she was given exercises to do and was on crutches but she and my son ensured that there was plenty of food in the house, everything spotless and up to date so all she had to do was follow the hospitals instructions. My son took three days off (including the weekend) and my daughter in law said she was better on her own as all she had to do was stick a ready meal in the microwave and my son made his own meals when he came home from work.

Your sister in law is playing you for a fool.

I think she's taking the mickey tbh. My tkr didn't go well and is still causing me problems but from day one of the surgery I was able to wash and dress myself. I couldn't get about very well but still managed to go to the loo on my own. I think she's milking it, why can't she do her own medication? She might well have problems cooking but she could have prepared things in advance. Anyway someone popping in once a day should be sufficient.

As long as she has you as a live in servant she won't get any better. She needs to get a grip and get on! A visit from her niece once a day should be fine.

As her SiL I think you have done enough. If her brother and sister don't want to look after her the least they can do is arrange for some care for her.
You have your own commitments and can't spend all your time looking after her.

Sounds like you both had different expectations as to what this involved.

You need to tell her that you didn’t expect to be needed for so long and do not want to do anymore for her, if she doesn’t know how you feel then will keep asking and she needs to be able to make other arrangements.

No, you are not being unreasonable at all. If she isn't prepared to ask her own brother and sister then she must consider paying for care at home although many hospitals do operate a team of post-discharge carers for around six weeks if it is needed which is free of charge.
I am also amazed at all what she asked you to do - seriously, did you have to help with the exercises??