SIL who has had Total Knee Replacement

No, you are not being unreasonable at all. If she isn't prepared to ask her own brother and sister then she must consider paying for care at home although many hospitals do operate a team of post-discharge carers for around six weeks if it is needed which is free of charge.
I am also amazed at all what she asked you to do - seriously, did you have to help with the exercises??

Sounds like you both had different expectations as to what this involved.

You need to tell her that you didn’t expect to be needed for so long and do not want to do anymore for her, if she doesn’t know how you feel then will keep asking and she needs to be able to make other arrangements.

As her SiL I think you have done enough. If her brother and sister don't want to look after her the least they can do is arrange for some care for her.
You have your own commitments and can't spend all your time looking after her.

As long as she has you as a live in servant she won't get any better. She needs to get a grip and get on! A visit from her niece once a day should be fine.

I think she's taking the mickey tbh. My tkr didn't go well and is still causing me problems but from day one of the surgery I was able to wash and dress myself. I couldn't get about very well but still managed to go to the loo on my own. I think she's milking it, why can't she do her own medication? She might well have problems cooking but she could have prepared things in advance. Anyway someone popping in once a day should be sufficient.

Your sister should have made arrangements to have ready meals in the house and the house cleaned and the washing done before she went in hospital. My daughter in law, aged 52 had a total knee replacement and was in hospital 3 days, she was given exercises to do and was on crutches but she and my son ensured that there was plenty of food in the house, everything spotless and up to date so all she had to do was follow the hospitals instructions. My son took three days off (including the weekend) and my daughter in law said she was better on her own as all she had to do was stick a ready meal in the microwave and my son made his own meals when he came home from work.

Your sister in law is playing you for a fool.

This seems unfair. Make a list of things you are prepared to do and things not, although she sounds so demanding I doubt she would compromise. She has had knee surgery, not a heart transplant, although she sounds as if she needs one of those lol!

You sound very caring but have let her take advantage of you. Have clearer boundaries next time.

I might even seek some advice as to what the hospital have told her, and show it to her.

Some people see medical interventions of any kind as reasons for people to feel sorry for them, and wear their conditions like a badge. I know a few people like this and they get short-shrift from me!

Thank you for all your very clear advice. I have agreed to go tonight but will say this is probably my last night.
I think me doing everything for her is not helping. She can get to the downstairs toilet on her crutches so why do I have to stay overnight.
She still hasn’t managed her stairs although the hospital told her not to sleep downstairs. I have gone through her exercises a number of times, she must be able to do them on her own.
I will offer to get half a dozen microwave meals that she can manage herself.
It will have to be enough, otherwise she will have to have carers.

Knees are worse than hips for a lot of people but like others on here she should be doing more for herself everyone I know who has had that op has been living on their own and had little personal help She should get microvaable meals and do her exercises and rest she doesn’t need someone with her for that
I have no understanding why you had to sleep on the sofa you don’t have to be next to her !!!

Tell her you can’t manage any more as you ve got stuff booked then alert the brother and sister and up to them then
I think she’s expecting far far too much I bet if it was any of us we d all be managing ourselves
Enough is enough

My daughter-in-law's mother has just had that same surgery, and managing with the family popping in once a day just to check if there's anything she needs help with. She's hobbling around on crutches feeding herself, managing her medications, doing her exercises.

On a couple of occasions she's telephoned to say no-need-to-come-round, I'm doing OK! She's nearly 80 and is planning her next trip to Australia.

You are definitely not being unreasonable and if she has a brother and sister nearby she's being very unreasonable in expecting you to do what they should be doing. Also, the niece calling in once a day should be enough.

I'm puzzled why she feels it's OK to put the onus on you?

You say she asked you a few weeks ago to stay with her “for a few days” after her op’.

You’ve done that so don’t feel bad. Anything else should have been discussed and agreed between you and at that time you could have told her no.

Everyone needs help after such surgery - just putting on the compression stockings can be a nightmare. Healing takes time and with a lot of input - so she organizes her family, speaks to her surgery, pays for private nurse/caring, whatever. This should, together with provisions and people on hand to run the odd errand should have all been organised well before surgery.
It cannot be left to you.

You have been very kind with what you have done so far.....if you are willing, could you suggest popping a couple of times over the next few weeks as you already have plans?

As many others have said, people have to cope alone although I do appreciate that people can and do react / respond to surgery differently.

I think your SiL is lucky that you’ve done as much as you have. I had both knees replaced, eleven months apart. I wasn’t allowed home until I could prove I could manage stairs ( I do have a downstairs toilet, but that was still the rule). I didn’t need help with the exercises, you just do them yourself , and I certainly didn’t want or need help washing or with other personal care. Before both ops I cooked lots of meals and froze them, but if she hasn’t been so organised then online supermarket deliveries could be arranged for ready meals. It sounds as if she is taking you for granted, you have your own life to lead, say “ no more”.

Overthemoongran

I think your SiL is lucky that you’ve done as much as you have. I had both knees replaced, eleven months apart. I wasn’t allowed home until I could prove I could manage stairs ( I do have a downstairs toilet, but that was still the rule). I didn’t need help with the exercises, you just do them yourself , and I certainly didn’t want or need help washing or with other personal care. Before both ops I cooked lots of meals and froze them, but if she hasn’t been so organised then online supermarket deliveries could be arranged for ready meals. It sounds as if she is taking you for granted, you have your own life to lead, say “ no more”.

I've had both done as well, I was able to do everything except drive and walk dogs when I arrived home. I'd frozen meals in advance, could wash my hair in kitchen sink, was easily able to toilet and just got on with it.

Sil, in this case, is asking way too much of OP. Just say "no thank you".

I suspect that your SIL thought that after a couple of days she would be ok.
I can imagine that she has lost any confidence she once had in getting up and down stairs, it’s not a small op and everyone reacts differently to the anaesthetic and the medication ( which can be confusing with different pills and the timings)
I looked after MissOops after she had her knees done and she was in a lot of pain, fortunately we are in a bungalow so we didn’t have the stairs. I had to do a chart to keep her pill timings straight.
It’s a shame that you cant look after her but could you organise her pills and food or arrange for someone else to do it for her for a few more days?
I’m sure she will be grateful.

Yes, unless she is very frail / disabled she is certainly taking advantage of you.
I had both my knees done , 6 months apart and able to do most everything with a little bit of thought and alteration.
Give her a few ideas on how to make things easier for herself and leave her to it now.

I too have recently has TKR. As a PP said I couldn't be discharged from hospital until I had proven I could walk up and down stairs (using one crutch). I was also expected to wash and use the toilet independently before being discharged - 3 days. I am fortunate in that my husband has retired but he is still out the house a fair bit doing what he usually does. I am now pretty self sufficient after 5 weeks apart from driving. Could your SIL order frozen ready meals from one of the companies that specialise in them. It may be that your SIL is struggling emotionally rather than on a practical level. It is a complex surgical procedure that may have taken its toll on her more than she expected. I’m not sure what support would be available for her on an emotional level though unless she has a physio who can reassure her that she can and should do things on her own and this will develop her confidence.

I would tell her if I hadn’t planned to come back as she had asked you to stop for a few day, which you did. I wouldn't be able to sleep on a couch and she would have been looking after me. Ask her to ask her sister and brother. She has taken a lot for granted and should have had a care package.

I think you have done your bit. I had a thr last June and went home to manage on my own. I honestly would have preferred a few more days I hospital but was discharged and that was it. I was super organised before I went into have the op, read as much as I could about what I could do to enable me to cope on my own and I did manage. I know that a tkr is trickier but the fact that I just had to get on with things definitely helped my recovery - if I wanted a drink, something to eat, etc I just had to do it. Perhaps you need to have a serious talk with sil and see what help other family members or her local authority could provide.

Your sister -in-law will go on bullying you for as long as you allow her. I cannot believe she expects you to look after her for a month! Tell her firmly tonight is the last night; get in some instant meals for the next few days and tell her to prepare a plan of how she will manage.
It is tough managing on your own but plenty of us do it and she will have to learn.
Say you will call by before the weekend and GO.

I had a TKR.. Before discharge I had to prove I could go up and down the stairs.
She might need a little help to pre plan a few things. Perhaps a stool in the bathroom and one in the kitchen to perch on. She can't have a shower until her stitches are out or have dissolved, if she has a couple of grabbers it amazing how much you can do with them, especially helping to dress. She would also been shown how to get into bed pre discharged, tbh she should be okay.
She just needs to ask other members of the family to pop in to see if she needs some shopping etc , in a few weeks she will be good to go.

1summer

Thank you for all your very clear advice. I have agreed to go tonight but will say this is probably my last night.
I think me doing everything for her is not helping. She can get to the downstairs toilet on her crutches so why do I have to stay overnight.
She still hasn’t managed her stairs although the hospital told her not to sleep downstairs. I have gone through her exercises a number of times, she must be able to do them on her own.
I will offer to get half a dozen microwave meals that she can manage herself.
It will have to be enough, otherwise she will have to have carers.

I think you’ve done more than enough and hope your chat this evening makes that clear.

I live independently and planned in advance before I had both TKRs at different times. I had organised a weekly cleaner and the same person changed my bedding weekly. I could pop items in washing machine but I could not hang stuff outdoors for a few weeks.

I did online shopping and the driver brought everything to my kitchen so I unpacked at my leisure.

Many meals were microwavable, either pre-made and frozen by me or "off the shelf".

I was allowed to shower- I used a stool I bought via Amazon. It took me ages but I was not going anywhere!

Commom sense and planning ahead. You should go home and rest, she will never get better if she does zilch.

1summer

My SIL - who is a widow and both her children live abroad asked me a few weeks ago to stay with her for a few days after her op. I must admit I was totally naive as I do not know anyone who has had a TKR.
I took her to the hospital last Monday and then had to collect her on Wednesday evening, I wasn’t warned about the amount of kit she had to bring home really struggled in my little car.
I stayed with her for 3 nights and she had organised a very good quality blow up bed to sleep on downstairs, but she expected me to sleep on a very uncomfortable leather sofa.
I didn’t realise the extent that I was going to be her carer, helping washing, going to toilet,helping exercising, organising tablets, cooking, cleaning etc.
By Saturday morning I was exhausted but she knew I had to go home to organise my daughters baby shower yesterday. She had asked a friend to stay the weekend but from today her friend looks after grandchildren.
I was a bit shocked she was expecting me back today and said it would be for at least a month!
I cannot go today as I look after my granddaughter but she has said about 6pm fine to get her dinner and stay night!
But as I wasn’t expecting this I have plans for for my week which will be difficult to cancel.
AIBU to say I cannot do this, on one hand I feel guilty but also resentful I have to do this. She has a brother and sister who live nearby and are not interested in looking after her. Her niece lives around the corner from her and has said she can call in once a day.

It sounds to me like you are implying that because she is an in law you don’t think she “deserves” the same level of care an actual sibling would get.

To me it shouldn’t be about blood but about the seriousness of the surgery. Aren’t in laws supposed to be family as well once married?