You sound very immature. If you’re arguing so much with the bf before you move in with him, what’s it going to be like once you’re living together?
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AIBU
Is it me or am I getting mixed messages
(67 Posts)Hello
I am feeling a bit upset and would like some opinions.
Me and my bf have been going through a bit of a tough patch. I havent really trusted him due to my own past isues and vowed to make things right and I have been and have been trusting and things have been great.
One thing he keeps telling me is that I am not vulnerable. He says that I need to believe him when he says he is going to do something. He says I have no patience. I do have patience but sometimes he says he will do something and months later it still isnt done. When I ask him he says "you just dont trust that I will do it" / "you're not being vulnerable".
We have spoken about moving in together and at the begining he would tell me me how much he loved me and wants to get married, have kids and live in our forever home. I feel he has taken a step back which he denies. He has alot of work needing done to his house before he sells. He said he would be looking to sell between June - Sept this year. In the meantime, we both said it would be good if I moved in while this happens. In the interim. I have agreed but said I didnt want to live there forever. The home isnt suitable for us both and our pets and what we want to do - think old house in the middle of nowhere - no garden space and isnt suitable for my dog. He agreed that it isnt suitable for us.
Recently, he has been saying alot that he can't wait til we live together. When I say to him, me too, when can I move in - lets settle a date.. he then gets annoyed "it doesnt work like that, you need to tell me what you need in order to move in before you move in - people you work towards dates arent practical people". I then told him a while ago, in order for me to move in, I need a few more drawers at his house and some rail space (he has a huge rail in a seperate bedroom for his clothes). He agreed. Last night, I asked if we can pick a date, he got angry and said no... and repeated the date stuff again. He then said i need to tell him what I need. I said that I did and then he got annoyed "you havent said which room you want to put your stuff in, you havent said where you want your clothes to go" - I said I need some space and it is his place to tell me where I can put my stuff, in his house.
Last night I said I wanted to talk more about moving in as he works from home and i need to think about the commute and the living arrangements for my dog so its good for her. He agreed. I then asked if he can guarantee the house will be on the market at the end of the year he said he didnt know but thats the plan. I then said that we both agreed I would move in for a little while not for a year or two. He got angry and said that it might be next spring. I said that's okay, but can you guarantee that and he said no. I am asking him to guarantee things he isnt in control of. He then said that he is saving alot of money to fix his house and I am adding pressure. I asked how. He said that all I want to do is spend money and he simply cannot afford to do both - i.e. keep me happy with plans and work on his house. I said that wasnt the case and that I wanted to discuss this more so if there is plans we need to cut back on, we will. He then said we will have no time to talk about this - I said why cant we make the time? He then got arsy and said that I am wanting details of his spending. I then said about spending money, and highlighted that I wanted to see a theatre show, which he said he would buy tickets for. When looking at prices, he said, "oh for that price, lets price up london, travel down for a night or two and book a hotel". I said I would be happy leaving that if it's going to be an additional cost so it isnt me pushing for money, it is him sometimes. He then snapped "well, we wont go then, will we!". I asked repeatedly why he was being like this and that It feels like he is blowing hot and cold. He then had to rush off saying "I am going to be late, will you please let me leave" - so I did and he said "speak later". an hour later, I called him to say why this conversation had upset me (he lives an hour away, by the way). He answered and said sorry, I just went for a sleep before my 11am meeting. I then said "I thought you had to rush away and I was making you late, late for what? Have you been sleeping this whole time" he then said "no I fucking havent been!" - "I then said "dont get annoyed, I am asking you a question" and then he hung up. This was 4 hours ago and he wont answer any calls.
I guess I don’t know where I stand. I think hanging up on someone is really disrespectful. I have told him this. I said if he needs to cool off or wants space he should tell me this. I said I hate that he hangs up and leaves me hanging for hours.
What do you think?
Please don’t just say end things. I am looking for opinions?
Oh my goodness. If this is true let’s hope there is no baby born. They both sound like petulant teenagers. Although mine were more sensible.
You wrote that the house was isolated and not suitable for your dog and other pets. So, why are you thinking of moving there?
Slow down the relationship and watch and wait to see if he will put the house on the market/ do repairs etc. If he doesn't, leave him.
PS Do you love each other? I can't see any signs of it in your post.
1. (Echoing Shelflife) - absolutely do not even think about bringing a baby into all this.
2. I'm slightly mystified as to why he keeps telling you you are not 'vulnerable.' Have you told him that you are?
3. I get the feeling that the pair of you are chronic overthinkers and digging yourself deep into a 'relationship' of your imagination. Really, this isn't a 'relationship', is it? It's a lot of words which don't actually add up to much, other than that BOTH of you should get out as soon as possible.
4. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's pretty plain that that is the only solution to this mess. You will get over each other and, hopefully, form a more straightforward relationship where you can both be content.
Your mess !!!!!
If this is real , then you need to get real DancingQueeny! Clearly he is not really wanting you to move it - he certainly isn't making it easy is he!? This relationship seems toxic, three words of advice that I know you do not want to ' hear'
1 . DO NOT GET PREGNANT , get back on the pill assp. Why bring a child into to our mess?
2 . Terminate your relationship with this man , move on , get your own n life .
3. Be happy.
Well, no, not really, actually.
He obviously doesn't want to live with the op; if he did, he would. It's that simple.
So, he is stalling for time, making excuses, and generally not allowing himself to be bamboozled into having her live with him.
Of course! 
MissAdventure - are you being sarcastic?
Oh, and if you do move in and have a baby together you're out in the middle of nowhere with lord knows how many miles to a doctor or any emergency help should you or the baby need any!!
He sounds very sensible to me.
I suggest staying in your own places.
But, as he works from home couldn't he move into your house? You know your dog is alright there and I'm assuming your commute to work wouldn't be too much of an issue if you stayed at yours!
But I don't understand, if he lives in the middle of nowhere, why can't he fence off a part for your dog to roam in?
It sounds very much like he doesn't really want you to move in, at least not full-time, so I'd put the baby on hold for now or you could be looking at being a single parent!!
How far from you does he live?
And he can't guarantee his house would be sold any time soon even if he does get it up to scratch!
He wants you to be vulnerable, and you question your future with him, tell him you are off. No one should be vulnerable
Here is the definition
Similar:
in danger
in peril
in jeopardy
at risk
endangered
unsafe
unprotected
ill-protected
unguarded
open to attack
attackable
assailable
exposed
wide open
undefended
unshielded
unfortified
unarmed
without arms
without weapons
defenceless
easily hurt/wounded/damaged
powerless
helpless
pregnable
impuissant
resistless
exposed to
open to
wide open to
liable to
prone to
prey to
susceptible to
subject to
not above
in danger of
at risk of
at the mercy of
an easy target for
easily affected by
in the firing line
susceptive of
Opposite:
well protected
invulnerable
resilient
immune to
above
(of a person) in need of special care, support, or protection because of age, disability, or risk of abuse or neglect.
I have also listed the opposites which is what most people aim to be.
If I was in your shoes I would run a mile and quickly.
Sorry but he sounds so much like hard work. If you can’t sort all these decisions out BEFORE you are married- I would have serious doubts about having a future with him. Best of luck.
You sort of lost me after half a page with very few paragraphs,
For what its worth you sound like a planner and an organizer - nothing wrong with that as I too am a planner. However your BF sounds like a "faffer" who is not ready to commit. He likes to move at his own speed of dead slow and stop and that is not a good combination.
I think you had best cut your losses and find someone who is ready to commit to a relationship and do something a bit more concrete than make pie in the sky plans.
I believe you would get similar advice on Mumsnet but more harshly put.
I’ve thought about your post on and off today.
I would like to know, this. If someone else had posted a post with all the problems you mentioned their current partner, his attitude towards them and how he makes them feel, what would have been your response?
What would you advise them to do?
DancingQueeny1111
maybe this was the wrong platform to reach out on. I dont really have many friends or family around me and wanted to speak to someone about this. I am sorry for my long post and for wasting anyones time.
If you have taken the time to read and have commented, thank you.
maybe this was the wrong platform to reach out on
It probably is, I think.
Mumsnetters might have some good suggestions for you.
MN ——- LTB
Try MN
Good luck though!
He is procrastinating. The point being, you could throw caution to the wind and move in tonight if that is something you both wanted.
Don't imagine a baby will fix this, because he can walk away from all of it, baby included, if he so feels.
Germanshepherdsmum
The answer to that, Dickens, is none at all. I cannot imagine why a woman in this situation would be considering becoming pregnant and stopping her contraception. To bring a child into this situation would be the height of irresponsibility. If the situation is real, of course.
This
oh dear, one of those threads!
He is as he is and you can't change him. He does not like to be nagged so stop nagging him.
From a practical point of view, if the old house in the middle of nowhere is not suitable for your dog, you can't move there.
You seem to be dependent on him doing the work whatever it is, so why not ask him if you can do it? Are you any use at DIY? can you afford the dog- proof fence or whatever it is you need?
If you want him for keeps, for your own sake, lay off him.
Have you considered speaking to your mum? She knows you, knows how you were raised, and knows what is your moral structure.
Apart from that, perhaps "never complain or explain" that seems to work.
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